Having recently broken her own silence about rape and abuse, Dixie Gillaspie has something to say to George Will.
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What shall I say to George Will, or to the Washington Post?
I have been too angry to say anything. Until I began to read all the open letters, blog posts, and petitions for his immediate and disgraceful dismissal.
Then I realized that what I want to say is, “Thank you.”
You have, by trying to rationalize away the problem, given the world an opening to heal the wounds.
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Thank you for inspiring the telling of stories previously too painful to tell.
Thank you for prompting the outrage that should have been felt generations ago.
Thank you for posting something so pathetically short-sighted, so obviously agenda-driven, and so heartlessly dismissive, that people who have felt too vulnerable and alone to speak out, or too secure and complacent to speak up, found themselves unable to be silent.
You have, by trying to rationalize away the problem, given the world an opening to heal the wounds. Because as I wrote in Because You Have a Song – What Maya Angelou Taught Us About Choice, breaking the silence is where healing begins.
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The Washington Post article, and the outcry that followed it, came tight on the heels of my breaking my silence, it was published the same weekend that the St. Louis Post Dispatch carried a story about my early experience with rape.
(Just last night, the St. Louis Post Dispatch apologized for printing Mr. Will’s “offensive” rape column and announced their decision to no longer carry Mr. Will’s column in syndication.)
The timing almost seemed like a personal affront. Instead, it was a lightning rod, gathering energy from other people who were finally ready to share their stories, and their hearts. I was reminded once again that I am not alone. I’m not in the minority. I’m not even unusual. Neither do I consider myself a victim. With, or without, Mr. Will’s so-called privileges.
But the greatest thanks I have to offer is for this phrase, from Mr. Will’s first paragraph:
“‘Micro-aggressions,’ often not discernible to the untutored eye, are everywhere …”
Yes, that is exactly where rape culture begins, in micro-aggressions that we (most of us) take for granted as “just the way things are.”
… talking about rape in the context of sex, is like trying to save a tree from Kudzu vine by lopping off the blooms.
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Because rape isn’t about sex. As Angelina Jolie said in London at the Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict, “It has nothing to do with sex, everything to do with power.” Rape is about power, and the denial of the right to withhold consent.
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You see, talking about rape in the context of sex, is like trying to save a tree from Kudzu vine by lopping off the blooms. (The Kudzu vine is commonly referred to as “the vine that ate the South” because of how quickly it grows and how hard it is to kill.) You have to eradicate the entire root, smother it in plastic, or even burn it off, to give that tree a whisper of a chance.
So where is a rape culture rooted?
In the belief that some people do not have the right to withhold consent. Not just the consent to sexual penetration. Nor just the consent to physical touch. But the right to withhold consent to give of your attention, your time, your services, your space, your very life.
The root of rape is a lack of respect. A lack of respect for others. And a lack of respect for self.
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A rape culture is rooted in the idea that when I say “No” to a sexual advance it is reasonable to say, “Come on baby, you want it, you know you do” while continuing to force a sexual interaction.
It’s also rooted in the idea that when I say “No” to someone who wants to belittle someone else in my space or on my time, or to someone who wants me to do business in a way that is not comfortable for me, or someone who insists on referring to me by a nickname I find demeaning, that it is reasonable to say “There is nothing wrong with what I’m doing so I’m going to do it anyway.”
The root of rape is a lack of respect. A lack of respect for others. And a lack of respect for self. Because a person who truly respects themselves does not need to coerce, guilt, manipulate, force, or otherwise victimize, another person in order to have what they desire in life.
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America’s rape culture might seem minor when compared to cultural norms in much of the world.
The summit in London was addressing the use of “rape and pillage” as a way to strike fear into an enemy and claim the “spoils of war.”
Two young girls were hanged from a tree after being gang raped in India, and petitions have circulated to put an end to the stance that rape “is a social crime … sometimes it’s right, sometimes it’s wrong.”
But what we call a “rape culture” is really a single idea that manifests on a continuum that ranges from insultingly inconsiderate to unquestionably criminal.
The idea that “No does not always mean no.”
If I say “No” – not repeatedly, but even once, I don’t care if you think you’re not doing anything wrong. I don’t care if you think I should be flattered by your advances. I don’t care if you think I’m being unreasonable.
“No,” in any language and for any reason, from any person, means STOP!
Mr. Will clearly believes that the right to withhold consent doesn’t apply in a “hook up culture.” His beliefs are reflected in a recent photo collection with captions added by the “curators.”
The first photo shows two young girls doing a version of the splits, the crotch area has a red oval superimposed over it, and the caption reads, “You’re easy prey when your legs are up in the air!”
That’s right, “prey.”
Another is of a girl passed out in the bushes. The caption reads, “Give a college girl a few drinks and it’s show time.”
Yup, “show time.”
And that link showed up all over Facebook and twitter, posted with comments that ranged from “Sad, but true” to “GET IT ON!” (I have fewer Facebook friends this week than I did last.)
Micro-aggressions. Betraying a belief that says if a woman puts herself in a compromising position she’s fair game.
It’s not just “girls” either – in this open letter to Mr. Will, an OB/GYN bravely recounts her own rape experience, as well as a more recent incident of being called names when she did not appreciate being groped by a stranger on the dance floor. As she says,
“Whether it is a cat call or a grope these actions … have little to do with sex and everything to do with aggression.”
I suppose Mr. Will would dismiss her as a “progressive” who thinks we should be “swaddled” in a “safe, supportive, unthreatening environment.”
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You might think that all the news and commentary about rape would have me reliving my own experiences with sexual assault and domestic abuse. But the memories that are crowding into my conscious mind now are of the times I said “no” about little things, only to be mocked as “over-sensitive” or “unreasonable.”
Like people who mock my intolerance of hate in my home or my social media spaces.
Like the business associate who persisted in introducing me as his “business wife” after I asked him not to, because he “meant it as a compliment.”
Like the friend who insisted that because he thought his request was reasonable, I should grant it, even if it made me uncomfortable, and who resorted to name calling when I persisted in saying “no.”
It’s these micro-aggressions that are pricking at me now. Not just because they happened, but because they were “no big deal.” In each case the other person felt fully justified, and I felt like an idiot. I experienced them as violations, but even I thought I was just responding to what Mr. Will would call a “trigger.” I now recognize these incidents as the “insultingly inconsiderate” end of the “rape culture” continuum.
Not rape, but a micro-aggression that is rooted in the same belief as rape: Some people don’t have the right to withhold consent.
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But we do. Every one of us. We have the right to say “No” to any aggression, macro, micro, or minute. We have the right to say “No” to any proposal, any suggestion, any overture, and any proposition.
I believe that the desperate need for power, and the lack of respect of others and self, that leads to the denial of the basic right to withhold consent, is the greatest human rights violation of all time.
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And we have the right to expect that our “no” will be respected and accepted, with, or without, justification beyond, “because I said so.”
In another open letter to Mr. Will, the co-founder and past Director of Unite Against Rape, wrote
“Rape is indeed ubiquitous, possibly the most ubiquitous human rights violation worldwide today.”
I believe the scope is broader, and the roots are deeper even than that. I believe that the desperate need for power, and the lack of respect of others and self, that leads to the denial of the basic right to withhold consent, is the greatest human rights violation of all time.
That is exactly what Mr. Will has communicated; a denial of the basic right to withhold consent.
The root of this Kudzu vine, which threatens not to “eat the South” but to destroy us all.
I am thankful that he did. Because in doing so he has stirred up an army of people who are determined to get to the roots, to dig them up and burn them out.
“‘Micro-aggressions,’ often not discernible to the untutored eye, are everywhere …”
But as more of us with the “coveted status,” not of victim, but of victor, tell our stories, fewer and fewer eyes are “untutored” and aggressions are less and less tolerated.
We may still live in a “rape culture,” but thanks to those who are telling their stories, whether it’s after years, days, or minutes, we don’t live in a silent rape culture any more.
Also by Dixie Gillaspie: Did the St. Louis Post Dispatch Really Have the Right to Dump George Will?
Title Photo: Flickr/Scott Ableman
Additional Photo: Flickr/NatalieMaynor
This article is so dishonest. Is your problem really with Mr Wills use of language in the article. Or is it the broad message that he has called out the feminist industry on their bullshit rape hysteria called ‘Rape Culture’? Is it that he proved the often mentioned but never validated stats that feminist spurt out with tiresome repitiion and predictability? Or is it that he has called out the feminist victim game – where rape is used as not just a sheild but a weapon in their gendered ideological war? Or is it cause he pointed out the ever… Read more »
Dixie, I admire the way you carefully hold your considerate truth within a structure of words, which protect the reader from shock without undermining the utter hopelessness of a child at the time. Being a victim is one of my greatest fears, and although I have tried to deal with some of the events in my life where I was most in danger of victimhood, it has always been in such a pragmatic, matter-of-fact manner that I wonder if my emotions were themselves dissociated from my consciousness. I also wonder whether words are necessarily inadequate to express the social taboos… Read more »
I was never raped, but when I was younger, I was in situations with guys I was dating (seemingly normal nice guys that I honestly liked) that when we were getting a bit more romantic, and they pushed for more, and I drew boundaries and said how far I was willing to go, they still tried to “convince” me to give more then I wanted. They would still ask me to take off a piece of clothing and even start to remove it before I gave an answer. I had to repeatedly say ‘no that I didn’t want to go… Read more »
“a collective mentality”… That’s lumping all men together… that’s what is wrong with this concept of “Rape Culture”. Is this a form of ‘Gaslighting’ where as men we’re all lead to believe we are in the wrong, should feel guilty about it and make amends?
Actually Graham, “collective mentality” was meant to be enclusive to both men and women. Sadly, I think women buy into the same colletive mentality. I also had a “collective mentality” about what my role should be as a woman and I believed that it was my job to be the one that had to draw the boundaries. I believed that men just had these big great needs and couldn’t control themselves. So when I told a man for the 10th time I was not ready to go that far and he kept pushing, that this was natural. I didn’t walk… Read more »
Graham, I honestly do not see anyone here singling out men. The prevalent mindset in any society is formed and upheld (consciously or not) by all the people in it. There IS a prevalent mindset in this society that a man who continues to push, cajole, guilt, tease or even physically force a woman who says no (unless she’s screaming, causing a scene or calling the cops) is “just being a bad boy” but not really doing anything wrong. That’s the world we’re trying to change. To suggest that we’re making it up, or exaggerating it, is indeed a form… Read more »
Dixie, you have to understand what my experience is as a man, as I try to understand yours as a woman. I feel that men are being singled out. You say, “To suggest that we’re making it up, or exaggerating it, is indeed a form of gas lighting.” I have not even suggested that or hinted at it. I know your experiences are real and that Erin’s experiences are real, but you cannot judge a society or a culture based on personal experiences. I totally support you in your criticism of George Will but I am asking for perspective in… Read more »
Graham, if you read my article you know that I don’t even see this as a sexual issue. So it isn’t a gender issue. This isn’t about our different life experiences, this is your insistence that a “rape culture” is only about sexual rape when I think I was very clear in my writing that I’m looking at a problem that is rooted far deeper than any sexual norm. I’m sorry you don’t see the mindset that I do, because it is everywhere in our culture. That isn’t my experience directly with people, it’s my observation in hundreds of business… Read more »
Dixie, I don’t see it as a sexual issue either, that is not what I am talking about. You see the mindset ‘everywhere’ in ‘our culture’—really! I, again, say I don’t. I see many people who don’t respect others, who dominate others, who are violent to others, who rape others, who kill others—but I don’t see it ‘everywhere’! I am sad you see me as isolating myself in my own world. I am doing the exact opposite, i am refusing to project my experience on the rest of the world. ‘That world’ is not distinct from our worlds. We live… Read more »
After all, surely this site is about Good Men, it’s about a conversation of what makes a good man, not what makes a bad man…
“I prefer to see the richness of the world and to accept that there is good and bad.”
When you choose to see richness in the world and accept that there is good and bad, what’s the next step after that? Or is there no next step? We should just accept the good with the bad and only choose to focus on the good and ignore the bad?
I think for anyone to change, men or women, you have to talk about the good *AND* the bad.
But Erin I think in that “collective mentality” there is also a belief that says a guy is a fool if he stops trying. This culture isn’t just difficult for us females, guys get a lot of expectations drilled into them that aren’t really who they are either. I think that the old stereotype of the “good” girl protesting while the “madly in love” guy persists, and how that supposedly is a compliment to the girl because the guy finds her so irresistible, but if she gives in too soon then she’s “easy” and not of value anymore… that sucks… Read more »
” The idea that “No does not always mean no.”” I saw a friend on cam and usually there’s no issue, but one day when I asked to see something she said nooo, WHILST getting up and doing it with zero coercion from me. I didn’t see any indication that she fullstop want to do it since she had control of herself, her camera and knows full well she doesn’t have to do anything with me. She was insecure about a part of her body but went through with it, and became more confident afterwards as she knew I liked… Read more »
Apparently there is something called “token resistance” when a woman says no but doesn’t mean no. It’s done due to social stigma, inhibition and other reasons. Eg, saying yes too early may be seen as “slutty”. If this is common then you could have quite a few men who mistake a real no, for “token resistance” and so they push on as is expected. I think that would add quite a bit to rape culture with the confusion. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3379584 “We investigated whether women ever engage in token resistance to sex–saying no but meaning yes–and, if they do, what their reasons… Read more »
Archy, that “token resistance” is part of rape culture too. Women who have been taught that being “forced” to do something they want to do absolves them of the responsibility of having done it. And that is a part of what Mr. Will is (rightly so even if he did present it poorly) concerned about. So yes, women need to be willing to take responsibility for what they want and not put it on you guys to “make them” do it. But deeper than that, it’s not so much “no means no” as what I said “no means STOP.” If… Read more »
No problems, I never ever want her to feel uncomfy. I’ve actually helped educate her about rape, and abuse in all forms too. Thanks for the article and comments.
Thank you for adding to the conversation.
I find the concept of ‘Rape Culture’ offensive. To me it is offensive because it lumps men together as being offenders, something that is simply not true. Individual men are offenders but not men in general. Having said that I hear what you are saying, Dixie, and I feel the pain of all the insults, and worse, you have endured. Your article has clarified why I get so upset about being branded by the term ‘Rape Culture’, that’s because I don’t live in one. Maybe life is so very different in the US, maybe there is just no respect in… Read more »
Having read the article again I cannot find where she is lumping all men together. From reading many of her articles it is clear that she does not demonize all men. That isn’t the point. A culture is simply a critical mass of mind memes and mannerisms that seeks to perpetuate itself. Everyone is NOT anytbing in particular. and having a rape culture does not mean that we do not have other cultures as well. A rape culture can coexist with a respect culture in the same geographic location but typically not from the same participants.But our rape culture in… Read more »
Philip makes very good points and I would add that Graham seems to be suggesting that only men make up culture, though I assume that was unintentional. I’m going to ignore the implications that has. Think about why one would assume talking about a culture means you’re talking about all and exclusively men.
Many women are also a part of what makes up rape culture and that’s not hard to see if you read up on what rape culture actually is.
OK, Phillip, I see what you are saying, I suspect it’s just me projecting! I am confused by a statement such as “We may still live in a “rape culture,”…”. It suggests to me that it is everywhere, that can suggest that it applies to all men. I accept that that is not what Dixie is saying, it’s more about confusion about what it really means.
In the circumstances I have no right to be sensitive about this, I have not experienced the hurt and pain. It’s easy for me, I see that.
I wasn’t offended Graham, what you have or haven’t been through is not material to your having a valid point of view. The thing is that “culture” is determined by society as a whole, not a segment of it based on geography or gender. By and large (large being the operative term) our society norms still support rape. While there are MANY wonderful men and women who are mindful of implications and connotations surrounding right of consent, sexual or otherwise, the keystones of what reflects the mindset of the larger society (think popular literature and entertainment, commercials, memes, stereotypes, etc…)… Read more »
If we lived in a rape culture rape wouldn’t be a crime, If we lived in a rape culture, being a rapist wouldn’t be shameful If we lived in a rape culture then being falsely accused of rape wouldn’t ruin your life. If we lived in a rape culture then being accused of rape wouldn’t leave you at risk from vigilantes. If we lived in a rape culture we wouldn’t have movies about the white knight who saves the damsel from the sexual predator. If we lived in a rape culture rape wouldn’t be considered a serious and violent crime.… Read more »
Thank you Philip for that differentiation which is brilliant. That the primary culture can, and usually does, contain many subcultures is highly relevant. I try not to PARTICIPATE in the rape culture, and I have surrounded myself with a culture that is very different from the norm, but I still live in a rape culture. Mr. Will’s article is only one example of this larger culture that surrounds us. And no, that isn’t me singling out men, as Ashley points out, women must play a role in breaking out of the accepted norms as well in order for that culture… Read more »
“Because a person who truly respects himself/herself does not need to coerce, guilt, manipulate, force, or otherwise victimize someone else in order to have what he/she desires in life….”
Wow- that is it…that is the crux of it all… thank you for writing this….I never understood my abusive ex….but that is the mystery of it all solved right there…..
Thank you for reminding me why I write. More than that, why I dig for truth to share. Because it is in shared experience and insight that we heal and expand the possibilities of our life. This realization helped me to have compassion for those who have offered me the small insulting inconsiderations as well as those who have been criminally abusive. It also helps me to know I don’t have accept either. I hope it will offer you something similar.