As a society, we must stress the importance of consent beyond sex. People across gender identities should be expected to ask permission in any instance involving physical touch.
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Scenario #1: In the basement of my friend’s house at her Sweet 16 birthday party, the music was blaring and groups of friends caught up with each other, some maintained their roles as the token wallflowers, and everyone else was dancing. A co-worker from my part-time job approached me, one of my many high school crushes, and wanted to dance so I readily obliged. As we danced, my crush was clearly into me and I was having a good time. That all changed when he put his hand underneath my skirt and began to rub my vagina above my underpants.
I was confused about what was happening and immediately uncomfortable…
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As a committed virgin, I never sought to take anything beyond the dance floor. I was confused about what was happening and immediately uncomfortable so I cut the dance short and ran to bemoan the experience with my friends. I went through the usual round of questioning my role in this violation. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn a skirt to a dance? Did my suggestive dancing lead him on? Had I enjoyed his touch? Was this coming to me?
I ended the night and hoped to leave this experience behind me.
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I ended the night and hoped to leave this experience behind me. However, the next day at work I found myself overhearing a conversation between by dance partner and another co-worker. He was bragging about how he gave me a “rub down” and how “I had enjoyed it.” I was mortified, embarrassed, and ashamed and I lashed out on him for having the nerve to suggest that his touch was desired or welcome.
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Scenario #2: Waiting outside of my Chemistry teacher’s classroom before school began for extra help, I politely engaged in chatter with my classmate. We were the only people in the entire hallway and it was at least an hour before school would begin. The conversation became less and less comfortable as my classmate began to profess his unrequited affection for me and proceeded to lean in and kiss me. I instantly felt unsafe without another person in sight, guilty that I may have led him on by simply being nice, taken advantage of with his assumption that I wanted this.
…the assistant principal downplayed the severity of the situation, chalked it up to teenage boys and their hormones…
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Fortunately, my mother worked in the school system and I was able to run and find her. Crying, I recounted the story of what happened and she brought me straight to the assistant principal’s office where I reported the incident. Unfortunately, the assistant principal downplayed the severity of the situation, chalked it up to teenage boys and their hormones, and agreed to speak to my classmate to discourage him from any further advances. I spent the rest of my high school career avoiding this guy, not out of fear but desperately wanting to pretend that that day in the hallway never happened.
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Scenario #3: The summer before my first year of college, I participated in a bridge program for students of color where we spent 6 weeks on campus taking classes, getting jobs, and learning more about the local environment. Although I attended college in a small city, I found myself disoriented during my first few days in town and became lost when trying to navigate my way from the downtown area back up the hill to campus. I was alone and scared and wishing more than anything that I had stayed with my group.
As I wandered aimlessly around town, I feared the worst and doubted I would ever make it back to campus. Suddenly a city bus pulled to the side of the road and I saw one of my fellow program participants standing next to the driver. He told me that he boarded the bus, described me to the bus driver and completed loops of rides around town looking for me. I was relieved and celebrated my arrival back to the safety of campus.
…we generally got along. One area we clearly didn’t have shared perspective on, though, was his entitlement to my body.
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Later that day, I was visiting my rescuer in his campus room and we began talking. He was an older international student and although there were some significant cultural differences, we generally got along. One area we clearly didn’t have shared perspective on, though, was his entitlement to my body. After expressing his attraction to me and recounting how he had rode the bus in a quest to find me, he grabbed my breasts in his hands and tried to feel me up. I pushed him off of me and made my disdain clear. We remained friendly after that night but I kept a distance emotionally and physically. I reasoned that he had made a mistake, that maybe there was some part of his culture I didn’t understand, that it was possible I did owe him this for saving my life.
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All three of these situations occurred by the time I was 18 years old.
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All three of these situations occurred by the time I was 18 years old. Before I had officially enrolled in college, I received implicit and explicit messages about boys’ and mens’ ideas regarding agency of my body. Sadly, though, I had been socialized to question my role in soliciting unwanted attention and touch. I firmly believed that all of these situations were my fault. As I grew older and began to meet women who had been raped, I felt privileged that I had not been a victim of this grotesque crime, sad and pissed off that it felt like a privilege to not get raped, and clueless that the circumstances described above involved the same dynamics of men exerting power through aggressive, non-consensual acts.
It was only in the past year that I realized the gravity of these traumas.
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It was only in the past year that I realized the gravity of these traumas. Even in writing this post, I was actively avoiding labeling these situations as sexual assaults. I was creating a hierarchy of types of assaults and couldn’t justify comparing a forcible kiss to forcible penetration. After looking up the definition, I confirmed my fears and realized that I have been the victim of multiple sexual assaults.
In every instance the men involved exerted power in attempts to claim and affirm their masculinity. The victim-blaming thoughts I had following each one were the types of thoughts I’ve heard from so many other survivors. Feelings of helplessness were reinforced by the lack of support and resources I faced when reaching out to others.
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My hope is that we create a world in which it doesn’t take girls and women more than a decade to come to the awareness I am only now beginning to process and that we shift expectations for men to normalize consent as a default.
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As a society, we must stress the importance of consent beyond sex. People across gender identities should be expected to ask permission in any instance involving physical touch. We also must support individuals in setting their own boundaries and provide safe and effective mechanisms for reporting instances of all types of assaults. My hope is that we create a world in which it doesn’t take girls and women more than a decade to come to the awareness I am only now beginning to process and that we shift expectations for men to normalize consent as a default.
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Image modified from Flickr/GJ Charlet III
This is why MGTOW is needed. To avoid these situations in the first place. They do not feel “entitled” to anything from anyone. They don’t want power or control over anyone but themselves.