How to heal emotional wounds with the “love drug.”
If you had struggles in your childhood or, in your relationships, it is possible your oxytocin levels are not where they should be. Oxytocin is the hormone that helps to create feelings of love, desire and trust. This is why we call it the “love drug.”
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Do any of these sound familiar?
“I’ve had breakups, I don’t trust relationships now.”
“I’m better off being single.”
“My dad was distant, never hugged. It’s how it was back then, but, I have a hard time showing emotion sometimes.”
“Everytime things get intense with a partner, I have this urge to break up or get silent.”
Oxytocin & Triggers of Touch
Think back to high school and you heard someone say “I went on a date and he was all over me!” Men, do you remember those hyper-focused feelings of wanting to touch and physically connect?
It takes approximately seven touches before the person you are touching lets their defenses down enough to begin bonding.
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Men are biologically wired to touch when mating, or trying to mate, because if you touch a woman often enough, she starts to trust you. At first, for women, touch feels awkward. Then she starts to feel safe, and lets her defenses down. However, it takes approximately seven touches (not one, or two, but seven) before the person you’re touching relaxes enough to begin bonding. This is just in the early stages of mating.
In a relationship, one would assume that the trust is already there. However, if a couple is not having sex, or sleeping in the same bed, maybe one is on the couch, and one is in bed because they’re having a struggle in their relationship, over time, they’re both going to have an oxytocin drop. Trust may be broken, and getting it back may take more than seven touches.
To repair a lack of intimacy with your partner, if you are living together, the first step towards greater intimacy is to sleep together in the same bed.
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He will be less attentive and colder, she will be less interested and unmotivated. Both could develop resentment and depressive symptoms. And, both could find other ways to fill the void such as over-spending, other relationships, over-working, addictions, and over-eating.
While one partner might say they want more intimacy, that’s more of a biological than emotional urge. To repair a lack of intimacy with your partner, if you are living together, the first step towards greater intimacy is to sleep together in the same bed.
Definitely let love be the more definitive reason you’re together. Struggles happen. Ups and downs happen in relationships. That’s just the way it is. But, stay in the same bed. And, try to cuddle as much as possible and to touch each other lovingly as much as possible.
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Top five ways to nurture trust and boost oxytocin levels for both partners.
- Hug hello and goodbye with an embrace that lasts about twenty seconds. Don’t rush it.
- Look into each others eyes when speaking. No television or cellphone. Eye contact is part of human attachment bonding. In fact, if human babies do not get enough eye contact, they can develop attachment issues. Get used to loving, warm gazes.
- Make a habit of going to bed at the same time and cuddle. Better yet, a few nights a week try to fall asleep in an embrace.
- Hold hands often. Give little squeezes now and then so it’s not methodical or obligatory hand-holding, but meaningful.
- Kiss on the lips, nuzzle the neck, and sit near each other when possible. The closeness and vulnerability creates a surge of emotions and physical responses that is healthy and positive.
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These simple touch tips can help you and your partner get back to a more intimate place, it’s both science and emotion. Try it, you’ll see. Even if you’re not feeling distant, why not try these tips, you never know where they might lead.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
Hi Michele! Lovely piece. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it… A while ago I took the 5 Love Languages test after reading a GMP article. Previously, I had never heard of it… http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ I am just curious if you feel that people who score low on physical touch would not respond so well to what you are suggesting? I scored a 12 for Physical Touch, 6 for Quality Time, and a 6 for Words of Affirmation. So touching including hugging, kissing, sex, and cuddling are very very important to me. These things are critical for me to create intimacy and feel… Read more »
Hello Jules, In my opinion, the “5 Languages of Love” are more about expression, however, we all need to express in many ways. The 5LL shows us how we can appreciate our partners expression and tweak areas to better nourish our partner. That however, does not give us the entire picture on attachment bonding and intimacy. For you, that fact that you are higher on touch is wonderful! However, if I were able to guide you, i would probably add that eye gazing are added to this and believe it or not, add cooking dinners or healthy food in some… Read more »
“However, if I were able to guide you, i would probably add that eye gazing are added to this and believe it or not, add cooking dinners or healthy food in some way. Cutting apple slices and handing her a slice so that your have some touch with the food.. these are very primal ways to increase intimacy- and enjoyable.”
I will take you up on this!
Thanks for the advice and compliment.
Cheers!