Appreciating Differences in a Biracial and Cross-Cultural Relationship

My wife was born in China, and came to the US to earn her PhD in Electrical Engineering. She told me her classic success story when we met.

Driven by ambition, hard work, and a bit of luck, the career options available to her in America as a data scientist were too good to pass up — if she could assimilate into this country’s culture.

Our paths merged during a time when I was at a crossroads of my own, a year on the wagon of clean and sober living. Having also recently won an internal war, with years of mental illness, meeting someone so different from me was deeply refreshing. I was excited to find out more about her past and country.

I’ll share with you some invaluable lessons I learned. I fell in love and built a life with someone who was completely unlike anyone I had ever known before.

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The choice not to walk away

Early on, there were misunderstandings. She and I had communicated completely the wrong idea about many different subjects. These missteps were difficult to pinpoint, and resolve.

In the fragile early stages of the relationship, I nearly walked away out of frustration, but chose to persevere. I gradually came to accept that such occurrences were inevitable.

To both of our surprise, these became fascinating opportunities to learn about each other’s culture, language, and personality. Peeling back layers of understanding became the MO of a strong and long-lasting relationship.

Laying the groundwork for this happened in the first few months of our relationship. The crucial lesson for me was to stick with her, despite our areas of miscommunication.

We loved each other too much to throw it away. I saw these areas needing to be reconciled as a trivial payment, for the rewards of a fulfilling and lifelong commitment.

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We can both be right or wrong

Our pasts ensured that we were destined to confront our cultural differences on an ongoing basis. The more we discussed, and respectfully argued our differing viewpoints and opinions, it became increasingly clear. We were mostly just reacting to the norms in our country of origin’s culture.

Around the one year mark after meeting is when this became especially pronounced for us. I tend to go against mainstream America, in a variety of shapes and forms. I’m a nonconformist.

Towards a great many of her predominantly Chinese cultural propositions, I was open-minded. After all, they went against some of the conventions I tend to question about my home culture.

However, even for someone who prides himself on being flexible, I was adherent to certain standards of American tradition. In essence, I couldn’t help but to be biased, even when I tried to avoid that.

She noticed the exact same pattern in herself. We would often laugh at the absurdity of clashing heads over our values, to which we were rather subservient. How we disagree can all seem a bit arbitrary to me at times.

So, another monumental learning experienced emerged: culture is bias. Taking two representatives from different countries, and challenging them to figure out a life together, can facilitate a great deal of cross-germination of ideas. My wife and I are two of such individuals to prove that point.

Love was the motivation. We knew we loved each other from early on. Our hearts were where they needed to be. The diplomacy, compromise, and process of mutual understanding that followed were all in the service of love.

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Avoiding automatic reactions

I learned to notice that so much of how I react happens before I even think about it. In order to really understand my wife’s behavior and react to it appropriately, I needed to slow down a bit.

Here’s a simple example. In China and other Asian cultures, loud slurping of noodles and soup is considered polite. Of course it’s the exact opposite here — and we both had to meet half way.

The dietary preferences between our two cultures are also wildly contrastive. What can make me nauseous often makes her mouth water, and vice versa.

Furthermore, American and Chinese people have many opposing ways they like to raise their infants. While both are equally loving, they have different habits, in particular with regards to sleeping and eating routines.

As new parents, we took an unwitting, self-administered crash course on these differences. Our goal is to raise our son bilingual. He will also receive a heavy influence from Chinese culture, despite being raised in The USA.

Time and time again, I’ve found that there is a consistent give-and-take in our relationship, regarding how our backgrounds shape the collective lifestyle experience. Sometimes she mostly gives and I take, other times it’s reversed.

Balance is the ultimate goal for all parties. After knowing each other a couple years, as we moved forward with marriage and child raising, striking this sense of balance became increasingly focal for us.

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When difference is beauty

I genuinely believe that our differences make us beautiful. I’m proud to live in a country with maybe the highest level of diversity overall in the world. That being said, in the USA, we have a long way to go in our overall ability to appreciate and accept those different from us.

Even during our relatively short four years together so far, I’ve witnessed and heard about the ups and downs my wife experiences. As someone of a different race, and an immigrant living in a foreign land, she has made me more aware.

For example, I’m now more sensitive to the frustrations and alienation that result from racism and prejudice, and genuine deficits in the American social system. Yet, seeing her flourish here in a way that wouldn’t be as possible in her native country, makes me proud as well.

The USA is a melting pot, where a variety of cultures try to fulfill their dreams. As we raise our son, I identify him as both Chinese and American. He is a symbol of how my wife and I have formed a union.

Coming together this way is a testament of hope. I think that both countries have plenty to learn from one another, and believe that this is also true for all other countries in the world.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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