There are lots of reasons men have difficulty talking about their relationship. Here’s a few.
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“I can’t talk to my wife” is a common refrain heard from a lot of married men all across the globe, but why? What I’ve learned over the years is that married men, and men in general, unfortunately have a lot of pride. Some married men don’t even want to acknowledge that they have problems in their marriage. So to keep the peace, they’d rather just go along to get along instead of being vulnerable and exposing the deficiencies in their marriage.
Instead of expressing their feelings, they keep their emotions bottled up inside until the opportune (or inopportune) time comes for the release of these emotions. This is the unfortunate result of how most of us men were taught by our fathers as boys and young men not to wear our emotions on our sleeve. This behavior ultimately carries over into our marriages and doesn’t bode well for the health and growth of our relationships. Most married men would rather stay in their comfort zones and talk about sports and other miscellaneous things in an effort not to draw attention to their marital problems.
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When a man is finally ready to talk and be vulnerable, unfortunately their wives often don’t listen and sometimes go into what I would call ‘attack mode’. This perception of being under attack has an adverse effect on the man expressing himself and often leads him to shut down and protect himself from such attacks in the future. I fully expect some married women to read this statement and take offense, but that’s okay. I’m simply speaking from the perspective of the married men I’ve spoken with over many years.
In addition to being attacked, some married men just don’t know how to talk to their wives. By talk I mean to clearly and assertively communicate their innermost thoughts and feelings in a way that their wife may not necessarily agree with, but can receive well and respect. When a man is unable to communicate his feelings to his wife, it’s generally because of a lack of intimacy. The Webster dictionary defines intimacy as close familiarity or friendship; closeness. Unfortunately, many married couples don’t have this kind of closeness in their relationship. Husbands and wives should strive for a higher level of intimacy in their marriage to create a safe emotional space which could ultimately help the husband communicate more effectively. And even after a safe emotional space has been created, knowing how to effectively communicate is a continual work in progress, especially for a man.
Finally, I’ve also learned over the years that married men do talk! They just have to be given the proper forum to freely express themselves in a ‘no judgment’ zone.
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Are you available to talk to Tony? I would appreciate a little of your time.
“What I’ve learned over the years is that married men, and men in general, unfortunately have a lot of pride. Some married men don’t even want to acknowledge that they have problems in their marriage. So to keep the peace, they’d rather just go along to get along instead of being vulnerable and exposing the deficiencies in their marriage.” Now let’s dig a bit deeper. Why a man decide to keep the peace instead of exposing deficiencies? Is it because they know what to expect when revealing their vulnerabilities? That they have a history of learning that exposing their vulnerabilities… Read more »
The author must have been women. Men can’t talk to women and share their feelings because women will use it to their advantage and throw it in men’s faces at a future event or future time. Men have to adopt a women’s preferences or receive communication from said women that the man is disrespecting her. All women do this to all men.
This is so true. i feel it is an individuals responsibility to express themselves. Constantly creating armour around ourselves we stop being authentic and soon enough become pretentious and fearful of expressing our vulnerability. What is the point of marriage if we can’t be a team. If we truely can’t share our deepest joy and suffering with our partner then what is the point. I would like my husband to be my best friend but I realised early in my relationship that it was not going to happen so I now have female friends that I can communicate my emotional… Read more »
that is so true that’s exactly how I feel too
It’s actually very simple. Men can not trust any women, not even their wife, with their true feelings and desires. The woman WILL use that information to try to hurt him later. And if he has personal struggles, she will crucify him. There is not a shred of empathy or sympathy in the female body. Women are not safe to confide in or even live with. I’m glad my wife is now my ex-wife. Never again will I subject myself to the embodied hate that is a woman.
AMEN! John! Absolutely accurate!
You are so right. i wish i can also attain same position and say that for myself . i dont want to live with any woman ever again . i am in the process of moving ahead of my marriage now and this is so painful. but i dont want to go back . woman are so ruthless when it comes to emotions and feelings my wife is living example.
Hi John, I feel saddened by your experience. I feel that what happenes in marriage is that we love according to our love language( 5 languages of love) and our partner loves according to their love language. Soon enough each one starts feeling that the other one does not understand or love the other and then over time to protect ourselves from the pain of that realisation we stop being vulnerable and push the other person out of our heart space. What if we start to realise unconditional love within our self then the love we give out in to… Read more »
Anita, When you say, “what if we” you are speaking of you and other women, correct?
John, as a man only you got it right.
I couldn’t be bothered reading the other comments below, but to ‘Clearly and assertively communicate their innermost thoughts in … a way the wife can respect..’ etc. C’mon. Innermost thoughts are messy. They are not like that. The reason Men don’t talk about their innermost thoughts with women is because the current generation of women want emotionally ideal mates who have no ‘Real’ feelings at all. They want the Ryan Gosling package of perfectly confident, funny mates who endlessly give and give emotionally. So of course men fly off the handle when this ridiculously unrealistic expectation overloads them.
“When a man is finally ready to talk and be vulnerable, unfortunately their wives often don’t listen and sometimes go into what I would call ‘attack mode’.”
This is why I avoid talking to my wife. I’ve tried explaining this to her, but this simply triggered a massive fresh attack. Oh well, back to stonewalling 🙁
WOW! Man! John you hit the nail right in the head! Finally, someone who has been there and expresses it so well!
Man i just…i feel the same way and i dont know what to do. I feel fucking crushed..the moment i am totally and completely vulnerable then she “attacks”..at least thats what it feels like. Idk if i should initiate anymore contact when she comes home…i dont even fucking know
Yep!
Household stress. With so many single mothers out there what makes you so sure that men are taught by their fathers to not wear their emotions on their sleeve? In fact, what role do the Mothers play in the upbringing of their sons? What do they learn from them? Is the lack of a father figure in the home perhaps contributing to men seeing woman as authority figures? Is this perhaps the cause of the emasculation of so many men? Does this not then explain why so many men these days are “yes men” when it comes to their wives?… Read more »
Hi Rodney, and thanks for the acknowledgement! 🙂
I think the article is well-written and comes from good intentions.
However, the author seems to be using the words “talking” and “communicating” as if they were interchangeable. They are not, and I think it’s a common but vital mistake to make on this subject.
(For instance, complaining that your spouse doesn’t “communicate”, when the reality is you don’t listen to your spouse talking…)
FlyingKal, great observation! Talking is a form of communication, but they cannot be interchanged 100% of the time. For example, some people talk well, but don’t communicate well. I actually made an animated video that specifically mentions the phrase “you don’t listen well” repeatedly throughout. You’re right on target, but feel free to check out the video I made at http://www.householdstress.com. And thanks for your feedback!
Great post!
As a wife, in the past, I’ve taken for granted that my husband just wanted me to listen. Since realizing that he will only share when he feels he’s in a”safe space”, I’ve learned to do just that listen. I’ve asked the same of him. There are times we just want to vent and not want our spouse to fix, correct, judge what we’re sharing with them.
i currently know a man who knows how to communicate but it’s the other half is the one who doesn’t appreciate the intimacy (of what you defined..closeness.)…it is just too bad he is not mine =(
Hi Hammurabi You write: ✺” It is truly detrimental to your mental and physical health as a man.”✺ Marriage can be detrimental to mental and physical of women as well as men. Maybe we need to discuss why we marry , and what we promise each other, promise society and for those that marry in church…promise God. I no longer do, and think we should stop seeing marriage in 2013 as a religious sacred promise that makes us a sinner if we break out of it. Let the persons that enters monastery make life long promises to God. And even… Read more »
Hey Iben, Are you suggesting in this post that marriages today should not have to be honored under a covenant as God himself commands? If that is your case, then marriage may not be for you nor do you understand what commitment is. I do agree that we all fall short of being perfect, and we all sin on a daily bases. But going into a marriage with someone you love, the intent of cheating should be the furthest sin from ones mind. Especially when one claims to walk after God’s Word. Sin, you can repent from and turn away… Read more »
Hi Darren Here is what I wrote: “I no longer do, and think we should stop seeing marriage in 2013 as a religious sacred promise that makes us a sinner if we break out of it.” I meant divorce. I guess you are American Darren, and I know nothing about marriage in America. In my country we have two kinds of marriage to choose between. We can get married in church,and give our promise to God, our spouse and society in church. Or we can get married in the town hall. Then we promise our spouse to love and be… Read more »
Good evening Iben,
This is my third attempt trying to post this, so I am going to make my answer short and sweet. To answer your question regarding other venues to discuss these sort of topic extensively, I have 3 gateways; My book entitled, “How to stay married for at least 100 years;” My Facebook book page on https://www.facebook.com/HowToStayMarriedForAtLeast100Years, and a talk show that I share with Rodney Turner, the creator of this forum, and Tony Hawkins, the creator of the our talk show entitled, ‘Married men don’t talk’. Listen to all the episodes by going to http://householdstress.com/.
To comment on your second inquiry about the two different ways to get married in your country, one being a promise to God and the other being a promise to your spouse. The bottom line is God created the institution of marriage, so to receive instructions, one can only receive them from A to Z by going to the one you created it. I would not go to a bread maker and ask him for the instructions about barbequing a cow. I would go to him mainly asking about how to make bread…..
MISS FAITH My name is faith from UK, I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 5years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine lucky told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr Salami. I email Dr Salami the spell caster and i told him my… Read more »
I still really enjoy the advice that one relationship expert gave a woman who complained about her husband not opening up. He told her to approach conversations like she would want him to approach sex with foreplay. Start by talking about things he would like to talk about to make him comfortable and get him in the mood to talk. Still sounds like good advice to me.
Seems like a great point, a no brainer. But I’ve never been able to get it across to her. If I tried to fuck the way my wife tries to talk, I’d be in jail or served with a restraining order.
In the face of a medical crisis, we had to improve communication, like overnight, for the sake of our family and my survival….we each had our own support group (mine from fellow patients and my husband’s from the other spouses) as overseen by a social worker/therapist….which got us through some roadblocks…sometimes you need a referee or a coach to guide you through the communication obstacles….truly, sometimes people are just ignorant and do not know how to support or to say the right thing….sometimes saying nothing but just listening and not running away is what it takes….sometimes listening to other people… Read more »
A lot of married men feel so dismissed by their wives that it becomes a question of ‘why bother?’. Seriously. When we do try to tell you how we feel, often how we are feeling is simply dismissed.
I am divorced. I would NEVER even entertain the idea of getting married again. It is truly detrimental to your mental and physical health as a man.
I think both parties should, for lack of a better word, “negotiate” honest talk. Coming from my perspective, I don’t always know when my husband is talking from his heart, because it’s often coming at a time of crisis. Women can’t be expected to react supportively if they are also under stress. I had to learn to ask him how to offer him genuinely constructive criticism or advice without his getting immediately defensive and either attacking or making a dismissive joke. We are working together on developing an intimate talking time. My next goal is to ask him for honest… Read more »
It’s why the best mediators are not personally involved since feelings can flare up like that.
“Women can’t be expected to react supportively if they are also under stress.” This is HUGELY true for most men and women in struggling marriages and I try to give men tools to deal with this reality. Forget what he/she “should” do…help them (lead them) to a better way. Joanne goes on to model how an incredible woman can OWN turning it around. ” I also have had to shift my thought process to hear him and not react defensively” This is learned behavior that comes from a place of love and WANTING to give your partner the respect of… Read more »
When I went through my feminist phase, I realized that i hadn’t previously seen women OR men as human. I saw women as less than human, and men as potentially mean gods. Once you take the time, to see a man for his heart, for his fears, and everything else, once, you learn to take in all the pieces of him at once and actually see him, that’s when he will have the groundwork he needs to open up. But you have to be ready to respect him, and be patient with him, no matter what you see, and (as… Read more »
Great words, Kat!
I can understand why it might be harder to take that step of taking the time to let a guy open up. It’s not something we really do.
At the same time…..I feel like we’re seen like we’re unfeeling aliens or something. Of course stuff bothers us. We’re human, we’re not from Mars. But people have to wait till we’re ready to open up. You can’t just 180 this conditioning overnight.