My ex couldn’t peel her eyes off me while I was driving. On the third day of knowing each other, she told me she planned to fly from New York to Los Angeles every few weeks to see me. Four months later, she left everything behind to move here just to be with me. As a 19-year-old girl, she saw me as her universe.
It’s insane how fast things change. The first night of our move into a new place capped off with a huge fight over nothing. She threatened to return to New York after packing her clothes. I was going through legal troubles at the time and desperately needed someone to lean on emotionally. I was so afraid to let her go that I unpacked her suitcase, basically begged for her not to leave.
Our trajectory split even more when she settled in her new life in LA. She started working and building a social circle while I disconnected from mine and lost my ambition. The highlight of my days was waiting for her to come home from work.
She no longer called me “baby.” I was just “Colin.” She used to cook for me after getting off work late at night. Later on, I was the one taking care of all the bills and chores, plus helping her with her baking business. She went from a “yes” girl to a demanding princess. At this point, I was dating a completely different person — with the same person.
I often confronted her about how much she’s changed. Still, I can’t blame her. I was simply unwilling to accept the reality that relationship dynamics constantly change and growth is inevitable.
Transitioning into a new relationship
Each new phase of a relationship requires you two to readjust your position. Her income is higher than yours now. Who should make the major decisions? Should you cater to her more? You love her more than she used to love you. Do you resent this balance shift or go with the flow? You used to be the one going out all the time. Now you’re the one calling her cell phone to make sure she’s safe at midnight.
Almost all changes occur organically. So instead of hoping for the good to last forever, you can learn to adapt to different stages of a long-term relationship.
Fall in love over and over again
The fun party girl you met in college is now a nagging stay home mom. How could you remain in love or even refresh the passion you once had for someone after a decade long of being with them? Well, let go of who you think they should be. Instead, appreciate this new version of them. Since you’ve never been apart, it’s hard to see how mature, strong, wise, and responsible she’s become over the years. She may not be the pretty little flower you once fell for, but she gave birth to the best gift you’ve ever received in life — a child. She’s become your rock. That’s merely one example, but the point is, there will always be new reasons to fall in love again. Search for them.
Don’t forget the genesis of the relationship
It eventually comes to a point where you two get so sick of seeing each other, you mutually pick on each other’s problems and fight over minuscule issues. But when you think about giving up, and you’ve truly had enough of your partner, recall the beautiful memories you two shared over the course of the relationship, especially at the beginning.
I remembered the first time waiting for my ex at the airport. As I walked towards the bathroom, a pitch-high squeaked over. I saw a penguin-like object to my left rear sight, hopping in my direction. She cradled my arms like she was never going to let go. I’ve never felt this much excitement from anyone — ever. How in the world could any girl get this psyched to see me? It’s a moment I’ll never forget.
Yes, the person you fell for many years ago may be completely different from the one you’re daily shouting over right now. They might be less attractive, more selfish, more annoying than who they used to be. However, it’s the same person with whom you once shared many special memories. So cherish them and be grateful for them to remain in your life.
The relationship root has to be love
Many relationships fall apart easily because it’s built on material and physical appearance. Once he makes a terrible investment or loses the house to foreclosure, or she gains weight or racks wrinkles, you two will start contemplating moving onto someone else. Relationships are much more sustainable when two people are bonded by a deep connection rather than external traits. You want to spend your life with someone for no other reason than your emotional attachment to them. And no matter how much change you two go through, the love still ties things together.
You two can grow together
My ex was an adventurous free spirit, a prototypical Sagittarius, a ball of energy that always lit up the room — I was the opposite. As time went on, we heavily influenced each other in both good and bad ways. I picked up her playful and joyful attitude. She soaked in my carelessness and courage to remain authentic. It’s important to share the same goals, hobbies, and values so when she zigs, you don’t have to zag.
…
The modern theme is polyamory and having fun. Everybody wants to experience dating many different people. There isn’t much wrong with that, except, imagine how incredible it would be to share most of your life with the same person? Through the ups and downs. They know you better than anyone, perhaps more than yourself. You discover yourself through them. Growing up together. Growing old together. You’re as irreplaceable in their heart as much as they are in yours.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
.10 Things Good Men Should Never Do in a Relationship | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | .. In Modern Relationships, We Cheat Every Single Day | Here’s What Happens When You Find The One |