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I found out after a breakup a few years back, that yet another man I dated had gone into counseling after our relationship ended. (I know you’re thinking why am I following the dating blog of a woman who drives men into therapy?)I thought the same thing… and then I thought about dharma. Dharma is the concept that we all have a unique path and purpose. Part of mine might just be to drive people, not just men, straight into deep inner work, whatever that is. Wake up and find the person you were meant to be. Heal anything holding you back, now.
I am fully intentional to understand, grow and be a better human. I’m a loud voice about doing inner work because I feel like the stereotypes that keep people from doing the work are destructive and provincial. Like “it’s a sign of weakness” — BULL. Doing work takes moxie .Yep. If you go in with a true desire to get to the bottom of you and keep it real, it’s hardcore. It’s like yoga, it looks easy but if you’re doing it right, it’s NOT.
I have some suggestions and they come from my experience living in the contrast. A lot of my perspective on relationships and dating comes from my time with a woman who has been as much a coach as a therapist to me and regardless of where I live, she’s my go to.
Here’s what matters in a life coach/counselor:
They need to be really wicked smart, the kind of smart where you go — DANG. They need to actually be “doing it” i.e. living the kind of life you respect and aspire to. The woman who has coached me through the worst days of my life is: insanely smart, healthy, fit, and has a memory unlike anyone I’ve ever met. She is a high horsepower kind of chick who ain’t scared. She said something to me once (well, many times) that was so honest; I was stunned by it and at the same time at perfect peace with the immense healing it provided. “Judy, I think he was in love with the IDEA of you.” OUCH, OUCH. But I had already thought that too and hearing that truth (again) set me free.
It saved me a ridiculous amount of time, heartbreak, money and productivity at work to get to the bottom of an intense, budding relationship that went south and the why?? of it. It was still painful but it put it to bed so much faster for me. A lot of my point of view about life, dating and relationships has been hammered out in that space, as I get my PHD in Tracy Boyer-Matthews life 101.
It takes nerve, smarts, trust, and a true command of her work (Imago therapy) to pull that off. Sweet and compassionate is important to me in friends but I don’t recommend merely that that for real inner work -get a puppy or a kitten.
I am most grateful for the opportunity and to have connected with the right person and modality for me. I am biased about Imago work because it makes sense and I’ve done a ton of it. (Imagorelationships.org). I am biased about Tracy because she the real deal. It’s like dating a man, find the right one and don’t be scared to change if it doesn’t feel right or like you are progressing.
The bottom line is the better you know you and the more healed you are, the better your chances of meeting someone who is living at the pitch of life you seek.
Look deeply inward, Intrepid soul, you won’t regret it, I promise.
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Photo: Getty Images
