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Men strike out in fear when they think they are losing power. War and rape are examples where most of us can acknowledge this parallel. What’s less clear is that men might be not only afraid to lose power but deeply feeling a loss of intimacy and community.
What if what men really want is a kind of community—a vulnerability and a warmth—they feel is inaccessible to them? In a recent GMP article, Publisher Lisa Hickey discusses the importance of the tweets of Charles Clymer, where he linked sexism, male privilege, and a desire for intimacy. My article builds on his ideas and offers consensual, non-sexual touch as one powerful vehicle to create that intimacy.
Working with a Cuddlist is a pleasurable path to both integration and intimacy.
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Touch is a human need and men have a right to touch and be touched with love, empathy, and empowerment. It is possible for men to create a background of intimacy and a ground of health based on consensual touch and being seen. This healthy intimacy helps men find power from within rather than power over.
Cuddling—consensual, non-sexual touch with clear boundaries and expectations—can support men to become stronger and more confident, feeling more control in their lives and claiming their rights while bringing pleasure to others. This is both empowerment and intimacy.
In the following example, notice how cuddling was the vehicle for intimacy to unfold in Matt’s life rather than a momentary respite from his loneliness.
Matt came to me in transition. Having just left his job; unsure whether to stay in Colorado or move; feeling overweight, lonely, and unhealthy; and wanting a girlfriend but being unable to commit, Matt came to me to be held.
As we talked and got to know each other, we cuddled. As always, our clothes stayed on and each touch was intended to be pleasurable but not arousing.
I rested my hand on his belly and he asked me to massage in circles. Tears came to his eyes. He confessed that I was the first person in three years he’d let touch his belly as he was ashamed of how big it had gotten.
Using my coaching background, I asked him some questions about his feelings and sensations and we gently encountered energy in his belly that felt like a sleeping cat. Cat-like it wanted to be touched and loved but also wanted independence and freedom.
Matt had been resisting and trying to silence his cat-like belly through overeating and overworking. As we softened into welcoming each emotion as wisdom, Matt’s energy softened and strengthened.
We saw each other a few more times and each time was rich with physical and emotional experiences which I coached him to integrate through touch, visualization, and sharing.
Our last session was very different than our first. Clean shaven and excited Matt told me, “I have a job interview and a first date this week. I’ve committed to staying in Colorado but have some great travel planned.” He added, “I’m definitely flowing through stressful periods much better. I’m optimistic about all of it, and I don’t think I would be without your help.”
Our sessions helped Matt trust his body and his desires. Our cuddling helped him find integration.
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According to Dr. Dan Siegel, renowned brain scientist, “Integration is seen as the essential mechanism of health as it promotes a flexible and adaptive way of being that is filled with vitality and creativity. In a relationship, integration entails each person’s being respected for his or her autonomy and differentiated self while at the same time being linked to others in empathic communication. A result of integration is kindness, resilience, and health. We can actively “inspire each other to rewire” our internal and interpersonal lives toward integration.”
This sounds like good intimacy to me.
Working with a Cuddlist is a pleasurable path to both integration and intimacy. It gets each person to see and touch one another just as they are. Beaming love at my clients, I open my arms, my heart, and my mind to them. They don’t need to change for me to love them.
Their heart rate will slow and steady just by being close to mine. They will feel more compassion and belonging because I am feeling those emotions as I hold them. They will feel less anxious, happier, more relaxed, and even get sick less often. Effortless improvement takes place. When we add coaching support to this relaxed and receptive state, clients find empowerment within a few hours that they’ve been searching for for years.
Being held and heard is a powerful doorway for men to access intimacy and power. Cuddling in groups can be a good fit for many men. They find they have the power to ask for what they want and get it without hurting anyone else.
Through the experience of professional cuddling, each man becomes more confident while gaining access to intimacy, not just with me, but with his whole life.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
The beauty of your experience with Matt is that instead of dumping on him about how he is privileged oppressor looking to maintain power by hurting women at every chance you just took the time to hear him out and let him speak. That’s what a lot of men want but frankly its not as easy to find as you may want to believe. Too many people who claim to be a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen aren’t doing so for the well being of the men they lure in they doing it for a chance… Read more »
Thanks for your thoughtful words, Danny. It sounds like you’ve had some hard experiences where you expected more compassion than you got. That can make anyone shy away from vulnerability. It sounds like you’re still opening up but you’d like to be received with more grace and kindness. I agree that while men need to learn how to ask for the intimacy they want (no small feat!) the way they are listened to is key. I would like to see all of us learning better communication skills, asking for what we want, setting and keeping clear boundaries, and learning to… Read more »
really wonderful important discussion
Thank you. You may like this article too. https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/06/because-touch-has-a-big-shadow/
“Men strike out in fear when they think they are losing power. War and rape are examples where most of us can acknowledge this parallel.” What’s the basis for this claim?
Great question, Roger. This idea was voiced in a publishers call with Lisa Hickey when she was sharing about an article and Tweet https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/charles-clymer-sexism-male-privilege-fragility-lbkr/. I included the particular statement you referenced because people who feel a sense of internalized power do not hurt or objectify others. There is no need. When one is worried about losing power or being victimized or not being good enough, then they will strike out. I believe in the innate goodness of humans that no one hurts for the fun of it. We hurt for the fear of it.
There is no loss of power, only the perception of separation from love, which is a bludgeon and sharp edge in our culture prompting men and women to dismiss their own loving nature. Unless we become acceptingly aware of our original experiences of alienation, they will operate in our personalities as realities.
Call me a cynic , but there are definitely those that derive great pleasure in harming others , at least 20% of the population ( BOTH genders too ) are NOT innately good , look up psychopathy / sociopath rates , it is even between the genders , despite ALL men being depicted as innately evil in the West.
“Men strike out in fear when they think they are losing power. War and rape are examples where most of us can acknowledge this parallel.” What’s the basis for this claim? I’m honestly starting to think that this idea that men strike out in fear is getting to the point of being something similar to dismissing any concern a woman has as her being hysterical. Not meant to actually address what the person is concerned about just a way to shrug away what they say and basically tell them its all in their head. Almost like they themselves are afraid… Read more »
Your personal history. When and where did you learn about striking out?