Debunking the stereotypes of the deadbeat ex-husband and the money-grubbing, vindictive ex-wife.
I recently had dinner with three college friends I hadn’t seen in decades, all of us now divorced. Before we knew it, we were talking about our ex-husbands. Ruth casually mentioned she was looking forward to having lunch with her ex-husband. They speak frequently, not only about their two children, now grown, but about old friends and family. Laughingly, she told us they still argue over current events.
Julie jumped in, saying she wished she could talk to her ex-husband, whom she hasn’t seen in years. Then Debbie “admitted” that following the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center, she had called her ex-husband Tom. Touched by her call, he spent the weekend with her and the kids. His presence made her feel a little more secure, and a new phase of their relationship began.
I am continually amazed at how ex-spouses can behave with kindness and generosity to one another when the explosiveness of a divorce calms down.
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I glanced around the table as these stories were told. No one appeared a bit surprised. Neither was I. I was divorced 27 years ago, but my ex-husband and I became fond friends. I have been happily remarried for 15 years. My ex passed away last fall, and I was honored to give a eulogy at his funeral. I counted him among my most significant and long-term attachments. He was present when both our children were born. We sat shiva together when his parents died. He knew my mother in her more coherent days and my father when he was still alive. This is a history that cannot be replicated with anyone else.
In my practice as a psychologist, in conversations with strangers on airplanes, at parties and professional conferences, I hear story after story about caring friendships between ex-spouses. Certain stories linger. After my friend Ann divorced and remarried, when she learned that her new husband was embezzling her money, she called her first husband, an attorney, who came to her aid and helped to recover her money. A newly divorced father told me in my office how he and his wife had been on incredibly hostile terms until their seven-year-old was seriously injured. When both parents took turns staying overnight at the hospital pediatric ward, a shared gratitude for their child’s recovery restored warmth to their relationship.
I am continually amazed at how ex-spouses can behave with kindness and generosity to one another when the explosiveness of a divorce calms down. When children are involved there is a real motivation to establish a cooperative relationship; any psychologist will testify that how parents handle the divorce and treat one another afterward is a key indicator of how well the children will adjust. This is not new news. What has surprised me is that over and over I have learned that the relationship between exes often goes way beyond mere pleasantry in the mechanics of custody arrangements. The ex-spouses who choose to vacation together at Disneyland with their children and respective new spouses clearly enjoy each another’s company. I have seen how affection, caring and generosity can accumulate for decades after a marriage ends and produce a deep attachment. When my mother’s elderly friend took in her cancer-ridden, long-divorced ex-husband and cared for him as he lay dying, she was acting from a much deeper emotion than obligation.
The truth is that ex-spouses get an undeserved bad rap. Stereotypes abound of the deadbeat dad and the money-hungry ex-wife. Popular culture would have us believe that every ex-husband is a jerk and every ex-wife is vindictive. While this is often accurate, some of the time it is not the only role ex-spouses get to play. I suspect that there are plenty more empathic ex-husbands and caring ex-wives out there than meets the litigator’s eye. Recent research shows that as a species, we humans are hard-wired for compassion and love. What’s more, experiencing positive emotions is good for the heart and overall well-being.
Many spiritual traditions teach that you don’t necessarily have to feel kindly towards another person, but that if you behave kindly, the feelings may follow. Divorce is as good a time as any—perhaps the best time—to stretch one’s self towards compassion, kindness, and caring. For yourself as much as for your ex.
This article originally appeared, under the title ‘In Praise of Former Spouses’, in the Huffington Post.
Photo by Wonderlane
This is all quite lovely to read, and I’m certain it is the experience of many. However, stereotypes generally have a grain of truth (at least), and for every example you offer here I could offer another which would turn your stomach. You write: “The truth is that ex-spouses get an undeserved bad rap.” I disagree. Ex-spouses get the rap they earn, and many earn the deadbeat role (or worse), just as others earn the money-grubber or alienator role. When one individual in the couple insists on being vindictive, playing power games, putting children in the middle, or simply refuses… Read more »
My ex is an incredibly important person in my life. We have remained close and talk daily. Our children are doing great due to how we treat each other. While there is many sides to why a relationship ends, it is how you treat other after the end of a relationship that reveals your true character. I look forward to the new relationship I have with my ex. She is one of my best friends and it would be a shame to have thrown away the 15 years we were together because we couldn’t accept that people change and grow… Read more »
Stereotypes usually begin with an occasional truth, and as far as ex-mates go, there are people out there who fit the typical stereotypes. But perhaps more often, there are ex-partners who try their honest best to behave in mature, positive and honest fashion under circumstances that easily inspire vindictiveness. I’ve seen honest men get taken to the cleaners by lying, lazy women, and the other way around. I’ve seen women struggle to keep their children clothed and fed while the father abandons them all, and the other way around. The thing is, all people suffer equally from the effects of… Read more »
Consider this a manual upvote, like and favourite all in one.
Can we nominate stuff for Quote of the Day. This one pretty much nails it.