Everyone reminds you to move on from a failed relationship, unrequited love, and poor treatment from your partner. It’s a sign of self-respect. And so they say.
Sure, you can replace the void with a new relationship or distract yourself with a mind-numbing schedule. But at some point, you will remember the unfinished business you had months or years ago, the relationship you didn’t get a clear answer from, the one you wondered what if. In spite of your “new life,” you still think about the one who got away.
I’ve been trying to let go of a one-sided love for a few weeks now, torn between cutting off contact/restarting versus upgrading myself/giving it one last shot. I’ve been meeting new people. Still scouting the prospects. However, the possibility of changing her heart has always lingered around even though she’s moving overseas at the end of the year.
We obsess over what we can’t get — it’s human nature. Instead of forcing ourselves to make the rational decision of forgetting that unforgettable person, let’s follow our hearts and let it get as messy as it needs to. There’s an increased pressure to retain our dignity today in relationships, not to tolerate an inch of disrespect and poor treatment from our partners. Unless they meet our standards, they ought to get lost.
But let’s be honest here, who can say that they’ve never compromised their pride for love? Who’s been treated exactly the way they think they deserve 100% of the time? No one. Because love is worth the sacrifice. Love is sacrifice. It’s about mutually accommodating each other. To a degree, of course. The longer a relationship, the more a couple becomes alike. It’s why old couples have the same smile when you look at their pictures.
I say all of this to say, being fixated on a particular person beyond an appropriate amount of time is O-Kay. It could be a month to a year. It doesn’t mean we don’t love ourselves or have self-respect. It just means we’re really in love with the other person or we enjoy the challenge of chasing after the nearly unattainable. It doesn’t make us less than them or inferior in any way.
What we really want is to know why they ghosted us so we can become aware of our shortcomings for the next relationship. We want them to give us a definitive answer that we deserve. We want a “yes,” “no,” and “why.” It’s okay to communicate that to them. They won’t feel obligated to give you an answer without making them feel like they owe it to you, which they do a lot of the time. Holding onto someone isn’t pathetic. Being afraid to ask for closure is.
Just listen to your heart. It knows you better than all your friends, family, society, and yourself.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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