We were playing chase and guess. Anything could happen any second.
I don’t know if there’s something in life more thrilling than this stage of dating. Then poof! I caught her bringing a guy home at 2 A.M. That’s game over for me. I’ve always thought of myself as a traditional monogamist who isn’t particularly into women that take relationships and sex casually.Also, she isn’t my type. Still, I wake up thinking about her every morning for the past few weeks.
It got me thinking why we have such a hard time letting go of people who aren’t good for us and even gravitating towards them more when they abandon us in some way, either through betrayal, ghosting, or lying. This doesn’t solely apply to low self-esteemed individuals. We all fall into this trap sometimes.
Bad boys and promiscuous women are toxic. We know that. But it’s this very flaw that creates the allure. We can’t seem to hold them down, make them settle, or predict what they’ll do, all of which are both unsettling and exciting at the same time.
Satisfaction is the killer of desire.
The warm lovers are great. They provide a sense of comfort and security we’ve yarned for a long time. But because their affection comes so easily, we start to take it for granted. It’s the people who keep dangling the love we crave that tugs at our hearts. The “wrong people” are a little wild. They go out too late, they don’t pick up our calls, they date multiple people at the same time knowing how much we like them. The harder they’re to tame, the more we fixate on conquering them.
You don’t have to give up easily
Every dating advice will tell you to move on from someone who doesn’t display serious interest in you because that’s a sign of self-respect. But as human beings, the first and maybe the only thing we should listen to is your heart. Even if the outcome of chasing after an emotionally unavailable person is predictably tragic, not giving it a chance could turn out to be even more painful.
Sure, there’s always the so-called perfect guy or girl out there somewhere who won’t play any games and treat you exactly the way you think you deserve. But you forget part of the fun in romance is the chasing of the unattainable. No matter how high you climb in life, you’ll always be looking for a partner who’s even a bit better than you. This challenge and uncertainty are what creates attraction in the first place.
Of course, you could let go of the playboy who stole your heart. But why were you ever so crazy about him? It’s because he shows the potential to be the perfect man, but it required work to get there. The effort to hold him down is addictive. Sometimes you feel like you have him, other times you feel like you’re only a small part of his life. When he returns to kiss you, you feel like a kid who someone just gave candy. His attention is scarce, and you can’t get enough of it.
So no. I think if you’ve developed intense feelings for someone already, it’s not stupid or irrational to dive in deeper to see where it could go. The risk of getting hurt is less torturous than wondering what could have been. It doesn’t mean stalking him and forcing him to give you a definitive answer when he’s clearly telling you “no.” But rather not giving up simply because he hasn’t yet to show you the level of commitment you’re seeking.
You can either deny your feelings by distracting yourself with a clustered schedule and find people to shower you with attention. Or, you can follow your heart. Family and friends will remind you how dumb it is to continue falling into the rabbit hole, but they aren’t you. No one can tell you what a right or wrong decision is. You’re the only person that has to live with the results.
Taking this risk doesn’t mean you aren’t a high-value person with healthy self-esteem or that you’re blinded by dopamine and oxytocin. It only means that you still believe that the ultimate reward is worth it despite the possible problems along the way. And it most likely is.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: DIEGO SANCHEZ on Unsplash