Many of us wish to achieve deeper and more consistent access to our inner resources. This is central in life coaching, which is strength-based, whereas traditional psychology and therapy are from the outset more concerned with problems.
Life Coaching has seen tremendous growth, perhaps especially during the last ten years. Life Coach is an unprotected title, including in the US, but entities such as The International Coach Federation are trying to regulate the market and achieve a minimum standard for practice and ethics. I write this article based on being trained as a coach through a 3-month, full-time program accredited by the above-mentioned body and having been guided by 7–8 different coaches.
Coaching has been criticized as “therapy without the license”. This addresses two central problems:
1. Many people contact a coach because the barrier for doing so feels lower than to contact a therapist or psychologist, as the two latter offerings are associated with being ill.
2. As the field of coaching is young and more or less unregulated, coaches can have anything from almost zero training to very extensive training.
The Action Plan as Your Saviour
Many coaches make a big deal out of marketing their service as something “entirely different from therapy”. To put it simply, therapy is then defined as dealing with the past and the present (digging into your difficult childhood, etc.), whereas coaching is concerned with the present and the future (where do you want to go?). As a very general and imprecise distinction, this description may have some value, but to think and work in this manner splits the human being in two. Any genuine transformational or developmental process presumes that one deals with both aspects with solidity.
Coaching is very concerned with achievement– for example, better relationships, a more satisfying work situation, a better balance between work and private life, better health, greater creative unfolding, etc. The action plan is often the main tool: defining achievable, realistic, and measurable goals. The coach follows the process from start to completion, almost like a trainer/sports coach would do with a professional athlete.
This may sound great. The coaching does however shoot itself in the foot as soon as an actual change process emerges. Only inexperienced people believe that the greatest problem when people are stuck is that they don’t have a proper “plan”. All the great plans in this world can’t save us from catastrophe, neither individually nor collectively. As soon as we go below the surface level and try to achieve deeper changes, we also get in touch with the baggage we carry in the form of unresolved traumatic experiences from earlier in life. It is this baggage that makes us stuck in unsatisfying patterns to begin with.
Everyone Has Trauma
If traumatic experiences are understood as dramatic incidents (brutal assault, rape, incest, etc.), many of us will say “I don’t have any traumas”. Trauma must be understood in a much greater sense. The word trauma means wound. Something has happened, which has not been “healed” or resolved. The psychological wounds that we carry will as often stem from difficult dynamics that happened over considerable lengths of time (in the family, at school, among peers, etc.) as from one-time incidents. In working with trauma, specific incidents will arise as a gateway to working with central themes. Examples of themes are lack of self-worth, social anxiety and awkwardness, a feeling of being physically inferior, and fear of ridicule. The isolated incidents are “peaks” that indicate deep, persistent patterns.
When we are stuck, either creatively, socially, or at work, our “trauma-baggage” is almost always a central element in the situation. An empathic, wise approach in working with people would be to let the emotions come to the surface and find their expression, as well as going back in time to understand where they come from. An authentic therapist works in this way. When I use the term understanding in this context, I mean an experience-based understanding more so than an understanding that is exclusively analytical.
Understanding is achieved through a process where thoughts, emotions, and the body are involved. The practitioner and the client are following the inherent intelligence of the psyche and are entering the areas where the charge is located. In other words– they are entering the material which is ready to be released. In this manner, we can release the emotional charge that is keeping dysfunctional patterns in place. Simultaneously, we get an understanding of the pattern, which enables us to more easily recognize what is about to happen when the wounds are triggered in new situations.
Goals Defined by the Past
Coaching does not to any significant extent relate to the psyche in this manner. The past is seen as having little significance. Then, the baggage remains unconscious and is thus allowed to have a tremendous impact, such that the goals that are defined are strongly colored by the baggage. When we have unresolved psychological wounds, we will have a strong resistance to being present and feeling what is actually alive in us here and now. For example, we may feel useless, not good enough, unworthy of love, etc. To compensate for these feelings we may think “if I only had achieved such and such, only had obtained such and such, then I would be happy”. The goals that we are trying to realize through coaching are thus very often a continuation of the dysfunctional strategy that revolves around avoiding our discomfort. “We cannot solve our problems by using the same way of thinking that created the problems to begin with” is a statement often attributed to Einstein. This sheds light on one of the biggest problems with coaching.
There is nothing wrong with achieving things (e.g. a better job), or in obtaining possessions (e.g. a better car, a bigger house). At the same time, it is well established that this in itself is not a path to inner peace, contentment, equanimity, satisfying relationships, or living a deeply meaningful life. These efforts may just as well create even more stress than we were burdened with from the start. We aren’t necessarily more connected to ourselves or better equipped to deal with our discomfort when the desired result is achieved, although this was what we really were looking for.
The Mechanical Nature of Coaching
The coach goes about things in a mechanical manner in order to define goals, sub-goals, etc.
“Is being more respected what you want to work on?”
“Yes,” the client confirms.
“What does respect look like to you?” the coach asks.
“It entails having a big house and an expensive car”, the client explains.
The expensiveness of the car is defined as 100,000 dollars and the bigness of the house as 300 square meters, and all is well.
Why the client wants these things remain unanswered at a deeper level. The actual answer to the “why” isn’t primarily a verbal answer. It rather has to do with connecting with the inner longing, the inner emptiness that one is trying to fill. My experience, from my own process as well as from working with people, is that what we are really looking to achieve is a deeper connection to ourselves. Associated with this wish is a strong, inner longing. As the pioneering American psychologist John Welwood (1943–2019) wrote, getting in touch with this longing is a very significant step towards fulfilling the longing. Truly acknowledging our own pain, despair, sorrow, etc. can be experienced as if we are “embracing ourselves”. This entails being able to remain present without trying to escape or to “fix”. Our defenses melt and we become whole. The outer circumstances no longer seem as critical. Answers emerge from within, which we couldn’t possibly have obtained through thinking.
Authentic Coaching
When we achieve this type of inner connection, our strongest wish will be to maintain this connection over time. We are so used to being out of touch with ourselves, therefore this need is very strong. First, when we have achieved a degree of stable inner connection, an actual coaching process can begin. We are then in touch with what we authentically wish for our life. Our wishes do not arise from an attempt of fixing or avoiding something, but as an outer expression of who we authentically are.
We have both an inner and outer reality. On the most fundamental level, they are not separate, but for most of us, it appears that way. Much work is needed for the inner connection to be consistently reflected in the outer. An important element in connecting with oneself is to have an attitude of acceptance toward all facets of one’s inner life. The challenge is to not only remain in this soft receptivity– we must also bring what we connect with into action in our everyday lives!
The Fear of “Issues”
Coaching is seemingly taking advantage of many people’s fear of recognizing that they have “issues”. “No, you don’t have issues, that’s for people who go to psychologists and therapists. You are a resourceful person, you need a coach!”. Thus, the self-deceit is maintained– that outer success means one has fewer problems than someone with a lower degree of “success”. The low self-worth can then be kept at bay.
The website noomii.com is the world’s largest platform for matching people who need coaching with relevant coaches. The website states: “coaching is definitely not the same thing as therapy. Therapy is intended to help people overcome emotional or psychological disorders. Coaching, on the other hand, is intended to help normal, healthy individuals achieve greater success, happiness, and wellbeing in their lives.” Quite a few of the posts from people who seek a coach do nevertheless obviously belong to the category “traditional reasons for seeking therapy”.
Read the following examples of goals stated by prospective clients:
“To feel safe, to feel happy, to love myself again.”
“Understanding how to have a successful relationship without sabotaging through past trust issues and being hurt.”
“Figure out what to do with my life.”
The stigma around having mental issues is a great social problem in the western world. Seemingly, many want to divide humanity into the categories of mentally ill vs well-functioning, just like Noomii does. This is a contrived division. It is true that some people spend periods of their life in psychiatric treatment. They are often disconnected from what most of us would agree is “real”. One may then for a limited period say they are mentally ill, but it can be dangerous to give them a permanent label. The “treatment” often perpetuates the state of illness, and the underlying traumas are usually in no significant way being released.
Success and Dysfunction
Most of us are located somewhere more toward the middle of a spectrum that contains extreme psychiatric conditions on the one hand, and the state of being well-functioning within most areas of life on the other. It is realistic to assume that more people are under psychiatric treatment than there are people who are authentically well-functioning within most areas of their life.
The following are some examples of how success and dysfunction can coexist:
- The school teacher who is great with other people’s children, but fails her own.
- The businessman who does well at work, but is an alcoholic in his private life. He is scared to death of being vulnerable and doesn’t achieve satisfactory friendships or relationships.
- The engineer who was always clever at school made a relatively easy and unconscious choice of education, and at the age of 50, he still doesn’t know what he really wants. He tries to release his inner tension by an increasing number of adventures and distractions in his spare time.
The examples are pointed and not meant as an attack on the mentioned professions. The intention is to demonstrate that we are all complex. Having achieved something in some areas of our lives does in no way guarantee that we are successful in other domains. There is often also a direct connection between success and dysfunction. We focus way too much on one area (leads to “success”) and it has negative consequences somewhere else (dysfunction that is often hidden).
Two United Processes
As previously stated, achieving inner connection (therapy) and to then put this into action (coaching) are not two separate processes. They are deeply intertwined. In coaching, one attempts to achieve changes without first helping the client connect to their authentic will. This connection is most usually achieved by processing difficult emotional baggage.
At the same time, I could just as well criticize traditional psychology and therapy, in which one is often over-focusing on problems without simultaneously supporting the client in connecting to his or her own resources. The latter is often the ultimate “solution” to problems, in the sense that the “problems” are transformed into manageable challenges when we are connected to our resources. However, our resources and our wounds are deeply connected, and the world of coaching needs to let this sink in! Not just say “it is outside of our scope of practice”. One example is that many of our wounds have to do with our unique talents and personality traits not having been recognized, perhaps rather ridiculed or condemned. It is then difficult to access these authentic resources without first working therapeutically with repressed emotions such as shame and anger.
Is Coaching Really That Bad?
Perhaps I have painted an exaggeratedly bleak picture of what coaching is. I have tried to outline a few conceivable and dysfunctional consequences of central attitudes in coaching. Is coaching actually that bad in real life? No, most coaches do not in actuality have such a narrow understanding of how people can grow. I have seen 7–8 different coaches, both men and women. My experiences have ranged from fantastic to good to terrible. Common to all of the coaches, except one (perhaps the worst one), was that none of them attempted to make an action plan with me– although this is in many ways the essence of coaching.
Many of these professionals were not that different from several therapists I have seen. This supports the hypothesis of coaching as “therapy without the license” – in other words, that the coach does much of the same work as a therapist, but with even less predictable competence, and that it is presented in a wrapping that makes it easier to market. If you see a coach, you won’t be seen as ill, but rather as someone who’s realizing his or her higher potentials. Strategic use of the word coaching from a marketing perspective is likely to be more important to many coaches than to follow strict definitions of what coaching is and isn’t. Luckily, many coaches are more concerned with the value of human connection and following their own experience of what works, than of following guidelines.
The Spectrum of Consciousness
Our human consciousness does, as already mentioned, exist of a spectrum that includes everything from deep dysfunction to brilliance. This exists as a continuum, not as absolute, separate categories. The distance from dysfunction to brilliance can often be very short, and
vice versa. They are often intertwined.
Stated bluntly, traditional psychology has been concerned with elevating people from neuroses (although these are often signals that something is amiss, not a problem in itself) to normal functioning (one is making a living, paying taxes, and not making too much trouble). Then things are “good”. Positive psychology (coaching is often called “applied positive psychology”) is concerned with the peaks. Beyond simply functioning ok, how can we truly flourish? How can we optimize our abilities and achieve “peak performance”?
Traditional psychology turns many inner states into something permanent and absolute, where this could often be just temporary had the “patients” been given the support and help they needed. Neuroses and mental illnesses are often in essence part of the psyche’s mechanisms of self-regulation, but because they have not been understood or respected (neither by the individual themselves nor the people in his/her life) they have gone awry. The sense that something is amiss has not been taken seriously enough. E.g., a child’s mental issues may in many cases primarily be an expression of something that is amiss in the family. It should therefore not be regarded as an isolated problem: “there’s something wrong with you”. If we listen to these signals at an early stage, they can become a source of insight and growth rather than something that should be “conquered”.
Psychiatry often gives mental disorders more solidity and permanence than they really have. Many patients have been told: “you are this way, your brain is lacking certain chemicals, you will have to live with this for the rest of your life”, and the primary treatment is through medication. This is a misuse of authority and a severe violation of the individual’s dignity and ability to change.
On the other side, coaching takes our baggage too lightly. Coaching assumes that it is possible to primarily look forward and that what we see won’t in any significant way be colored by our past. This is an illusion of freedom in the name of coaching. How authentically and constructively we look at the future does to a significant degree rely on the extent to which we have released our emotional baggage.
Make Your Own Negativity Conscious
Within coaching, cognitive therapy, and “positive thinking”, there is often an exaggerated focus on how the individual thinks. Thinking has its place, but one can easily arrive at flawed conclusions and solutions if the body and emotions are not equally emphasized. Many practitioners within the above-mentioned fields claim that all subjective human experience is primarily a product of what we are thinking. The causal relation is much more complex than that. Body, thoughts, and emotions all have a reciprocal influence on each other. Repetitive, dysfunctional thoughts should often be seen as a waste product of a blocked energetic and emotional system. Micro-managing of thoughts and emotions doesn’t help much. However, if we come into a deep connection with ourselves and allow some of our defenses to melt, our energy can flow freely. Body, mind, thoughts, and emotions are then functioning with unity. Allowing this is often one of the things we fear the most.
When we achieve inner connection, new and creative thoughts arise automatically as a consequence. It isn’t something we have to work specifically for, and it is not helpful to become too concerned with whether our thoughts are “positive” or “negative” – rather, be real! The way in to this melting may very well include for the first time to truly dare to face one’s negative thoughts and feelings. However, a person who has “indulged” in his negativity his whole life would not get any release from doing so. What matters is whether one is on the way to a deeper connection with oneself or not. You can’t determine that simply by assessing whether the thoughts of your client are primarily positive or negative. To get hung up on the ever-changing landscape one is traversing is like stopping an inner flow that naturally gravitates toward wholeness.
An Important Synthesis
The essence of this article is to show that both coaching and therapy have their place, but that the two approaches to inner growth function best if the differences are respected and used with awareness, based on an understanding of what is most beneficial and important at the different stages of personal development. Then it is no longer a competition of which approach is the best one, but rather that they can mutually complement and support each other.
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This article was previously published in Norwegian in print by Magasinet Visjon.
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