TASK #39: ZONE DEFENSE
“Half the people in American are faking it”. Robert Mitchum
You know you’re growing old when someone says “road trip” and before the word “trip” is out of their mouth you’ve come up with five excuses why you can’t go.
You know you’re growing old when one afternoon your wife shoots you the “come hither” look and you think, “shit, I’m starved and I was about to mow the lawn, and fucking will take about 30 mins or so from first kiss to awkward escape…”
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I don’t go to clubs anymore, I don’t go hiking anymore, I don’t go to the movies anymore, I don’t even go to the beach anymore. Too much of a hassle.
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Bottom line, you know when you’re growing old when you no longer willing to take even a small baby step out of your comfort zone.
I used to LIVE outside my comfort zone! I once blew off work, drove to Tijuana with two friends, drank tequila and smoked cigars at a rooftop bar with a trained chimpanzee. I have the picture to prove it.
I never wore a seat belt. I once stole a ham and a lemon meringue pie from a smorgasbord restaurant, then ate most of the ham as I drove down a dirt road outside Ashtabula, Ohio and I threw the pie at a hitchhiker, hitting him square in the face. I got drunk in New York City and locked myself out of my hotel room–naked–at the Barbizon Hotel. I took a crap in the backseat of my friend’s car and I had sex with a girl with her parents in the same room.
All risks. All took place way outside my comfort zone, and gladly done. All silly and stupid but, in a weird way, as important as some of my adult stuff, like going to a bank by myself and setting up a checking account.
But that silly behavior is in my rear view mirror. Lately I’ve been watching my behavior. I’ve been more wary of taking chances, more afraid of
consequences. Let me put it this way: I spend a lot of time thinking about things like insurance, security systems, breath mints, and what time I be
home because my wife makes me watch “The Bachelor” with her (a show that will be the topic of one of my columns one day…).
I don’t go to clubs anymore, I don’t go hiking anymore, I don’t go to the movies anymore, I don’t even go to the beach anymore. Too much of a hassle. I go to work and I go home. I go to the grocery store and I go home. I like Baja Fresh burritos but I don’t like to go out, get in the car, and then drive to Baja Fresh, stand in line, order the food, pay for it, wait while they make it, scoop out some salsa, get back in the car and come home. Too much hassle!
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You know when you’re growing old when you no longer willing to take even a small baby step out of your comfort zone.
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But then last Friday happened. A friend of mine–my age but not yet atrophied, asked me to go with him and his friends to a hip-hop show at a bowling alley that had been converted into a small concert arena. A HIP HOP show. I had never seen a hip hop show, and the only hip hop artist I ever heard of was Will Smith and when I mentioned that to my friend he laughed so hard that he nearly puked! No, we were going to see some guy called Two Chains,
or 2 Chains, or 2/Two Chainz–I don’t fucking know. And the show–get this–didn’t START until 11pm. That would be the 11pm I rarely see because I’m in bed watching Netflix! And the converted bowling alley/concert venue was in a bad side of town. Bad as in there are no single family dwellings with yards, there are brick apartments and stoops and alleys–Oh My!
But I went.
I was the oldest dude there. I didn’t know what the hell Mr. 2 Chains was screaming about, but he was extremely pissed off, and when he wasn’t pissed off he was yelling about pussy–I think! But after a couple of beers I found myself raising my hand in the air and yelling, and after a couple of more beers I was bouncing up and down and high-fiving anyone that would high-five back to me. My friend was appalled. But hell, I was grinning and drunk
and sweating and it was FUN! And I used UBER to get home (another first). Word to the mother!!!
TASK:
This week you are going to step out of your comfort zone.
Try Indian food. Go rollerblading, shave off your mustache or shave your head. Go to a foreign film or take a yoga class or corner your boss with a crazy idea. Go see 2 Chainz, or if you’re already into hip hop, go see a country band. Sit in a hookah bar, watch C-Span, ask out that girl you’ve been sneaking looks at for the last two years, get a manicure, but no matter what it is, make sure that it’s something that you wouldn’t ever, ever normally do.
Wake your ass up!
Photo by David
