“A great relationship is about two things: First, appreciating the similarities and second, respecting the differences.” — Unknown.
I recall the day my partner asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I felt excited and nervous in equal measure; excited that the person I like so much wants to be more than friends, but nervous because if things did not work out, we would have also lost the friendship.
We were 2 years into the relationship when I started to feel myself pulling away.
I no longer felt the thrill I used to feel at the beginning of our relationship, and I was frustrated that he could not just read my mind and find a way to settle my doubts and fears. (Right, ladies?)
Fast forward to today another two years since that shaky time, and taking a chance on this relationship is still one of the best decisions I have ever made.
No relationship is perfect; that much I have learned along the way. I have also learned that great relationships do not just happen. They are made by the people in the relationship.
Good relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my friends say, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.”
This is false. Just like you have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction, you have to work at improving your relationships.
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If you make these 7 choices, you will not only improve your relationship, but you could also turn around a failing relationship into a success.
Here Are 7 Ways I Completely Changed My Relationship In One Year That You Can Easily Adopt
1. Taking Responsibility For Myself
“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” — Julius Caesar
I took responsibility for myself and my actions.
What you can learn from this;
This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship.
This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions.
This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you.
For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.
When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets.
Since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.
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2. Being Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting
“We can’t heal the world today. But we can begin with a voice of compassion, a heart of love, an act of kindness.” — Mary Davis
I practised kindness, compassion and acceptance in my relationship. I chose to treat my partner the way I want to be treated.
What you can learn from this;
We all yearn to be treated lovingly — with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way.
Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness.
While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return.
If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance.
Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself.
Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do.
If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship.
You cannot make your partner change — you can only change yourself.
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3. Learning instead of controlling
“Maturity is learning to gracefully walk away from situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals, or self-worth.” — Marc and Angel
I chose to learn from the situations and circumstances around me, instead of trying to control everything.
What you can learn from this;
When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behaviour.
Over a lifetime of experience, we each learn many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on.
All the ways we try to control create even more conflict.
Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.
For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment — of losing the other — and the fear of engulfment — of losing oneself.
When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behaviour. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal.
This is how you will grow emotionally and in your relationship— by learning instead of controlling.
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4. Creating Time For Dating
“Do what you did in the beginning of the relationship, and there won’t be an end.” — Anthony Robbins
I will never stop dating my partner. I will always be his best friend and aim to keep winning his heart as we grow older.
What you can learn from this;
When people first fall in love, they make time for each other.
Then, especially after getting married, they get busy.
Relationships need time and your effort to thrive.
It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together — to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.
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5. Cultivate An Attitude Of Gratitude
“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am grateful for my partner and the relationship we have built together, and I let him know this often.
How you can learn from this;
Positive energy flows between two people when there is an attitude of gratitude.”
Constant complaints create heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around.
Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have.
Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.
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6. Have Fun And Play With Each Other
“He stole my heart so I am planning revenge. I am going to steal his last name.” — Unknown
In my relationship, we have fun and play with each other consistently.
How you can learn from this;
We all know that “work without play makes Jack a dull boy.”
Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humour is a part of everyday life.
Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is the lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.
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7. Be Of Service To The World Around You Together
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” — Mahatma Ghandi
My partner joins me over the weekend and offers his time for my service projects within the community, improving wellbeing of underserved and vulnerable children.
How you can learn from this;
A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together.
Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.
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In conclusion;
I know that no relationship is perfect. But even those imperfections differ between couples. Just because something bad happened in a previous relationship does not mean it will be your experience in the new relationship.
Relationships are not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Heal, and be optimistic that you will find your person.
If you and your partner commit to doing the above 7 things for at least 66 days, you will be amazed at the massive improvement in your relationship!
And now your thoughts…
How do you think any of these 7 ways will help you improve your relationship? Let me know in the comments section below.
I wish you love and improvement in your relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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