There is a time, in dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), when the triggers and following stress responses become so large and looming, distinguishing between real and not real require more effort than can possibly be imagined.
When the spinning of what is true and what is false becomes so out of control, one can no longer stay upright.
When the scales of reality and fallacy are so out of balance, inner worlds topple.
It is those times of PTSD, when the walls of truth are crumbling and lies begin erecting themselves in their place, that are hardest to survive.
It is those drowning moments, where everything you know to believe in, is in fact, the very thing causing you to sink further.
It is that last gasping breath where the choice to live or die is made, to step forward or stay still, to choose light or sink into darkness.
It is also in those moments, where resiliency wins. Where I find myself most amazed at my soul’s ability to heal itself by trusting the deep wisdom residing within me and restoring the equilibrium between my thoughts and my feelings.
I have found, this fight between real and not real, can be fought only through established acts of trust within myself.
Trust, within myself, to keep the commitments I have vowed to honor.
Commitments, often small and unnoticeable, yet designed to remind myself of who I am…a person who can distinguish between real and not real.
Commitments such as repeating my name, where I live, how old I am, while looking in the mirror to remind me of the realness of being a fully functioning person.
Commitments ensuring I complete simple tasks such as brushing my teeth, making my bed, eating healthy meals to remind me the realness of honoring my physical self.
Commitments to deep breathing and yoga, that quiet my over-stimulated amygdala, allowing intuition the be heard over fear and shifting out of the feeling of powerlessness into a sense of being powerful again, reminding me of the realness of my spiritual self.
Commitments set in place with the sole objective of transporting the past into a very tiny part of my very large, confident, capable self. Ensuring the past if merely a fragment of a fragment of my being, not the entirety of my present being.
And, slowly, those set commitments serve their purpose as strength is renewed through the power of sitting with the triggers and following stress response until it dissipates, another lesson is learned and the next leg of my journey as a warrior is complete.
Managing PTSD is a balancing act of extreme proportion. It is finding the strength to handle life after being broken, not just before. It is finding a way to distinguish between real and not real while standing in the belly of Hell, surviving and proudly calling yourself a warrior.
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