My whole world was thrown into upheaval, and I didn’t have a clue what to do next.
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Back in 2006, I went through an incredibly painful breakup. Hang on, let me rephrase that, it was a breakup so painful it made my previous divorce feel like a trip to Disneyland. That’s right–my full-blown divorce eight years earlier felt like a weekend at the lake house compared to this blowout breakup. My whole world was thrown into upheaval, and I didn’t have a clue what to do next.
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An Emotional Bottom
Well, about five weeks after the breakup, I hit an emotional bottom. It was a Saturday night and a friend and I had been out partying and chasing women. Sometimes they would even chase us back, but not usually.
All of a sudden, after having a few drinks and hitting on several women (unsuccessfully), the emptiness of my life came crashing in.
I knew something HAD to change. Actually, everything had to change.
And right then and there, on September 17th, 2006, at 12:32 in the morning, I knew I had to stop drinking. The party was over. I sat my drink down and walked out of that bar.
With A Little Help From My Friend
The next day, I reached out to a good friend of mine who I knew would understand the heartache and confusion I was going through. “I’m done drinking”, I boldly told him. He quickly replied, “That’s awesome! So, how are you going to stay stopped?”
Truth was, I had stopped drinking before.
Once, I quit for almost a year because I was so intent on getting in great shape. I was working out like a madman and didn’t want anything getting between me and my fitness goals.
And even then it wasn’t easy because all of my social outlets and friendships revolved around recreational drinking. Let me tell ya- that was a challenging year!
Some Serious Changes
But this time was different. My heart was completely shattered, and I knew that if I was ever going to truly recover from this failed relationship, and walk into the life (and future relationship) I always wanted, I had to make some serious changes.
And for starters, that meant laying off the booze. As in completely.
My friend went on to offer a suggestion, “Hey man, why don’t you go check out a meeting?” I knew exactly what he was talking about because he’d been sober for about six years- and I knew he didn’t do it alone.
And so I agreed. I went online, did some research, and found a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous that met in a quiet part of the city.
But I’m Not An Alcoholic!
And so the day came, and I found myself driving to an AA meeting. But as I’m driving there, my mind is telling me “Scott, what are you doing going to an AA meeting? You’re not an alcoholic.” I didn’t believe I was an alcoholic then, and I still don’t.
I remember telling my friends and family that I was no longer drinking, and they all seemed quite puzzled. “But you don’t have a problem,” they said, “Why do you feel the need to quit drinking?”
But I had such a deep spiritual calling that was telling me point blank, that to get from where I was, to where I wanted to be, I would have to approach life with a sober mind and a sober body.
I had an open mind and a deep willingness to try, to do whatever it took to change, to evolve.
A Message I Could Relate To
When I sat down inside the meeting, I looked around and saw a variety of people. I saw people who looked like me, and well, people who didn’t. But when the meeting got underway, I heard powerful stories of struggle, hope, determination, surrender, and triumph, and I couldn’t deny I was in the right place.
I heard things, which although I couldn’t exactly relate to all the stories of alcohol per se, my mind could easily translate it all into the many problems I’d had with romantic relationships (and the crazy partying that led me there).
You see, alcohol was never my “drug of choice”. No, alcohol was merely a gateway drug that led me to what I wanted: Love (or at least what I thought was love)
Except real love was never what I found. What I found (while drinking and chasing women) was dysfunctional and toxic relationships with unstable and unavailable women. They were pretty on the outside, but the inside, well, not so much.
I Was Powerless Over Relationships
Step one says, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable” My mind quickly did the translation: “I am powerless over toxic relationships (like the one I just left), and my life is 100% unmanageable!”
And again, although I didn’t believe I was an “alcoholic”, I knew my life would be better without alcohol. And this was huge for me, it was shared with me that “the only requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking”, and I absolutely had that desire.
Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12-steps helped me catch my breath, and examine my relationship with myself, other people, and of course, how alcohol clouded my judgement.
A Spiritual Growth Spurt
I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I was growing, I was healing, and I was making different (and better choices). Because the truth of the matter was, if I was still partying on the weekends and chasing women, I would have never truly healed from that breakup. Nope, I would have met someone new and probably went on to experience another failed relationship.
All in all, I quit drinking for almost three years. Not bad for someone who’s not an alcoholic. But looking back, I’m so glad I embraced this season of sobriety and allowed the universe to really do a work in my life.
In my work, as a breakup and divorce recovery coach, I always recommend clients to take a break from alcohol while they’re in such an emotionally charged state. A broken heart and alcohol can be a disastrous combination.
I Found The Reset Button
Nowadays, I’ll enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a beer with friends. Alcohol no longer plays the role it once did. I’ve successfully hit the “reset button” on my relationship with alcohol.
And sobriety was the catalyst that made it possible for me to do all the other “work”, work that desperately needed to be done.
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Ask Yourself A Question
My friend, I would encourage you to give sobriety a chance. And like me, you don’t have to quit drinking forever. Just try on sobriety and see if life gets better.
See if you make healthier choices in love and life. And rather than getting caught up in labels or definitions, and trying to answer the question, “am I a real alcoholic?”, Just keep it simple.
Ask this question instead: “Is it possible that my life might be better without alcohol?” and, depending on your answer to that question, ask yourself this: “What do I have to lose to find out?”
You’ll never know unless you try.
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Photo: Flickr/ Daniel Hoherd
This article is upsetting to me. Would you think of going to a cancer support group if you didn’t have cancer? Or go to a cancer support group to quit smoking? No of course not. Please don’t encourage those without the disease. And that is what it actually is bona fide by the medical and scientific community a disease! To come to Alcoholics Anonymous for heartbreak or to stop drinking for a while. What if everyone did take your advice what would the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous look like? What happens when someone walks into a room with a life… Read more »
Hi Katherin, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my article. I sincerely appreciate it! When I had my spiritual awakening on September 17th, 2006 at 12:32 in the morning, I knew I had to make some changes. One of the absolute first changes I knew I had to make was to stop drinking (ie partying and chasing women) So I reached out to a good friend (who had about 9 years of sobriety) and shared my deep desire to make this change. He suggested I go to a meeting and just be open to what… Read more »
Scott, I appreciate your courage to open your self up and write this article. It has intact helped me. I believe AA should be for anyone affected by alcohol regardless if they are alcoholic or not. My guess is that many people who go to AA are not alcoholics but it helps them to avoid alcohol in their lives. I know of a lady who claimed to be a alcoholic and sober for over 30 years. She also admitted that she never felt she ever truly was one. Who is to say who is or not anyway. Only the individual… Read more »