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You want your stepkid(s) to trust you, right? You want your family to bring you happiness, right? Stepkids can make your life a living h**l if you allow it. But, if you can win their trust (and it must be won), life is easier. You can rest knowing they won’t try to stab you in your sleep or plot to poison you at dinner. If they trust you, they may even begin doing what you ask, because they trust your intentions and judgment. But there is a secret.
Be Trustworthy
The secret to gaining your stepkids’ trust is simple…you must be trustworthy. Have you ever asked yourself if you are worthy of their trust? Just because you are a good guy, doesn’t mean your stepkids view you that way. They probably hate or have hated you more than once in their life. You are going to have to impress them with your trustworthiness. What does that mean? It means that you are always dependable and consistent. Your directives are clear, fair, and reasonable. And you always respond from a place of wanting to help and educate, not to punish. Whether you are having a spousal dispute, have had a terrible day at work, or you are having a great day, your stepkids need to see and feel like you are the same person. When they look at you, you don’t want them wondering, ‘Is he Jekyll or Hyde today?’ If they do, they definitely will not trust you.
Be Consistent
How do you make sure that your stepkids know that you will always be trustworthy? By making a habit of it. Be where you say you will be and do what you say you will do. It is not the occasional nice thing you do for your stepkids that mean the most. It doesn’t matter if you gave them a gift on their birthday or took them to their favorite restaurant that lets them know they can trust you. Those gestures may or may not even be appreciated. However, day-to-day consistency in how you handle things and how you treat them will let your stepkids know that you can be relied on. And if you are wondering if this is true when your day SUCKS…the answer is yes.
Stay Calm
Everyone can be calm, cool, and collected when things are going well. That’s no accomplishment. You need to make a commitment to be calm, cool and collected when you are tired, stressed, or angry. When your stepkid is being a jerk, even then, stay calm, consistent, patient, and safe. You will be amazed how your stepkid responds if this is your predicted behavior. Those tough times can lead to powerful relationship-building opportunities.
See Opportunities
Every roll of the eyes, every back-talk, every lash out of anger, is an opportunity to build a trustworthy reputation with your stepkids. Be a consistent, loving parental figure in their life who shows through your actions that you care about them. Parent them with guidance, not frustration and anger. They are dealing with a lot, and you can add strength and stability to their life. But, that is only if you handle yourself with emotional maturity, behave consistently, and are a dependable person.
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Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
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