I was introduced to heartbreak very early in life. A little peanut, about eight, I was standing at the train station with my mother in Siberia, Russia. We were leaving my father. Everything looked grey. Exactly as you would imagine any train station in Russia in the 90’s.
My mom was done with it. She asked me to write him a note, that we “escaped” while he was away at work. To make things easier I am guessing.
To say I was feeling sad is to say nothing. It felt like walls of water were pouring down my little face as we were standing outside waiting for our train to arrive. I was pretending I was crying because I forgot my goldfish. It wasn’t about the fish at all. I knew exactly what was going on, and this is when I learned to hide my true emotions. Which didn’t serve me well in my own relationships later in life.
Fast forward 20 years, and a year after my own divorce,” the man of my dreams” walked into my life. I’ve never felt connected in this way in my entire life. For the first time, I instinctively, intuitively, and wholeheartedly, felt like I could even have a child with this man. Not too long after, I discovered there was another woman in this picture.
I could have gone down that same slippery slope I’ve been down a few times before: comparing myself to “her,” wondering if there is something wrong with me, and questioning and blaming “men.”
Instead, I remained deeply rooted in my true desires, wishes, and needs. Fully awake was the woman in me who was no tumbleweed, and had no desire to build my life hindered by “desert” mentality. I began to rise, and stand in my beauty.
Did I think of him? Yes, but without scrutinizing myself.
Stepping out of the noise, and the old stories I wasn’t willing to build my life forward based of lack, fear, doubt. So, I stepped into the quiet of who I am to reconnect to my inner light. And as I dug for the courage to let go of my own ideas of what could have been with this man, I found gold: treasures of my soul. For the first time in my life I moved on free from blaming, doubting, and judging.
And here is a lesson I learned: another woman is his business. Commitment issues is his business. Staying true to your heart is your business. And the answers you are looking for aren’t in someone else’s advice, a pep talk or ‘fuck him/ her” attitude. They are not in trying to distract yourself, avoid it, or keep busy with life.
Because it’s not about him or her. It’s about you. Take a moment to look deep within, and ask “What’s really happening for me right now?” And if your mind were a library, what kind of books do you have in there? Do the titles read ‘5 Ways to Fall and Stay in Love’? Or… Do they read ‘Top 10 Reasons Not to Open Up Your Heart’? Still flipping through ‘Never Trust Again Guide’…? Explore this library, and be curious about the stories you’ve been telling yourself.
We both know pain isn’t hiding in the most logical places. Find the courage to see where it’s hiding.
Because you might be thinking that those thoughts are keeping you stuck, but they are driving you. They are driving your choices, the way you see love, and even the way you’ve been feeling. You can either choose to stay in the passenger seat without acknowledging who is driving and where they are taking you or you can find the courage to get behind that steering wheel, and recreate your future. Because your future depends on you, and none of your ex’s.
Don’t ever change to be loved, change to love yourself first.
Photo credit: Getty Images