Who really benefits from purity balls?
Wilson told me about a woman who once quipped, “When my husband went to a ball with my daughter, it saved our marriage.” He laughed, but believed it was true: “The ball calls the father to a higher place and standard of living.” Brown wrote to me in an email: “There is a saying among fathers of daughters: ‘Daughters are God’s way of punishing fathers for being men.’ The implication of this is that because we have treated women as sexual objects, being more interested in our own desires than in their welfare; now we have to worry about others treating our daughters the same way. If I am guilty of treating other women that way, I need to get my own attitude straightened out before I can be a good influence on my daughter. Our children can spot hypocrisy in us faster than anyone else.”
I don’t believe that most of these fathers take their daughters to purity balls for selfish reasons—I just wonder if the overwhelmingly positive feelings they experience through participating make it harder for them to evaluate whether the event is truly the best way to communicate with their daughters about sex. The purity ball is a quick fix, especially for fathers who, understandably, feel queasy discussing their daughters’ sexuality. The issue is broached, a satisfying and comforting agreement is pledged, and the daughter is gleeful because she’s dancing in a new dress with Daddy.
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But consider the daughter who attends a purity ball before she’s even kissed a boy, and feels comfortable making a public pledge that she cannot yet fully understand. “The ball might seem like fun and games to girls who haven’t had sexual experiences, and I would hate for things to happen in their lives they’re going to feel ashamed of,” said Ann Hanson, Minister for Sexuality Education and Justice at the United Church of Christ. “I think it sets them up for sadness. I really see where their fathers are coming from, but I just think there are different ways to do it.”
Or, even more frightening, consider the girl whose parents or school doesn’t teach her about birth control and STDs, who believes what the covenant tells her: that her father’s protection is enough. There is no one conclusive study on abstinence pledges. Some studies claim virginity pledges do delay intercourse; others claim formal pledges do not have the same impact on teens who are already very involved in congregational life; others claim they don’t matter at all. But one study no one can successfully refute claims that teens who make and then break abstinence pledges are less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control.
Brown, who admitted he “has it easier” when it comes to talking about sex because he’s a doctor, educates his daughters about safe sex, just in case. But what about the masses of fathers who don’t? Faith Matters found that less than one in five religious teens think the scriptures of their faith clearly prohibit oral sex before marriage, and that 55 percent of the teens surveyed think they cannot contract HIV or another sexually transmitted disease from oral sex. And 29 percent of males and 26 percent of females in the 11th and 12th grades say they have had oral sex. Statistics and STD facts aren’t as fun as sparkly ball gowns, but they’re more important—facts like these render vague definitions of purity “as a state of mind” incredibly harmful.
What about the daughter who is sexually assaulted? Faith Matters found that “involvement in a faith-based institution does not protect teens against unwanted sexual experiences … 90 percent of the female teenagers in the national study would [prefer] programs from their faith-based institutions that would help them develop healthy assertiveness and avoid rape, sexual harassment, and sexual abuse.” It’s safe to assume that at least a few of these girls could be Purity Ball attendees. In the event of rape, would they feel like they let their fathers down?
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Fathers should weigh the benefits of purity balls against the costs and think about other ways to talk to their daughters about making the right sexual choices. For example, there are programs like the UCC’s “Our Whole Lives” (OWL), which helps young adults make “informed and responsible decisions about their relationships, health, and behavior in the context of their faith” by providing “not only facts about anatomy and human development, but help [for] participants to clarify their values, build interpersonal skills, and understand the social, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sexuality.”
OWL’s age-appropriate classes include take-home guides for parents which address concerns about discussing sexuality in the context of religion. Greg Johnson, OWL Coordinator and dad to a 16-year-old girl, understands where fathers are coming from: “My natural reaction is that I don’t want to think about my kid doing sexual stuff. But that’s the OWL perspective: give her the tools so she can make the choices, rather than say to her, ‘This is a bad idea, don’t do it.’ I think that creates a stronger position for them to make good choices, rather than me simply mandating it.”
If religion is, as Brown noted, “the crux of the issue,” and you’re not OK with the idea of your daughter considering premarital sex, think about holding other types of father-daughter bonding events that celebrate open discourse but don’t mandate a public pledge that, as analysts like Clapp have determined, “there’s an awful lot of evidence most of them aren’t going to be able to keep.” Ditch the “Purity” moniker, unless you’re prepared to tackle its definition directly.
“I saved myself a lot of heartache, a lot of physical discomfort, and a lot of emotional discomfort because of my dad,” said Jennifer, Paul Dyer’s wife. “I go back to all the five-hour car rides we spent driving to dance recitals together. Yeah, I didn’t ‘make it’ to being a virgin on my wedding night, but I made it to college with my husband-to-be, and I think that’s really great. [My dad] let me know I was loved, and what I was worth.” Jennifer is an abstinence-education director, but by the end of our discussion she had changed her mind about purity balls. “The more we talk about them,” she said, “the more unnecessary I think they are. I just want my kids to know their father loves them.”
It was the road trips, not a purity pledge, that made Jennifer want to abstain from sex until she was ready.
So go ahead and dance with your daughter—but don’t dance with her because she promised to be pure.
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More by Katie Baker:
Grieving in the Facebook Age
A Good Man’s Guide to Catcalling
Crusaders for a New Fast Food
—Photo ChristChurchNC/Flickr
About Katie J.M. Baker
Vocalyze
Let me answer just based on the headline, without reading: NOOOOOooooooooo!
Now let me read it.
…okay, that was actually a pretty great article. I think that abstinence only education, the reinforcing of the whore/madonna complex, the dichotomy between female sexual purity & male sexual conquest, male authority & female subservience, all that stuff, is deeply deeply messed up & wrong. That being said, I think having a good relationship with your daughter is a noble goal, & just because I disagree with your ideology doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to have it– I have my right to oppose it, but whatever. Here is the thing: I don’t buy it. I mean– you can talk about how this is a platform to discuss sex ed with your daughter– which would be noble– but spreading messed up lies about sex & relationships isn’t really communicating…it is indoctrinating.
Bonding with your daughter, thought? Good for you. The rest of it is all messed up, but bond with your daughter. Just make sure you treat her like a person. I just don’t think you can do that in the context of treating her like a sexual object– which is what these balls do, sexually objectify little girls, even if that isn’t in the context we are used to hearing the phrase “sexual objectification” in.
I’m not totally sold on these, but for fathers and daughters who have a healthy relationship, there is something to be said on the father’s part about “don’t let anybody cross your boundaries of intimacy who doesn’t love you as much as I do.”
Why, though? What if your daughter *wants* to become intimate with someone she doesn’t love? What if she fancies a one night stand, or a “friend with benefits”? OK, it’s uncomfortable to think of your little girl having a sexual appetite, later on – but that’s the _parent’s_ problem, not the daughter’s.
I have no discomfort whatsoever at the prospect of my daughter engaging in sex for its own sake. It didn’t hurt me or anyone else.
Why do you need a “Purity Ball” to talk about these issues with your daughters? I have a 15 year old. Since she was 12, her mother and I have spoken with her about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. So far, she hasn’t gotten pregnant or been arrested.
I’m wary of anything, church sponsored or not, that screams “LOOK AT WHAT GOOD PARENTS WE ARE”. I dance with my daughters almost every day, when they let me. I also talk to them about the music they listen to, the boys and girls they hang with, and what constitutes good judgement.
I’m not saying I’m the world’s greatest parent, because I’m far from it, but I don’t see the need to organize a Purity Ball to promote anything.
rawk!
“The reason that a girl decides to wait sexually is because she knows her value. And this is an opportunity for the father to really hit home how valuable she is.”
She knows her value, all right. She knows her father and everyone around her think her value lies between her legs (and in her “beauty”). What a disgusting message for a dad to give a daughter. It’s possible to let girls know they have sexual agency (and sexuality) and can therefore make informed decisions about their own sex lives–which may include being abstinent. This is the opposite of that.
Well said Sarah!
What a pity that dads who want to be men of integrity, and examples to their daughters of the kind of good men they can expect their own husbands or boyfriends to be, are being confused with this silliness. It speaks volumes that this is not an “Integrity Ball”.
It is a pity but we can take comfort in how few people really do confuse men of integrity with this conservative-Christian pap.
My dad and I bonded by going fishing and drinking beer. I think that was a far more fun, and way less creepy, way to build a relationship in my teens.
Why can’t they have these father-daughter dances without the abstinence pledges? Then you have quality time without the creepiness.
this!
Seconded. Who doesn’t like a dinner dance? Dress up, eat something fancy, chat to other people, inevitably dance to the Proclaimers. How is that *not* a good night? And if your dad is an awesome guy who’s great to spend time with, it’s a top night out.
Wow, what incredibly bad wording on Wilson’s pledge. For a father to “cover” his daughter? “Cover” is a term for breeding livestock. Wow.
From what I have read, children who sign abstinence pledges are more likely to suffer unintended pregnancies. They feel too guilty about what they’re doing to think clearly. So they don’t consider the importance of using birth control/protection.
Wilson says that girls are just “waiting to be loved.” Well, quit making them wait. Love your kids; no gowns required.
Do I need a purity ball to talk with my daughter? No. But I did take her to a Father-Daughter Valentine’s Day dance at the Y years ago. Does that make me creepy? Not to me; not to her. It seems like the writer of this piece had an axe to grind before the story was written. Those aspects of the story which support her perspective are emphasized; those which are not fall into the background. She takes a presumed position of superior knowledge and sophistication which, in my view, demeans the motives and actions of both fathers and daughters and treats them as if they were a homogenized “other” rather than unique individuals and pairs that have their own character, needs and relationships. Why not stay with the experiences of the daughters and fathers; go deeper into what this means for them? That to me would be much more interesting and maybe useful to me as a father than the application of an external, predictable, ideological critique.
Nothing wrong with father-daughter dances. They’re lovely. What makes them creepy *is* the purity ball aspect. You know what is great? Finding stuff that both the dad and daughter really like without having any ideological bent. You know – like talking about books, painting, cooking, building neat shit in the back yard, camping? Fun?
If fathers want to connect with their daughters, they should go outside and throw a baseball or kick a soccer ball. Also, placing emphasis on sexual purity only reinforces the idea that a girl is defined by her body, rather than taking the focus off sexuality.
The best thing a man can do for his daughter is to teach his son to respect women. All this talk about keeping girls pure, who is talking to boys about respecting women outside his own family?
I find if offensive that society has crap like Purity Balls for girls but nothing that parents want their boys to go to. I know society today makes it seems cool for guys to be man-whores and yes it’s in their DNA to want sex and conquest blah blah blah but they’re not cave anymore, they’ve evolved and can control themselves. Boys should also be taught the value of sex and all the same stuff girls are taught about it’s being an expression of love and how you should wait until you’re love with someone. I will never encourage my daughter to go to a Purity Ball, I don’t need a ball to show her her value.
I usually would eschew the word “creepy.” But THIS is creepy.