I once kept a mental wish list of mostly superficial characteristics that I measured against potential romantic partners. I wanted them to be a certain height, drive a particular caliber of vehicle, look and dress a certain way. There were less shallow items mixed in, but the bulk of my rationale focused on external attributes.
The criteria for my decision-making were all about the other person. This sounds good, as though you’re getting what you want. The issue is that you may not get what you need. Someone could check every box on your list and still not be right for you.
The process by which I deemed someone THE one was not only flawed, but incomplete to my detriment. I didn’t consider at all how my desired partner attributes would affect me or contribute to the viability of a relationship. I just thought that if he came with certain things, I’d be happy with him. But who someone is and how they look are often two unrelated variables.
It’s not even that I was judging a book by its cover. In the naïveté of my young adulthood, I saw the cover as the book. If it was neat and pretty and caught my attention, I considered it the foundation for a great read.
It shouldn’t be surprising that my early adult dating life was filled with empty, unfulfilling unions. I matched with some tall liars, a few emotionally unavailable heartthrobs, and a couple of suave, inconsiderate, business professionals. Those were the results my “list” rendered.
What a person drives or how fancy their shoes are has nothing to do with romantic compatibility. Attraction and intrigue? Yes. But external characteristics aren’t reliable indicators of the way a person loves or if it supports the way you need to be loved.
I was caught up in appearances — how a relationship looked instead of how it felt.
My assessment has evolved and shifted to a mostly inward focus. I think that’s where the answer resides when considering whether you should pursue a serious commitment to someone. That is, if you aspire to marriage and life-partnership.
Taking inventory of how I feel when I’m with someone has never steered me wrong.
We often consider ourselves cognitive beings who sometimes feel emotion. Research shows that it’s the opposite. We’re emotionally intuitive beings who operate through intellectual cognition on occasion. Your gut seldom lies.
I place great value on making responsible, well-thought-out decisions in matters of the heart. It matters that you’re comfortable with the tangible elements that a partner brings to the relationship. I believe it’s part of the process, just not all of it — and perhaps not even the part that’s most impactful.
You can’t tell someone’s designer suit or lofty bank account about your troubles. Those things won’t show up to your business launch party or give you a pep talk when feeling low. A person’s height won’t encourage you to pursue your dreams. We often give such elements more significance than is warranted.
Focus on how you feel.
When you’re with the person you’re dating, do you feel happy and free? Supported and loved? Do you feel powerful or small? The answers to those questions indicate the health of the relationship and how it impacts your well-being.
Think about who you are in a relationship. Do you like that version of yourself? You should. You must for it to work without requiring the sacrifice of your self-esteem.
I believe that’s where our focus should be when weighing a long-term, life-altering commitment. Relationships should add value to our lives. If not, by default, they take away.
It’s not that you should depend on someone else for your happiness, confidence, or motivation. The question is: Does your love interest enhance the best parts of you? If so, they just may be the one.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Luis Quintero on Unsplash.com