Choosing to be “child-free” is not a selfish or unnatural decision.
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People have asked me whether I want to have children someday or start a family. As a 20-something-year old professional, I have thought about this question on numerous occasions and my answer consistently stays the same: No. I have never wanted to have children, and I doubt I ever will. The reasons for this are plentiful, and come from both my gut instinct and a lot of logic and research. I felt this way when I was 18, and I still feel the same way at 28. I have never felt otherwise.
Being “child-free” is a conscious decision to not have children, regardless of whether the individual can or cannot have a child of their own. A “childless” adult is someone who wants to have children, but cannot due to social or biological reasons.
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I am a “child-free” adult. Please understand that I am discussing my reasons for being a “child-free” adult and not a “childless” adult. This distinction is important. Being “child-free” is a conscious decision to not have children, regardless of whether the individual can or cannot have a child of their own. A “childless” adult is someone who wants to have children, but cannot due to social or biological reasons. The intent of this article is not to persuade individuals who want to have children to become “child-free”, but merely to inform readers that being “child-free” is a conscientious, responsible and highly personal decision that should not be the subject of taboo or criticism. To support the discussion of a “child-free” lifestyle and why it should not be taboo, here are my reasons for being “child-free.” Note these are reasons, not justifications, as there is no need to justify my choice to anyone, but there is benefit in explaining it.
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I like being around children, but having a child is not for me.
I was a camp counselor in High School; I watched fifteen eight-year-old boys. All of the kid, and their parents, loved me.
I enjoy being around children. But, having a child is very different than seeing a child for several hours each week over a summer. It is a huge, life-changing responsibility.
When people think of a “child-free” adult, they think of an adult who shirks responsibility and is unwilling to grow up. Do not believe the stereotype of the “child free male”: I am a responsible, mature, hardworking person. I put myself through law school. I work at a respectable law firm where I am not only responsible for the firm’s staff and its client base, but also for winning our cases and bringing new revenue into the firm. I am prudent with money, and I make intelligent decisions in my life. I know I would make a good father if I ever had children. But at the end of the day I have no desire or interest in having children of my own.
Having children is a highly personal decision, and a person should be fully committed to the obligations of that decision before moving forward.
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Plenty of people have children for the wrong reasons. Some families experience “unintended” pregnancies, where the family is not ready to have children, but raise the child nevertheless. Some are pressured by family, friends, co-workers, and society to procreate, even if they feel indifferent about having children or really do not want to have children. But having children for the wrong reasons can come at a steep price. Toxic stress can affect children well into their adult lives and it increases a child’s propensity for developing life long mental illness. Having children is a highly personal decision, and a person should be fully committed to the obligations of that decision before moving forward.
I don’t see myself having children in the future, meaning, this isn’t temporary.
I represent doctors in the no-fault world. Several months ago, I was speaking with one of the adversary attorneys about the topic of “the child-free adult.” This attorney is in her mid-fifties and never had children of her own. She never chose to adopt, either. Before our hearing began, I casually told her that I never wanted to have children. She understood, but then started with the line I have heard many times: “Well counselor, you are young, you still have time and maybe you will change your mind.” When I told this attorney I do not see children when I look ahead into the future, she said “you see, that tells me that you probably will not have children because I thought the same way you did when I was in my twenties.”
My free time is mine alone. Time to plan. Time to think. Time to love. Time to create …. Time to live.
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Many people are content with their decision not to have children. I feel the same way. I like my life, and I am perfectly happy without children in it. I go to work, and I prep my cases for the following day. I read, engage in extracurricular activities, and have a wide social circle. On the weekends, I am able to plan my own day and, above all, relax from a hectic work week. I do not need to worry about where my children are at all hours of the night or day. I do not need to plan family activities, attend soccer practices, or swim meets. My free time is mine alone. Time to plan. Time to think. Time to love. Time to create …. Time to live.
My life is tranquil, relaxing and uncomplicated. I like that. And I don’t want that to change. Developing my career and maintaining an active social life makes me incredibly happy. My future involves traveling, exploring new places and new regions of the world. It involves mentoring youth. It involves philanthropy and helping the next generation of Americans. I have a lot of things I still want to do in my life; it just does not involve having and raising a child. I simply do not see it in my future.
Children are expensive.
I grew up and currently reside in the New York City metropolitan area. Raising a child here is expensive. Conservatively, and according to babycenter.com, it costs over $280,000 to raise a child to the age of 18, if you do not plan on paying for their college. This includes over $13,000 in the first year alone. This is the cost of having one child in the northeast region of the United States.
There are many issues facing the millennial generation that prior generations did not experience simultaneously, such as the rising cost of education, the staggering student loan debt and declining wages.
However, this is not to say that instant wealth would change my mind about children. Even when I can comfortably afford to have children, my answer would still be a resounding ‘no.’ Besides using my money for retirement, traveling, and cost of living expenses, there are plenty of children who are alive right now who desperately need food, water, clothing, and a place to sleep. Shockingly, nearly half of the 44 million Americans living in poverty are children. And nearly half who are impoverished in the United States live in deep poverty, which includes ten percent of all children in the United States. The Huffington Post recently published an excellent article about child poverty in the United States. This issue is disturbing and pervasive. There are many problems in our own country, and I simply do not need to have my own child to feel accomplished. The urge to propagate my own genetic material just does not make any sense to me, and I feel absolutely no need to do so.
The world is overpopulated.
We are already feeling the impact of a growing and over-populated planet.
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In 1999, the human population reached six billion people. Less than fifteen years later, that number has exploded to seven billion people. In less than two decades, one billion human beings were added to this small planet. Think about that gargantuan number. And because resources on this planet are finite, there will inevitably come a point when the human population will exceed those resources. In fact, we are already feeling the impact of a growing and over-populated planet. Time Magazine recently published an article detailing how the birthrate in the United States is at a record low. There are several reasons why the female fertility rate is lower now, and why that is not necessarily a bad thing. For those who are concerned that the United States’ population may be shrinking, fear not: the U.S. Census reports that the overall human population nationally and internationally is still growing. But it does not mean that those who choose to be “child-free” adults need to contribute to an ever growing population.
The future remains unwritten.
There are many things in this world that are beyond my control. As one person, I cannot individually reverse the global warming trend or individually create enough jobs and food for all Americans. But what I can do is use the benefits of being a “child-free” adult to benefit society as a whole. I don’t know why I have no desire to “propagate my genes.” Maybe it is due to biology, genetics, social or cultural reasons. Maybe it is nature’s form of birth control in heterosexuals. Or maybe, just maybe, it is because I have another calling in life. The answer may forever remain a mystery. Could the critics be right and someday I change my mind and suddenly desire a family? Sure. People are constantly changing and adapting. But I have never had second thoughts about my decision and, if the past is any indication of the future, I probably never will.
Photo—Josh McGinn/Flickr
Wow, great article, and from a fellow lawyer, no less. I love kids, am surrounded by them, but I knew from an early age that I would never choose to have any of my own. I’m Buddhist so I just tell people who care (for reason I cannot fathom) that I will consider having kids in my next life. It seems to drive my mother insane, but she’ll get over it.
Another reason why I wouldn’t want to have kids is because in the USA, the social, labor, medical,l and educational safety net to have kids have been taken away. Pro-life Americans only care about kids when they are in the mother’s wombs but when they leave the womb, these pro-lifers don’t want to deal with the kids in terms of getting them an education, good paying job, etc.
As a fellow “child-free” adult, I knew at a very young age that I did not want to have children. I thank you for this article on this subject from a man point of view. I just finished my PhD, and I want to enjoy life after my degree. I truly enjoy being an aunt, but that’s all, I don’t need my own. I want to travel, get involved in local politics, and move about the world as I please-you can’t do that with children.
Great article, Mr. Bruskin. I am glad I am not marry nor have kids due to the fact that I got fed up with putting up with my abusive parents and brothers when I was a child. As a single male, I can go and do anything I want without somebody looking over my shoulder and criticizes anything that I do. I enjoy sleeping in, getting involved in my hobbies, etc. I am a little surprise that you manage to have a social life considering the fact that lawyers have to spend so much time preparing their cases and have… Read more »
I would also like to express my gratitude to you, Andrew, for writing about what is still a very touchy subject for many. I opted out of the parenthood track as well. I respect neurologists and rocket scientists, but I’d never want to be one. Similarly, I never felt the calling to be a mom. I never had any doubts, and I’ve never had any regrets either. I couldn’t imagine leading a more happy, fulfilled and productive life. 🙂
I’m also childfree by choice, and everything you write here makes perfect sense to me. You are not alone. I especially appreciate your introductory disclaimer, because a lot of parents assume that if you’re writing about being childfree that you are attacking their decisions to have children, when that is not the case. Or they assume you’re speaking for everyone who’s not a parent, when it’s just an individual viewpoint. When people tell me I’ll change my mind (this happens much less now that I’m almost 50), I ask them if they’re willing to bet on that. I ask them… Read more »
Thank you for posting this article, Andrew. Most of the articles I have read on this subject have been written by women, so it is nice to see a male point of view. As a fellow childfree person, I can relate to a lot of what you say here. What I’ve noticed amongst people who have actively chosen to remain childfree is that many of us simply have never had the burning desire to have children. Oftentimes I feel that either you have the itch or you don’t. It can be frustrating to listen to some of those who disagree… Read more »