“I Don’t Know Who I Am”

Talk on the phone for a week — ghosted.

Talk on the phone for forty-seven minutes — ghosted.

Message each other back and forth on Bumble for days — ghosted.

Until recently, I used to get good results from messaging via text, social media, or dating apps. I honed my skills as a teenager because I was too scared to talk to anyone, let alone a girl in high school.

I felt the most comfortable virtually because I could think about what I was going to say; I could rehearse it in my mind and pretend I was charismatic and charming.

I moved away for college and fell into a muddy pond of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. I didn’t have anyone to text because I didn’t have the social skills to meet new people.

To improve my ability to meet new people, I read books and watched videos about all topics socially: networking, sales, charisma, and text.

I approached any and every person. I’d talk to people on my way to class and the ones sitting at desks that surrounded mine. I’d make conversations with strangers at the gym. I’d talk to every customer that walked through the door while I worked at Starbucks. It didn’t matter if they looked rushed, happy, sad, or angry; I talked to them.

In a matter of years, I was considered the most charismatic person amongst my friends, family, coworkers, and partners. I’d get many numbers from girls I was interested in, but most of them wouldn’t turn out to much — very rarely, we’d meet up. But typically, we’d text a bit then the conversation would die.

I wasn’t getting the same results I did in high school. I didn’t think much of it until recently, after a couple of promising interactions led to the same outcome — me alone playing video games with my brother.

I was in the jacuzzi with my best friend the other night, and we talked about how we wished we could do high school all over again.

He said he wouldn’t have focused on getting good grades because he realized the college you graduated from didn’t influence your success as he’s making six figures attending local schools.

“I miss being the shy, introverted kid that would get attention and attraction doing very little,” I declared apathetically.

Then it hit me:

“Maybe I should go back to my old ways. Say little. Smile. And wait for them to make conversation with me”, I thought silently.

Then it hit me:

“I got decent results in high school, but they still weren’t that impressive. Or, I know I need to do better,” I rebutted my previous suggestion.

Then it hit me:

“But wait, my current results aren’t that much better than my previous. What the hell should I do?!” I exclaimed anxiously.

Upon reflection, I’ve come along way. I’m not as anxious in social situations, I can start and continue conversations effortlessly, and I’ve dated models and yoga instructors.

But I still experience many hiccups in person, and virtually that leave with my hand down my pants after I play video games with my brother (forgot to mention that earlier).

I found myself wanting to cling to my old ways — being shy and introverted.

I also found myself wanting to cling to the “new” me — to the knowledge I spent days and nights researching and to the successes I’ve experienced in the last eleven years.

But neither way is satisfying me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

What’s a man to do?!

I realized I have to start from new. I have to erase from my memory the “old” and “new” me.

I have to let go of what I “know.” I have to stop filtering my external world through the tips, tricks, and suggestions of gurus and influencers.

I have to stop controlling people and myself to avoid pain and to obtain pleasure.

So my current dilemma or epiphany is:

“I don’t know who I am.”

I’ve spent the last eleven years adapting mindsets and traits I thought would guarantee success and, more importantly, happiness.

I spent the last eleven years manufacturing an identity and persona that wasn’t authentic.

I spent the last eleven years disowning my intuition and true Self.

Our intuition is the instinctual knowing minus previous knowledge, experience, or reason.

Our intuition taught our ancestors how to make weapons to hunt and make fire and huts from sticks and wood.

Our intuition says the “right” words for the car salesperson without a manufactured script.

Our intuition sparks an athlete’s spontaneous reaction on the court, field, or ice.

Our intuition helps us learn skills that are foreign and untaught.

I have to reconnect to this instinctual knowing to better connect with myself and others, make genuine decisions, and practice self-love and trust.

To let go of what I know, of who I am, to find my true Self is terrifying in thought and practice.

“What should I do?” and “I don’t know what to do” are two tremors my mind spews from morning to evening.

But there is no better time to practice self-trust and explore my true Self when navigating my ego’s anxiety.

I’ll let my gut answer the question of “what should I say to this text?”

I’ll place faith in my intuition to authentically and respectfully respond to a smirk, smile, or frown.

Perhaps, in time, after I’m finished playing video games for the night with my brother, I’ll have a beautiful person beside me, in my bed.

But I digress.

…

Dream Chasers is my email list for those who imagine a future different than their present.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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