You often joke, how easy everything will be if only I was a guy. I’d make an excellent boyfriend, you said.
I thought the same of you too. You are the kindest person I know. You never fail to do the right thing. You spoil me in ways that far exceeds what men I’ve dated have been capable of providing.
I wouldn’t have changed a thing about you. Even when you are away, and we haven’t spoken in months, just the thought of you makes me happy. Whenever I feel hopeless, like there’s nothing to look forward to, I think of seeing you again, and then I have something to look forward to.
I often feel lost, not knowing what to work towards in life. I struggled to find meaning in the things I do. I could not find meaning in things as simple as eating, making money, and living. But then I think of you and I living together, cooking in the morning, and adopting kids and dogs (I was never a pet person but would love to have one with you).
If you’ll let me, I want to get us a house where you have a painting studio, your favourite flowers in the garden, a car of your choosing, and we’ll sew clothes and write essays together on the weekends. I will work hard and save up, so we’ll have enough to invest in creative projects. I want to see your screenplays and films come into reality.
Suddenly, I have something to work towards. I struggled to find meaning in doing life “normally” because I didn’t want to get married, have kids, or chase the American Dream. I struggled feeling like I had to slave for a corporation for money that I didn’t want to use personally — I didn’t want a family or fancy things. But then I think of you and your screenplay and aspirations to theatre, and I think: I want to support that.
I suddenly wanted to work a boring job so that you could chase your dreams — and I’ll live vicariously through that. I want to work to see you happy. You’ve taught me love and kindness. You are the only person who understands and listens to me. I feel loved and appreciated, even when during your depressive episodes, you shut yourself off for months.
I never could express the true extent of my feelings because I was worried you’d get freaked out. But I don’t expect you to return my feelings the same way, and that’s okay.
I just wanted to let it out; to stop dog-paddling in the water, keeping my head up because I am scared water will get into my eyes. It’s tiring, and it’s much easier to embrace your feelings, and let your head sink into the water. This is a selfish act, I think, writing this, publishing this.
You tell me you push people who love you away. When I told you that I felt sad that you responded to my messages only when I talked about business, you said that you felt that you weren’t deserving of love. But I think it’s not a matter of deserving or not deserving. I think it’s just that whether it is the case or not — that someone loves you.
And I do, I will reassure you time and time again. Thinking of you makes me stop caring whether what I’m doing is valuable or right, and all this overthinking, self-doubting crap. You know that bliss you feel when you are creatively inspired, and you create art in the spur of the moment, not caring if the result is good or bad? This is one of them, and you make me feel this way all the time.
Around you, I stop caring whether I am enough for the world. All the insecurities I have, whether I am clever, worthy, or good enough as a person, for some reason, look like very foreign delusions. When I’m around you, I wonder why I thought those things in the first place; why I cared at all. Around you, I am glad just to exist.
Nobody else has ever made me feel this way. You see and appreciate people as they are. You always see the good in people, and you inspire me to do the same, even on days when it is almost impossible to do so. So, I wish you’d stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve someone who makes you feel the way you make others feel.
I want to be that person for you, but I also understand if I may fall short. I know you will marry someone, but I still want to be by your side and support you when you allow me to. Like Jerome to Vincent in Gattaca, I will lend you my body, so you can lend me your dream.
I just want you to know that I love you. Because you always support me, even when you are not there with me.
I think platonic friendships are called “platonic” for a reason. The Platonic ideal embodies Forms that are eternal, absolute, and perfect.
I’d put that higher above romance.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Masha S on Unsplash