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A true story from February 19, 2017…
A woman went to her friend’s house to watch TV. She knew that he carried a torch for her, but he assured her that he was happy to just be friends. She did her best to ignore the romantic energy she felt from him so as to maintain the friendship, but she always felt the pressure.
That night, he started being what he called “playful” with her in a way with which she wasn’t comfortable. He tried to get her to put her hand on his leg. She refused. Yet he continued to try to coax her into doing it. “Come on, just right here,” he said, grabbing her hand. “No,” she said, pulling her hand away.
He was completely unwilling or unable to attune to her body language; her arms pulled into herself, her legs pointing away from him, and her body leaning away in the other direction. He continued to push toward and into her on the couch and he started touching her face. She attempted to meet him at his “playful” level by saying, “no means no,” with as much “playful” energy as she could muster at the moment. But she was feeling anything but playful.
“Move or I’ll move you,” she said. He ignored her request, still trying to talk to her.
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In that moment, she was reminded of a time not long before when he started being “playful” with her to the point where she uncontrollably slapped his hand away from her to back him off.
As he continued, she became even less “playful” and told him to stop. Then she told him to back off. He persisted, wanting to know why. “What’s the problem?” he asked. She repeatedly told him to back off. But he wouldn’t relent. He was still physically pressed against her and she felt her anger start to rage inside her.
She forcefully talked about respecting her boundaries and listening to her. He didn’t understand why she was upset. He kept trying to get her to explain it. With an internal “fight or flight” response brewing all she could explain to him was “back off.”
By the time he did, it was too late. She was furious and knew she needed to leave. They sat in silence for a moment, and then she stood up.
“I’m leaving,” she said plainly. She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. He blocked her path, standing in front of the door. She kept repeating herself over and over again, asking him to step away from the door, her anger rising with every passing second.
She pounded on the door next to him and demanded he stand aside. He refused. She pounded again. Still, he refused. She tried to show him her level of anger and rage by gently grabbing his neck, trying to get him to see how desperate she was to leave. Still, he ignored her.
“Move or I’ll move you,” she said. He ignored her request, still trying to talk to her.
And move him she did, by physically grabbing and pushing him out of her way. She then opened the door and went into the hallway, turning to look at him one last time, so that he would know the fury inside of her that he triggered and telling him she would never put herself in that position again.
On the drive home, she talked herself down. She accepted full responsibility for her actions. She knew she put herself in a bad situation. She knew it wasn’t in her, or his, best interest to be in that house. She quietly apologized to him for it, and to herself as well. She forgave them both. And she vowed to do right by both of them by never making the same mistake.
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Who is at fault here? Him, for the continued, unwanted advances, or her, for putting herself in that position? Think fast.
As stated above, this is a true story. However there is one element that is inaccurate: The man in this story is actually a woman, and the woman is actually a man – me.
I flipped the gender roles so you might consider how you felt as you believed the story as it’s written and how you feel now that you know the truth of it. Have your thoughts and feelings about the people involved changed in some way? Was the “woman” in the story over-reacting? Knowing that person was actually a man, does it somehow seem like less of an offense?
I remember seeing a video where a man abuses a woman in public and people quickly intervened. Then, they reset the stage later so that the woman abuses the man in public and people laughed.
Violating someone’s boundaries is no laughing matter, regardless of gender. Man or woman, it’s important to attune to the person you’re with and listen to and honor what they are saying, even when you don’t like it or disagree.
I lost a friend that night – last night, actually as I write this on February 20, 2017. I will never see nor speak to her again. I was reminded of an expensive lesson that the first person who must honor my boundaries is me. The same is true for you, man or woman. And no one, regardless of gender, has the right to violate them.
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Photo Credit: Getty Images
“She accepted full responsibility for her actions. She knew she put herself in a bad situation. She knew it wasn’t in her, or his, best interest to be in that house. She quietly apologized to him for it, and to herself as well. She forgave them both. And she vowed to do right by both of them by never making the same mistake.” Stop blaming victims. Especially yourself. When it comes to issues of harassment and assault, people have a right to expect treatment that is respectful of their autonomy, no matter where they are or with whom they are… Read more »
What happens when women violate men?
Excuses, ego attacks, prejudice, expectation and shaming.
It is why the “Violence against women and children” act purposely excludes men. Not only are we left with no voice, protection, but exactly who does that leave as the assumed perpetrator? Santa Claus?
As a woman, I’ve told a man to move or be moved. Having been in your position before I sympathize with you. As a mother of sons I hope that they are never in this kind of situation, either as perpetrators or victims.
The offense against you is no less, the violation of your boundaries no less than when it happens with the genders flipped.
I’m glad you are big enough to be able to walk about against the other person’s will. Usually, that’s not an option when the genders are flipped.
But while the two can’t be equated from the standpoint of the level of physical danger the sexes are in, I will defend to the death your right to your boundaries and your autonomy. No one should be violated.
One thing really stood out to me as I was reading the story, and even made me furrow my brow a little, but it made perfect sense upon the reveal: when “she” said, “Move, or I’ll move you.” Women don’t often say things like that to men, simply because it’s not really an option. No one has the right to violate your personal boundaries. This woman is not your friend. I hope you’re cutting her out of your life, because she clearly values her own emotional agenda more than anything you want, including your clearly expressed limits. She has shown… Read more »
“I’m sorry that people aren’t more sympathetic to men who are the victims of abuse by women, sincerely, I am. ”
No, you’re not.
Yup!
Saying it’s a false equivalency or reminding people that the balance of sheer physical power lies on one side of the equation doesn’t mean that I can’t recognize that some men would not exploit their physical power over the women in their lives. It also doesn’t mean that I can’t recognize that there are some awful women out there that prey on men and take advantage of their ethics to humiliate and abuse them. I’ve met some women like that. They’re horrible. I know enough about domestic violence to know that both men and women can be victims, and that… Read more »
“But it’s only fair to remember that women are also vastly more likely to be victims of violence at the hands of men” Actually, the opposite is true and there is a boatload of evidence to support it. Women are far more likely to assault a significant other then the other way around. Heck, we portray violence against men as fodder for sitcoms. We see it every day, and it is exactly why you assume what you do. We teach women that from an early age, that it is ok to strike a man, abuse a man, even rape a… Read more »
What kind of assault are we talking about when you say women are more likely to assault men? And where can I find such information? There are Infact different kinds of assualt and they can end up with different results. I think it’s important to note how violence may look differently when it comes to the genders only so we can recognize it more easily. Women are more likely to end up in the hospital, severely abused or even murdered as a result of partner violence. Infact, a woman is more likely to be murdered by a male partner than… Read more »
Its nigh impossible to forget the difference because it has been used an excuse to dismiss the experiences of abused and violated men for so long. It even shapes the laws on violence and abuse and shapes how they are used. But let me describe a different kind of terror. The terror of knowing that someone is trying to violate you and is able to use the very fact that you are bigger and stronger against you as a way to convince you that even protecting yourself against the attacker will be used against you. The attacker knows that law… Read more »