Men are both stuck in “first half of life thinking” and also suffering from an inordinate burden of shame.
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As an Australian male, the Orlando shooting hit me harder than other tragedies in recent times. My brother and his family live in Orlando and though they are all fine and were nowhere near the Pulse nightclub at the time of the shooting, it made the whole tragedy a bit more real for me.
I have visited America a number of times and have always loved it. I love the people and the confident “can-do” attitude. I have also been fortunate to visit many other countries in my life, both Western and non-Western, and I have to say that the one place where I have felt unsafe is in America. That’s not to say that was my consistent experience. The vast majority of the time, I have felt perfectly safe.
And the common denominator is that these are problems almost solely perpetuated by men.
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This is also not to criticize America; it is simply an observation that has come to mind in the wake of the latest tragedy in my brother’s home city. As someone who has always loved America and its ideal of freedom, I believe we enjoy more freedom in Australia. Part of that freedom is not having to live in fear because of our strict gun laws.
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In recent years, following mass shootings in America, some media attention has been given to the fact that Australia has not had a mass shooting for 20 years. In 1996, the state of Tasmania experienced the worst shooting in our country’s history when 35 people were killed at Port Arthur. In the wake of that national tragedy, our then Prime Minister introduced laws which included a ban on all semi-automatic rifles and all semi-automatic and pump-action shotguns. In addition, licensing and ownership of guns became much more difficult. As a result of these tight controls we now have the freedom to live with much less fear of a mass shooting.
This is not to say we don’t have our own problems here in Australia. Domestic and family violence is at epidemic levels in this country. On average, one woman is murdered every week here as a result of intimate partner violence.
This brings me to my main point. Violence is a problem the world over, whether it be gun violence in America or domestic violence in Australia. And the common denominator is that these are problems almost solely perpetuated by men.
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One of the reasons I signed up to The Good Men Project was because I was looking for forums where I could learn more about what being a good man was all about.
The greatest contribution to me learning to become a more integrated man has been through meeting regularly with other men and sharing our feelings. The highlight of this was participating in a men’s rites of passage last year with about 30 other men from around Australia and New Zealand.
We prioritize defense, security, and the economy over care for the poor, education, health, and the arts.
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Most men in our culture haven’t been initiated into manhood in the healthy way that tribal cultures have done for thousands of years. As a result, Western societies have many boys running around in men’s bodies. These are men who are emotionally undeveloped and who still believe that success and winning are the most important things in life.
The Franciscan priest, Richard Rohr, refers to this as “first half of life” thinking. The first half of life (which for men is generally up to the age of about 30) is the time when we are trying to build our identity, achieve success, make money, look good and build our family. This is the adolescent stage. It is a necessary time as it is supposed to build the foundation for the second half of life.
Rohr says that Western culture is still largely at this adolescent stage. We prioritize defense, security, and the economy over care for the poor, education, health, and the arts.
Men in the West suffer from an inordinate burden of shame. Suicide is the leading cause of death in Australia for men aged 15-44. At a time in our lives when we would ideally be enjoying what has become of our lives and looking forward to another 30 or 40 years, we are instead killing ourselves. The social cost to our society is horrendous.
Despite this gloomy scenario, I see hope amongst men in our culture. The men’s movement is gathering momentum. There is nothing like being in the presence of other men with whom you can share your deepest, darkest fears and secrets and shed tears of pain, and be unconditionally accepted within it. When you’re with a group of men who share such healthy intimacy and hug each other at the end, it heals something deep in your soul. It is about moving into the second half of life.
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The move into the second half of life happens when we realize the need to let go of the old identity markers of success, winning and privilege, and realize that life is not about us, but that it involves giving ourselves away for the good of others.
People often move into this stage as a result of a crisis. It might be a divorce, a job loss or the death of a loved one. It is either great suffering or great love that allows people to see that the way they have been living no longer works, and that allows them to surrender the need for success and winning.
More of us are finding what we really want: true intimacy with our partners and a healthy sense of dignity as men living in a community of acceptance where shame is washed away by the tears of healing.
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The most significant sense of healing I have experienced in the last couple of years is in coming to realize that I am a normal man. I am not different, which is how I had felt for most of my life previously. The thoughts and feelings I have at times are the same as those that millions of men the world over experience. This realization has been life-changing. And it has happened in the safe environment of a group of men who are each committed to their own betterment.
In the wake of Orlando, I am convinced that gun violence in America is not a Muslim problem. It is primarily a male problem, just as family violence is in Australia. Men are in pain in our culture and we need to heal.
Thankfully, more men are finding healing in their own lives. More of us are finding what we really want: true intimacy with our partners and a healthy sense of dignity as men living in a community of acceptance where shame is washed away by the tears of healing.
I am eternally grateful for the healing I am fortunate enough to experience as a man. I have a very long way to go, but I am comforted that in a weary, violent world, there are pockets of men who are realizing that we can change. The peace we all long for in this world will have come a lot closer to reality when more of us men find the freedom and love that heals our shame.
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Photo: Pixabay
Hi Nils
You write
“Men in the West suffer from an inordinate burden of shame”
As a woman I would like to hear more about that.
I mean,what generated this shame ?
Is the feelings of shame caused expectations to men that is impossible to live up,and unhealthy as well.
Can you tell us more?
So if winning and making money are masculine things and that’s harmful, why are so many “progress” people pushing so hard to have women be CEOs, politicians, etc., but not parity in dangerous or “dirty” professions (ie they want women to “win”). Are they just misogynists who hate women?
I don’t see conservatives pushing minorities or poor whites in other good paying jobs and wanting them to stay in low paying jobs or dangerous blue collar jobs.
That doesn’t even make sense. It would be like conservatives saying that promiscuity resulted in people going to hell and demanding tax payer funded hookers. If masculinity is so terrible and toxic, why are feminists pushing the values of toxic masculinity (power, money, dominance) just demanding that it be shared with women? These things apparently are recognized as not toxic, but highly valued and they’re pulling a shell game.
Well, Mr. Anderson, your first comment doesn’t make sense at all.
@ G Sure it does, but you’re trying to hold two contrary positions and the comment makes light of that. If I hold that the need for money, power, and domination are “toxic”; wouldn’t it make sense to dismantle the actual structures rather than saying women should have a share of those things that are “toxic”. Shouldn’t they be advocating for a “flat” instead of supporting a hierarchical structure with just a mix of people at the top? Granted feminism has never made logical sense. Maybe because it never been founded in reality. Still, you would think that SOME feminists… Read more »
Mr. Anderson
It would be nice if SOME men admitted that toxic masculinity is sometimes the problem in our society. I don’t see men advocating a flat structure where workers have a say in how the company is being run; however, many CEOs have an adverse to sharing power and decision making with the workers.
You’re arguing in the wrong direction. Also “conservatives” don’t advocate for men in anywhere near the capacity that “progressives” advocate for women.
The question is why is it that when men are CEOs its harmful and hateful but when women are CEOs is progress?
You are right Danny when conservatives don’t advocate for men in terms of better labor laws, have the ability to join a union, better pay, free or afford education/medical care. Mega Whitman of Ebay and Carly Fiorina, ex-CEO of Hewlett-Packard were not good examples of women CEOs in progress when you look at the way they were no better than many of their male counterparts in treating their workforces.
So with that in mind let me ask.
If conservatives don’t advocate for men why are they so often associated with men in general as if conservatives look out for the interests of men?
@ G
So why don’t progressives advocate for those other things rather than me too?
“If conservatives don’t advocate for men why are they so often associated with men in general as if conservatives look out for the interests of men.”
Probably because they don’t know any better.
Mr. Anderson:
Well, I don’t see conservatives advocating those things that progressives want instead of fighting them tooth and nail.
@ Danny
Great way to phrase it. I would probably add ceo bad, male cep, bad, female ceo good. It’s this belief that women will automatically make something which is supposed to be fundamentally bad good. That’s why I wonder if it’s really an issue of “toxic” masculinity is bad (they seem to agree that it’s pretty good), but rather I want mine.
This was a great read.
This is probably one of the only pieces at GMP that mentions the shooting in Orlando without immediately going on some politically motivated rant about how men are bad and men need to change for the sake of women (despite the shooters clear hatred of gay men). So thanks for that.
A valid attempt, and it is good that so many men that have been alienated from their true masculinity are finding it in men’s groups. It is my opinion that such men’s groups, the restoration of male community, a re-acquaintance with holistic masculinity is the key to ending a great many men’s issues, including male violence. The problem is that we are still not speaking the entire truth, still conditioned by society to hold certain beliefs. Still halfway in that man box. This is no more evident than that assertion that violence, specifically domestic violence, is a male issue, and… Read more »