Scott Alden of dating site How About We looks at the absurdity of sexual shaming language.
“Slut” is a funny word. Not funny haha, but funny strange. The meaning and the power of the word change drastically depending on who’s using it and who’s being addressed. Among some women friends, “slut” has become almost a term of endearment. Some like to be called a slut in sexual situations because it turns them on. The word has even been re-purposed as a symbol of power and the freedom to have sex with who they want to, when they want to (e.g., The Ethical Slut or Toronto’s recent Slutwalk).
Now, maybe it’s the result of backlash against political correctness. Maybe it’s confusion. Possibly, it’s just straight-up douchebaggery. But it seems that men (and women, too) are still using the word “slut” as a means of shaming and judging women for their sexual practices and style of dress.
The Gloss anonymously interviewed seven men from different walks of life, asking each, “What makes a woman a slut?” and posted the results yesterday. Among the indications of sluttiness cited were:
- How many people she sleeps with a year
Dressing “trashy”
Sleeping with multiple men at one time
Not waiting long enough to sleep with a guy
Having sex with them on a first date
Wha? You’d call a woman a slut because she slept with you?
Aside from the obvious double-standard, the centuries of sexual repression and shaming women for daring to have a sex drive, and the host of other reasons that a statement like this is unfair, irresponsible and cowardly, you are contributing to a hostile and fearful dating environment.
If you don’t like the choices a woman makes about whom she sleeps with and when, you are more than welcome not to sleep with her. But to continue to judge single women for having the audacity to sleep with who they want to—something that single men are generally congratulated for—is to perpetuate an antagonistic dynamic between the sexes that has seen its day.
If the ethical argument is lost on you here, think of it this way, guys: does it really benefit you to make women feel hesitant to express their sexuality?
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This post first appeared on The Date Report, the companion blog to dating site HowAboutWe.com. It’s a place where they even use Cyrano as a verb, as in, Vocab Lessons: Have You Ever Cyrano’d for Someone?
Scott Alden is a staff writer at HowAboutWe. He spends the majority of his time thinking about dating, writing about dating and, sometimes,actually dating. He lives in New York City.
About HowAboutWe.com
OK heres the perfect example of a man calling a woman a slut and her turning the tables http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dVmwoR24rc
Your first paragraph is powerful and one of the most honest statements I’ve read – thank God for truth-telling- how can men and women have the healthy relationships with all these irrational dishonest shame based beliefs?
Aside from the obvious double-standard, the centuries of sexual repression and shaming women for daring to have a sex drive, and the host of other reasons that a statement like this is unfair, irresponsible and cowardly, you are contributing to a hostile and fearful dating environment.
I’m sorry, but that is faulty logic. A woman’s willingness to sleep with me has zero bearing on whether or not she is a slut. If I am the 14th man she’s been with in the last six months, sleeping with me doesn’t make her slutty, the other 13 guys do. I don’t judge a woman based on sleeping with me on the first date or not. As far as the “double-standard” (which is a complete misnomer in my opinion) it exists because women have far more power in the sexual marketplace. They control sex, not men. We have to work to get laid, women just have to snap their fingers. A quote I read sums it up fairly well:
“One key that opens many locks is a good key; one lock that is opened by many keys isn’t a good lock.”
actually I am not sure why this struck me the way it did , but I remember some years ago someone pointing out the hypocrasy of stat rape, (when someone has sex with a girl under the age of X (insert age for your area) and in some areas there has to be an age difference. The hypocrasy is this, the girl could have sex with a 1000 guys in here age range but if she sleeps with 1 guy who is 1 year outside that range he is a criminal.
Justifying anything by claiming “Women control access to sex!” is downright silly. Women could easily make the same claim about men, except with “committed relationships” instead of “sex”. Many, MANY women feel they have to “snag a man” to feel like a real woman. Meanwhile many, MANY men feel like they need to have a certain number of attractive female partners to be a real man. But these are just the irrational demands of society, however they are so thoroughly ingrained that many people feel ashamed they can’t reach these goals, and resent they opposite sex for not making it easier.
Yes, it does benefit them.
But masturbating in favour of mindless hedonism is so much more trendy these days.
Come on guys the site is either pANDERING TO WOMEN OR IS ABOUT BETAHOOD… CHECK THIS OUT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dVmwoR24rc
THEN GOOGLE ROISSY IN DC FOR GODS SAKE
We all make choices and must accept their consequences. Sorry, you can’t tell people wha to think or prefer. All a woman who wants to have many sexual partners has to do is find the same thing a man who has had many different jobs has to do, find someone who doesn’t mind.
Sorry but there is no double standard, MEN who sleep with lots of women are called dogs and that isn’t a term of endearment at all.
Sometime ago I read (which I could find the link) as to why when a man beds 20 women in a year it is considered ‘special’ or that he has ‘talent’ , because if a women wants to bed 20 guys in a year, all she has to do is say yes, a man actually has to ‘work’ at it. There really isn’t any work for a woman to do it.
Now, I don’t like the word slut quite frankly because I believe if a woman wants to bed a 1000 guys a night more power to her, same as if a man wants to bed a 1000 women a night.
Kinda like child bearing for me, approx 1/2 the human beings on this planet can get pregnant and bear a child, really isn’t special now is it.
I know!
When a girl sleeps with a thousand guys she’s a “Slut”
But when a guy does it he’s “Gay!”
I’d have to say, this article isn’t very effective, anyone who agrees with it probably did before they read it. Anyone who doesn’t, isn’t likely to be swayed.