Ira Israel opens discussion on the double standards in the dating world.
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I’m sure you don’t suck at dating. You’re probably psychic and only date people with matching values and expectations. Especially about the difficult subjects that often destroy relationships such as sex and money.
Beyond that, I’m sure you see conventions and gender roles as antiquated and absurd artifice. Maybe through your spiritual journey you have learned that — as opposed to the usual craving and aversion that result in suffering — the remedy for most of what ails us is authenticity, authentic communications?
But it’s not easy. And unless both parties agree in advance to drop assumptions, expectations, facades and roles, dating can be a recipe for disaster.
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Let me provide an example that will demonstrate what happens when things go undiscussed. This is not a tale of right and wrong. This is a tale of incongruent expectations and insufficient communications. There is no blame and no judgment. In fact, if there is anyone to blame I take 100% responsibility for not communicating clearly.
I met a woman on a dating site who I thought was awesome. Within 30 minutes of sitting down for a casual coffee (to which we both showed up early — a good sign), she revealed her prior extensive drug addiction (while managing to graduate with honors from a prestigious university — huge bonus points for delving into her shadow side at a young age and coming out relatively unscathed) and we bonded over our love of music and our experiences in the music business. I think that both of us were excited for a more formal rendezvous so I proposed dinner a few nights later.
Again both of us showed up early and the conversation did not lag for one second. It felt as if we could talk forever about our non-conventional lives, our mutual interests, our similar travels, and our careers.
The check came and being the male part of the equation I reached for it — but not too quickly. It sat between us for a minute before I slid it slowly towards me and put a card down.
My new friend — who was definitely in favor of women’s liberation, women’s equality, women getting paid the same amount as men, etc. — did not motion her hands towards her purse nor did she say, “I’ll get the next one.”
Again, this is not a tale of right and wrong; this is a tale of incompatible expectations, insufficient communications, and maybe a tinge of hypocrisy of which we are all guilty.
If men and women are equal then we have equal rights and responsibilities — correct? This implies disregarding our culture’s underlying myths of knights in shining armor coming to save damsels in distress and other chivalrous malarkey that feminists labored so hard to eliminate — right?
We continued to chat intensely for another twenty minutes and then went our separate ways.
The next morning I texted to thank her for another vivacious conversation and invite her for a walk on the beach that weekend. She texted back that she was leaving for three weeks and we could get together when she returned. I wished her a pleasant trip.
Here are the subliminal messages that I received from the aforementioned snippets:
- Not reaching for the purse or offering to get the next one said, “I expect to be taken care of.”
- Texting that I should leave her alone for three weeks said, “I’m fiercely independent, I don’t need you, I’m my own woman.”
OK, so you’re your own woman but you expect men to buy you dinner? Is there not a shred of hypocrisy or at least a mixed message there?
On Planet Ira—because men and women are equals — we both reach for our wallets. One of us says, “I’ll get this one,” and the other one says, “That’s very kind of you. Thank you very much. I’ll get the next one.”
But isn’t this a problem inherent in the system? Don’t we all want to be loved unconditionally and only have tools and symbols to convey love conditionally — because we’re successful, smart, sexy, rich, pretty, articulate, independent, etc.
Do the conventions of courtship make us all hypocrites in some way?
For those of us who are not psychic, the only solution is to communicate clearly and honestly so that expectations don’t wreak havoc on our lives.
On the other hand, isn’t authenticity and authentic communications often unromantic, even unerotic? Particularly for men who are taught to create invulnerable facades and not display vulnerability?
Navigating subjects such as sex and money — particularly when trying to start a new relationship — is usually awkward and painful, yet authentic communications appears to be the only solution for those seeking true, enduring intimacy.
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Photo credit: Dan4th Nicholas/flickr
wow.. it went from she texted me that should would be gone but would get back together when she returned to DON”T CONTACT ME WHILE I’M GONE.. hhhookay Did she actually say not to contact her or is that just projection on your part? is he saying it is hypocritical of her not to … cancel her trip cause he paid for dinner? or maybe she should put time aside from her trip to contact him.. because he paid for dinner?? is this guy suggesting that the dating schedule depend on who paid for dinner last? Maybe he should have… Read more »
@Wes Carr, I have just read two articles on this website and in both your response was negative with undertones of misogyny. Please address your issues in private. Good luck.
If you are a functioning adult with a job, then you can pay your own way. Just as women do not owe men sex, men don’t owe them dinners, drinks or unpaid labor.
When it comes to paying for dinner, I’m with FlyingKal – if I’m inviting (or suggesting), I’m at least expecting to pay. As for someone going away for three week, I don’t get why you’d be upset about that. And, yes, taking “I’ll be traveling, not chance to meet up” as a “leave me alone” *is* being upset. What did you expect – that she cancel her plans because you fancy taking her out? I have a busy travel schedule. I often have to say “thank, but can’t do that” to all kinds of social calls. She might be in… Read more »
When you get into a serious relationship, expecting the other person to always match you in the same exact way you gave, will be a lot of pressure put on your relationship. Erin, I absolutely agree with most of what you write. But they aren’t in a serious relationship yet. Expecting that any effort will be reciprocated tit-for-tat is probably toxic at best. But being in a budding relationship (as they are just getting to know each other, not neccesarily developing into a romantic one) and if a person claims to want an equal relationship, I think it’s super important… Read more »
If you were the one to propose dinner, I’ll pretty much expect you to pick up the tab.
Then again, that three-week trip must have come up as quite a surprise, if it wasn’t even mentioned in the extensive conversation the evening just before? I smell cop-out, possibly with a hint of commitment-phobia? I find it way better to deliver these kind of news face to face, if at all possible.
I guess you’ll see in three weeks time.
Actually Ira, all you can really gather from her not reaching for the check is, “I expect you to take care of this one bill.” And all you can gather from her text is that she is considerate enough to tell you that she is going away for a period of time and she would like to see you when she returns. I actually think that’s pretty respectful. I don’t see how her telling you she would be away for several weeks turns in, “I don’t need you”. If a male friend of yours told you he was going away… Read more »