Bisexual men, ‘the unicorns of the sexuality spectrum,’ do, in fact, exist. Hugo Schwyzer argues that bi guys are no less capable of fidelity than the rest of us.
“You’re either gay, straight, or lying.”
I first heard that oft-repeated phrase when I was an 18-year-old freshman at UC Berkeley. I was at my first meeting of the GLBA (Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Alliance). I’d recently broken up with a girlfriend, and had been dating (and sleeping with) both men and women; I was ready to “come out” as bi and to get involved in campus activism. But as I quickly found out, though there were equal numbers of gay men and lesbians in the group, the only bisexuals were women. And while many of those women faced a certain amount of “bi-phobia,” at least the GLBA acknowledged their existence.
Bisexual men, I was told, didn’t exist: we were either cowards or liars, too scared or too dishonest to admit we were really gay.
This belief that bi men are the unicorns of the sexuality spectrum remains tenacious. A widely cited 2005 study found no evidence that men could be sexually attracted to both genders. (The study involved showing both gay and straight porn to a group of men who identified as bi. Seventy-five percent of the men in the study were physiologically aroused only by the gay erotica—and the other 25 percent only by the hetero stuff. No one was equally turned on by both.)
One of the corollaries to this dismissiveness of the possibility of male bisexuality is what I call the “sexual one-drop rule.” The original one-drop rule, developed in the Jim Crow era, declared that anyone who had as much as a drop of “Negro blood” was to be considered “colored.” To be white, one had to be free from any African ancestry. The sexual version is similar: It declares that any man who has any sexual attraction to other men is gay. Women can have complex and fluid desires, but men live by a strict dichotomy. You either are or you aren’t, and if you’ve ever wanted to fuck a man (or acted on that want), then you’re gay. End of story.
I ran into the one-drop rule just a month ago. My wife and I were out to dinner with a good friend of ours, a single woman in her 40s. She was sharing her war stories from the cyber-dating world, and mentioned having met a great guy whom she really liked—until he let slip, on the third date, that he had had boyfriends as well as girlfriends in the past. “That ended that,” our friend said. “If he’s been with men, then he’s gay in my book.”
I chose the moment to share my own history of having dated both men and women. Our friend was floored. She kept looking at my wife, her eyes seemingly asking the question her lips wouldn’t speak: “How can you trust him to be faithful?” My wife just smiled her Mona Lisa smile in return.
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I’ve known I was attracted to both men and women since my early teens. Long before I’d been kissed, my sexual fantasies featured both boys and girls. I remember the trepidation and excitement I’d feel changing for PE classes, desperately afraid I’d get an erection and be outed. (It never happened, thank goodness.)
I was equally eager to see naked girls—I just had much less opportunity to do so, at least in real life. At age 14, I found a porn magazine featuring a pictorial of two men and a woman, and I used that as a masturbation aid for months until the pages literally fell apart.
My introduction to sex with men came in a ménage a trois. My first teenage girlfriend, who had her own kinky streak, knew my fantasies and wanted to see me with another man. She set up a threesome with a co-worker from her job at an ice cream store. It was the most erotically memorable experience of my high school years, and is something I still think about on the rare occasions I find myself in a Baskin-Robbins. After that girlfriend and I broke up, I had sex with a series of men (and women) over the next several years.
But before I went to my first GLBA meeting, I’d figured out something about myself. While I was sexually attracted to both men and women, I found the idea of actually falling in love with a man to be preposterous. With men, I wanted hot sex and nothing else. I didn’t even enjoy kissing guys (the stubble burn was a turn-off. I had no idea how women endured that.) But I knew from experience that I could fall in love with women. On a physical level, I was drawn to both; on a romantic plane, I was straight as an arrow.
Researchers on bisexuality have often noted that those who identify as bi often have that same heart/body disconnect that I experienced. In the 1860s, the pioneering sexual rights crusader Karl Heinrich Ulrichs wrote of “conjunctive” and “disjunctive” bisexuals. The former could be sexually and romantically drawn to both genders, while the latter could fall in love with just one sex while still lusting for both. Ulrichs claimed that “disjunctives” came in both varieties (some bisexuals could fall in love with their own sex but not the other; some could fall in love with the opposite sex but not their own. But in order to “qualify” as bisexual, disjunctives needed to have physical desire for both men and women.)
Ulrichs considered both conjunctive and disjunctive bisexuality in both sexes to be a normal variation on the human condition. Though he was scorned and mocked for his enlightened views, the real tragedy may be that he wasn’t just ahead of his time—when it comes to accepting male bisexuality as authentic, he’s ahead of our time.
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In more than a quarter-century of thinking, writing, and eventually teaching about male bisexuality, I’ve become convinced that the inability to accept the reality of bisexuality in men is linked to fears about fidelity. The myth that men are naturally promiscuous while women are naturally monogamous endures. So we assume that a bisexual woman can make a commitment to either a man or a woman, and that she’ll be able to stay faithful. But we already think straight men have a hard enough time remaining true—the expectation that a bisexual man will invariably cheat is high. When our friend shot my wife that look when I revealed my sexual history with men, I’m fairly sure that’s what she was thinking: He’s either lying or cheating.
But though she didn’t ask, she may have been wondering how my wife coped with the visceral reality that I have had sex with men. We live in a culture in which sex between two women is regularly eroticized while sex between two men gets labeled “disgusting.” While the most fervent declarations of revulsion at the thought of guy-on-guy sex are usually from men (especially the ones who feel pressure to prove their heterosexual bona fides), I’ve known plenty of women who liked gay and bi men perfectly well—but were repulsed by the thought of what those men actually do in bed.
In my younger, single years, I found that women had two reactions to the discovery of my bisexuality. (It wasn’t something I often announced on first dates, but I rarely kept it a secret for long.) Some women, like my first girlfriend, found the idea incredibly hot. The stereotype of the man who pressures his girlfriend to have a threesome with another woman is justly famous, but I can attest that the reverse is not as rare as might be imagined. Though only one woman went so far as to arrange a ménage a trois with another guy, there were a couple of others who loved it when I would recount erotic details to them in bed.
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The stereotype of the man who pressures his girlfriend to have a threesome with another woman is justly famous, but I can attest that the reverse is not as rare as might be imagined.
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The second reaction was, of course, disgust. I can recall dating a grad school classmate of mine back in the early ’90s. Liz had impeccable liberal credentials (a Wellesley alumna, she’d experimented with women in her teens), but her progressive politics stopped cold at the thought of dating a man who had had sex with other men. “I’m so sorry, Hugo,” she said when she told me she was calling things off. “I’ve got no problem with gay men. But I can’t be intimate with a man who’s done what you’ve done without getting a giant image in my head of what you’ve done. And forgive me, but it’s just … gross.”
If there are two things you can’t talk people out of, it’s what gets them hot and what turns them off. Once the truth came out, I had no chance with Liz.
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But in the end, the big fear so many people have about bisexuality really does revolve around the capacity to be faithful. I can’t speak for every man who has dealt with a lifetime of sexual attraction to both men and women. But I can speak from my own experience, which is that monogamy is no harder for bisexuals than it is for straight or gay folks. Even if you’re only sexually attracted to females, there’s no way your wife or girlfriend can possibly embody everything that draws you to women.
One of my exes had a beautiful voice, a soprano so breathtaking it brought tears of joy to my eyes. My beloved wife, Eira, has a thousand amazing talents, but can’t carry a tune. I’m no more likely to leave the mother of my daughter for a man than I am to leave her for a member of the L.A. Master Chorale. No partner can be everything to us. Every honest heterosexual in a monogamous relationship admits that his or her partner lacks something that others might have. It’s no different for bisexuals. Really.
Before making a lifetime commitment to someone, almost everyone—gay, straight, or bi—struggles with the realization that if everything works out as they hope, they’ll never have sex with anyone other than their partners for the rest of their lives. Lots of people find that terrifying. But that’s a general fear about the loss of possibility rather than a specific anxiety about not being able to sleep with a particular type. An engaged man might have some misgivings about fidelity, but he’s not thinking “Damn, my fiancée is a brunette. I’ll never fuck a natural blonde again.”
We accept that women’s sexuality is remarkably fluid. That’s a good thing, as that recognition opens up a whole world of possibility. But the flip side is the continued insistence that male sexuality is static, simple, and comes in only two distinct flavors: gay or straight.
That thinking doesn’t just sell bisexual guys short. It reinforces the toxic myth that men can never have inner lives as rich, complex, and surprising as women so evidently do.
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More from Sex Week at the Good Men Project:
About Hugo Schwyzer
This blog has helped me a great deal, as a wife of a bisexual man It’s difficult to hear people say that that Bisexualism does not exist. After 12 very happy years together and two children I know that he loves me, and our healthy sex life shows me he is also physically and sexually attracted to me. He is however sexually attracted to men. It was difficult for me to accept initially but his bisexuality is another part of his personality and something else that makes me love him. I was disappointed in my reaction as I myself have had moments with girls and women during my teenage years, but I think it was the shock and the fear of loosing him!. In 12years we have had one indiscretion in that he had an encounter with another man – and like any person after an extra marital affair I was crushed – but we worked things out and have moved on – like any couple. Its dangerous for people to use bisexuality as a get out of jail free card, a free pass to screw around. If your not happy in any relationship then you need to look at what you can do to be happy, don’t use your sexuality as an excuse – its unfair on the majority of bisexuals who live happy lives with partners however long that relationship will last. Yes some bi men and women can’t be happy with one person but the same can be said for gay and straight people! I am proud of my husband and I love all of his traits, we now talk openly about his feelings – and my own and look forward to the future together
This blog has helped me a great deal, as a wife of a bisexual man It’s difficult to hear people say that that Bisexualism does not exist. After 12 very happy years together and two children I know that he loves me, and our healthy sex life shows me he is also physically and sexually attracted to me. He is however sexually attracted to men. It was difficult for me to accept initially but his bisexuality is another part of his personality and something else that makes me love him. I was disappointed in my reaction as I myself have had moments with girls and women during my teenage years aand have always considered myself openminded and non judge mental, but I think it was the shock and the fear of loosing him!. In 12years we have had one indiscretion in that he had an encounter with another man – and like any person after an extra marital affair I was crushed – but we worked things out and have moved on – like any couple. Its dangerous for people to use bisexuality as a get out of jail free card, a free pass to screw around. If your not happy in any relationship then you need to look at what you can do to be happy, don’t use your sexuality as an excuse – its unfair on the majority of bisexuals who live happy lives with partners however long that relationship will last. Yes some bi men and women can’t be happy with one person but the same can be said for gay and straight people! I am proud of my husband and I love all of his traits, we now talk openly about his feelings – and my own and look forward to the future together
This hit home on so many levels… Intellectually, I know that I’m not alone, yet it’s fantastic to read someone’s views that so closely match my own. Thank you, Hugo!
Great article, Hugo! Thanks for discussing this topic! It’s also worth noting that the the one drop rule is often used on bi women, just the other way around. If she says she’s bi or has had a relationship or experience with a man, she’s really just straight and lying.
love this article, when you hear so much that bi sexuality is a myth you start to believe it. nothing drives me crazier than this thing. why do people just not want to believe it exists? Someone is straight or gay so they figure everyone else has to be. amazing such a huge part of the population has such trouble with anyone who is different than themselves. I hate how it is assumed that we just havn’t figured it out yet, we’re in some sort of denial. don’t act like I don’t know myself, nothing worse than that..
I am the girlfriend of a bisexual man and i’m the only girl he’s ever slept with. Weirdly enough he said the identical thing about the difference between love and sex.. when i met him he had been in a gay relationship for 3.5 years, but hadn’t kissed anyone for over a year. People make comments at me sometimes, that it’s weird that he still wanks over boys and other things like that.. but if i’m honest, him having slept with men means that he’s more understanding about a lot of things.. i.e the true horror of having a cock shoved down your throat… he’s not stereotypically gay-acting (if there is such a thing) he doesn’t like sport THANK GOD but apart from that he’s just like any other straight guy. but better. because he’s gorgeous and clever and mine!
I am glad things are changing culturally on this subject. A therapist once told my bisexual girlfriend who I was only briefly involved with that “if he is bisexual he is gay and in the closet and you should not be involved with him.” I had mostly hetero relationships. It hurt tremendously deeply. I told her it wasn’t true and the therapist laughed and said ” there is no such thing as a bisexual man.” The therapist was gay. I too only fall in love with women. I felt found loving friendships with my male partners, but it was never the same. Oddly the “gay and in denial” thing is the whole culture has been in denial of bisexual men and bisexual feelings in men in general. Biphobia is a form of homophobia that both the straight and gay culture colude with. For straight is a way to “keep the gay away” for gay – I don’t know it seems perhaps it sows seeds of doubt in the minds of many gay men. But really it is NO threat at all.
Good article but the premise is flawed in one way. It assumes that to be the preverbal “good person” you have to be “faithful”.
Some Context;
“Being Faithful” in traditional terms is more of a social religious doctrine and not really suited for a modern society among intelligent homo-sapiens. This is mainly because religion and intelligence can’t go hand in hand. Yes, there are “smart” religious people out there but I have yet to meet an intelligent man or woman of a religious nature. This is because people of “faith” have a fatal flaw in their ability to think and reason for them selves, they place their values and morals in the church, bible and god which are all logically and fundamentally flawed at their core.
A quick example: Morals
Ask anyone who believe in god if the believe in god and if so is gods word absolute? As soon as they answer yes they become morally bankrupt because the next question is what do you do when god orders you to kill your child or loved one?
So back to the premise of this response, “traditional faithfulness” has nothing to do with being a “good” or “moral” person because my girlfriend loves me being bisexual and we find other bisexual men to join us in our love making. I am not faithful and neither is she but we are both honest and moral people, way more moral than any religious person could ever hope to be.
Why would anyone truly want to have sex with one person, I’ve done it in my first marriage and I lost 15 years of my life which I can never get back because there is no other life than the one you are living now. That being said the only logical conclusion is hedonism or the pursuit of hedonism.
There are basic shades of bisexuality, bisexuals that will lean more towards one gender or another and those that are straight down the middle. I could NEVER have a “relationship” with a man, I love woman but I have a strong drive to have sex with both men and woman and the key is honesty. You tell your lady upfront and honest about everything, not on the first date but at least early on in the relationship so nobody invests too much time in to a relationship before making an important decisions. Basically you have to sell it, own it and be honest about it.
Maybe for you that’s the case, but if you say that’s the case for everyone you come off judgemental and pushy.
If neither side of a relationship wants fidelity from their other half, then that’s their right. but when one side of a relationship wants monogamy and the other side wants to sleep around, THAT’s where the problem is.
As someone who is bisexual and has lived both monogamously and polyamorously, I would argue that one is “unfaithful” when they willingly violate the terms and agreements of their relationship/s, whether those terms dictate monogamy or otherwise.
forgot to mention above
The Grey’s of Bisexuality for both men and woman
There are men who prefer women and have sex with men
There are men who prefer men and have sex with women
There are men who prefer both men or women equally and these are generally the one’s that will have relationships. This is not always true, I’ve known or heard about every combination
High-five for this article, Hugo.
For what it’s worth, I know a bisexual man who has only ever had sex with his wife.
I think that we are all just sexual. Not hetero not homo not bi, just sexual. You love who you love, you are attracted to who you’re attracted to whether male or female. Monogamy or fidelity is a different issue. I think, no, I know that there are men and I’m sure women, that are happily married for years, and one day they come across someone of the same gender that ignites something in them and they find themselves feeling that they must be with that person no matter what. Even though they have never had a same sex attraction in their lives. If that’s what you’re mind and body want, who needs to label that? You just want to be sexual, not homo hetero or bi. Just my opinion
My man keeps cheating one with men denies it promises he loves me and will not happen again we have been together 6 yrs and a baby girl later. He says his been with but it was just a phase yet I still find things on his phone talking flirtatious with men when I confront him he says he doesn’t want to sleep with men he just likes attention from both sexes and he doesn’t want anyone but me his excuse is I don’t show him
Enough attention what should I do so fed up