The New York Times wishes to ask us all whether men are manly enough. It’s too bad that the NYT didn’t bother to ask me, because if they did I could have solved their problem really really quickly.
1) Do they identify as men?
2) If YES, then they are manly enough.
I’m waiting for my check, New York Times!
All right, there is so much stupid in this article I can’t do a proper line-by-line mockery, so y’all will have to content yourselves with a bunch of Shorters, a concept ganked from the fabulous Sadly, No!. I have linked the articles so you can see whether I’m strawmanning any of this shit. (I am not strawmanning any of this shit.)
Shorter Joel Stein: Gender is not a social construct, because my son likes cars. “We are not free to be you and me” (direct quote). If we don’t all stop being pussy-ass nerds and start fixing the plumbing and exercising, civilization will fall because no one will ever get laid again so there’ll be no babies, and also other people will kill us.
Shorter Mark Simpson: This question is stupid. Fuck off.
Shorter Natasha Scripture: I want a man who’s big… and strong… and rugged.. and can build me a log cabin on our third date… and rips his meat apart with his teeth like a real man… and OH GOD I JUST CAME.
Shorter Loni Love: Some men get pedicures, which means that I have to wait longer for my pedicures, and that upsets me. “First world problem”? What’s a “first world problem”?
Shorter Lawrence Schlossman: I disapprove of mustaches and bacon-wrapped fried things. Instead of doing that stuff, to be a real man, you should just be good, honest, kind, open, tolerant, etc. Gender role enforcement doesn’t count as long as you’re only enforcing good character!
Shorter Marty Beckerman: WAAAAAH MOM THIS GENERATION ISN’T INDULGING MY SELF-SUFFICIENT RURAL SURVIVALIST MAN FETISH WAAAAAAAAH INSTEAD THEY’RE LEARNING SKILLS THAT ARE USEFUL IN THEIR EVERYDAY LIVES WAAAAAAH MOM MAKE THEM STOP *stamps foot*
Shorter Shawn Taylor: Men need to develop a code of honor and not walk out on their kids. I dunno, man, I can’t really mock this one. Being a good parent is important if you have kids.
Shorter Kelly Turnball: Masculine men are people too, but they’re not the only kind of men who are people. Back to the important topic: I draw a webcomic about video games! Want to read it?