The no contact rule is a period (generally 30–90) days where you refrain from contacting your ex immediately after a breakup.
No “one more conversation” for closure or micro attempts to talk to your ex. No double taps on social media, no emails, no reminders of an event from a year ago, no poems. NO CONTACT.
The second you break no contact, you have restarted the clock from 0. Don’t stop the progress you’ve made.
While people use no contact to get their ex back, I’ll show you why there are other benefits you aren’t thinking of that create the true value of the rule.
I talk to men and women in 1:1 conversations ranging from attachment style, self-help, and relationships to build a path forward.
Do you know what question frequently comes up? How do I get my ex back?
Before we get into it, I want you to know this article comes from a place of sympathy.
I know what it is like to be fresh out (or in limbo) of a relationship on the rocks or one you didn’t expect to end.
It creates a whirlwind of emotions, and you feel alone navigating it. Even worse, the person you usually open up and talk to is now out of the picture.
You wonder what the solution to the problem is. Go into a panic, text, and call so you can have closure and try your best for the next month to show your ex you’re a changed person.
Although I hope it is clear that I am joking, people do the series of actions above. Again, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. Most of us have been in your position before.
There is a path you can take that will produce a better result, and it is doing the exact opposite of your instinct.
Yes, the no-contact rule.
Me Myself and I
Before you read one more line of this article, I want you to highlight, get a pen and paper, make a voice note, and whip out the typewriter if you have to, so you don’t forget this message.
The no-contact rule is about you.
When I get questions about the no-contact rule, I know what people think beneath the surface.
How can I use this tool as a secret weapon to convince my ex to get back with me?
You wonder how long it will take, what they are doing during the break, and what convinces them to return.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart, but if you think that like that, you are not utilizing no-contact correctly, and if your ex returns, you won’t be prepared for it.
Use this time in three areas: spiritual, emotional, and physical health.
There was a life that existed before you met your ex, as cliche as that sounds.
When we lose a partner, the pain doesn’t all come from losing that person. It comes from losing the routine and the connection, and when those areas are affected, it creeps into our physical health.
I won’t force any more cliche ideas about rediscovering yourself upon you, but if your thought about no-contact isn’t directly on yourself, then you need to start this article from the start.
Cycle
Do you know what sucks about breakups?
You probably think the person who left is doing perfectly fine and their life is going well without you.
Guess what? It probably is…At first.
Tunde. That doesn’t make me feel better. Slow down.
When people break up, two cycles happen when you implement no contact.
You- beg and plead, go through emotional hurt, get curious about what they’re doing, start to feel better, and move on with your life.
If you implement no contact
Your ex- moves on with their life, feels better, gets curious about what you’re doing, goes through emotional hurt, and wants you back.
No contact “takes so long” because your ex has to go through that cycle.
If you constantly beg and reach out, you are not allowing them to go through that process. You’re starting the clock over.
Think about this when you are in doubt. If immediately after a breakup, I asked you, “How long will it be before you feel better?” You’d have no clue and couldn’t envision that day.
That’s what your ex will go through, starting from the opposite end.
Allow the cycle to happen without interrupting, let them come to you.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Do you want closure with your ex after a breakup?
I don’t want to be with you anymore.
There, closure.
I know that sounded harsh, but my message is the same one your ex gave you. The relationship is over.
Do you know the most attractive, responsible, and respectful response?
I understand, and I wish you the best.
No novel, no closeout talk, no love letter, let them go.
It shows that you have enough self-respect to let someone go who told you they no longer want to be in a relationship, and it shows they don’t have to fight you on a decision they made well before you had the conversation.
When someone ends a relationship with you, it feels like they’re heartless.
But
This person had to go through the emotional cycle of deciding to end a relationship with their partner and have a sit-down conversation about it, knowing it would hurt them. Think about that.
How do you think they feel when someone begs and pleads and fights them on that decision?
The old rags
I teach you about going on a self-growth journey, respect, and the cycle all to bring together one central thought.
Again, I want you to highlight, get a pen and paper, make a voice note, and whip out the typewriter if you have to so you don’t forget this message.
You don’t want your ex back, and they shouldn’t want you back.
The old relationship didn’t work, and if you place two people back together who did not do the work to improve while they were apart, you’ll break up again. I guarantee it.
The last thing you want is your ex back.
You want an improved version of them to get back together with a reinvented version of you.
You cannot allow someone back into your life when no contact ends without talking about what the new relationship will look like.
I urge you to take your time, and as I say, “let the cookies bake.”
…
Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Maybe you want to “get your ex back.” Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session (50$/hr). Here. or email me at [email protected]
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Egor Vikhrev on Unsplash