John Taylor, who has been bottling his feelings his whole life, thinks it’s important for men to know that the hiding our feelings, putting on masks, and bottling emotions is not “manly”.
Originally appeared The Daddy Yo Dude
As an addict, and a person who has struggled off and on with depression, there are a few things I became very good at. Two of those things are bottling up my emotions, and trying to hide them away from myself, and putting on a mask in front of others so I can hide the fact that things may not be quite right. The only problem with this is that they are not things to be good at. They are not skills to boast about. In fact, they are unhealthy and damaging traits to possess.
In the last few weeks I have been on a self-searching quest. Trying to define the areas of my life that I want to change, the things in my life I could do without, and those things in life that I could not do without. I can say that I have learned a lot about myself. This would be a true statement. A lot of what I have learned, though, has left my brain in tatters at times and has had my heart shaken to its core. Reason for this? A lot of what I have learned has been those obstacles and observations that can be hard to swallow.
In being one of the best at not being able to process and handle emotion so easily, I once again broke out the bottles, broke out the masks, and put on my party face. But I am here to tell you, this ain’t no Mardis Gras. It’s an exhausting and draining way to live. So much so, that I haven’t even written anything in the last 6 days. Those of you who read on a regular basis know that it is very unlike me to not post for that long. It has drained my motivation, drained my mind, and drained my soul.
So why do I share this?
Because I think it is important for men to know that the hiding our feelings, putting on masks, and bottling up our emotions is not healthy. There seems to be a damaging misconception that men should be tough, should hide such things, and just keep pressing on. The truth of all of that is that there is nothing okay about it. Saying that doing these things is “manly” is saying that slowly destroying yourself , putting yourself in an isolated state, and not properly dealing with things is “manly”. Let me straight up tell you, there is nothing manly about it.
I can’t give you the secrets and tips on how to be better at dealing with emotions and reaching out when you feel down. I’m not that great at it so I’m not going to sit here and pretend I have the answers. In the words of Jay from the movie “Dogma”: “Me? Lead you?! Look at me! I don’t even know where I am at half the time!”. What I am here to do is encourage men to not be afraid to reach out, not be afraid to wear those emotions on their sleeves, and to support each other when it is needed.
Without the helpful ears of good friends and loving family, I don’t know what I would do. The hardest part was just admitting that things weren’t okay and that I needed to get some of these bottles emptied. Last night, I was able to do just that. And for the first time in a while, I had myself a good healthy cry. Guess what? I didn’t lose my manhood by doing so. You can revoke my man card if you desire, but you can’t revoke how much better I feel today.
Fellas, don’t let the world tell you that it’s not okay to be sensitive. Don’t let the world sell you short of your own self. We owe it to ourselves, our friends, our family, and our world, to show the world we are nothing more than human. When the time comes that you need someone to lend an ear, that you need some guidance, or even, possibly, need professional care, don’t hit the snooze button. Wealthy is a man who can be content with who he is when he is by himself. Poor is a man who isolates himself in a tower of bottles and masks. Sure it looks like a party, but it is the most lonely party you will ever throw for yourself.
“As an addict, and a person who has struggled off and on with depression, there are a few things I became very good at. Two of those things are bottling up my emotions, and trying to hide them away from myself, and putting on a mask in front of others so I can hide the fact that things may not be quite right.” I so relate to this – thanks for sharing your story & insights. I have been clean for many years myself, but continually hit this same kind of core issue. And, yes it is so true: “The… Read more »
Men and boys do cry and I dare anyone to mock them when they do. Men feel a lot of pain and hurt and what society allows is that the pain and hurt be “anger.” When A man lashes out, society points at him and says he’s angry when in fact he’s more than likely feeling other emotions he’s generally not allowed to show. It broke my heart when our Golden Retriever died but not nearly as much as how it affected my teenage son. His words will be with me until the day I die. He said “dad, you… Read more »
It hasn’t always been thus. History and literature are full of examples of intimate, non-sexual, relationships between men. To a large extent we have debilitated the environments in which that type of connection can be created. It’s going to take a long time to change in any event. It’s more convenient to teach our boys disrespect for their own gender at the moment. The final frontier for gender equality depends on our communities’ and cultures’ capacities to be as compassionate for boys and men as they so easily can be for women and girls. I’m not holding my breath. Cannon… Read more »
I don’t agree with you. It’s still possible to have the kind of contact you talk about, it just relies on you being authentic and being who you want to be. As long as you let an outside influence govern how you behave nothing will change. It’s not about gender equality, it’s about who we are as men.
See https://goodmenproject.com/families/love-is-not-arousal/ for a fuller take on this.
Exactly. The whole thing comes down to who we are as men. Who each of us, individually, are as men. When ourselves stop living in the mold, then men as a group stop living in the mold.
You can disagree all you like. Our boys are being taught that they are not worthy or deserving of respect, self or otherwise.
By the way linking me to “Love Is Not Arousal” served only to demonstrate that you didn’t really read or comprehend what I posted.
“Our boys are being taught that they are not worthy or deserving of respect, self or otherwise.” Really! As good little boys we listen to what we’re taught and follow along meekly! But, of course, I don’t really understand you and I didn’t read what you said. I suppose you want us all to recognise that men have rights too! Of course we do, but we also have responsibilities and it’s those that mark us out. Do you take any responsibility for your life or do you just complain that society doesn’t let us be emotional men. Whatever it is… Read more »
Whatever it is it can be changed by getting rid of being a victim.
Oh, yeah, be a man. Get over it.
I’ve spent the past decade of my life helping to create safe places for actual victims to enable them to express their pain and anguish WITHOUT that sort of crap.
You are part of the problem.
Now you’re the one, gwallan, who didn’t read or comprehend. 1. I did not say be a man, that’s your way of denigrating me. Knock me down so people don’t listen to what I say. It’s a common technique when you don’t have an answer. What I did say was, “Look at yourself, not society, that’s where change comes from.” It’s about seeing solutions in how we behave not expecting society to change for us. If being a man works for you, that’s great, if not, then do it another way. 2. I am not talking about actual victims, I… Read more »
You’re right, we as men need to be okay with our emotions. When I was younger, I had a lot of anger inside of me, and I just held it in. It was beginning to kill me. I wasted so much time being angry, at my parents, kids at school, but mostly at myself for letting it all get to me the way it did. I find it strange in our culture that women’s groups tell us all the time that men need to be more emotional, and yet we get derided by women for not being “manly” enough. Its… Read more »
In the end it’s about what we do as men, not about society. It’s tough to expose yourself and be emotional, but that’s what we need to do. We need to teach society how men can open up.
Thanks for the article.
I cannot disagree with either one of you on that. Yes, society is still guilty of downplaying the emotional needs of men. However, change starts with one voice. In this case, it starts with the voice inside of a man. The one that says “It’s time for me to grow some balls and f*** what society is saying is okay and not okay for me to feel. Someone out there is always there with a listening ear. Doesn’t mean the whole world is. But sometimes, even just that one person, can be all we need. Basically, it comes down to… Read more »
“Without the helpful ears of good friends and loving family, I don’t know what I would do.” You’d do what you’ve always done. You would bottle it up, shrug it off, and paint that smile on your face like everything is perfect! When there is no safe place to be vulnerable, you are never vulnerable. I firmly believe that addiction is a result of wanting to avoid emotional and psychological pain. For me. I’m addicted to productivity, books, ANYTHING that keeps my mind occupied. When the music stops, the only thing there is the yawning abyss. Like many people who… Read more »
Plus, Collin, as mentioned above, the kind of climate we are in now is still not welcoming of men’s problems or struggles. It’s more about addressing the needs and rights of women first and foremost.
But there are small strides like the pressure against Huggies that eventually brough them to alter one of their commercials depicting dads as incompetant idiots with child care to one that was inclusive of them.
Still, there are people that went “Come on, it was only a joke. Have a sense of humor” while others bemoaned their complaining.
John: “Fellas, don’t let the world tell you that it’s not okay to be sensitive. Don’t let the world sell you short of your own self. ” Unfortunatly, John, the world still gets its jollies telling men not to be sensitive. There are areas in life where men have troubles that even decades later, people still want them to be silent on. Notice I put in “People want them to be silent” because that’s still reality. Examples: Male sexual abuse victims of female perpetrators (especially boys). Responses from society: “It wasn’t so bad. You should consider yourself lucky” (you don’t… Read more »
You make a good point Eagle! I am about as progressive as is humanly possible, and I disagree with John Boehner on pretty much everything; however, I found the way he was pilloried for his crying incredibly distressing. A man isn’t allowed to cry in times of great happiness and sadness? It’s perfectly fine for the congresswomen to cry when Gabby Giffords stands up in front of Congress to say goodbye, but somehow it’s pathetic when it’s a man? It doesn’t send a good message to men and boys.