It may seem old fashioned, but there are perks to waiting to get it on until you put a ring on.
My wife and I were virgins when we got married. Gasp … I know! Although it took every sliver of self-control for us to make it until our honeymoon, I’m grateful that we were able to bridle our passions enough to save ourselves sexually for only each other.
When my wife and I watch TV shows or movies that portray casual sex, we often discuss how strange the concept of having sex with someone you barely know is to us. The idea of meeting someone at a bar or club and having sex with them after only a few hours is completely foreign to us. I think having sexual intercourse is the most intimate experience. It is interesting to think that other people have had such an intimate interaction with multiple people throughout their life.
One of the perks of only having had one sexual partner in my life is that I am completely satisfied with my sex life. I have no other sexual partners to compare with my wife. She meets all of my sexual needs, wants, and fantasies because I don’t know any different. I know this isn’t true for all people and has been a motivator for unfaithfulness in relationships, but it has been for me.
Some may read about my satisfaction in my sex life and feel that I am complacent or that ignorance is bliss. On some level this may be true, but my wife and I have created a unique bond with one another because of our short sexual history. For me, sex has never felt hollow or empty. It has never been about meeting my needs. Sexual intimacy in my marriage has always been a very special, connecting experience.
My wife and I have never had to deal with issues of jealousy or insecurity in our sex life. We’ve never wondered about one another’s past sexual partners or been concerned that we were being compared to them. Sex is complicated no matter what, but complete sexual fidelity prior to and throughout our marriage has saved us the worries of STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
Each person’s sexual life is their business. I don’t feel that my sexual history makes me superior to anyone else, but it’s been positive for me. I’ve found it beneficial to only have had one sexual partner in my life and to commit myself to her on every level. There is something refreshing about finding someone you want to spend your life with and devoting yourself to that person physically, sexually, and emotionally.
I think emotional fidelity is an important aspect of a relationship that often gets overlooked. People think if they aren’t sexually cheating on their partner then everything is okay, but being emotionally unfaithful to your significant other can be damaging to your relationship as well. Going to someone outside of your relationship for emotional support and consoling can lead to feelings of jealously and mistrust or eventually a sexual affair. Whoever you are with romantically should be your closest friend and confidant.
My wife and I have both changed during our almost five years of marriage. Having two children has certainly made our relationship more complicated, including our sex life. Staying with someone through life’s transitions and transformations offers similar lessons to waiting to have sex until marriage. You learn to be the master of yourself and that you have the capacity to stick with something when it is not easy or convenient. Committing to a life partner means falling in love again and again with the person they are constantly becoming.
—Photo Cameron Nordholm/Flickr
If sex is a “minor issue”, why is this article even written, and why are people writing series of posts fervently defending their position on it?
It’s like I wrote an article debating whether or not I’m gonna have hamburgers for dinner. Noone would give a sh!t. THAT, to me, is a minor issue!
LONG POSTS EVERYWHERE!
I liked this article..thank you for writing it.
People CANNOT live without sex. Why is this idea becoming the norm? How can you love someone without a sexual connection? You might as well just “date” your brother. Without sex our species die. Sexual deviance (abuse, rape, violence children etc) will become more pervasive than ever in America. We are suppressed and make sex much bigger than it really is. People are constantly being punished for having sexual desires or ridiculed for having a sexual relationship that doesn’t fit in the Ozzie and Harriet paradigm. No we don’t need to swing from trees sniffing butts, but we don’t need… Read more »
Took
about 4 posts for the slut-shaming to arrive.
“Disgusting?” — really dude?
I said I find people who sleep with other people they don’t know disgusting. Because I do. I didn’t say sluts and I didn’t say women. I mean all people. It leads to people getting hurt, it leads to feelings of shame, it leads to bad things.
And I don’t like people getting used just for sex. Like they are a bag of meat. People don’t like getting used either, and that shows in the feelings of shame and hatred for the other person when they find out they have been used.
I remember coming up with this paradox about sex in relationships only to discover Dan Savage had beat me to it: If sex isn’t important in our relationship, then why is it so important that I not do this unimportant thing with anyone else? Many people make a big deal out of their sexual relationship being the only sexual relationship they have and that it also be with the very same person with which they have a companionate relationship. It seems odd to me then that it would be super important for your companionate relationship to be with someone you… Read more »
As someone who is currently having sex with a first timer. Virginity is more about attitude and emotions and less about sex. My fiance was a virgin until 29. I am not. He recently started having sex with me and he has similar views as the author. He feels secure, he trusts me and he likes the idea of only 1 person forever. His emotions trump his desire. I on the other hand, have had many partners, enjoy the uncertainty of sex and crave variety in my sex life. My desire trumps my emotions. Is one right or wrong? I… Read more »
Can’t sleep, so am replying… Desire is an emotion (I would say). I’d go so far as to say this is less about sex and more about point of view on life. Just as someone who craves adventure and travel wouldn’t be content being married to a staunch homebody (and vice versa) perhaps there are simply personality types that place “sex” in the camp of creative play, collaboration, adventure, excitement of uncertainty and there are other personality types that place it in the camp of security, tradition, ritual. So the author found a sexual partner with compatability not only in… Read more »
If you are saying that sex is more important to you than your partner then I think it is you who needs to change. I might be wrong but it sounds like you are his world. I think that should be enough for any person, to have someone who cares for them like that. I think you are lucky to have him. Congratulations on working through it. I’m sure you will have a great and fulfilling relationship. If it’s broken try and fix it, don’t just throw it away. That’s what good couples should do, work on it. It seems… Read more »
I have had a similar experience to this commenter and I held on entirely too long to that relationship trying to make it work which made both of us miserable in the end. We were not sexually compatible. I had more experience than him and at times it was like having sex with myself but a myself that only did it because that’s what people do. There was no excitement and passion and exploration that didn’t involve me having to do all the work. This in turn let to resentment and generalized fights in the relationship because it really was… Read more »
Jamie I would like to ask if you read her post carefully. I believe she is feeling an undue pressure on being this person’s whole world, and in addition, she is feeling that their is a significant mismatch in terms of the pleasure they bring each other. What makes sex so much more important to a relationship that it’s a) the most important thing to wait trying and b) not important enough to leave a relationship for all at the same time? While I am not trying to compare sex in this case to anything else, that’s how I’m going… Read more »
I would just like to add that the incompatibility doesn’t necessarily come from him having been a virgin. 1. He could have been a virgin for ideological reasons without having a low sex drive or interest only in vanilla sex. 2. He could be a virgin BECAUSE of those things, rather than those things being because he is a virgin. This article is trying to show a counterpoint to the idea that you should check whether yo enjoy sex with someone before you commit to them, but I think part of that discussion needs to be about the idea of… Read more »
The things you point out are obvious things that would lead to whether or not a person is right for you. You make out like people entering marriage or a relationship don’t know the first thing about their partner. If you wanted to travel, your partner would know. If you wanted to go out a lot, your partner would know. Just like your partner would know what you wanted in bed if you went out for a few years before sleeping together. If she is feeling like he isn’t right for her and is under too much pressure to hold… Read more »
No no no this can’t be right. I heard that sexuality is like a blood type and you have to play the field and sleep around to know what’s best for you? I heard that humans aren’t monogamous and can’t possibly be happy with only one sexual partner? I thought that sleeping around was just being young and everyone does it? Thank you for this. It’s great you have such faith in each other as partners to wait until marriage. I didn’t wait until marriage, but I waited until I knew I was in love and won’t have sex with… Read more »
Do sexual fantasies necessarily come from having multiple sex partners? I know that I was very unsatisfied in my first sexual relationship. My partner and I got along well as friends but we were completely incompatible sexually. I had hoped that we would get married eventually and that our relationship would last. But we simply weren’t compatible and I think it was good that we found that out sooner rather than later. I am concerned about avoiding STIs so I try to be careful and get tested. My past experiences have taught me that having satisfying sex is important for… Read more »
“Going to someone outside of your relationship for emotional support and consoling can lead to feelings of jealously and mistrust or eventually a sexual affair.” Well now, hang on a moment here. I assume you mean going to someone of the opposite gender for emotional support and consoling can lead to feelings of jealousy in a heterosexual marriage? I’m willing to bet you don’t feel jealous if your wife confides in her best girl friend. Which, I think that says more about the perception of an extramarital friendship (with someone of the opposite gender) rather than the reality of an… Read more »
This is refreshing! I often worry that I’ll have to compete with memory of my future husband’s past lovers. That causes great anxiety. I hope to marry a fellow virgin for that reason as well as sexual health issues that he may otherwise bring to the table. So happy for you guys!
I’m being a bit provocative here, and I haven’t actually thought this through at all, but if you’ll indulge me… Why shouldn’t you compete? Why shouldn’t you want to rock your partner’s world? Why shouldn’t you want the two of you to have the most passionate, most fulfilling, most rocking sex ever? Does not having to compete allow you to be complacent? Does marrying a fellow virgin mean you don’t have to worry about being good in bed? What assumptions do you make about marrying a virgin that puts you at ease? Why do you think you don’t have to… Read more »
Why do you place so much importance on minor sexual issues? You think that if your ‘styles don’t click’ it means they can’t work on it? If you love someone who won’t leave because your styles clash. How would you even have a freaking style if you have never had sex before anyway? Before you marry you would know your partner’s sexual preferences and habits, you would know their sex drive. What, do you think they would just avoid the topic altogether until their wedding night? Don’t be so stupid. You don’t leave someone because they ‘aren’t good in bed’.… Read more »
Well….there is a lot to unpack here, but sex is (usually) a big part of marriage. See all the articles here on this site, or on other blogs/magazines about finding ways to keep passion alive etc. You develop a sexual style certainly and that could be with one partner, or it could be with a few, or many. That’s your choice. I can say that with my first partner, it wasn’t as pleasurable as with my current partner, and in fact there were things that didn’t work at all and probably never would have felt right no matter how much… Read more »
Well I’m sorry that your first partner didn’t work out the way you wanted but you obviously didn’t care enough for him if you broke up over sexual issues. I understand sex is a big part of marriage but happily married doesn’t just mean happy in bed. There are couples that stay with each other for years without even having sex and that is because they love and care for each other more than having sex. I never said you have to stay with your first partner and work it out. But I will say that separating with a partner… Read more »
We broke up because we were 20 years old, and I wanted significantly different things out of life than he did, had a habit of being kind of callous to me (cause sometimes 20 years aren’t all that mature), and we lived 60 miles apart. The sex was secondary, but it also wasn’t a connector enough to keep us working. And, Jamie? I am very much aware that sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship. But neither is it the least important thing in the relationship. How does one choose? You are assuming me to be shallow based… Read more »
Didn’t I say that I wasn’t talking about you or your relationships when I said shallow? I didn’t assume you to be shallow. When I was speaking in terms of ‘you’ and ‘your’ I was speaking in general, in what ifs. I wasn’t speaking about you as I explicitly stated. And I especially didn’t say you were shallow because you said couples should have a good sex life, as I, and most people, believe that too. I’m sorry you were offended but you were speaking a bit irrationally there. I never said sex is evil and I don’t know where… Read more »
Your rant proves that being rude and ignorant are no bar to discourse on the topic of human sexuality. People get to choose how they live and if someone freely chooses abstinence before marriage and is prepared to live with the consequences of their choice – good on them. I wish them every happiness. It does seem to me though that such a choice is likely part of a broader religious agenda and therefore not so much freely chosen as dictated by authority. These “it works for me” stories from young married and benighted folk attempt to make a virtue… Read more »
(take 2: this time with better formatting) Before you marry you would know your partner’s sexual preferences and habits, you would know their sex drive. What, do you think they would just avoid the topic altogether until their wedding night? Don’t be so stupid. Says the unmarried non-virgin. Look, I see you feel passionately about this topic, but you’ve admitted you’re young, so your ignorance can be excused somewhat. What I am saying is that two virgins probably don’t even know what they each like. They might not know what their respective libidos are, and they might not know whether… Read more »
It’s like sex is so important that it can’t be important at all, except it’s so important that no one should do it and then not miss it if it doesn’t work. Is there anything else so convoluted in our culture? Probably food. It’s got to taste good but not make us fat, it’s processed within an inch of it’s life, but made to look “natural” we want to strip all the actual nutrients out to make it so we can eat way too much of it (but not have consequences) and it’s everywhere but we are supposed to be… Read more »
When I was saying years, I meant couples who are say old and incapable, or maybe people with injuries or illnesses that are also incapable of sex. I wasn’t talking about couples who just don’t have sex for no reason appear to be happy, because of course I would have no idea what goes on in their personal lives. And with regards to your comment about people not knowing what they would like, why wouldn’t they? Because they haven’t had sex? You were talking before about libido, certain fetishes, sex drive, why wouldn’t they know their own sex drive? Do… Read more »
It’s a difficult one to explain. My stance is, as seen by the couple above, a healthy sex life with each other is not necessary to sustain a good relationship. But that does not mean sexual issues aren’t. Obviously if they trust each other, having sex with someone else would be a violation of that trust would it not? And trust is always important in a relationship. I’m saying if sex was SO important to sustaining a loving relationship then why do cripples, sick people, religious people and people who are waiting until marriage still have very good relationships? And… Read more »
Why do you place so much importance on minor sexual issues?If you really loved your first partner more than anything in the world, then 30 years of unsatisfying sex shouldn’t have mattered that much to you. The first quote from you was in response to a series of questions I asked which I didn’t find to be “minor sexual issues” and you simultaneously minimize them and characterize them as unimportant. The second quote speaks for itself. And I didn’t say sex was unimportant. I said it’s not necessary to the existence of a loving relationship if they choose it not… Read more »
Sigh. Yes, Nick. That’s exactly what I assumed. “Well I’m sorry that your first partner didn’t work out the way you wanted but you obviously didn’t care enough for him if you broke up over sexual issues.” That’s a clear direct statement at me, nor does he know what the issues were, but they were significant but it would be TMI to share here. Jamie, if you are curious I’ll be happy to email you and explain. FYI he’s married and very happy for about as long as I’ve been. So…I think that all worked out, you know? Amen to… Read more »
I also have only had one sexual partner my whole life, who I’m still with, but I’m not married. Choosing someone I really really liked was important to me, but marriage never was. As Celeste pointed out, all people who are sexually active before marriage are not the same. I think it’s important that people make a concious choice when they start having sex, as they should every time, but I really don’t get why waiting for marriage would make a difference to the relationship you end up having. If I, as I hope, stay with my partner for our… Read more »
Livy, I apologize if the article implies that everyone needs to get married. I tried very hard to not come across self-righteous. Thanks for sharing your experience with this subject.
“The idea of meeting someone at a bar or club and having sex with them after only a few hours is completely foreign to us. ”
Well, it’s completely foreign to most of us who were sexually active prior to marriage, too. What you see on tv is often fictional. I won’t discount it happening in real life, but I think alcohol plays a big role.
I also don’t see how it’s possible to compare intimacy from one couple to the next. It’s so subjective, and what you and your wife need may quite different from what another pair needs.
I see this as very common thing among the college age crowd, and alcohol isn’t necessarily to blame–they just want that sexual thrill, or that experience of being able to lose it, or just to unwind. My friend certainly did. After a bad break up, she went actively looking for a one night stand and got it after knowing the guy just for a few hours, so it’s not just something we see on the movies. I know quite a few other people like this too who actively search for one night stands as ways to unwind that don’t involve… Read more »
I completely agree Celeste. I hope that point came across in the article. This has been a positive experience for me and my needs have been met, but it isn’t a mold that I believe everyone has to fit into it.
One of the perks of only having had one sexual partner in my life is that I am completely satisfied with my sex life. I have no other sexual partners to compare with my wife. She meets all of my sexual needs, wants, and fantasies because I don’t know any different. Congratulations, you’ve been incredibly lucky. Your bio says you’re a mental health professional. I don’t know if you’re a therapist or counselor or what, but surely you know marriage counselors? Surely you’ve spoken with sex therapists? None of the research I’ve read, nor any of the sex therapists I’ve… Read more »