Since more recently in my life, I was the spitting image of an anxiously-attached person: terrified of abandonment, ruminating about everything that could possibly go wrong in my relationships, being both passive and passive-aggressive to avoid conflicts, worrying about minor shifts in tone or abnormally short texts (or worse: no texts), crying often due to hypersensitivity and taking things personally, and having low levels of self-esteem and self-respect. All the while, I craved nothing more than closeness, intimacy, and love.
Like most emotional issues, these patterns began to develop during childhood. I had severe separation anxiety regarding my parents — especially my mother — at an early age, suffering with this anxiety whenever I was away from them. This resulted me in being late for school on many occasions, not sleeping at night because I was scared of my parents dying, having my mother being the only parent to sit in with me during ballet class, and calling home in the middle of the night while on a sleepover because I was too homesick to sleep. In my diary, I wrote this when I was only 7 (pardon my limited grammar abilities):
“I was scared when I went to school because I left the house without mom and dad. I hardly feel this because I go on the bus, but this day is difourant because I go on the bus but I’m scared. I cride awound [I had an “R” lisp] every-buddy. I feel defourant. […] But my day was fine.” — May 28, 2003
Overall, I was an extremely anxious child — as you can see — and so it’s no wonder that I ended up with a plethora of anxiety issues later on in life.
People with anxious attachment styles desire nothing more than deep and meaningful connection(s), and placing such a high value on something increases the fear of losing it (more value=more risk). This deeply-rooted fear of abandonment can drive us into unhealthy thought patterns, followed by actions, which we hope will prevent the abandonment from happening.
More often than not, however, such desperation to avoid abandonment usually serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and we end up pushing people away, thereby reinforcing our fears that we will always be left.
We may feel threatened when our partner spends the night out without us, when they go a whole day without saying “I love you” (because God forbid we said it first), when they are looking at their phone instead of focusing on us, or when they don’t sound as excited to talk as usual.
The abandonment anxiety that builds up inside of us when we feel threatened may result in the urge to act on negative, impulsive behaviors, such as being controlling, invading their privacy, accusing them of our worst-case scenario assumption, guilt-tripping, threatening, or stonewalling. These acts are miserable (not to mention toxic) attempts of seeking reassurance that we are still loved; that we will not be left. But, of course, no amount of reassurance will ever be enough; it is impossible to know the future, and this bad behavior only ends up creating distance and damaging relationships.
I believe that a lot of these negative impulses stem from having low levels of self-value. During these times, instead of asking ourselves if we are (mostly) happy in the relationship, if we are being treated with respect and love, and if our (reasonable) needs are being met, we instead focus on them and on their perceived abandonment of us. As a result, we find ourselves asking these questions instead, hoping to (temporarily) ease our anxiety while simultaneously beating ourselves up:
Am I good enough for them?
Do they still want me?
Did they ever?
Should I give them more so they might give me at least a tiny bit of what I desire?
Have they found someone better? It’s only a matter of time before they do..
If we become desperate enough, we may even begin to see our partner as a mirror of ourselves: reflecting whether or not we are worthy of love. Because we already believe the latter to be true, that’s usually the image we find staring back at us when they act in an unexpected way. This is why it’s so easy to believe the worst-case-scenario: we genuinely do not understand why anyone could possibly want us, and therefore cannot trust that they will stay with us.
Another problem with having low self-worth is that we can place our partner on an unrealistic pedestal, tasking them with making us feel worthy. This puts them under immense — and unfair — pressure, and they will eventually feel burned out, unable to give the amount of time, affection, and reassurance we are demanding of them to make us feel safe. Eventually, they too will start to feel like they aren’t enough.
To make matters worse, those of us with anxious attachment styles tend to pair up with partners who have avoidant attachment styles. In this dynamic, we are endlessly seeking warmth and love from someone who doesn’t feel safe giving it. We feel inadequate as none of our needs our met — not even our healthy ones — and they feel inadequate for not being able to meet any of our needs. It’s an unhealthy partnership, but an addictive one: proving our worst fears to be true.
In my experience, gaining self-respect has helped me overcome many of my anxious-attachment habits. It took time, patience, and effort, but I have wired into myself new directions of thought, and I now know how to catch myself before I spiral into unhealthy actions. Instead of affirming my worries, I tell myself positive and rational things. Instead of seeking futile reassurance, I am able to build myself up.
Let me paint a picture for you..
I was eighteen and experiencing my first real heartbreak. I had no self-awareness and didn’t even know what attachment styles were.
I was my worst self when I lacked this crucial knowledge, and, not knowing how to handle my intense fears and emotions, I ended up making all the wrong choices based on my desperate impulses to prevent her from leaving me. I double-texted, triple-texted,.. heck, I sent out over a hundred texts during the summer after she cut me out of her life, begging for her to come back. I bought her gifts hoping they would change her mind (which she gave away to other people). I tried to say “hello” in person and she walked right by me. I sent her anonymous Tumblr messages and called her from unknown numbers (proving she was ignoring me). And yes, I admittedly did the horrible thing where I threatened suicide in a final desperate attempt to get her back. And, to be honest, I did feel like dying at that point, with my emotions nearly swallowing me whole and having no way to navigate them. It eventually got so unbearable that I dropped out of school.
Not only did these actions miserably fail (all I did was push her further away), but I also lost more and more self-respect every time I tried “winning her back.” I was showing both of us how little I valued myself, and how highly I had placed her above me by “needing” her.
Chasing after someone who is making the clear signs of not wanting you not only harms your relationship with them, but also your relationship with yourself. You are sending your mind the message that you are not someone who is worthy or valuable by merely wanting someone who does not see anything worthwhile in you. And the more you devalue yourself, the more you need reassurance, and the more you chase. It’s an endless cycle.
Eventually, I moved on, although it took ridiculously long for me to get over that fling. Afterwards, I was relatively happy, regained a decent amount of self-worth, and my thoughts were obsessive over no one. I thought I was in the clear.
Until I fell in love again..
My second love was extremely avoidant, though I did not realize the full extent of it at first. Once I was hooked, however, it began to show. The newfound closeness of our relationship scared her, and as she pulled back, my anxious thoughts and behaviors also resurfaced.
For nearly a year I tried to force together these two puzzle pieces that were not made for one another, compensating in any way I could, and falling deeper into depression by the day. And, just like that, the self-esteem that had taken me years to rebuild was diminished in a fraction of the time.
Fast forward..
If I knew then what I know now, both of those stories would have played out completely differently. At the first sign of them showing clear disinterest, I would have simply let them move on with their lives, allowing myself do the same, even if it stung at first. I would have never let myself get so desperate, nor devalue myself in such a way that I never will again.
HOW I GOT TO WHERE I AM TODAY
To start things off, healing is a journey. I am far from perfect, and I’m still a very anxious and hypersensitive person by nature.
However, I am a lot healthier than I was before, and I can credit much of that to gaining knowledge about my inner self and relationship dynamics.
Since an anxious attachment’s fears begin surfacing within the mind, we need to “nip it in the bud” while it’s still in the developmental phase; before these thoughts become actions. In order to catch ourselves in the early stages of spiraling, we need to be conscientious of our thought patterns and know how to redirect them as opposed to feeding them.
For example:
Fear: “Maybe she doesn’t want me anymore.”
Redirection: “I only want someone who wants me.”
Instead of focusing on the what-ifs of what someone else may be thinking, feeling, or doing, redirect your attention to yourself: the one person you do have control over. Tell yourself — even if you don’t believe it yet — that even if the worst-case scenario is true, who cares? There’s nothing you can do about it, after all. You want someone who sees you, loves you, and chooses you.. and you should accept nothing less than someone who wants you. That’s the bare minimum.
Fear: “They might be cheating on me.”
Redirection: “I value independence and trust in my relationship, recognizing that this is my own fear speaking.”
Do you really want to have to control someone into being with you? If you could choose, would you want someone who stays with you because they have no other options, or someone who chooses you above the rest every single day?
The worse that could happen is that they do cheat, and if they do, do you really want to be with them anyway?
Once you’ve reminded yourself of this, set your partner free. Don’t guilt-trip them into staying home, blowing off their friends yet again; let them go and allow yourself to sit with the anxiety until it passes — I promise you, it will — while also using this free time to your advantage. When your partner returns to you lovingly (absence makes the heart grow fonder), it will create trust and help you to feel safer when you are separated again.
Fear: “I’m scared that my partner will never put more effort in to make me feel appreciated or loved.”
Redirection: “I have certain needs that I want met in a relationship, and I refuse to sacrifice those needs.”
Of course there are sacrifices and compromises to be made in every relationship, but if your partner is continuously pushing you away and you find yourself miserable, undervalued, and trying to hold the relationship together on your own, it’s time to say goodbye.
Chances are, they aren’t going to change, especially if they’ve already made it clear that they are unwilling to commit or put more effort in.
I talk more about settling in relationships here.
Fear: “My partner seems less excited to talk to me, maybe they are losing interest.”
Redirection: “Maybe my partner is having a bad day, I should make sure they’re okay and give them space if they need it.”
Almost all of us have sent or received the “do you still love me?” text. The answer is almost always “yes,” but this “yes” is often not enough to completely absolve the anxiety that is building up. After all, how can we trust that they meant what they said?
During times when your partner seems isolating, irritable, or upset, remember that their emotions have more to do with them than they do with you. They might seem distant or agitated because of something they are dealing with inside/apart from the relationship:
Perhaps their boss yelled at them at work, maybe they were stuck in traffic for half an hour, or they simply missed breakfast (and coffee) that day. Before you act on your urge to seek reassurance, make sure they are okay; validate their emotions instead and give them the space to talk. Recognize that you cannot expect someone to be high energy and excited to talk to you all the time.
That being said, seeking reassurance isn’t a bad thing — my partner and I do it on occasion and have no problem reminding each other that yes, we still love them — just make sure they are okay first, when applicable use “I feel” statements instead of “do you” questions, and try to work through the negative emotions yourself sometimes.
Other things that have helped me heal:
Something that has helped me a great deal is being with a partner who is more securely attached; who freely gives me reassurance and affection, and who shows me consistent love and effort. These things are extremely helpful at easing my nervous system and helping me feel safe, even in times of distance or disagreement.
When you do find yourself trying hard not to reach your phone to send that reassurance-seeking text, first remind yourself of all the wonderful things your partner has said to you. You can write them down or save them on your phone so you can read those kind words in times where you need reassurance but cannot get it. This should help to calm your anxiety down, even if only a little bit.
To prevent yourself from becoming too dependent — as anxious-attachments have a habit of doing — retain a life outside of your relationship. Indulge in your hobbies and interests and don’t stop talking to your friends. This helps you to keep your identity and not attach your entire sense of self to the opinion of one person. The goal is to find a healthy balance between dependency and independency.
In summary:
- Know your worth
- Never chase or beg
- Let go of what isn’t working
- Get comfortable sitting with your anxiety and consoling yourself
- Let go of control and trust that what is meant to happen will happen
- Recognize that your partner has complete free will and their own emotions, reactions, triggers, and experiences
Balance your life and priorities
As you begin on this journey of self-respect and self-assurance, do not forget to give yourself the freedom to forgive your past, present, and future self.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Scott Broome on Unsplash