“You know what the problem is,” my then-boyfriend said, “I am too good to you, and you don’t want a nice guy!”
“What?” I thought. How could our communication have gone so wrong for him to think that his being nice was the problem? The only reason why I was in a relationship with him was because he was a nice guy.
Well, that and he checked off each and every box of my boyfriend checklist, and at the time, he didn’t even know there was a checklist! And it’s a long checklist! Did he not understand why I was so upset with him?
His being nice was the only reason why I wanted to stay with him through the disagreement, and what happened was a really big deal to me, and what transpired didn’t live up to the responsibilities I felt he had to me as his partner. He didn’t meet a standard I thought a boyfriend of mine should have met, and because of that, I needed some time and space to think about whether or not I believed it to be a deal-breaker.
But it did get me thinking, did nice guys finish last? And why was a nice guy using that as the substitute for our disagreement?
There is this idea that if you shower a woman with love and adoration, if you are kind, sweet, open, and vulnerable, she will ignore you and pay attention to the man who doesn’t give a second thought. But when speaking to my girlfriends and some guy friends, I don’t actually think that is the case. And in our dating experiences, we have found that when we do meet nice guys, they tend to fall short in a few other areas.
So this is my message to all the nice guys out there. And let me be clear, this is about nice guys who are genuinely nice guys.
These are not the bad boys in disguise. We all know who those men are; they come in like a knight in shining armor but later turn out to be rude, cruel, and obnoxious. Or they are nice to us but are not nice to other people they encounter. They are a completely different breed.
Nice doesn’t mean responsible
So you’ve sent the person you are interested in good morning and good night texts consistently, sent flowers to them, and look at them like they are the most precious flower on earth, but when they ask you what you want to do as far as your career or other goals, you say you don’t know.
Do you rent or do you own? They ask. Do you want to own a home? Do you have a working car? If not, when will you get one?
How can they hope to build a future with you if you don’t know what you want your future to look like?
We don’t want a nice man who suffers from Peter Pan syndrome. We want a functioning adult or at least someone who is trying to be a functioning adult.
Just try to be a functioning adult. Ok?
Nice doesn’t mean you have drive and ambition
Shortly after graduating college, I returned home, to my parents, for one year before going to graduate school. During that year, I reconnected with high school friends and became really close with one of them.
He was soon taking me out to dinner, being super thoughtful and kind, etc., but when I asked him what his ambitions were, he said he wanted to be a musician. Though some people may be a little turned off by the idea of dating someone with aspirations of being a musician because for many, many years, there’s not much income.
Still, to me, at the time, though my thoughts on this have changed slightly as I have gotten older, it didn’t matter much, as long as the person was working hard to achieve their dreams. The only problem was that he didn’t want to practice or take advantage of performance opportunities in our neighborhood.
And no, it wasn’t a case of him being too busy to practice; it was that he did not want to practice, as if his craft would improve without daily, weekly, or monthly strengthening of skills.
As I have gotten older, I have seen similar behavior in older men. They want to own businesses, but they don’t want to hustle for it.
What are your goals? Aspirations? Ambitions? What drives you to be your very best every day? What vision do you have of yourself in the future? Are you working toward that vision each and every day?
Nice doesn’t mean our drive and ambition doesn’t bother you
Sometimes, nice guys, and not-so-nice guys, feel threatened by a woman’s drive and ambition when they aren’t equally matched academically or professionally. And no matter how nice they are, they lack the confidence, security, and self-assurance to be with a woman who has had some success in her life, no matter how much their partner tries to lift him up and make him feel like “a man.”
Nice doesn’t mean you have faced your past traumas
Just because you’ve treated your partner well doesn’t mean you’re ready for a relationship. We are all a work in progress, and we are all faced with healing from negative past experiences, and we are all still deserving of love even while we work through our healing processes, but only if we are willing to do the healing work.
There comes a point when past traumas and or negative experiences begin to affect romantic relationships, and unless the person wants to and does work through their own personal issues, it doesn’t matter how nice you are.
You can only wait so long for someone to want to work through their negative experiences when it begins to negatively affect you as their partner and overall relationship.
Nice doesn’t mean you check all of the other boxes
Being nice is the requirement, the bare minimum, and should be treated as such.
In addition to facing past traumas, having drive and ambition, and being responsible, how are your communication skills? There are so many other needs we have. Being nice should be considered a superpower, not an excuse or a hindrance.
From a nice girl to all the nice guys, being nice is a superpower, and there are plenty of people who love nice guys, who want nice guys, who value nice guys and will choose nice guys.
So if you’re feeling undervalued and underappreciated, just come on over to the nice girl and guy section. And remember, you don’t need to be perfect; I know I am not, and nobody is, but you should be willing to work on the areas that aren’t.
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This post was previously published in P.S. I Love You on Medium.
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