One Man’s Journey: How I Stopped Watching Pornography and Why I’m Not Going Back

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Dan Mahle isn’t saying porn is always bad, but after not using pornography for a year, his life changed for the better. 

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I remember when I first discovered internet porn – I was 17 years old (1).  Fascinated by this world of unleashed sexual expression and fantasy, I couldn’t get enough of it. As I grew up and began exploring my own sexuality, I discovered just how different watching pixels on a screen was compared to the intimacy of making love with another human being. I thought I’d outgrow my porn habit over time. But I never did.

I didn’t know it then, but porn had become an addiction. And, like most addictions, it was a behavior that I was ashamed to talk about or even admit was a problem. “Yeah, everybody watches porn,” I remember hearing. It seemed so pervasive and culturally accepted that having an actual conversation about it was a total non-starter. So I kept it to myself.

I thought I had my habit under control. I thought I could quite porn whenever I felt like it. I even tried to quit a few times and then rationalized my eventual return to the addiction.

I didn’t realize how much watching porn manipulated my mind, warping my sexuality, numbing my feelings, and impacting my relationships with women. And I was not alone.

According to a recent study, more than 70 percent of men ages 18 to 34 visit porn sites in a typical month. And it’s not just guys watching sex online. It is estimated that 1 in 3 porn users today are women. Now, I want to be clear here that porn use extends beyond the male/female gender binary, but for the purpose of this post I am sharing my experience with porn from the perspective of a heterosexual, cisgender, White man.

Let me also state clearly that I don’t think all porn is bad. I’ve seen some great videos of couples engaging in intimate and respectful sexual encounters – of course, these are often only found on feminist porn sites or in the “female friendly” category (It’s interesting to note what the category name “female friendly” implies about all the other categories). But I’m not here to judge anyone else for what they choose to watch. I’m simply sharing the impacts that porn has had on my life and what has changed for me since I’ve stopped using it.

To me, what is worrying about porn is not how many people use it, but how many people – like me – have found themselves addicted to it.

As Dr. Jeffrey Satinover stated in his 2004 testimony to the U.S. Senate subcommittee on pornography, “Modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.”

Impacts of Porn (2)

A lot of studies have been conducted on the impacts of porn on men and women in society. Of all of those impacts, three most resonated with my experience:

1. Violence Against Women (3):  This includes an obsession with looking at women rather than interacting with them (voyeurism), an attitude in which women are viewed as objects of men’s sexual desire, and the trivialization of rape and widespread acceptance of rape culture – fueled by fake depictions of women in porn videos often pretending to desire violent and abusive sexual acts.

2. Numbness & Disembodiment: This can include erectile dysfunction, inability to orgasm when not watching porn, detachment from your physical body, emotional unavailability and numbness, lack of focus and patience, poor memory, and general lack of interest in reality. Furthermore, these outcomes in men have been linked to boredom with their sexual partners, higher levels of sexual promiscuity, adultery, divorce, sexism, rape, abuse, and suicide.

3. Fear of Intimacy: Watching porn contributes to many men’s inability to relate to women in an honest and intimate way despite a longing to feel loved and connected. This is because pornography exalts our sexual needs over our need for sensuality and intimacy; some men develop a preoccupation with sexual fantasy that can powerfully impede their capacity for emotionally intimate relationships.

Why I Quit Watching

I always felt like a hypocrite watching porn. Here I was, a man who is striving to be an ally to women, perpetuating the very culture of violence and misogyny that I was ostensibly trying to fight. The reality was that most of the videos I found online had titles that included words like “bitch” or “slut” and showcased controlling behaviors that were rooted in a culture of subjugation and objectification, where women are nothing more than sexual bodies to be exploited and dominated by men.

When I am deeply honest, I have to admit I was both intrigued and disgusted at the same time. By that time, my mind had been socially conditioned to find aggressive, misogynistic, and even non-consensual sex arousing. That is a difficult thing for me to admit. But it got to a point where I felt physically ill watching the videos, and yet I kept watching. That’s when I realized I was dealing with an addiction.

What I’ve discovered is that there is a whole spectrum of addiction, from a feeling of compulsion on one end to an intense addiction on the other. My porn addiction seems to have been pretty mild, since I did not experience any serious withdrawal effects. For some people with more serious addictions, professional support may be needed.

Last February, after a decade of use, I decided to quit watching porn for 1 year. I did this, both for the challenge of seeing if I could do it, and for the chance to see how life might be different. Now this may not seem like a big deal, but it was actually a radical commitment to uphold.

Today marks my 1-year anniversary of life without porn. It hasn’t been easy, particularly as a single guy, but what I’ve learned about myself through this experience has transformed my life forever.

Life After Porn

Life has shifted in some pretty powerful ways during my year without porn:

1. Integrity & Love: Since dropping porn, I have restored a sense of personal integrity that was missing. Regaining this integrity has allowed me to move through a lot of my shame and find myself in an incredible new space of deepening love for myself and others. I’ve also noticed that I am often able to stay more present with women now, rather than projecting fantasies onto them. This was hard to do when my mind was cluttered with images from porn videos. This newfound presence has also allowed me to begin to dismantle some of the subconscious sexism that I’ve held, helping me work toward becoming a better ally to the women in my life.

2. Embodiment & Emotional Expression: My year without porn has helped me reconnect to my body and begin to transform my emotional numbness into healthy emotional expression. I’ve begun to expand my sense of self by learning how to move out of my head and into my heart. After many long years void of emotional expression, I’ve reconnected to my tears. This release of suppressed emotional tension has unlocked a lot of joy in my life. All of this has helped me begin to shift my sexuality from mental masturbation and physical detachment to true intimacy, presence, and embodiment.

3. Creativity & Passion: Over the past year, I’ve started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve become much more willing to let go of control, to improvise, and to accept people’s differences. I trust myself more than I ever have and, as a result, my sense of self-confidence has soared. I wake up every morning grateful to be alive, clear about my life’s purpose, and passionate about the work I am doing in the world. My life today has a depth of authenticity and power that I never felt before.

Stepping Up

This week, many folks in my community and around the world are engaging in conversations about ending the sexual violence and abuse that directly affect over a billion women across the globe today. Of course, women and girls are not the only ones hurt by sexual violence. I’ve heard stories from a lot of guys who are also affected by cycles of violence and abuse that got passed on through generations. It is important, however, for me to recognize that far more women than men are victims of sexual assault and domestic abuse, and that men account for a vast majority of all perpetrators.

As Richard Rohr says, “pain that is not transformed is transmitted.” So how do we, as men, break this cycle of violence? It’s clear to me that we will never transform our pain within a culture of silence. It is only by bringing our shadows to the light that we can diffuse the power that they hold over us.

Over the past several years, I have heard a lot about inequality, sexism, and violence against women. I believe it is vital for porn to be a part of that conversation, particularly amongst men.

If we are serious about ending violence against women, then we must be willing to have open and honest conversations about how porn is impacting our lives.

I am committed to a world of love, respect, and safety for all people. I’m sick of all the shame, numbness, and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I’m outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!

The only way we can transform the culture of violence is to make it transparent by speaking the truth about the ways that we consciously and subconsciously contribute to it.  A culture of love and healing can only be built on a foundation of radical honesty and integrity, built from the ground up in our own lives.

Will you stand with me? It’s time we start talking about the things we’ve been afraid to talk about, knowing we’re not alone. It’s time we begin transforming our pain into love, by opening our hearts and reconnecting with our bodies. It’s time we, as men, step into a more mature masculine: one that recognizes the sacredness of life, one that creates intimacy and cultivates authentic connection and healing, one that is unafraid to love and be loved.

Additional Resources:

1. The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow
2. Why I Stopped Watching Porn: Ran Gavrieli at TEDxJaffa 2013
3. Violence Against Women: It’s a Men’s Issue: Jackson Katz at TEDxFiDiWomen
4. Make Love Not Porn: http://talkabout.makelovenotporn.tv
5. Sexual Recovery: Pornography Addiction
6. No Fap: http://www.nofap.org
7. The Good Men Project: http://goodmenproject.com
8. ManKind Project: http://mankindproject.org

Endnotes:

(1) 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to Internet porn before the age of 18.Source.

(2) This section is based on information and language from a study by Gary R. Brooks, Ph.D. found on pages 23-24 of this Report.

(3) Numerous studies have documented links between porn viewership and increased instances of sexism and violence toward women. Here is one: Source.

Originally appeared at Change From Within

Photo: Flickr/dmitrybarsky

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About Dan Mahle

Dan Mahle is a group facilitator, program coordinator, and occasional blogger on the topic of men and masculinity. His work reaches into many different arenas, from youth leadership and intergenerational collaboration to environmental justice advocacy and men’s work. He lives in Seattle, WA. Dan blogs at WholeheartedMasculine.org

Comments

  1. Tom Brechlin says:

    Dan, congratulations on your one year mark! I work in the addictions industry (chemical) and feel that when it comes to “cross addictions,” there is little to nothing that brings porn addiction into the loop. As you have personally experienced, it is a very real addiction. One of your stats indicated that 93% of boys and 62% of girls have been exposed to porn before the age of 18. If people understood the adolescent mind development, becoming addicted to something like porn in those formative years will, in many cases, become a true addiction to battle as an adult. The same Dopamine Receptors are present when viewing porn. And similar to use of MJ, the effects begin to ware off quicker, don’t have as much potency so the brain increases its search to get that feeling back. Accordingly, frequency of use increases as does the content of the of the porn in that more mild porn no longer provides the same stimulation. MJ no longer provides the same “high” so increased amounts or moving to a stronger drug becomes the next step.

    You do know that what you and I have said here is going to bring some resistance from some readers?

    I am happy that you looped this around to the affects porn has in relationship to violence. Perhaps that aspect will bring some to think about how it may be affecting today’s society.

    Again, congrats on your one year. I look forward to others comments.

  2. Tom Brechlin says:

    Okay,my apologies if my longer response shows up multiple times.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Sorry Tom!

      Thanks for your first comment, it’s great. No idea why yours weren’t showing up.

      Looks like it’s all worked out now and we appreciate the info.

      • Tom Brechlin says:

        Thanks Joanna … it was obviously a glitch but I wasn’t sure if it was something I was doing. I tend to write in “word” and copy/paste and thought maybe my word document was screwy.

  3. Joanna Schroeder says:

    I started hearing about porn addiction a few years ago and was pretty dubious for a few years. I think one reason is that I’m very pro-porn, when porn is created in a way that is healthy for everyone involved – i.e. no sex trafficking or exploitation. I realize that’s such a grey area. How can you ever know someone wasn’t coerced? Etc.

    I think my biggest fear was that pornography would become the new thing that country club wives were up in arms over (of course, they always have been) and it would lead to shaming people who use porn in a healthy way.

    But the more I read and understand, the more I believe porn can be addictive, but it’s important to understand that porn addiction is a *process addiction* much like any other non-chemical addiction, such as gambling or sex addiction.

    Gambling addiction is now in the DSM, so process addictions are being medically recognized.

    It’s important we talk about the potential effects of porn use, and how our kids’ experience with pornography will be VERY different than our own. When we were young (or when I was young) there were only magazines and VHS tapes (and HBO). Now it’s just everywhere. If they have a smartphone or iPod it can go to school with them.

    Talking about the potential dangers doesn’t mean we should ban it, but we need to understand it. We desperately need to understand it.

    There isn’t a “porn is addictive” vs “porn is not addictive” reality. The reality is that it’s going to be a different experience for all, and most people are NOT going to get addicted. But there are some who will, and some will be not addicted but negatively affected by it.

    If we all read stories like this, by Dan, we can be aware of when someone’s use is treading into the “harmful” side of use. That’s what we need – more awareness.

  4. Tom Brechlin says:

    Joanne, you;re right, many people will not become addicts to it and I hope that this dialogue won’t turn into people thinking that my view or Dan’s views are judging anyone. I don’t mean to be crude here but generally speaking the porn includes masturbation and with that, the feeling a person gets by relieving him/herself becomes part of the addiction. A comfort so to speak.

    FYI, in my day it was called the five finger shuffle……they now refer to it as “making change.”

    • wellokaythen says:

      I was wondering if someone was going to mention masturbation. It continues to amaze me how many articles about porn never mention masturbation, directly or indirectly. That would be like having a long conversation about Americans’ oil consumption and never mention cars.

      Much of the talk about porn is really talk about masturbation, because there’s still a taboo to talking about it, so much of the hand-wringing over porn consumption is really anxiety about jerking off. If our society could have a more open, honest, non-judgmental discussion about masturbation, that would make our conversation about porn more authentic.

      You don’t have to answer this, but I hope “not watching porn anymore” means you still masturbate. I hope people are able to separate porn from the uses of porn. I hope you still allow yourself to have images in your head. Don’t throw out the baby with the addictive bathwater.

      I was skeptical about porn addiction for a while as well. But, it’s clear that some people do become too dependent on porn to achieve orgasm and even become dependent on it just to get aroused. Whatever anyone thinks politically or ideologically about porn, that’s just tragic. I’m sort of an old-fashioned romantic – I think a person ought to able to have fun masturbating without needing a screen to make it happen. It’s bad enough we’re becoming overly dependent on machines in the rest of our lives.

    • I hope that this dialogue won’t turn into people thinking that my view or Dan’s views are judging anyone

      We don’t all know the full details of your views, but we can discern some of Mahle’s views as presented in his article:

      Here I was, a man who is striving to be an ally to women, perpetuating the very culture of violence and misogyny that I was ostensibly trying to fight.

      Mahle felt that being “an ally to women” required him to stop viewing and consuming pornography and that his using pornography was “perpetuating the very culture of violence and misogyny.” So, by implication, a (male) person who refuses to stop using pornography is “perpetuating the very culture of violence and misogyny.” So if people disregard or dismiss Mahle’s admonitions against using pornography and therefore help perpetuate “the very culture of violence and misogyny,” then you and Mahle will not be judging those people in any conceivable way? You wouldn’t think any less of them? Even though they are allegedly maintaining and contributing to a very bad and pernicious thing by his argument?

  5. Robin Rice says:

    Very powerful, Dan. Thank you.

  6. Tere Morales says:

    Excellent article Dan!!!
    Congratulations on it, your personal achievement and the contribution you are making.

  7. Larry Daloz says:

    Congratulations, Dan, for your courage and insight on this issue. When I was a kid sixty years ago, “porn” meant dirty pictures surreptitiously passed around after school. No more. While pornography has ancient roots, it is important to recognize that initially “adult movies” and subsequently internet video have dramatically changed both the scope and the content of porn. It is now vastly more available (and perhaps more destructive) than it has ever been. We are no longer talking about a set of dirty playing cards. It’s time for some hardcore self-examination. Thanks for bringing this reality into the light.

  8. Thank you SO much Dan, for speaking up about this. On April 19, 2012, while on a honeymoon with a man I utterly cherish, my beloved partner turned to me one morning and quietly disclosed a longstanding (35 year!) struggle with porn and sex addiction. I cannot even begin to describe my or our journey since then, but I can say, unequivocally, that he struggled with a demon so insidious and sly that addiction is the only word that describes it with any accuracy (and I am psychological researcher so I do not say that lightly). As he disclosed more and I watched it all in action over the course of the next 6 months as he began sobriety (again; he’d been trying off and on for years) I was utterly blown away by how overtaken his whole body and self could become when triggered – even by a billboard ad or fleeting image of an attractive woman. The drugs that went coursing through his body were palpable and barely tolerable for a good long time. His drug of choice was primarily porn, but this had given way, over the years, to visits to strip clubs and massage parlors that ALWAYS ended in him feeling ashamed, dirty, and out of control. Every single feeling you describe above, Dan, both your awareness of the hypocrisy in using porn as a woman respecting man, and all of the experiences that you had as you moved away from it, he has also experienced. Indeed, he describes them in almost identical language to you. I love sex and am really not interested in sexual suppression, but tasteful and respectful eroticism is very, very different, in my lived experience, than contemporary pornography. As a woman I find it really degrading and mind blowing that any man who claims to respect himself, his mind, body and spirit, and/or women defends it. And, as a woman and mother to teen girls (and boys), I can say that the “porn gaze” regular viewers take with them into off-line life, is really offensive and much more noticeable than when I was a girl. I think most people affected have no idea how affected they are until they stop it. So, Dan, THANK you so much for speaking up and for you courage and honesty. I really hope my sons will become the kind of men you and my husband are; we need as many of you as we can get.

  9. “3. Creativity & Passion: Over the past year, I’ve started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve become much more willing to let go of control, to improvise, and to accept people’s differences. I trust myself more than I ever have and, as a result, my sense of self-confidence has soared. I wake up every morning grateful to be alive, clear about my life’s purpose, and passionate about the work I am doing in the world. My life today has a depth of authenticity and power that I never felt before.”

    That’s very interesting, Dan. Would you mind giving concrete examples of all of this, before and after the severance, to help us understand the change within and how porn addiction affected you?

  10. I am honestly not sure what the diferance is between this and the kind of thinking that brought us cornflakes and boy scouts. However no matter how you look at it the floodgates are open and we have more porn then we ever could have asked for… and I don’t think society is going to fall apart over it.

    • Joanna Schroeder says:

      Society may not fall apart over it, but I don’t think that’s the author’s message here.

      • Yah I think it very much is. This is classic god kills a kitten each time you masterbate scare mongering. People have been trying to control others sexuality for pretty much ever and this just the same old song and dance that gave us gramcrackers.
        For the first time ever we have the freedom to safely explore our sexuality so of course others are going to react with fear and wag the finger at that rock and roll that is rotting the heads of kids.
        So let me say it one more time. The floodgates of porn are wide open and as I loom around… we all still seam pretty dry.

        • Theorema Egregium says:

          I think the problem is that the author did not address the subject of masturbation at all. We tend to treat porn and masturbation as basically one and the same. It is an easy mistake, which you seem to make, which I also frequently make and which, in particular, the author seems to make as well. Especially as among his additional ressources he lists the NoFap community, which is a young men’s anti-masturbation movement. I perused their discussions on Reddit a while ago, and while they give a number of reasons for their “chastity” ranging from the more-or-less-sensible to the utterly ludicrous, there is a strong impression that most feel ashamed of masturbation; young people on the internet are not likely to use Christian language but emotionally the message all too often is “I don’t want to live in sin any more!” John Harvey Kellogg indeed.

          Personally I treat the problem with a Buddhist approach. I realize where porn is negatively affecting me in a concrete fashion (e.g. when I watched too much in the past it caused a whirlwind of naked bodies to jump before my mind’s eye when I tried to sleep at night – not a comfortable feeling, like any kind of overstimulation). In addition I gently cultivate a state of mind which makes me not need porn any more. This is very much different from hair shirts and cold showers – especially as I definitely endorse masturbation. Lately I am finding myself increasingly uninerested in 99% of all porn, because I am realizing on an emotional level how the performers are not enjoying it. I had a little epiphany when I started thinking “Why would I want to watch a woman fuck, when she does not even get wet. I want to see a woman who is into it, not one who just goes through the motions.” As is the case in almost all porn. The male performers don’t seem to have a lot of fun either. For sure, there are more high-end productions where the acting is better, but eventually you see through that too.

          Again, this is not at all like “Tempt me not, begone from my sight, foul fiend!”. That would be violence against yourself. This is about genuinely becoming disenchanted with the whole thing. And anyway, the mood fluctuates. Sometimes I still watch the stuff, and when I do, I do so without feeling guilty.

          • I’ve never confuse the two and never heard of a woman confusing the two. now maybe men see them as the same the same way that they have been taught that sex equates intimacy/love. Masterbation is not the problem and NEVER HAS BEEN.. Masterbating is doing something TO YOURSELF. Looking at a drawing of a naked person or imagining a scene in your head again is YOUR MIND, YOUR IMAGES. Porn, on the other hand, has REAL LIVE HUMAN BEINGS. You are now using another person as a means to your own sexual ends. Since when has masterbation been anythign about subjegating, over powering, dominating and disresepting women? I hear a lot of men hearing that porn is bad and automatically assume what is being talked about is masterbation. maybe it is a way to avoid the subject because, on paper, using logic, NOT being defensive, OF COURSE porn is damaging and degrading to women, that’s part of the turn on, they just feel dirty/shameful for admitting it so they go into defensive mode and accuse you of trying to Police their sexuality.

            • Looking at a drawing of a naked person or imagining a scene in your head again is YOUR MIND, YOUR IMAGES

              Where do you think those IMAGES in one’s MIND came from? Even before the advent of pornography, people probably filled their sexual fantasies with IMAGES of REAL PEOPLE that they knew or observed. I suppose some people masturbate with the thought of entirely fictional persons who never existed, but I assume that a lot of masturbating people are sometimes fantasizing about real people, whether those people are celebrity pornographers or their coworkers.

              Porn, on the other hand, has REAL LIVE HUMAN BEINGS.

              What about written pornographic stories? What about illustrated or animated pornography? Like Hentai?

              You are now using another person as a means to your own sexual ends.

              Yes, you are using the image of a person for your own personal sexual gratification. That does not require pornography. People do that when they sexually fantasize about people they know and observe in real life. And not just with images in their mind.

              Since when has masterbation been anythign about subjegating, over powering, dominating and disresepting women?

              You yourself just said that when somebody masturbates with aid of pornography, they are using the people depicted in the pornography as “means” to their “sexual ends.” Well, if people who masturbate are thinking about real people as masturbatory inspiration, aren’t they exploiting the people they think about and using them as “means” for their “sexual ends.” Why should it make a difference whether the people the masturbator fantasizes about are from a pornographic film, a tabloid magazine, a Facebook photo, or from a real life encounter in his memory? And yes, some feminists have actually argued that masturbation and fantasy per se do constitute the subjugation and objectification of women, like male feminist John Stoltenberg does in his book “Refusing to Be a Man.”

      • Tom Brechlin says:

        I don’t see where is was campaigning against pornography.

  11. I utterly agree with you, Dan. In addition, I feel that porn addiction eventually transforms you into an introvert person, and sabotage your social life.

    P.s. I don’t know what’s actually the problem with comments section. I’ve tried 4 to 5 times, but page doesn’t work. I’m sorry, if I’ve submitted comments multiple times.

  12. As Richard Rohr says, “pain that is not transformed is transmitted.” So how do we, as men, break this cycle of violence? It’s clear to me that we will never transform our pain within a culture of silence. It is only by bringing our shadows to the light that we can diffuse the power that they hold over us.
    Working from that I have a bit of a question.

    On the premise that pain that is not transformed is transmitted is it possible that the pain that men are transmitting came from somewhere?

    I ask this because when talking about the violence and pain that men commit there seems to be a starting presumption that everything was just fine until men thought it was a good idea to hurt women. I’m not sure that is the case.

  13. I was going to pick out a few of the links and see if they are false claims. Then I thought, “Screw it” lets just start from the top and look at your links….We will just do it in small chunks, I think.

    Very first claim.
    “According to a recent study, more than 70 percent of men ages 18 to 34 visit porn sites in a typical month.” What study? Who wrote it and were can I find it?
    On it’s own, this one looks pretty harmless. I’m ready to just trust this is true. However, let’s take a look anyway. =D
    I clicked the link, but I did not go to the study. Instead I found a paper by a religious foundation called Covenant Eyes. The self-proclamed standard of internet integrity, not really sure what that means, so I Googled them. A for-profit religious company that sells web monitoring software. Out to stop porn addiction and make a few bucks off of your shame at the same time!
    I don’t have much faith in this, because let’s be honest… religion is not very well known for it’s fact checking.
    Let’s go back to that simple stat… I can’t find it.
    Give me a hint, what page is it on? Seeing as this is cutting in to the time I could be using to look at porn, I wanted to speed things along . So, I googled the claim.
    ―More than 70% of men from 18 to 34 visit a pornographic site in a typical month.‖ (comScore Media Metrix) (R. Albert Mohler, Jr., ―First-person: the culture of pornography,‖ Baptist Press, 28 December 2005) (G, Z)
    Baptist Press??? Something tells me this was not properly peer reviewed was it? Your very first link is a bust.
    Here is how I think this pop psychology stuff is going to play out… because this is how it always plays out.
    http://open.salon.com/blog/wqbelle/2010/11/01/pornography_statistics_laundering

    • Interesting. This is beginning to seem like a “stealth” article. It ostensibly uses secular, pop-psychology to discourage male persons from viewing pornography, but just the slightest bit of scratching the surface reveals questionable sectarian sources and indoctrination.

    • Theorema Egregium says:

      Hehe, “according to a recent study” is the modern version of “as the good book says”. :-D

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      So perhaps you can provide some stats for us? Rather then disclaiming what’s been presented, then I would presume you can provide accurate data? Any links would be welcome.

      • Why would I and stats for what? That’s not how this works. You know that right?

        • Tom Brechlin says:

          No, it’s not how it works. So c’mon, give us concrete stats to the contrary. Rather then picking apart Dan’s sources, bring something to the table from credible sources, to the contrary.

          Dan put himself out there as most men don’t and admitted his problem and is actively working on changing his life for the better. For any addict, the first step is recognizing that are an addict.

          Here is a link, informational data that has been collected. Look at the numbers and tell me there isn’t a problem. http://familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html#anchor2

          • This argument doesn’t work at all. I can just as easily claim that there is a teacup on the moon. Look! I even have proof of it’s existence in this link!!!

            http://s3.photobucket.com/user/Briahlen/media/TeacupintheMoon.jpg.html

            Source: google

            Also, I have a confession….I’m addicted to tea. The chemical dependency is hurting me. Every day I don’t have tea…I suffer. I just can’t stop drinking the stuff. When I don’t have it, I become fatigued, my head pounds like it’s going to explode, my nose becomes stuffy & I even become nauseous. What’s worse, is how it makes me agitated. I lash out at those around me. I just want to curl up into a ball when it’s not in my system. Then I need more just to keep the same level of that sweet caffeine high. Now that I know there is tea on the moon, I’m obsessed. What is it like? Does Moon Tea hold all the answers I need? I know it’s there because there is proof on google. Prove to me it’s not there with solid data, so that I may move on.

            P.S. You can’t pick apart my evidence as I have put myself out there & admitted my horrible, crippling, totally real addiction to tea. Hey! I admitted I had a problem!!! Now what were the next 11 steps again?

      • Why would he or should have to do that? This author of this article is the one making affirmative statistical claims and therefore carries the burden of presenting credible evidence.

      • I love the amount of men on this site that go UP IN ARMS over the idea that porn can be addicting, because, you know, THEY watch porn and aren’t addicted, therefore it is a feminist conspiracy.

        But you tell them that alcohol can be addicting and that there are studies that show a person can become addicted to alcohol, these same men don’t even bat an eye. They take this information at face value.. ALL WHILE DRINKING A BEER! But wait!? isn’t this some feminist conspiracy to keep men from drinking alcohol!?

        It is sad that it seems men get MORE upset over something when it involves their USE of women for their own ends (abortion, pornography, strip clubs, birth control) than when it has to do SOLEY with a man’s sexuality that doesn’t directly involve a woman (masterbation, condoms, vasectomies, men’s shelters etc)

        I think it says a lot about the need for men to control women, not necessarily because they are women, but because they happen to have what men want.

        • A few people (one being a women at that) who question and point out the problems with the data is hardly being “up in arms” as you say.

          Try 5?

    • Tom Brechlin says:

      Would Alexa research, NRC,PBS, WordTracker, Google, and MSNBC. Be acceptable? If it is then…
      Adult Internet Porn Statistics

      Men admitting to accessing pornography at work 20%
      US adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites 40 million
      Promise Keeper men who viewed pornography in last week 53%
      Christians who said pornography is a major problem in the home 47%
      Adults admitting to Internet sexual addiction 10%
      Breakdown of male/female visitors to pornography sites 72% male – 28% female

      Children’s Exposure to Pornography

      Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography 11 years old
      Largest consumer of Internet pornography 12-17 age group
      15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures 80%
      8-16 year olds having viewed porn online 90% (most while doing homework)
      7-17 year olds who would freely give out home address 29%
      7-17 year olds who would freely give out email address 14%

      • No those would not be allowed as evadance. They amount to nothing more then someone said. If Google can be trusted why not Facebook? Am I really going to die in 7 days if I don’t forward that email?

        • Tom Brechlin says:

          Although anecdotal, the 15 years that I’ve worked with adolescents in a residential setting, I can safely say that the wide majority of over 90% were exposed to pornography before their teen years. And if I recall correctly, some as early as age 7.

  14. Comment still not published?

  15. Not an addict says:

    As they say, the plural of anecdote is not data:

    http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/porn-addictive-theres-no-proof

  16. What about the known fact that online pornography is highly correlated with a decrease in rape rates?

    “A 10 percent increase in Net access yields about a 7.3 percent decrease in reported rapes.” – http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/everyday_economics/2006/10/how_the_web_prevents_rape.html

    • Correlation is not causation, and the link is spurious at best, not to mention the fact that we’re talking REPORTED sexual violence, which we all know is just about the worst possible measure of rates of sexual violence that we can find.

      • Correlation is not causation

        And if only the author of this article and its supporters could remember this when lecturing about the associated evils of pornography.

        the link is spurious at best

        The interviewed academic in the Slate article does at least attempt some plausible explanations for a connection between internet pornography use and decreased sexual violence, which is more than anyone can say about the questionable, sectarian links originating from “Promise Keepers” or Albert Mohler.

        not to mention the fact that we’re talking REPORTED sexual violence, which we all know is just about the worst possible measure of rates of sexual violence that we can find

        Studying and quantifying sexual violence has to start somewhere, and I would think we would start with the sexual assaults that we actually know about, and then we can to try to conjecture about the extent and reach of unreported sexual violence.

        Do you know of any evidence or statistics that say that reported sexual violence and unreported sexual violence are inversely proportional? That is, is there evidence to suggest that if reported rapes decease, then unreported rapes must correspondingly increase to either maintain or increase the net total amount of sexual violence? (which is what you seem to be implying when you disparage the significance of the reported decrease)

    • The problem with that is we can’t know if its even related. They very well might be down because people were to cought up in a game of world of Warcraft or something. finding trustworthy information is really hard. At the end of the day we really don’t know one way or the other. What we do know however is people feel shame over sex and people are always out to control others sex.

  17. Dan, it appears to me that you regained control of your own sexuality and set the terms for it by your own rules. Not the rules of other people. Not the rules of the porn industry and the pornographers that play on your physical and emotional feelings toward women. And that is an extremely attractive quality. It is a quality I would love to see build up in men and women.

    I also don’t think you’re the exception when it came to how porn was making you feel Dan. I think you are the rule.

    This addiction is much bigger in our society than we presently care to admit. It seems so obvious to me I get utterly stunned people actually think porn addiction is “rare”. Just look at our country in general. Obese, unhealthy, less active, in-debt, more judgmental as we scream at each other on the internet..and yet somehow people believe that people have their pornography under-control when just about anyone I’ve ever talked to about this admits that pornography has grown more hard? So the pornography has grown more hardcore but how we handle it has grown more healthy? Does that make sense to anyone? It doesn’t make sense to me.

    Other than the fact that most people see porn at young ages; dugs, alcohol and even actual sex are all things you have to actively pursue outside your home to achieve. Porn isn’t. It’s free with your internet connection. It’s easy. It’s around 24/7. Its huge. So huge, I don’t think we’ve come to a point in our internet journey where we are truly prepared to admit the impact we’ve let internet pornography have on us individually and as a society. It’s affecting loving mothers, loving fathers, little girls, little boys, grandmothers, grandfathers, babysitters, lawyers, doctors, ballerinas….everyone. But I do think men have an edge in being more susceptible to the affects of porn than women since a greater chunk of porn is specifically created to cater to men.

    One way this appears to me is that there was a time only a few short 5-7 years ago when even hearing about choking, slapping or spitting on a woman was abnormal. Shocking even. It’s not shocking anymore to anyone. The happy, everyone’s just having fun porn of the 70s is mostly non-existent now. And when it exists, as Dan pointed out, it’s called “female friendly”. Yet even in “female friendly” porn, most of the women lean to a certain age and body type that further reminds women that their worth is primarily in their looks, bodies and age.

    Today people shrug their shoulders and seem to believe that sexual violence specifically toward women is just simply something men and women both like. And it’s true, there are people that do enjoy it. But I am not prepared to believe that it’s normal that women and men glorify sexual violence specifically toward in the growing way I see in our media. And yes, there are women who unfortunately glorify their own abuse. It’s become justified to call women names and slap them around for sexual fulfillment. You can choke, spit on and slap women for pleasure. There is no other social group I know of that you can justify choking, spiting on or slapping for simply being whatever social group they are a part of. Imaging enjoying seeing Jewish people choked, spit on or slapped and it brought you pleasure? That would be seen as anti-semitic (and for good reason). Imagine doing those kind of things specifically toward African-Americans or Muslims? Imagine even seeing regular imagery of women choking, spitting on and slapping men? (Yes, I know this porn exists but not nearly to the degree the reverse does). Imagine someone who gets pleasure from spitting on, choking or slapping animals? All these would be considered an act of hate. Yet when it comes to porn and it comes to women, its somehow defended as some kind of twisted act of love for women. Or it’s defended because hey, women simply enjoy their own sexual abuse right?

    As a woman, it’s a hard thing to come to terms with. It’s a hard thing to see how much material out there is built on your lack of worth that you know good men are enjoying these things. Enjoying see women chalked up to living, never aging sex toy.

    I am also suspicious of how often we try to have these conversations about porn but than take, what seems to me, two steps back by making quickly self reassuring comments like “most people aren’t addicted to porn though” and “not all porn is bad!” What are we afraid of by saying that people infact very well may be addicted to porn more times than not? What are we afraid of in saying that yeah, hello, alot of porn is bad. We aren’t saying men are bad. We aren’t saying women are bad.We need to disassociate ourselves from what we see is happening in porn and remind ourselves that saying porn is bad is not the same thing as saying we are bad.

    I am leary of arguments that suggest that people still feel guilty over masturbation due to religion. It is too easy to blame religion. It becomes to neat little tidy bundle that you can push in the corner and not explore the complexities of the issue. People continue to blame religion as the root of their sexual issues despite the fact that religion has been on the decline in our country for a long time and most people don’t even attend church. Perhaps are issues concerning porn have absolutely nothing to do with religion and more with a deep seeded understanding that “this is not how sex and our involvement with sex should truly be.”

    Lastly, Dan set a challenge for himself to learn about himself. I ask that any man reading this consider challenging themselves to the same challenge and simply not look at porn for a certain length of time. Examine your feelings, your troubles, if it’s having a change in you or not. And if you want to go back to viewing porn, go ahead. But take the time to see what life is like without using porn as a supplement and explore that part and experience for yourself like Dan did. You might find it had no impact and you might find that it has.

    I find so many men say that they don’t need porn in their lives but so few are actually willing to not look at it for a certain period of time.

    I personally long for the day when I don’t have to contend with pornography anymore. When it can once again be about two people in a relationship. Not her, him and his porn and the harem of girls he keeps stashed in his mind and heart for later reviewing. I long for the day to see men leave porn behind and come back to being present in their own lives for their own well being and present in the lives of the women who care about them. To see them care about learning about real women instead of supplementing what they want women to be with their fantasies.

  18. “It’s a hard thing to see how much material out there is built on your lack of worth that you know good men are enjoying these things.”

    Umm… It’s a hard thing to see that you still consider men who watch this shit as “good”..

    The whole point is.. They AREN’T good men. Good people don’t get off on the torture of others. We call these people sadists. That’s what these people are. Sadists.

    GOOD people don’t enjoy the toture of others. therefore these men aren’t GOOD. It’s a simple matter of definitions and the true meaning of words.

    • The whole point is.. They AREN’T good men.

      Well, since these are bad degenerate men whom you and Erin would want to avoid, then these bad men shouldn’t be concerned about meeting yours or Erin’s standards.

      • Megalodon, I don’t agree with Lynn’s assertion and I would appreciate you not saying I do since I was specifically clear about saying even good men view porn. Maybe next time you could engage me in conversation if you have a question about my view?

        • I was being facetious in response to Lynn’s denunciation. Though considering the way you describe and judge all pornography and its influence, it is somewhat hard to believe you think male persons who view it can still be “good.”

          • Megalodon, of course I judge pornography. You say that as if judging pornography is somehow reprehensible in some way. I judge it harshly because pornography is a huge body of entertainment that has lavished extreme, sometimes even cruel, judgements on women. Can you understand at all why a woman might feel that way?

            Sometimes even the most “kindest”, “gentlest” porn still shows some social stereotypes about how society values women.

            And this is largely what I don’t understand about this discussion. It’s not uncommon for a man to respond to negative comments toward porn by being porn’s advocate. Many men appear worried about defending pornography, worried, like you, about the judgements being made about them or porn, as people who enjoy porn; over thinking about how much actual porn has become this huge judgement on women. Maybe I’m wrong but I want men to be our advocates, not porn advocates.

            Now this might be the part where we talk about how much diverse porn exists out there. Except, I don’t think all that much diverse porn exists out there. Sub-categories of interest exist in small numbers. Even then, they are still chalked full of stereotypes. The “MILF” category is often used as a positive example of age diversity. Yet the “MILF” category is really just mainly about 25-30 year old women.

            The vast majority of the porn men specifically want to view is about women who fit into a very narrowly defined parameter. Secondly, if your immediate reaction to hearing my concerns about porn is to say “put not all porn is bad”, than this ties back to my belief of becoming bigger advocates for pornography over women. It also points to the idea that we want to ignore the overwhelming amount of porn that is infact negative and pretend no one is looking at it in favor of whatever one may think is “good porn”. I really don’t know many people who would argue that the vast amount of porn is “good” yet it’s rare to find men that want to address the points of porn that are unhealthy. And because of that, we never ask ourselves why there is such a huge majority of negative porn.

            If an African-American person, a Jewish person, a homosexual or transgender person said something made them feel belittled, we’d hear them out. We’d have to because when we don’t have the same experience as someone else, we have to take it for their word that some of our actions or society’s actions may, even unintentionally, make them feel belittled. But that never happens in the discussion surrounding porn. Men feel judged and worry about porn being judged because it’s been an active part of their lives since boyhood. But they don’t appear to worry about how women feel judged. Often times women are left on their own to face all the ways they are judged by society and possibly even by the men they are having relationships with against this fantasy land that primarily remains about what men want women to be. Not who women really are. And often, to me, it seems what men want women to be are these caricatures of themselves, not a true real person, in fantasy land. It would be nice to see men want to be more engaged with who women really are instead of feeling the need to escape into a fantasy world.

            Now going back to the concept of “good” and what “good” men are. Of course even good men look at porn. Good men even look at degrading porn. “Goodness” and “perfectness” are not the same. And this ties back to Lynn’s post as well because I’m using this as a response to her too.

            Pornography has created the perfect breeding ground to ensnare all kinds of people. Today we have a large pool of sexual material at our finger tips that we do not have to be accountable for to anyone to watch. And oftentimes, people are being exposed to material they may have never wanted to see or thought of before. And that exposure will either excite them or disgust them and sometimes even both. And they won’t even understand why they are turned on by some things. It’s not because they are horrible people. It’s because they are just people. Our human brain and chemicals do not differentiate between ideas of “good” and “bad”. And as long as something excites our bodies or minds, it will try and go back for that same feeling possibly trying to even up the dosage even when it may be at odds with what we believe about ourselves. Our bodies also don’t differentiate between “scary exciting”, “sexy exciting” or any other kind of “exciting”. All it knows is that it shoots an injection of dophmaine into our system.

            So yes, good men can look at porn and can even look at degrading porn. But just because good men can look at porn, even degrading porn, that doesn’t mean I think their relationship with themselves, their sexuality and most certainly not with women, is 100% healthy. Being a “good person” and being a totally “healthy person”, especially in all areas of life, are not mutually exclusive.

            I’ve seen men open doors for women, show great kindness and compassion, care about their mothers and doing right by them, save lives, do volunteer work only to turn to porn and use it as an outlet for letting completely go of the things they pride themselves on in the daylight hours. People, men, are complex. These are men who pride themselves on treating others well and even showing respect to women. But when no one is looking, when it’s just that person and their porn, it’s an entirely different world.

            There is a lot of brokenness when it comes to porn use and men AND women’s beliefs about men, women and sex. Especially as women have gained more equality in the world, pornography as seemed to take on a more degrading turn.

            We need to figure out why good men look at hard porn, what it gives them, what it feeds inside them, how they contend with their porn use in the face of the women and girls who are a part of their lives. What their fundamental beliefs about women and girls are and how they separate themselves from both the women in their lives and separate themselves from their pornography at the same time as they stand balancing both sides.

            Men have fall victim to the lies pornography has told them about their own sexual identity and women’s sexual identity. Because pornography whispered a lie into their ear. A lie that said “this is how you can have complete control of your own body.” When the truth was that men where giving away their control to the ideas of pornographers and directors that built a business specifically around knowing men’s deepest weaknesses and deepest desires.

            • Of course even good men look at porn. Good men even look at degrading porn. “Goodness” and “perfectness” are not the same.

              I suppose they are not the same, but normally, if a person commits wrongful acts that reach a certain level, then those acts may nullify their benign attributes and they have forfeited the label of good.

              If a man is a gambler and a spendthrift, we may think of his vices as mere character foibles and believe he may still be essentially “good.” If a man is a child molester, we usually think he is not “good,” even if he did a lot of charity work, was nice to his grandparents, or had other positive traits. In cases like that, we think wrongful acts of such severity now preclude any possible label of “good” and determine the person’s identity for the worse.

              You describe pornography and viewing pornography as such an egregious, brazen, fundamental, and metaphysical degradation of women, that I am surprised that you think a male person who views it can still possibly qualify as “good” under your own standards. Your allowance that male persons who use pornography can still possibly be “good” does not seem believable given the force and vehemence of your denunciation of pornography.

              Or perhaps you think that male persons who view pornography are presumably defective and damaged people who are to be pitied and can only achieve normal human function by purging their minds of any sexual interests that deviate from your theory of proper conjugal relations. And that hypothesis is…kind of even more insulting than condemning pornography users as willfully evil.

            • Hi Erin – I feel you are building a false narrative around porn and men. It’s best to directly ask men why they use pornography rather than supposing “the whispering of a false lie” into their consciousness.

              Putting aside the few aberrations, I feel most men can easily distinguish between porn and real life. They don’t walk around in meat space assuming women are wanton starlets that need to be sprayed with cum at every turn. The distinction between fantasy and reality is a relatively easy task for the majority of people and porn is not some special exception that distorts human behavior by implanting itself into the limbic system.

              The fantasy of domination and submission spans many genres, including gay porn, and the common denominator is not women, but rather the fantasy of losing control. There are 10 submissive for every dominator, and we women actively partake in that fantasy by the entertainment choices we make – the romance porn industry dwarfing explicit sexual porn in dollar value. We don’t query ourselves about the men and sons in our lives when we buy every copy of 50 Shades off the shelf.

              I feel the evidence is fairly clear. Almost everyone has used, seen, masturbated to some form of porn over their life, and most near everyone remains good at heart. Our collective empathy is growing, not shrinking, and the signs for this phenomenon are everywhere. The snare of fantasy and porn is a conservative/religious myth that has no basis in truth.

            • Megalodon, we all participate in a social moral hierarchy, we all have a personal code of ethics we strive to live by. Consider a sliding scale of some kind where we all fall on it at different points, at different times. There are always going to be things we consider less offensive and things we consider more offensive.

              You’ve inferred several times now that what I’m saying is not what I truly believe. I’ve been nothing but sincere and open about my view point while maintaining what I believe to be respect for our conversation, as well as respect for men and women. I have no reason or possible motive to lie. This is an open forum and none of us know each other.

              I’m at a complete lose by the suggestion that I said anything about men “purging their minds of any sexual interest”. Men have a wonderful, beautiful, powerful sexuality that excels way beyond and over pornography. It’s time for men to see that. I think Dan’s article showcases that.

              Any belief on your part about “proper conjugal relations” that you attempted to prescribe to my mind-frame is purely conjecture on your part. I asked you previously to simply ask me something if you don’t understand my view point. But you persist in not asking questions and throwing out wildly wrong accusations.

              You continue to focus on defending pornography. Based on the strong words you’ve used to describe what you believe to be my viewpoint, “egregious”, “brazen”, “vehmence”, I get the impression that believing porn is largely degrading to women has somehow made you feel attacked.

              Can you or can you not understand why a woman like me can believe that

            • we all participate in a social moral hierarchy, we all have a personal code of ethics we strive to live by

              Indeed, but you don’t qualify your moral hierarchy with a disclaimer of “personal” subjectivity, because you hint and claim that your conception of proper sexual interaction free of pornography is valid, natural, and “deep seeded” and that people who deviate from that are possibly aberrant, when you say

              Perhaps are issues concerning porn have absolutely nothing to do with religion and more with a deep seeded understanding that “this is not how sex and our involvement with sex should truly be.”

              In other words, you claim that your “’social moral hierarchy” is closer to what “sex should truly be.”

              You’ve inferred several times now that what I’m saying is not what I truly believe.

              No, I think you truly do believe what you are saying with regard to pornography. Though I have my own theory about the foundation of your beliefs and their extent and implication.

              I’ve been nothing but sincere and open about my view point while maintaining what I believe to be respect for our conversation, as well as respect for men and women.

              One can maintain a decorum and civility within an exchange (which I appreciate and try to do myself), but that does not necessarily mean that the arguments and statements exchanged are actually “respectful” in the substantive sense. When you and Mahle suggest that male persons who view pornography are maintaining and contributing to a culture of violence, degradation, and misogyny, that does seem to constitute an indictment and allegation against those who refuse to accept your admonitions. You have every right to make such arguments, and you can even try to do so in a decorous and cordial manner. But you don’t have the right to dictate how people are supposed to react or respond to your arguments.

              I’m at a complete lose by the suggestion that I said anything about men “purging their minds of any sexual interest”…Any belief on your part about “proper conjugal relations” that you attempted to prescribe to my mind-frame is purely conjecture on your part.

              I did not just say “purging their minds of any sexual interest.” I said that your moral argument compels men to purge “their minds of any sexual interests that deviate from your theory of proper conjugal relations.” You would permit men to have “sexual interest” but only in what you designate as its proper place. And I do not have to blindly conjecture about what your theory of proper conjugal relations is. You explained it when you said

              I personally long for the day when I don’t have to contend with pornography anymore. When it can once again be about two people in a relationship. Not her, him and his porn and the harem of girls he keeps stashed in his mind and heart for later reviewing.

              Let’s leave aside the fact that your conjugal conception excludes things like consensual polyamory or other non-monogamous sexual interactions.

              You seem to think that a male person has a duty to concentrate all his sexual interest and sexual consciousness on his one female consort (assuming he has one). You suggest that if a male person imagines or sexually fantasizes about female entities other than his consort, it constitutes some kind of betrayal and degradation of his consort. Here you are speaking in the context of pornography and presumably you are referring to a “harem of girls” he viewed on pornographic media. However, there is reason to suspect that your theory of proper conjugal relations goes even farther than condemning fantasies originating from pornography. On another thread showing pictures of men who reacted to seeing brides on wedding days, you said of the reacting men:

              It’s sweet, but I’m too jaded for this to really touch my heart. I keep thinking about al lthe other women they have and will check out in the course of their relationship and think about sleeping with.

              And then you said…

              What would be really interesting is to see these pictures next to pictures of the same men looking at other women or even at porn and see how their expressions compare.

              http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/photos-of-guys-blown-away-by-their-beautiful-brides-hesaid/

              In that instance, you were not just speaking in the context of pornography. You were referring to men’s generic gazing and fantasizing throughout the course of their lives. So presumably, if a male person in a conjugal relationship ever views and fantasizes about another female person in the course of his relationship, whether it is some real person he passes by in the street or somebody in a Facebook photo, he has committed a sad and rank betrayal. Your longings and complaints about the minds of men help us to infer about the theory of conjugal relations you want men to comply with. It is not enough for you that male persons avoid physical acts of adultery or infidelity. Apparently, you think male persons must maintain a total mental fidelity to their female consorts by abjuring from any sexual fantasy or sexual ideation that involves any persons or entities other than their consort. This, I think explains a large part about your denunciation of pornography and other male sexual diversions. I know some people say things like “I only have eyes for you” or say that they become blind to anyone else when they allegedly meet “the one,” but that is usually just sentimental hyperbole. Insisting that men try to enforce that kind of mental sexual exclusivity as a moral imperative strikes me as…totalitarian.

              You say that “religion has been on the decline in our country for a long time.” Perhaps, but that does not prevent remnant ideologies and precepts from religion from continuing to affect and influence human thinking. You seem to think the injunction against “committing adultery in one’s heart” is a serious, non-negotiable rule (at least for male persons).

              Men have a wonderful, beautiful, powerful sexuality that excels way beyond and over pornography. It’s time for men to see that.

              Maybe. But whether or not male sexuality is “beautiful,” my point was that you seem to think that the only way it can be worthy and good is if it follows your directive and eschews pornography (and probably other practices you condemn). Well, perhaps some people (male or female) think that their sexuality can still be “wonderful” or “beautiful” while still encompassing and employing pornography or other varieties of “sexual mimesis.” Some people think certain kinds of sexual congress and penetration are inherently disgusting and brutal, while others think they are acts of beauty and affection. Different conceptions of sexual subjectivity which are probably irreconcilable.

              You continue to focus on defending pornography.

              What I am focusing on is an attempt to compel people to modify aspects of their personal sexual existence to conform to other person’s moral visions and conceptions based upon questionable empirical evidence. And in your case, a pretty far-reaching, semi-utopian vision of reforming male sexual consciousness to exclusively fixate upon whatever female person graces them with a relationship.

              I get the impression that believing porn is largely degrading to women has somehow made you feel attacked.

              Um, well, if you say that a certain activity is harmful to women and that those who engage in it are contributing to the harm against women, then, that does seem like an attack and indictment against such people. Either you think they choose to do evil or don’t know what they are doing, both of which are pejorative and unfavorable judgments about them. You could very well be correct, but please don’t shy away from calling it an attack.

              Can you or can you not understand why a woman like me can believe that

              Sure, I can “understand” how you or somebody else formed a belief. That does not mean anyone is obliged to change their personal, consensual conduct to conform to your belief. You seem to be aware how many male persons develop unhealthy and pejorative attitudes about female persons, but that does not mean you are obliged to modify your mind and behavior to conform and fit around their beliefs.

            • Megalodon, clearly you’re earlier denunciation of Lynn with me was not “facetious” at all.

              *Every* single response here is based on “personal subjectivity”, you included. You appear to have decided that my “personal subjectivity” must come with an extra special disclaimer that you haven’t even applied to yourself or others.

              Please notice your use of “us” implies your response to not just your beliefs but also x amount of individuals all making the same judgments about me. Speak for yourself. Let other people come to their own conclusions.

              The comment on “social moral hierarchy” was in response to your query about the morality of someone’s “goodness” based on their actions. You mentioned a charity driven child molester. My response to that query was about how we all live by a code of ethics that outlines fundamental, human ideology. Everyone has a moral code. It’s not specific to me or to you. Having morals isn’t a four letter word.

              *You* are the one who claimed that “social moral hierarchy” is closer to what “sex should truly be”. I have no idea what link you were attempting to draw there. Unless you are implying that I think sex and sexuality should have morals included. Which I do, of course! Sex is a deeply personal thing and there should be a code of ethics followed when it comes to sex. That’s just basic human dignity.

              Talking about my sincereness is only to show you that I don’t say things just to say them. They hold weight and merit and I do my best to express them respectfully. You continue to ignore what I’m saying to you infavor of your own, pre-formed opinion. You said that I’m trying to dictate to you how to react and respond? Wrong. I’m simply pointing out that despite the fact that I’ve addressed your questions several times, you continue to ask the same ones and insinuate the same things. You don’t appear to take much stock or have much respect for what I said because you ignore it in favor of repeating your own prejudices about me.

              Clearly you’ve followed my comments closely enough to know where to draw quotes from. I don’t know if I’m honored or what.

              I have a personal belief regarding human life and subsequently our relationships with each other. You touched on it a little bit here and there but you put your own spin on it so it really wasn’t an accurate representation of *me*. It was simply a representation of what *you* think of me.

              My belief is human beings are so much more than our physical bodies. Our physical bodies have various demands but so do our emotional/spiritual selves too. We aren’t just walking, living, talking bodies.

              The world set up a system that said the physical body was the most important thing over anything else. What we can see, what is visual is more important simply by default of it’s visibility. And because our society largely believes the physical and visible are the most important aspects of ourselves, we place too much of an importance on our physical selves. I think this is fundamentally an unhealthy way to live but it’s a popular one in our culture.

              So because we don’t just love with our bodies, why would we expect only physical loyalty to each other? We love with our minds, spirits, hearts, souls..whatever you want to call it.

              So yeah, I believe mental control, spiritual control is just as important as physical control. We love with our minds, spirits and bodies. We should strive to be consistent with our dedication within all these aspects.

              Working on controlling our mind is 10 times harder than working on our body. And we haven’t reach a state of awareness yet to realize how much control we can and do have over our minds. People who regularly meditate will understand what I’m saying because mediation is about being quiet in your own mind and practicing mental control.

              Now do I expect perfection? Heck no. We have all kinds of thoughts that fly through our mind daily. I understand men will think and look at other women. But I want to them to at least try. It’s like men have given up any notion of control. With porn out there 24/7, the second a man feels something in his pants, he just acts on in some way, even if it’s something like masturbation, that’s still “acting on” something.

              It doesn’t so much concern me that there will be times when men think about other women. What concerns me is the complete lack of even trying anymore. I think this is something the author of this article has reclaimed for himself. And his story isn’t a rare one. There are a lot of men that have gone on his journey.

              Being too prudit with our sexuality isn’t healthy. But either is this free for all we are currently got going on in our culture.

              You said that my views sound totalitarian to you. But I never said *I* wanted to control anything. I never have ever told a man not to look at porn even though I do really wish more men would turn away from porn. I don’t want to be the one that has to stand over a man’s shoulder just so he does something. Heck no. There is nothing attractive about that from my viewpoint or his. I want men who wan to to do it themselves. It has to come from inside him. I want men who want to foster better and healthier relationships with women.

              Now if you want to talk about “totally” or “completely” putting yourself into something. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. When someone 100% puts themselves into something, they are committed, they are loyal, they believe in what they are doing. They want to respect, honor and stand up for that thing 100%. They have passion and drive for whatever thing they go 100% into.

              And that’s pretty cool.

              Women have been taught by society to not expect too much. Don’t be too demanding or needy. Think about others before yourself. Just accept the fact that men need porn in their lives to remain happy in some boring old committed monogamous relationshp. So much so that a lot of young girls and women out there forgo any kind of standards just to get some crumbs some man will give them. Because a couple of crumbs from something is better than no crumbs at all.

              So yea, darn straight I want men to get back to being 100% committed to the present. To real women. To themselves. Call the armed guards! A woman just wants to see men be present and available and caring toward real women! How things are currently going, I certainly don’t see more understanding between men and women.

              You said, “if you say that a certain activity is harmful to women and that those who engage in it our contributing to the harm against women, then, that does seem like an attack and indictment against such people.”

              I don’t want to make men feel attacked. I just want men to understand what it can be like. How do you prepose women should try to talk to men about something she may truly feels sends harmful messages about women? How do you talk to men about something that largely represents women in such a way that fulfills men’s fantasy of women but often can make women feel belittled, demeaned, or just make regular women feel forgotten? Most porn is made for men by men.

              You’re upset because you feel like even mentioning these things is an attack on men. You don’t want men to be shamed. But in this conversation you never once addressed the way pornography shames women pretty darn regularly.

            • Megalodon, clearly you’re earlier denunciation of Lynn with me was not “facetious” at all.

              Of course it was. I just don’t typically type audible laughter.

              *Every* single response here is based on “personal subjectivity”, you included.

              Perhaps, but I am not demanding that all good and righteous persons must copy and enact my “personal subjectivity” even when they are alone and even within their secret thoughts and heart of hearts.

              You appear to have decided that my “personal subjectivity” must come with an extra special disclaimer that you haven’t even applied to yourself or others.

              Not necessarily “must,” but I thought it would be helpful and probative to reveal other beliefs and notions which seem to undergird your criticisms of pornography and other male sexual thoughts. That way, persons receiving and evaluating your assertions might have a fuller picture and may want to consider what they are signing onto when they sympathize with your conclusions.

              As for what disclaimers I have or have not applied to myself, I do not know what you mean or what you think I have omitted.

              Speak for yourself. Let other people come to their own conclusions.

              Even from a cursory scan of this discussion thread, I can tell that other people strongly dispute your premises and conclusions, be they empirical or moral. Maybe some share reasons similar to mine, maybe some for totally different reasons. And everyone and anyone are fully free to speak up and say what they think of your arguments. You do not only speak of yourself as you repeatedly invoke “women” in your criticisms of pornography, saying how a plural amount of “women” feel degraded and devalued by men’s use of pornography. I do not begrudge your use of the collective and plural. I am sure lots of female persons agree with your sentiments. And I am sure lots of female persons don’t. One named Elissa even responded to you here.

              Everyone has a moral code. It’s not specific to me or to you. Having morals isn’t a four letter word.

              No, not usually. But when one person demands that other people should adopt and enact her moral code (even within their private minds and imaginations) or be considered enablers of misogyny and violence, then personal “moral codes” rightfully begin to take on complications and controversy and are rightfully subject to dispute and response. Not to say that it is always incorrect to suggest such things, but the objections may be more numerous and credible.

              *You* are the one who claimed that “social moral hierarchy” is closer to what “sex should truly be”. I have no idea what link you were attempting to draw there.

              What I was saying is that you are not simply arguing that people should avoid pornography because you personally think it is a bad and harmful thing under your personal moral standards. You said:

              Perhaps are issues concerning porn have absolutely nothing to do with religion and more with a deep seeded understanding that “this is not how sex and our involvement with sex should truly be.”

              You are suggesting that people who use pornography are detracting or corrupting from what “sex should truly be” and that their exercise of sexuality involving pornography is bad and incorrect. By implication, that means people who follow your advice and foreswear pornography are possibly closer to what “sex should truly be” and are closer to achieving the true and valid “involvement with sex.” You did not qualify your statement by saying “this is just how I think sex and our involvement with sex should be.” You are making some claim of knowing the true and authentic purpose of sex and saying which persons conform and which persons deviate, and using that claim to accuse and indict.

              Sex is a deeply personal thing

              Personally, I would agree. But certain pride parades, BDSM demonstrations, and device exhibitions would suggest that a lot of people do not view sexual activity as strictly personal.

              Talking about my sincereness is only to show you that I don’t say things just to say them. They hold weight and merit and I do my best to express them respectfully.

              Yes, but if you invoke and submit your personal sincerity, then others are perhaps permitted to scrutinize and evaluate your personal intentions and motivations as well and draw other conclusions if they wish. That’s not to dispute that your sincerity. However, just because your statements are sincere does not mean we are obliged to agree that your statements are good and correct.

              You continue to ignore what I’m saying to you infavor of your own, pre-formed opinion…You don’t appear to take much stock or have much respect for what I said because you ignore it in favor of repeating your own prejudices about me.

              I have not ignored what you said. It is just that most of what you said, while since, I find to be irrelevant. I do not doubt that you find pornography to be a malign and harmful thing which causes you and many other people distress, even though you yourself are not seeking or consuming it. But that is not a compelling trump in my opinion. A sexually conservative person may sincerely claim that it causes him anguish and distress to know that gay pride parades occur in his town, even if he doesn’t personally attend them. However, even if his purported anguish and distress are sincere and significant for him, I don’t think that adds up to compelling reason to exhort people not to have gay pride parades. Likewise, the fact that you and other persons claim to be anguished and distressed because some male person somewhere privately views pornography and masturbates to it does not seem to add up to a compelling reason to admonish that person, even if your anguish and distress are 100% genuine.

              And my opinion is not “pre-formed” nor is it “prejudice.” I only formed my opinion after reading many posts and arguments submitted by you. On that basis, I think my opinion is justified.

              Clearly you’ve followed my comments closely enough to know where to draw quotes from. I don’t know if I’m honored or what.

              If I simply claimed that you said something without providing evidence, you might simply deny you ever said it.

              My belief is human beings are so much more than our physical bodies.

              I also believe that. Which is why I hold the physical body in contempt and yearn for the day when the human mind and consciousness can be transferred to an inorganic medium and perhaps exist indefinitely without the taint of flesh and its attendant problems (which include this controversy).

              So yeah, I believe mental control, spiritual control is just as important as physical control. We love with our minds, spirits and bodies. We should strive to be consistent with our dedication within all these aspects.

              Okay, now, I really don’t think that I misrepresented or inaccurately summarized your views about the duty of male mental conjugal fidelity. You just seem to think that your conception is good and laudable and should be emulated. Just like some people think absolute devotion and obeisance to a religion or ideology to be beautiful and numinous, while others may find it all consuming and horrific.

              People who regularly meditate will understand what I’m saying because mediation is about being quiet in your own mind and practicing mental control.

              If people wish to meditate and such, they have every right to do so. That does not necessarily mean that every person in a relationship (or attempted relationship) is obligated to adopt pseudo-Buddhist mental-sexual control to satisfy a minimal standard of decency.

              the second a man feels something in his pants, he just acts on in some way, even if it’s something like masturbation, that’s still “acting on” something.

              Well, in all fairness, you think it is condemnable betrayal whether or not the arousing stimuli come from pornography or real life, and whether or not the man masturbates to the thought of the stimuli. Your moral judgment is probably similar to the Catholic Church’s rule about when sexual thought constitutes mortal sin, that is, sexual thoughts that are deliberately “entertained” and permitted in the mind constitute mortal sin. While you may not believe in mortal sin, you seem to believe that if a man deliberately entertains a sexual fantasy about somebody other than his one consort, then he has committed condemnable betrayal of his consort. “Adultery in his heart!”

              It doesn’t so much concern me that there will be times when men think about other women. What concerns me is the complete lack of even trying anymore.

              It seemed to concern you on the bride viewing thread. And some people of either gender take issue with the idea that they must even “try” to control and sexually regulate their mind in the first place. And they may have a point.

              Being too prudit with our sexuality isn’t healthy. But either is this free for all we are currently got going on in our culture.

              Maybe, but some people claim to find life satisfaction in both of those extremes which you deride. Some people say they are happy having frequent sexual encounters with many people. Others say they are happy being celibate and monastic. And then there is the subject of supposedly asexual people.

              You said that my views sound totalitarian to you. But I never said *I* wanted to control anything.

              Just because you don’t want the state to force men away from pornography at gunpoint does not mean your views and arguments are not possibly totalitarian or otherwise objectionable. When certain churches and religions tell women that they must not have sex outside of marriage or use contraception and must always dote upon their husbands or else they will be considered sinful and debased, some people find those pronouncements to be bad and objectionable, even if the religion in question does not want to physically force women to comply with its rules. Likewise, even though you may not want to legally force men to avoid pornography but only compel them with moral suasion to comply with your rules of sexual conduct, that does not mean your position is unobjectionable.

              I don’t want to be the one that has to stand over a man’s shoulder just so he does something. Heck no. There is nothing attractive about that from my viewpoint or his.

              How sweet and charming. But it can be read another way. It isn’t enough or sufficient for you that a person restrains and controls himself to satisfy your rules and expectations. You apparently want somebody whose inclinations and impulses are already in accordance with your rules and demands without need for volition or active compliance. I suppose lots of people want that, but wanting something like that can veer to the point of wanting the other person to abolish his/her individuality and becoming a derivative entity. Most men who want that usually resort to buying one of those “Real Dolls.”

              http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/guys-and-dolls/

              I want men who wan to to do it themselves. It has to come from inside him. I want men who want to foster better and healthier relationships with women.

              And if it does not “come from inside him,” you may depart and look elsewhere. And if he finds your expectations unreasonable and imposing, he may do the same.

              Now if you want to talk about “totally” or “completely” putting yourself into something. That doesn’t sound too bad to me.

              Strange that you criticize pornography as a possible “addiction” but then go on to praise people who become 100% committed and obsessed with something else. Even the most dedicated persons usually have to balance their time with other, conflicting interests, whether it is money, sports, lechery, etc. And some people may want to dedicate close to 100% to pornography, and only just do other things to the extent that it is necessary to subsist and pay for their computer connection.

              But even in the context of a relationship, this can be disturbing. If a man tells a woman that he wants her to think of no other man but him, have no sexual fantasies about anybody but him, never consider having a relationship with anybody but him, and never engage in any sexual activity (even masturbation) without him or else he will consider her an unworthy and bad woman, some persons might consider that to be a domineering and abusive relationship that involves psychological control and colonization. Not necessarily a tender, connubial thing.

              Women have been taught by society to not expect too much.

              I am sure you think men’s magazines tell male persons to have bad and unrealistic expectations of female persons. And I generally agree. However, if you think women’s magazines and other female oriented only teach female persons to “not expect too much” and never judge and criticize male consorts (if they have any), then you must already have shut yourself off from popular culture.

              So much so that a lot of young girls and women out there forgo any kind of standards just to get some crumbs some man will give them. Because a couple of crumbs from something is better than no crumbs at all.

              So many female persons are actually that desperate? I thought being alone is better than being unhappy and treated shabbily? Perhaps they might be happier with a personal device.

              So yea, darn straight I want men to get back to being 100% committed to the present. To real women. To themselves.

              If men or women wish to lose themselves in sexual mimesis, then such is their right, and that may sometimes be a perfectly rational and sensible life decision. Even if it were not, I see no reason why any person of any gender should obey some kind of imperative to seek certain relations with other people.

              I don’t want to make men feel attacked.

              And not all men privately viewing pornography want women to feel “attacked” or otherwise “degraded,” but their intent does not seem to assuage your grievance.

              How do you prepose women should try to talk to men about something she may truly feels sends harmful messages about women?

              I suppose they could try asking if they feel so strongly about the matter. Some male persons, like John Stolteberg, may accept and submit to your message and try to spread its gospel. However, some persons will dismiss your argument and say that their private sexual matters are not your concern and that they are not going to reform their private sexual conduct simply because you are upset by it.

              And I would like to ask, would you ask this of all male persons, regardless of whether or not they sexually associated with female persons?

              Most porn is made for men by men.

              Probably, but then again, certain media which serve the same purpose for female persons are excluded from the definition of “pornography.” However, “Fifty Shades of Grey” and Harlequin romance novels certainly fill the same niche. And I really wonder if purchasers of vibrating devices are predominantly male.

              You’re upset because you feel like even mentioning these things is an attack on men. You don’t want men to be shamed. But in this conversation you never once addressed the way pornography shames women pretty darn regularly.

              If any person of any gender is ashamed because of the private consensual sexual decisions of another person, then I do not think there is much that can be done. If a woman is genuinely ashamed and distressed because men masturbate to pornography and the typical pornography makes her feel defective and inadequate, I do not think the answer is exhorting all men to abjure from pornography to spare her sensibility. If a man is ashamed and distressed because women masturbate with vibrators and the shape and size of these vibrators make him feel defective and inadequate, I do not think the answer is exhorting all women to not use vibrators or other personal devices. We are told that women do not wear certain clothing or garments just to tempt or frustrate men, and so women who were certain clothes should not be blamed for the temptation and frustration certain men claim to feel. Likewise, perhaps men do not use pornography just to vex and denigrate women, and so men should not be blamed for the vexation and denigration certain women claim to feel.

              If people are actually telling women that that should and must conform to pornographic standards and expectations, I think that is bad and wrong. However, I do not believe that viewing pornography by itself is tantamount or equivalent to that kind of pronouncement. Fantasizing and gratifying oneself to the thought of something is not the same as demanding that all real entities must emulate that object of fantasy. Most people do know how to distinguish between unreal idealizations and real life. If a male person wants female persons to meet his pornographic expectations (which they almost certainly will not), he can either modify his expectations (as most people do) or withdraw into pornography totally (which some people do). If a female person does not like the sexual expectations of another person, she can either ask that person to change its expectations or she can refuse interaction. However, the fact that society may not produce someone who can or will satisfactorily meet the sexual-relationship expectations of another person does not mean that that person is being shamed or oppressed.

            • As pornography becomes more widespread and endemic, it may not necessarily be such a dreadful development so far as women are concerned.

              In Japan, pornography and pornographic paraphernalia are much more entrenched and prolific within public and private culture. It doesn’t seem to have transformed males into rampaging psychopaths who attack any female person in sight. The pervasive pornography and mimetic media just seem to make male persons more…absent and timid. The general result seems to be that male and female persons tend to withdraw to separate spaces and interact much less.

              Women are freer to live their independent lives and subjectivities, pursuing educational and professional advancement without having to suffer male expectations and demands from a male consort. While men are freer to retreat into pornography and other fantasy should they wish to do so.

              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6w41ZWcwNj4

              http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/magazine/26FOB-2DLove-t.html?pagewanted=1

            • This seems redundant to me because it seems so obvious, but all that you described seems terribly unhealthy. Retreating into one’s fantasies is no way to live.

              Japan isn’t exactly a culture known for it’s respect of women anyway. Not to mention that many of the sexualized japanese cartoon characters are underaged girls disguised with over developed breasts.

            • Retreating into one’s fantasies is no way to live.

              Says you. People have the right to determine what ends and gratifications they wish to pursue. Being an intense athlete in a dangerous sport seems dangerous and unhealthy to me, but some people claim to find satisfaction and fulfillment in such activities. Some people think engaging in libertine sexuality is bad and unhealthy, but people supposedly have the right to pursue such consensual relations, and we must not engage in “slut shaming” of those individuals.

              Japan isn’t exactly a culture known for it’s respect of women anyway.

              Indeed, and neither is our culture, if you believe 80% of the articles posted here. But the point is, with more male persons effectively reducing or retreating from in-person heterosexual interaction, there are fewer instances in which Japanese female persons have to suffer any possible disrespect or oppression emanating from male persons, because more male persons are engaged in fake things.

              Not to mention that many of the sexualized japanese cartoon characters are underaged girls disguised with over developed breasts.

              There’s no surprise or mystery about that. But fixating upon grotesque cartoon adolescents is certainly better than fixating upon real adolescents or other real-life age-inappropriate persons.

            • Hi Erin,
              And oftentimes, people are being exposed to material they may have never wanted to see or thought of before. And that exposure will either excite them or disgust them and sometimes even both. And they won’t even understand why they are turned on by some things

              I think it’s around here somewhere that I don’t follow your line of reasoning anymore.
              Because you set up a scenario where a person is either excited or disgusted, but then you’ll go on and seemingly assume that everthing is exciting(?)

              I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but if I see something that I find disgusting, for instance choking, spitting or any kind of violence as you mentioned earlier, I won’t be excited by it, I won’t certainly try to go back and look at it again, and I guess (since I’m not that great at brain chemistry) that my brain won’t release any dopamine rush either.

            • Chemically, our bodies don’t distinguish between “sexually exciting” and “scarey/violent exciting”. To our bodies, it’s simply “exciting” so a release of chemcials happens.

              And while you may not be excited by those violent kind of things, there are lots of men who apparently are. There are probably even a lot of men who never thought they woudl be excited by those things but become excited by them.

    • My god if that is true then would you ever forgive someone who enjoyed that sexualy? Would you trust them with kids? I know I would not but I also know your not correct…

  19. I have a few questions.

    1: Were you self diagnosed or was it by a doctor?

    2:Was this caused by the porn itself or is this a form of Impulse control disorder like obsessive shopping or exercise?

    3: Considering your list of effect that include
    Violence Against Women, trivialization of rape, Numbness & Disembodiment, rape, abuse, suicide. Addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.\
    I would not trust a kid to be around someone who is using or has been addicted to heroin. Do you think a kid should be removed from someone using porn?

  20. The evidence for porn addiction is simply not present. Of course, spending too much time watching television, updating Facebook or a myriad of other seemingly addictive behaviors can impact the balance of our lives. This impact does not make something an addiction, except possibly in the eyes of the organizations marketing and making money off the new addictions and their “cures”.

    The cocaine-like dopamine burst idea of porn does not stand up to scrutiny when professionals such as neuroscientists get involved.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive

    Putting aside the porn addiction hyperbole, what remains is the morality and ethics of pornography. The good news is that in the near future, real live actors will probably no longer be needed (films may be fully simulated), and the hyperbole of “torture” occurring in San Fernando Valley – where the majority of porn is produced – will be relegated to the trash heap of cultural memes. Till then, the ethical choice for those that need to consume yet remain moral, might be the use of all male porn, for it seems men have a unique ability not to feel degraded and used while performing in front of a smartphone.

  21. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It helps to create a better understanding of those addicted to porn.

    While the DSM may not recognize sexual addiction, if a behavior is harming you and it’s controlling you and inducing obsessive behavior, addiction sounds like an appropriate moniker to me. Kind of like the difference between feeling depressed and experiencing clinical depression, perhaps there is a distinction to be made between clinical addiction and feeling addicted (and bearing the burdens that attach).

  22. If your argument is so bad you have to censor as much as you do… then you lack faith in that argument.

  23. Water Witch says:

    *waves at you from right across The Tacoma Narrows*

    I enjoyed reading about your experience and it felt good to hear such honesty spoken with boldness. It can be difficult at times for intent and action to ride in the same cart so it’s good to see your efforts in this. Best wishes to you!
    WW

  24. Cara Tabb says:

    My husband, although, he claims to be in recovery, cannot free himself from the shackles of the porn addiction. He walks around the home with his closely guarded tablet computer, always on it, at the expense of maintaining our home or having any intimate relations with me. When we do have any form of sex, it always has the form of me masturbsting him and then he usually finishes himself while talking ‘porn type’ scenarios of me having sex with other men. There is no love in the act at all or true intimacy and he prefers masturbation to intercourse.

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