Okay, a surprising number of people object to the, in my opinion, fairly uncontroversial notion that you have to use condoms.
About the whole “it’s my body, you can’t tell me what to do with it” thing? It’s true, I do not have a bunch of condom ninjas that kidnap everyone who has unsafe sex and deposit them in front of my skull throne. (Wouldn’t that be cool, though.) If you want to have sex without a condom, be my guest. All I can do is call you a dumbfuck. I mean, dudes, it’s wrong to shame people for being (happy, healthy, consensual) sluts or (happy, healthy, consensual) virgins because both of those are completely neutral things– in matters of taste there is no dispute and all that. There is something wrong with unsafe sex though! You’re risking the health of yourself and your partner for momentary pleasure. I don’t care about shaming you, because you should be ashamed.
Also, while of course people who have sex with cis men should probably make sure a condom is involved at some point, the article I was citing was talking about reasons cis men don’t use condoms, not reasons why their partners don’t.
Anyway! I have decided to present a list of things cis men who find that condoms reduce the sensation should consider so they can have safer and enjoyable sex. Not all of these will be applicable to all cis men who find that condoms reduce the sensation.
Switch condom brands. Sometimes a condom brand just doesn’t work with your penis and you need to experiment to see what does work. If you haven’t tried thin or ultrathin condoms, use them. Apparently it’s “the next best thing to bare.” And no, they are not more likely to break– in fact, they are exactly as likely to break as any other type of condom (or even less likely, because of the reduction in friction). Make sure you are using the correct size of condom. Both ones that are too large and too small are likely to be unpleasant. See if you could possibly have a latex allergy; if that’s the case, use a brand of condoms that don’t contain latex.
Masturbate with a condom on. The idea here is to get used to the idea of sexual pleasure and condoms being linked in a situation that’s less high-pressure than sexual intercourse.
Lube, lube, lube. There are three secrets to great sex and all of them are lube. Make sure your partner is adequately lubricated, and put a little lube in the tip of the condom.
Outercourse. There are plenty of sexual options that don’t involve much risk of STI transmission at all (just ask your friendly neighborhood lesbian). Handjobs and fingering. Stripping. Sex toys (remember to put a condom on any dildos!). Sharing fantasies. Titfucks. Footjobs. Intercrural sex, much beloved of the ancient Greeks.* Dirty talk. Massage. Showering together. Phone sex or cybersex. Masturbating for each other. Pegging. Almost all BDSM acts. Some of the many sex acts classified under the name “dry-humping.”
Not fucking people with STIs. If your partner has been tested for STIs and doesn’t have any, then you’re not going to get an STI. It’s not like they spontaneously generate. (If they do have an STI, may I recommend some of the lovely outercourse options available?) Unfortunately, this only applies to monogamous or polyfidelitous relationships– if someone has sex with someone outside of the network of people who have been tested, they might bring home an STI and spread it to everyone. Remember that some STIs, including HIV, take months to show up on test results. Many people lie, so it’s based to take this route with someone you trust (or have seen the test results of).
Unfortunately, I don’t have a non-plastic penis, so it’s quite possible I’m missing something. Share your advice in the comments!
*Mom, aren’t you so glad you’re paying for that college degree?
I’m not saying anyone is advocating that behavior but I do think that many people’s intense dislike of condoms may lead them to have constant “discussions” about it with their partner which may lead their partner to feel pressure. And if I, who really don’t want to use any form of birth control other than a condom until after I’m married date someone in the future whose dislike of condoms is so intense that it basically ruins their sexual experience then I don’t know what a good compromise is. One of the partners is going to end up dissatisfied.
[…]may lead them to have constant “discussions” about it with their partner which may lead their partner to feel pressure. I certainly sympathize. Although in my case it was less “discussions” than repeated last-minute “I don’t want to use a condom” when I start to reach for one, and last-minute refusals to have intercourse if I wore one. And once she slipped me inside of her without a condom when she was on top. Mind you, she wasn’t doing this arbitrarily–she actually did find condoms to be uncomfortable for her. (She wasn’t trying to get pregnant or anything like that.)… Read more »
What no one has so far brought up is that many women want to use condoms and are pressured into “the pullout method” (imo not dependable) or the Pill (which messes with many women’s hormones in a negative way) by their boyfriends. When I was in my early twenties the guy I was dating who was ten years older constantly pressured me into not using one. Thankfully, I didn’t cave in but I didn’t want to get pregnant and didn’t feel like the Pill and the laughable “pullout method” were dependable enough forms of birth control (I have 4 friends… Read more »
@Summer Shoucair: That really sucks and I’m sorry you were put through that. What happened to you absolutely wasn’t cool and I hope you didn’t construe anything I said as minimising the experiences of you and women in your position.
But I hope that at every stage I’ve emphasised that what I want to see is a mutual and honest decision made between partners. I was certainly envisaging that as excluding the sort of pressure you’re describing.
Absolutely, there are assholes in this world that try to pressure their partners into unsafe sex. I had a girlfriend that did that to me. Like Hugh said, no one in this thread is advocating for that behavior. We all agree that it is bad.
Elodie: I pretty much agree with all this
I don’t much like the idea of shaming people, when everyone’s sexual circumstances are so varied that there will never be a one-size-fits-all solution to condom usage. What would be IDEAL is a bit of cultural shift towards *expecting* that a condom is used every time, especially with every new partner. Not because I think we should shame people when they don’t, but because you would then need to have a discussion With Your Words about the lack of condom, everyone is fully informed, you can figure out what precautions you’ll take in lieu of said condom and make sure… Read more »
Glad to have you say what’s important. Some guys are stupid enough to ignore important issues.
Fixed that for you. 😉
Seriously, who do people think these condom-forgoing men are having sex with? Short of rape, their partners (often female) are participating in the same irresponsible behavior.
“Also, while of course people who have sex with cis men should probably make sure a condom is involved at some point, the article I was citing was talking about reasons cis men don’t use condoms, not reasons why their partners don’t.”
So I think Ozy covered that one.
Yeah, I didn’t get the impression that TC was as egalitarian on that point.
Moreover, that was a bit of a weak acknowledgment on Ozy’s part to begin with. Would have been nicer (and more convincing) to see something like, “Yes, absolutely women can and often are just as irresponsible as men about condom usage, and this 100% applies to them as well. I just happened to be talking about men.” And maybe that is how zi intended it to come across, but for me, at least, it still left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.
Intercrural sex is also called “Oxford-Style” and “The Princeton First-year”…you can assume why.
supposedly Shaka Zulu and his troops used to get down oxford-style to foster camaraderie.
Abe Lincoln and Alexander the Great apparently did as well (not together, i would assume).
This added nothing to the conversation. You’re welcome. *drops the mic like a boss*
I should clarify that I’m not calling on people to shame anyone; I’m just questioning the idea that’s it quite as clear that we should shame all non-condom wearers as the OP makes it out to be.
I mean, dudes, it’s wrong to shame people for being (happy, healthy, consensual) sluts or (happy, healthy, consensual) virgins because both of those are completely neutral things … Uhh … really?? Is it not true that there is often mouth to mouth contact during casual sexual encounters? And haven’t those mouths often come into contact with other people’s genitalia, thus making them a vector for diseases like different herpes varieties? (I confess ignorance as to whether the mouth is inherently inhospitable to some other diseases associated with sex.) Not to mention the transmission of other diseases not necessarily associated with… Read more »
“There is something wrong with unsafe sex though! You’re risking the health of yourself and your partner for momentary pleasure. I don’t care about shaming you, because you should be ashamed.”
I’m guessing you’ve got a problem with BDSM too, then?
Uh, nearly all BDSM, when correctly performed, does not risk the health of yourself or your partner *nearly* as much as unsafe sex does.
Perhaps not, but many BDSM practices, even when correctly managed, are more dangerous than vanilla sex. (Knifeplay, for example) My feelings on non-condom use basically derive from BDSM principles – if both partners understand and accept the risk, be it from knifeplay, shockplay, or non-condom use, it’s their choice and they shouldn’t be shamed for it. After all, they’re not going to hurt anybody but themselves.
They’re not going to hurt anybody but themselves–and anyone else they have unprotected sex with.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say Joe McCheaterson is having an affair and his wife doesn’t know about it. Joe has unprotected sex as part of this affair. Mrs. McCheaterson has just been put at increased risk of STD’s, against her will and without her consent, because Joe had sex without a condom.
Admittedly, that’s not what all or even most couples having unprotected sex are like, but when you make a blanket statement like that, you’re excluding all the McCheatersons out there.
The solution to the problems created by full disclosure and informed consent is full disclosure and informed consent. In your example, if Joe simply -tells- his wife that he’s been having an affair and using unprotected sex as part of it, she is free to make a decision as to what form of contraception she uses when having sex with him (and possibly some other decisions too). I agree that slimey Joe McCheaterson is unlikely to scrupulously practice the principles I’m advocating, but he’s also unlikely to scrupulously practice the competing principle Ozy is advocating, so really, it’s not an… Read more »
So why is the conclusion from that
“Do not have sex without a condom” (even in long-term monogamous both-tested relationships, as you seem to imply)
and not
“do not cheat”.?
As I said, that is ONE situtation. It is a situation of non-consensual non-monogamy (since the woman did not consent to her husband’s sleeping with other people). However, there are other situations in which a couple is either not monogamous, or one partner has an STD and doesn’t know it. People get raped. People have drunken one-night stands without remembering it, and end up carrying an STD to which they are immune–and since they don’t have any symptoms, they figure they don’t have anything and don’t get tested. And of course, if there has been fingering going on, unprotected PIV… Read more »
It seems to me that the biggest issue in your hypothetical isn’t the unprotected sex, it’s deliberately and knowingly misleading someone about your own risk factors (in this case, the husband misleading his wife by secretly cheating). I mean, of course being dishonest with your sexual partners about such things is bad. A woman lying to a man about her being on the pill is also bad. Either partner sabotaging a condom is bad. In general, knowingly misleading your partners about sexual risk factors is bad. . They’re not going to hurt anybody but themselves–and anyone else they have unprotected… Read more »
[TW: self-harm] This is a bit off-topic: I really don’t get the danger of knife play. I was a cutter for years, I know what the implements do – razor blades and sharp knives and dull knives and scissor blades and tuna can edges. I’m extremely clumsy and don’t expect to cut vegetables without getting a few cuts. I’ve never needed anything more than twenty minutes of compression then slapping a band-aid over it, even in my “fuck safety, I’m going to go as deep as I need” moments. Slipping with a sharp blade could certainly be an “oh shit”… Read more »
I think they are talking danger in the form of contagieous diseases which are transmitted by blood. HIV/AIDS being one of them. As in it insisting on a condom as a block for one bodily fluid while another one is flowing freely.
I can tell somebody’s either not into BDSM, or is doing it very wrong.
BDSM is about experiencing bondage, dom/sub relationships, and pain in a controlled, safe, consensual way. Safewords, talking through a play session before beginning it, and being VERY careful not to accidentally strangle or severely injure your partner, are ALL necessary components to BDSM. If you’re not doing all of those things, then yes, it is dangerous. That’s why safety precautions are taken, and people who fail to take any of the above steps to ensure safety and full consent are looked down on by BDSM enthusiasts.
As I said, obviously good BDSM practice involves minimising danger, but the risk of harm is still greater during BDSM play than during vanilla sex. I’ve always been aware that even with all the correct precautions and all the correct communication there’s still some risk involved – risk greater than the risk involved in vanilla sex. Indeed, being cognisant that the risk still exists is part and parcel of all those safety precautions. The mindset that “I have taken precautions, therefore no risk exists” seems to me to be antithetical to actually taking those precautions. You have minimised the risk,… Read more »
…No it isn’t. Ordinary PIV can result in AIDS or death in childbirth or by botched abortion. Admittedly, most people have PIV and don’t die, but the risk is there. It is difficult to imagine how anyone could die via, say, an ordinary spanking.
Obviously there is very risky BDSM out there, but the generalization that BDSM sex acts in general are riskier than vanilla is not supportable.
” It is difficult to imagine how anyone could die via, say, an ordinary spanking.”
Most people don’t consider spanking to be under BDSM, and I believe I specifically mentioned knifeplay.
But I guess we’re just going to have to disagree on this one, and I will have to live with the stigma that I’m “doing BDSM wrong”.
Spanking is a cornerstone of BDSM play, but what the heck :). Actually it does pose a risk of transmission, but only if you don’t sterilise your toys between use.
It’s a bit difficult to say that “BDSM play is more dangerous than sex” though. What play and what sex? Flogging, if it’s done right, results in no risk of permenant injury, having sex in a ski lift could potentially result in death 😉
“Spanking is a cornerstone of BDSM play, but what the heck”
The reason I don’t consider spanking to be BDSM is that it’s common among couples who don’t identify as BDSM, and probably don’t even know what BDSM stands for. If spanking counts as BDSM then BDSM isn’t really the minority pursuit it’s often depicted as – what percentage of couples do you think try spanking?
” If spanking counts as BDSM then BDSM isn’t really the minority pursuit it’s often depicted as – what percentage of couples do you think try spanking?”
Nope. It isn’t really. Another good example is hickies, clearly pain-for-pleasure, but noone thinks about them twice. That said, the kind of spanking performed by couples who do identify as BDSM tends to go alot further than vanilla couples, and it’s by far the most common form of play.
I see this is following along the way that so many social justice conversations do. “Here’s something you should do, and you ought to be ashamed that you’re not doing it already.” “I don’t want to because I disagree with you, and telling me I’m an awful person doesn’t help.” “Well, you deserve it, you awful person!” So let me ask you a question. Assuming that your goal is to increase condom usage, what do you think the best way to go about that is? Given the reactions to your last post I am going to make a leap and… Read more »
Please cease from trying to define the male experience of using a condom. You lack the facts and the anatomy to know whereof you speak. Circumcision (mutilation of the male genitalia) is still inflicted on over 50% of the male population ,with no possibility of their consent. Aging, a condition most people aspire to, also drastically reduces sensation for a lot of men. These issues were commented on in your previous post, and not acknowledged or mentioned here in part 2. No amount of lube, changing condom brands, or masturbating with condoms is going to help those affected by these… Read more »
“Circumcision (mutilation of the male genitalia) is still inflicted on over 50% of the male population IN THE UNITED STATES”
Fixed that for you
Thanks, I actually had intended to put that in.
The United States is not the world. In Europe, the only men who get circumcised are Jewish, and Jews have never been anywhere near 50% of the population of any European country. I’m also pretty sure that circumcision of infants isn’t all that common in Africa, Asia, or Australia either, but I’ve never heard for certain. (Note the “of infants” there: in some African tribes, young men are circumcised, voluntarily, as part of a coming-of-age ritual. That is very different from circumcising an unconsenting infant.) Also, I’ve slept with several circumcised men, and I assure you that circumcision does NOT… Read more »
“I’m also pretty sure that circumcision of infants isn’t all that common in Africa, Asia, or Australia either, but I’ve never heard for certain”
Not in Australia, but in Asia and Africa it’s quite widespread, mostly because most Muslims circumcise their sons.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Khitan_(circumcision)
Along with other genital mutilation customs in africa and oceania.
“The United States is not the world.” Ozyfrantz is from the US, as are many (perhaps most?) of zir readers. The circumcision practices and statistics in the United States are completely relevant to the discussion. “I’ve slept with several circumcised men, and I assure you that circumcision does NOT deaden all the nerves in the penis.” I assure you, that neither makes you an expert, nor does give you any basis for defining what all circumcised men should feel or experience. “You’re acting like nobody can feel anything worth a damn through a condom at all unless they have a… Read more »
Nobody’s saying that the circumcision practices of the USA aren’t relevant, just that care should be taken to clarify that that’s what we’re talking about when it might appear that we’re making more global statements.
And again: LESS sensitivity is not the same thing as NO sensitivity. While I’m certainly not going to deny that there are some poor souls who lose all sensation upon circumcision, I know through counterexample that there exist circumcised men who feel quite enough.
And again: When you say “50% of all men,” without a qualifier, you are implying “50% of all the men in the world.” Be careful to say what you mean.
“The United States is not the world. In Europe, the only men who get circumcised are Jewish, and Jews have never been anywhere near 50% of the population of any European country.”
As a European man who was circumcised for non religious reasons (and knows other men who were also) I can tell you this is not true.
“I assure you that circumcision does NOT deaden all the nerves in the penis.”
I can assure you that it does.
If that were the case, then it would be impossible for ANY circumcised man to feel ANYTHING on his penis. Again, that is not true.
While the nerves often become less sensitive due to circumcision, this is by no means a universal way of cutting out any possibility of direct penile stimulation ever. Most circumcised men can feel the difference between “something is touching my penis in a good way,” “something is touching my penis in a harmful and not-good way,” and “nothing is touching my penis.”
By deaden I didn’t think you meant completely dead.
Of course we have SOME feeling and I agree with you about condom use as personally I don’t really have enough sensation left to tell the difference.
What I was getting upset about is more you telling circumcised men there own experiences. And maybe (excuse the pun) I’m over sensitive about the issue but also dismissing our experience.
For instance:-
“Experiment to find means of stimulation that do work, or at the very least, ask for advice on improving stimulation.”
Comes across as extremely patronising.
*Also muslims, but around age 13, not when they’re infants.
“The United States is not the world. In Europe, the only men who get circumcised are Jewish, and Jews have never been anywhere near 50% of the population of any European country.” And Muslims. Or, if like me, you are not Muslim or Jewish (parents of protestant and catholic faiths) and from England, can still be circumcised too on medical grounds. On the whole Im finding these articles quite interesting. I know few other men who are circumcised (and the of the few I do only because they where mocked in the school changing rooms), and there experiences, especially with… Read more »
@The_L
circumcision /removes/ at least a quarter of the nerves of the penis.
One-quarter. I do believe I said “not all.” One-quarter is less than “all.” Most circumcised men, while experiencing less sensitivity than uncircumcised men, are at least able to receive stimulation to the penis. That is the exact point I’ve been trying to make, over and over, in several comments, and people are picking nits. Yes, you’re less sensitive. Yes, it sucks. But complaining about how “I don’t feel as much” isn’t productive. Experiment to find means of stimulation that do work, or at the very least, ask for advice on improving stimulation. (Obviously, I’m not the best person to ask… Read more »
I’m also pretty sure that circumcision of infants isn’t all that common in Africa, Asia, or Australia either, but I’ve never heard for certain. (Note the “of infants” there: in some African tribes, young men are circumcised, voluntarily, as part of a coming-of-age ritual. That is very different from circumcising an unconsenting infant.) Considering that the age bracket for many of the young men being circumcised is 8-15 I am somewhat hesitant to call it voluntarily. In many of these cultures being uncircumcised means that you’re a social outcast and that certainly make me ask: is it really voluntarily? FMG… Read more »
My boyfriend and I use polyisoprene (he suspects a latex allergy). We had been using Bare condoms until they were discontinued by the manufacturer so now we use Skyn. Unfortunately my boyfriend feels that the Bare fit better (they also had a better smell). Hopefully there will be a greater variety of polyisoprene condoms in the future.
I love all these tips. Outercourse, yes. Let’s try to keep things fun and adventurous! Playful! Both partners can and should share and discuss pregnancy and STI prevention!
In my experience, polyisoprene condoms feel better than latex. Lower friction, less breakage, and no worries about latex allergies. Others like polyurethane, but those always feel a little funny to me. Slightly brittle, which is a very odd word to apply to something that flexible. Some swear by ’em, though, so if it works for you, rock on.
Noah, were can I find polyisoprene or polyurethane condoms? As an amateur sex-doer, I’ve been looking around but I’m only able to fin latex and those ones made from goat parts.
Most drugstores and places that have more than two kinds of condom have ’em, but they don’t say POLYISOPRENE in big letters on the box, so often the easiest way to identify them is by brand name. The Lifestyles polyisoprene model is called Skyn, for example.
Thank you.
Also, while of course people who have sex with cis men should probably make sure a condom is involved at some point[…] You can remove the “probably”. 😉 In any case, I have no problem with shaming people for practicing unsafe sex (especially on a regular basis) per se. But: 1. If your goal is to change behaviors, shaming might not be the most effective tactic as it tends to make people defensive (see: responses to your previous post). 2. People will become especially defensive if they feel you are singling them out inappropriately (see: if men should be shamed… Read more »
Very well said 🙂