Sometimes it’s the little signs of affection that keep couples from drifting apart.
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I have never been good at holding hands.
Or any small, physical signs of affection, really.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife immensely and she knows it. I do lots of things to show her — both little and big. But I rarely find myself interlacing my fingers in hers while we walk around town or watch movies together.
How is it that I’m so terrible at something as simple as holding hands? For that matter what would make me bad at something so clearly desirable? Research suggests that touch is vital to our well-being. And what are spouses for if not one another’s well-being?
Mark Greene has written about the effects of touch isolation for the Good Men Project. He points out some of the ways that platonic touch is important for men — and some of the subtle ways we’re raised to avoid it.
For some of us, touch isolation is our default setting.
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I know there are many men who, like me, have spent so much time keeping an arms-length bubble of personal space that we tend to maintain it even when we’re out with our spouses. Not because we don’t love them or value their touch, but because, for some of us, touch isolation is our default setting. When we walk through the grocery with our spouse, we’re not holding hands because we’re not actively thinking about it.
That’s fine. There’s not a rule that says couples need to be touching all the time.
But strong marriages require both romance and friendship and touch is important enough to be included in both of those aspects of a couple’s life together. An arm wrapped quietly around the waist or a hand momentarily clasped gently in another’s hand can reinforce the relationship’s platonic side.
So, what can these otters holding hands teach men like me about marriage?
The kicker happens at about 1:20 into the video. When the distractions of the world cause our minds to wander from our love for one another, couples can begin to drift apart. Sometimes a gesture as simple as a loving hand reaching out can bring them back together.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Screenshot from video
That is something else. Pretty special. Nice way to tie an article together Ben.
Lovely metaphor Ben. Otters are my favorite animal. I watched the video on silent. Very profound. Had me smiling. My marriage is the other way round. I love to hold hands and my love language is physical; my wife’s is affirmation. I have to initiate the hand holding.
You know, you bring up a really important point. While our society generally pushes touch isolation on men, it’s something that, like all gendered generalizations, isn’t universal. It’s valuable to look at these things on an individual basis. Friendly physical contact is necessary regardless of gender. And as long as it’s within each person’s comfort level, that’s something couples can provide for one another.
Thanks for sharing!
Hey Ben
Nice piece.
I think we all drift apart in small, ordinary ways. The key, in my opinion, is that we dp have to recognize that we don’t “drift together”- we have to do something to come back together .
Clearly the otters know this.
-WR-
Thanks so much for adding that, Winifred! To make the most of the metaphor, we could say that the longer we’ve spent drifting apart, the more effort is needed to come back together. Sometimes it becomes more involved than just reclasping hands.