I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love with His Best Friend)

love-best-friend

It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love.

 

I’ve always prided myself on being open. I’ll try any new therapy or modality or New Age idea—and, believe me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve done the self-work. I’ve “found myself.” I’ve even practiced my affirmations. I knew who I was, without a doubt.

That’s why I found myself in unfamiliar territory when I—the open guy, the “figured out” guy, the unquestionably straight guy—realized that I was in love with my best friend, a man. A man I had known for seven years. A man I had never before even thought of in a romantic way. But, there I was, in love.

Only it didn’t start out as love. See, two summers ago, I came down with a mysterious illness. Not the common cold kind. Not even the achy back kind. This was the kind where you vomit massive amounts of blood throughout the day. The kind where doctors pass you from specialist to specialist. The kind where you’re bent over in pain with tears in your eyes.

And my roommate, Garrett, one of my best friends at the time, took pity on me. He took care of me. He picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. He cooked me dinner. He stayed in on Friday nights to watch movies. He’d even rub my back when I was in pain.

Each day, I waited anxiously until he came home from work. My face lit up when he surprised me with my favorite dinner. I replayed conversations we had when I was alone. I missed him when he was gone.

Two months into this routine, I had a thought—a tiny, little thought—that I loved him. It seemed preposterous. It seemed laughable. I shooed it away immediately. But that thought started creeping into my mind whenever he was away. That thought sneaked in whenever he did something nice or made me laugh.

And it all came down to this moment—one moment when he was cooking me dinner, and he looked over and smiled at me. I knew this was it. This was the moment where I had to decide if I could allow myself to love a man against everything I had previously known about myself. This was the moment when I had to decide if I was going to take a step forward into this crazy idea of telling my best friend that I loved him.

There’s a certain freedom in a life-threatening sickness. There’s a certain liberation in staring down death in the face. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you unafraid to tear down the only identity you’ve ever known for a gamble. It makes you walk right up to your best friend and tell him that you love him.

So I approached him cautiously. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Again, I tried, and all I could say was, “Garrett, I have something to tell you.”

He looked at me earnestly.

“Garrett, I think I’m in love with you.”

His expression changed to that of confusion.

“Well, you’ve been so great and taken care of me, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, if I’ve ever felt love, this is it. And, well — I think I’m in love with you.”

He stopped and thought for a moment. It was a long moment. Then he opened his mouth again and asked, “Do you miss me when I’m away?”

I nodded my head slowly — uneasily.

“Do you get excited to see me?”

I nodded again, this time with a hint of uncertainty.

He looked back timidly. “Well, then I think I might love you too.”

We had no idea how to make this work. We had no idea if this even could work. Sometimes we still don’t. It took time — years even — to figure it out. But it’s a relationship. None of us know what we’re doing. We just try and negotiate and compromise. And, little by little, you become just another boring couple.

So, yes, I’m an otherwise straight man in love with a man. But I would never reduce Garrett down to just being a man. Because he’s more than that. He’s a pharmacist and a good cook and a great cards player. And I love him for all of those reasons and so many more. I love him for who he is, not what he is. We’re more than our gender. We’re more than one attribute. And sometimes we need to remember that.

We have this myth of identity — that who we are is the summation of a lot of choices we made in the past. That we’ve got a map for the life we’re supposed to lead, and we’ve got to stick to it. But that’s assuming that we’re all static beings, and that’s not how people work at all.

In every moment, we’re changing and evolving and growing. In every moment, we’re reconstructing our identity. We’re not defined by our decisions from two years ago. We’re not even defined by our decisions from two minutes ago. We’re defined by who we choose to be in this very moment.

We’ll never be “figured out.” Over the course of our lives, we’ll constantly be transforming into a more and more authentic version of ourselves. Our preferences will change. Our passions will change. And we have to be brave enough to choose the thing that makes up happiest in each individual moment.

When I chose to tell Garrett that I loved him, it didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love. In truth, that’s all that ever really matters.

We’re only here for a very short time. In every moment, we only have one real choice: Will it bring me closer to or further away from love?

So, tell me — will you choose love?

 

The question you’ve been asking of Mike and his partner:  How a Straight Man in a Gay Relationship Made It Work

What Mike learned after he shared his story: What Love Is & What Love Isn’t

 

 

Previously published on MindBodyGreen.com.

Photo: Giulio Zannol/Flickr

 

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About Mike Iamele

Mike Iamele is a writer, wellness coach, and clinical herbalist who helps entrepreneurs and creatives define and create success on their own terms. After a debilitating illness pushed him a little too close to the edge, Mike traded in his perfectionist lifestyle for happiness. Visit him at www.bostonwellnesscoach.com where he writes about how to clear out the shadows, insecurities, and toxins so that you can let the real you rise up.

Comments

  1. To the idea of being gay or straight in terms of sexual attraction, yet being able to fall in love with the other than your sexual attraction …
    For me personally it doesn’t work this way, I’ve never in any way felt the same way romantically towards a woman as I’ve felt towards a man, yet majority of my closest best friends in my past were all females, I could simply not imagine feeling that way towards them.

    I’m not beating down the fact that this story (and the people mentioning the disassociation between sexual and romantic attraction) could be true, because in the end everyone is different, but it definitely has never worked this way for me personally and it’s admittedly difficult to imagine/understand.

    And to people going on about how the sexual questions are irrelevant … I personally don’t think they are, I think it would actually be very interesting to know how exactly someone in this situation experiences their “love making” part, because this would also help us understand the whole gender and sexuality thing a lot better in the long run.
    Because for all we know they have a platonic relationship (since we can’t know at all based on this story, it only has mention of romance, not a word on sex at all) or they might be an open platonic relationship where they still date with women?
    Yeah, from human interests view of point I’m very curious about this part as well.

    But all in all, this is a beautiful story and I do hope, that regardless the circumstances and details, the 2 of you can work it out and be happy and feel the joy of love, the most beautiful feeling in the world. :)

    • Apparently this is a just another coming out story that he wanted to make super salacious by hanging on to the straight moniker. He is either gay or bi but he is not straight and heteroflexible is not gonna cut it. I guess you gotta make that money or get exposure and making this story more than it was was his way of doing that.

      • Why do you feel the need to categorize it? You know all you need to know.

      • I’ve noticed that many women are threatened by the idea that men’s attractions could be fluid so for their own peace of mind, they like to fit men in boxes!!!

        • Denis Stone says:

          Of course many people are unfamiliar or uncomfortable (or even threatened, who knows) with new ideas about sex and sexuality. That happen with women and men, about women or men. That woman you are replying did not show any signs of it, though.
          In fact, if you research about it, it is indeed straight men who feel desperate when facing the truth about people’s, and mostly men’s (their own) sexual fluidity.

      • Nowhere in the article was there a mention of having sex with each other. Once again, the reader’s hang-ups are what is being commented on instead of what was actually in the article.

      • You have no idea Tiffany… You’re looking at this from a very Labeled and uneducated type of societal “norm” we have to realize that we are capable of love in ALL forms! It might not fit into your mold of whats normal but I commend him for sharing this story and knowing that his sexual preference is different from whom he loves!!! GOOD for him!

    • I’m happy to see love whereever we allow ourselves to find it.

      Nick, I have to agree that my experiences match your own. Too often the “sexuality” part of the word “homosexuality” is the focus and most people can’t seem to get past that to understand that the attraction is more than just wanting and being able to enjoy sexual encounters but includes the emotional connection, just like the emotional connection between most opposite -sex couples.

    • Barry Hingley says:

      Well done excellent article!Glad your happy &please with loving &partner!31yrs with same man &they said our kind don’t last!Still cooks my fav meals! &took care of moi in long recovery process!After major heart attack!Couldn;t ask for better life partner &lover &best friend!

    • Nick, on a reply to this story, while not going into too much detail, Mike did respond to that question (wish he would answer questions here) about the fact their relationship is physical (which includes sex as well as emotional and hope he hopes to be married soon.
      He wouldn’t go beyond that but it is a relationship in every sense of the word.

  2. Amazing, is it not, what men can feel and be open to when not hemmed in by socialized norms of masculinity? Love and sex are more fluid than we know, but we’re locked into identifying roles at an early age. That’s not a bad thing, either, that’s fine for society, we definitely need that, but a lot of people can get lost along the way, and this is a story of finding yourselves again. Vomiting blood all day long is one way, as evidenced here. As odd as that is. But the big question for me is: will this relationship be a lasting one? Is it just a bromance?

  3. I love this column Mr. Iamele! Love is freedom; not interested in anything else and I love and am loved…thanks for sharing your beautiful story!

  4. I love your perspective on the dynamics of our nature; excellent article and story, thanks for sharing.

  5. It is possible to be straight and fall in love with someone of the same sex! People in prison forced to live with the same sex for decades will often have a same sex love affair. If you separate love from sex, one could fall in love without sexual attraction being the cornerstone. I mean we can stimulate ourselves sexually so why not someone we love and trust? And in turn we can be sexually attracted to someone without loving them. We should avoid assuming sex and love are the same thing.

  6. It’s a very beautiful and romantic story. Though I should have liked to know if the protagonist of this story achieved heal fully.

    Also, I would like to say a important thing, I have the impression that this man clings to his former sexual identity. And I think that it is crucial that he assumes the new reality as soon as possible. He is no longer a heterosexual man; he is a bisexual man in a gay relationship (no matter the past).
    I have known people in a similar situation (a straight person who fell in love with a same-sex person) and the most of them used to say that: they were still heterosexual; they did not feel same-sex attractions; And they only feel same-sex attractions to their partners. Obviously, those relationships ended up wrong. That was mainly because they didn’t totally accept their gay feelings.

    I wish you good luck. Thank for sharing this story.

    • Agreed, but given the fact it sounds they have been dating for a while now, perhaps they have dealt with it in their own way

    • Agreed, I was trying to understand why I have such a problem with this article. I finally landed on the fact that it is convenient for him to be against labels now. But instead of saying bi which seems to be the fit he insists on saying otherwise straight. I guess as a racial minority it just hits me the wrong way.

      • I can’t speak for him but perhaps it’s not a matter of convenience for him to not use a label but a matter of not feeling a label that fits.

        As i’ve said I don’t try to label my self and that is because I don’t feel a fit or connection to a label. Perhaps he feels the same way. Bisexual is the closets fit but for someone who is only attracted to one man(myself) it doesn’t feel like a fit because in my mind a bisexual man is/has been attracted to multiple people of both genders. Straight doesn’t fit because of said attraction and neither does gay. I toyed with pansexual but I was attracted to my boyfriend sexually before emotionally so once again not a real fit.

        All that said if some presses or i’m say not in the mood to explain myself I do go with the bisexual label.

        But as i’ve said I can’t speak for him, perhaps he simply not secure in his sexuality.

        • Dean you seem to be in the glow of the moment with your partner. So while I value your feedback I also take it with a grain of salt. Right now your boyfriend/fiance seems to be all you see which is great. But as I have had said before the test is not in the now when you are in lovey gaga stage. The test is when the flush is gone. The test is if you ever break up. You said your boyfriend is gay so you are probably dealing with a lot more gay men. The longer that relationship lasts the longer that will be your reality. So if you break up where will you be comfortable. Plus the paradigm has shifted. You kinda mocked me but you now realize you can have an emotional and physical connection with a guy.that kinda changes how you will interact with other men. It was like at certain point I realized that I got a certain charge from interacting with older men. Before they had never been on my radar but of all of sudden I am looking at wider range. So I guess the but for this guy does not work out for me. How many guys do you have to be attracted to before you are bi? Is two sufficient. Realize I am having this conversation with myself as much as with you because I find it all fascinating and from semi-personal experience. I was on this dating website. This guy contacts me. Now his profile says straight but it also talks about being sexually adventurous. So I just ask him what does that mean: BDSM, bisexuality. He cops to all of the above. He says he is open to physical stuff with a guy but he could never have a relationship. I politely told him that while I appreciate everyone’s journey I am not interested in that and perhaps he should be open to putting in his profile that he is bisexual because that is a part of his package and it seems a bit like a bait and switch to not be upfront with this. Curious where does your boyfriend land when you say otherwise straight? I mean it would be an ego booster to think that off all the guys in the world he is the only one you would be attracted to but I am wondering if buys into the otherwise straight movement.

          • I’m not in a glow of the moment, we’ve been together for five years and in those years through a lot. We’ve been trough distance, sickness and family death. Breaking up while I can’t say it’s never going to happen, I can say I doubt it will. I plan on spending my life with him, starting a family with him.

            Actually i’m not dealing with more gay men, yes some of our friends are gay but most are straight. I had gay friends long before I met him, in fact my high school best friend was gay. So gay men have always been in my life.

            I did not intend to mock you, if I did I am sorry. The thing is though nothing has shifted, the way I interact with men is the exact same it was five years ago. Yes I can be physical with a man but the only man i’m aroused by and want to be physical with is my boyfriend. When I first saw my boyfriend I was physically aroused by him, no other man has ever gotten that reaction.

            I can’t speak for him, for me it comes down to how I view bisexuality. In my mind a bisexual has been/is attracted to multiple member of both genders. If I had ever been aroused by another man outside of my boyfriend i’d probably identify as bisexual.

            So you won’t date a bisexual guy? A monogamous one of course.

            I don’t label my self as otherwise straight or even straight, if I did my boyfriend would not be ok with it. When we first started dating I did and he was not ok with it and was worried I would leave him. If I have to go with/say a label I do say bisexual, personally though I don’t identify with it or any label.

            • No I am not open to dating a monogamous bisexual man. It has to do with my own issues. Even though my tone may come across as a know it all. I don’t know jack about much except for me. Being involved with a bisexual man would bring out a bunch issues that result from my own past or non-existent past with my father. I know it sounds cliché but that stuff is real. This is going to sounds judgy so forgive me. I would always see the bisexual person as wishy washy. I would always wonder if we would have to have the dreaded conversation of adding a third or opening up our relationship. If the relationship ended and he went to a dude that probably would be something that I would obsess about. A lot of this has to do with growing up in a world where men are kind of exulted so like men I have my own misogynistic thoughts. You know the classic am I enough. I am very black and white when it comes to things so I can deal with labels. Labels really comfort me. Your denial of a label challenges me. In a good way but it still challenges me. So if a gay says he is straight to me he is dateable, if bi or gay he could be my very best friend.

              I also wonder if we did a poll how many straight women would date a bisexual man.
              Women crave safety.

            • That doesn’t come off as judgy, it comes off as forgive me but stereotyping. Most of your fears are things the bisexuality community has to deal with as stereotypes. Yes some are tools who think they are entitled to date everyone but most are very monogamous and happy with who they are with. Those that want a third etc it’s not their sexuality it’s them as a person(think sister wives, straight but a tool).

              As far as the whole wishy washy thing, all the bisexuals I have met prefer one gender to the other. In some cases that is the same and others the opposite. I think i’ve only ever met one that really didn’t have a preferred gender.

              For me it’s not so much a denial of labels, logically I know that I must be some level of bisexual. It’s just that I don’t feel a connection to/identify with it. For a while I was pretty obsessed with figuring it out and finding a label that truly fit and that real stressed me. So final I stopped trying to find that fit.

              It would be interesting to do a poll, most of the straight women I know would. My sister is actually married to a bisexual man.

              It comes down to personal preference and of course if your not comfortable with it you shouldn’t do it.

            • I am over this discussion because for some it has devolved into a screech fest. I am always open to learning so thank you for sharing your time with me and to be honest it has made me think a little differently. My boundaries are mine but I definitely get that for some people they are fluid. I will have to get past my label issue at some point but for me right now the world is changing so much that I will hang on as long as I can. I wish you and your guy luck and love. I am all for love believe it or not. I am raising my niece and nephew and trying to raise them in a way where they feel comfortable loving who they want to. So as I bat it out (nicely) with you on the net it helps in some ways for me to be open to whatever they may bring to the kitchen table. Have a good day.

            • Thank you, I wish you the best as well. Also thank you for being respectful, which online is rare. Have a good day.

        • I would not want to personalize the debate. But, in response to your observations, I would like to say that, anyway, an external analysis could be more accurate and more objective.

          In many cases, the path of the self-acceptance is very hard (I refer specifically to the full acceptance of its gay feelings), it can be like climbing a high and steep mountain. And, in this situation, willpower and determination are necessary to start and continue that path.
          I completely understand that for bisexual men is harder this path (of the full acceptance of their gay feelings). In fact, in this group the success rate (on this issue) is very low compared to gay men (monosexual). Really, there are two possibilities: self-acceptance or self-rejection. Unfortunately, the most of them opt for the self-rejection.

          Just as a person cannot be a little hetero or a little gay, so too a person cannot be a little bisexual. Therefore, a bisexual person is entirely bisexual though he doesn’t feel it like that or he is not conscious about that. The intermediate stages are simply levels of self-acceptance (or self-rejection, depending on how one interprets it), because the reality is that there are only three sexual orientations: hetero-bi-gay.

      • TiffanyG says:
        I was trying to understand why I have such a problem with this article

        Well. At least you’re now admitting the problem is on your end. I suppose that’s progress. Not enough, but it’s a start.

        instead of saying bi which seems to be the fit

        Excuse you: you don’t get a vote on what label, if any, is “the fit”. It’s none of your business. The only votes that count are those of the people in the relationship.

        he insists on saying otherwise straight

        Oh, the nerve! Insisting on self-identifying!

        I guess as a racial minority it just hits me the wrong way.

        Your race is irrelevant to this story. For that matter, you are irrelevant to this story. It’s not about you.

        • Daniel, It is about me. Just like it is about you and you show me that you know it is about me and other who feel the need to label when you respond to my comments so thanks. Writers write for themselves and for others. My experience with this author’s story is biased but that’s okay. My race has a lot to do with how I view it. I can’t choose to be black…that is the label assigned to me by society at large. I can rail against it but that would be fruitless.

      • I think labels are just used for communication… The author actually mentions that he understands the need to use labels, but also that they can be limiting…

        That said, I believe that sexuality is a choice, yet it is VERY HARD to just decide to change it. Unconscious choices made at a very young age are hard to change, and sometimes genetics plays a large factor as well. If you combine dietary factors with unconscious choices and genetics, you can get results that are nearly impossible to change… Yet if you really WANT to change badly, then seeing a hypnotist, or a neuro-linguistic practitioner may just be your ticket to making a new unconscious choice. (This applies to many, many things besides which gender you’re more attracted to.)

        So yes, you can choose your sexuality, and over your lifetime, you have chosen it. But that doesn’t mean that gay people are diseased, or even that they made a bad choice. They didn’t consciously decide, “oh I’m going to like people of the same gender.” (And even if they did, so what?) And for some, genetics play such a large role that hypnosis won’t change it. There would need to be other large changes as well. Yet, some gay people who really didn’t want to be gay anymore have found themselves “cured” through hypnosis.

        There are plenty of people on the planet, and we don’t all need to procreate, and we don’t even need to be attracted to the opposite sex to procreate. Therefor, since being gay doesn’t block someone’s ability to be compassionate, logical or ethical, I see no reason whatsoever to have a problem with gay people.

        It would make more sense to have something against people who drink or smoke, since that alters perception, judgement and ability to be ethical.

        That said, I find someone’s choices about smoking and drinking to be MUCH more important than their choices on who to be sexual with.

        And so, to mean, whether this man is straight, gay or bi is irrelevant. The point is that he found love, and that he is sharing his experience with us. That’s just my take on it. :)

    • Why should he identify as bi or gay? Clearly, his attractions are fluid and he could swing back in the opposite direction and start dating a woman again! Stop trying to fit him into a box. People are just uncomfortable acknowledging male sexual fluidity. If this was a woman, you probably wouldn’t be saying the same thing!

      • I would. Women can be just a fickle as men.

      • I absolutely agree with Amy. People are always willing to categorize to fit their moral values or standards and expect the “in their heads” for the person to conform to that. I have studied sexual fluidity in males for years and identity. If Dean does not identify with bi is because he isn’t. For those of you who have never been exposed to the type of situation (most havent) Dean is dealing with, it is pretty common among men. Straight Men falling in love (romantically or sexually) with other straight men or gay men or vice versa. There is also…hang on to your seats because it coming and no one can stop this…. SEXUAL FLUIDS… yes it actually does exist and it pertains to people like Dean who doe not feel the need to box himself for anyone other than himself and the upcoming generations understand that. So please quit trying to box someone to fit your standards because you NEVER know the full story but the person who is living it. And as amy say, who knows, he may very well return to women should this five year relationship end… no one knows. There is also SMSM (Straight Men who have sex with Men) and that can include romantic feelings or can be lack it and it is very prevalent and no one can stop that cause it happens all the time. Need more information on what I am saying. Look up these links. I for one understand Dean, if he identifies as straight, he probably is. Who are we to tell this man who he is. He probably has studied what most still dont know about straight men. There is much to know and men who are open minded to take the time to study what’s out there will always be a stop closer to figuring things out without having to label themselves for anyone. People want to label you…let them. Its all about who you are and how you feel and being authentic with yourself. Everything else, it’s all noise. Want more information on what I’m talking about. see these links. This is happening and its real because I’m a walking breathing example of it.d I’m sexually fluid and very proud of it. And that is not saying I’m bisexual. I, nor anyone on this panel needs to make a case for Dean or the person who wrote this story. But for those who don’t understand and need a more clinical understanding of what I’m talking about. I hope this helps you. Its not for you to understand or judge, but for your information only. You may get it, you may not… and that’s OK.

        http://www.unbiasedtalk.com/conscious-society/straight-men-when-men-mess-with-men-but-arent-gay/

        http://straightguise.com/

        http://www.villagevoice.com/2008-07-29/columns/straight-men-who-have-sex-with-men/

        http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/11/sexual-attraction-straight-men-_n_4086295.html

        • Thankfully Dean is more compassionate and willing to listen and explain than either you or Amy which makes it easier to hear him (not necessarily agree with him).

        • I don’t identify as straight either, and while I can’t say my relationship will never end I can say that I’m doubt full it will. My boyfriend for me is the one, I want to spend my life with him and start a family with him. So for me he is it.

    • JJ Vincent says:
  7. Andreina Gamboa says:

    I think it all has to do with people’s definition of love… in my point of view: love and sexual attraction are very different things…
    Mothers love their children and that doesn’t involve sexual attraction (she would give her own life if it’s necessary to save his), so a man loving another man is something that people shouldn’t really take in a bad way.

    Yet a man feeling sexual attraction towards another man, is something that threatens the very own principles of love and the nature of men itself. I’ll explain this in a moment… love seeks the best for the people around us (it’s not whimsical or temperamental because it’s not a feeling, to use the same example, moms do not love their children one day and discard them the next day… it is a day by day decision), so, if we love life and consider the well-being of the people around us (using reason and not the heart), human race could be extinct if every man turns into gay people. No men, no continuity, no opportunity to love future generations, in other words, is something that in a large proportion or small proportion (if we talk about islands) could slowly destroy human race. It may sound hard, but it’s true…
    I know that many people probably wouldn’t want to listen, but believe me, God loves men and what he tells them not to do has a reason and is for their own good. We really really should stop questioning.

    http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/politics/130607/the-20-most-and-least-gay-friendly-countries-the-world

    Check the birth rate in Germany and Spain after you check this page; then look up at what those countries have had to do because the majority of the people in their countries is old or even larger than the proportion of children in their countries. I know in Germany the government helps you pay the costs of the birth (many young people do not want to have babies becuase of the costs and there are the other big amount of people that can’t have babies because of their sexual tendency)
    So… I repeat… it’s something that in large proportions could destroy human race… blessings.

    • ben in oakland says:

      You’re fundamental understanding of what being gay is makes your whole comment nonsense. The whole world is not going to turn gay. It didn’t in those cultures where being gay was not considered anything other than a characteristic, and it won’t now.

      Being gay means that I am attracted to men for love, sex, romance and family. Just because I am gay doesn’t mean that I don’t value children and family. What ion earth do you think all of the battles over marriage and adoption are about?

      If being gay EVER becomes the norm, we might get our population under control, instead of strangling ourselves with too many people. Every child will be a wanted child, not just an accidental by-product of heterosexual lust. We might even find that abortion becomes as rare as it should be.

      • The problem with most of these comments is that people want to say love is love and this is gay people. If love is love gay men would have as much of a chance of falling in love with a women as a man but that is not the case. People are attracted to genitals/the package first and then love is allowed. I will only believe love is love when a person who is wholly superficial falls in love with an ugg mugg. But what I see of this author is an polished man who probably had some attraction with men just not as a heightened as that with women and who probably fell in love with another polished man. At the beginning of the article he talks about his sense of adventure so I think he was kinda searching for it or at least always open to it. Talk to me when someone who truly is hetero falls in love with another hetero guy. If I could fall in love in a romantic way with another woman that would be true love or aspirational or something. His story is just a coming out story. He was a guy who dated women and then realized he was bi.

        • TiffanyG, your opinion gives every appearance of being based in self-centred ignorance. You are not entitled to issue these high-handed prognostications of yours. You just simply aren’t. Please go forth and shut up.

          • Tiffany is simply one of those arrogant women who think they can dictate male attraction and sexual behavior. You know, like Queen Victoria who decided to criminalize gay/bisexual men. Notice she never criminalized female homosexuality!!!

            • Denis Stone says:

              She is talking about ALL sexual behavior, not only men’s, though. The focus is on men in this article and that is why you are seeing it that way.

              And yes, she is JUST like Queen Victoria and wants to criminalize gay/bisexual men. Indeed.

          • Denis Stone says:

            I want to hear her mind. Who are you to tell someone to shut up and why would you believe they will obey? You are just another self-centered ignorant person.

            She is questioning in a not prejudiced way. She might have her limitations, but has been civilized all the way. Come on.

    • 1. What is it with you anti-gay wackos, i’m seriously you always take time to comment on gay article etc. Do you not value your time? I’m no fan of bigamy, so I don’t waste my time commenting on it.
      2. “every man turns into gay people” You don’t turn gay or straight or bisexual etc it’s an inborn trait. Sciences has shown that it is unchangeable, so it’s a non issue. Also women are gay as well.
      3. You assume that gay men and women do not want children, many do.
      4. We know how to create children with out sex, so once again the population is not at risk.
      5. The earth as a whole has a serious over population problem so once again no population risk.
      6. “God loves men and what he tells them not to do has a reason and is for their own good. We really really should stop questioning.” You speak to a logical issue yet speak of religion, the two do not mix.
      Many people do not fallow your religion so why should yours govern their lives? Further you religion also says that we shouldn’t wear mixed fabric, eat sea food and should stone disobedient children. Do you believe in all that to? Guessing no, so either let the gay thing go or start practicing all the bible not some.
      7. Just because a place is a gay friendly tourist spot does not mean it has a large number of gay residents.
      8. “know in Germany the government helps you pay the costs of the birth (many young people do not want to have babies becuase of the costs”
      Exactly the cost is the deterrent for couples not having children, it has nothing to do with gays. In fact a large number of the gay residents in Germany are same sex parents.
      9. Natural is defined as occurring in nature, well guess what same sex attraction/relations occurs in nature so by definition it’s natural. Perhaps it’s natural population control.
      10. You seem to think population is an issue, perhaps you should visit orphanages in Germany, China, and Mexico.

      • Drum some sense into that homophobe!!! Great job!

      • Dean I understand you. You can control or figure out things for those who don’t want to. Its just the way it is. Just know that for those who have chosen to broaden their horizons on the subjects of sexuality and identity, we know better. Those who use their beliefs to find answers, it is what it is for them and you will never be able to change that. So you can only live your life for you and what’s important to you.

      • im surprised you didnt take this tone with tiffany too, she really is no different

        • She is a homophobic bigot in disguise. They are the most dangerous kinds because they outwardly profess to not being homophobic.

        • Why am I no different. I think gay, bi and straight people are great. I am not threated by males getting together in a sexual way. I am not worried about the population. You don’t read just like Amy.

  8. Reading the story carefully, you’ll notice that it has taken them both years to define what they have. For them, this is a relationship. Whether it is a coming out story or not, it’s a way a person found love. That was the point of this story. Whether gay, straight or bi, it’s about love. In a real relationship, it’s not about a role but what two people can do together for one another. I’m glad you found love sir, regardless of who it is with.

  9. i can understand this story very much… because i am passing with something very similar.. and it is strange how humans want to have labels for everything.. and as a read the comments in here, i can see that people have prejudice with EVERYTHING that is different.
    i never looked at a woman in a sexual way.. but i am now in love with a friend and with her, and thats what matters.. about attraction and sex? is a work in progress, but i have to say i can get horny just with her.. i dont look at women like that.. and i still get aroused at looking at man.
    So.. it is not impossible! and i believe that we must have more cases like that all over the world.

  10. I find it completely appalling that people in the LGBTQ community are talking down from high pedestals, claiming that this isn’t possible. Seriously? We are immensely and infinitely complex beings and you’re claiming that it’s not possible? This is what was said about men loving men and women loving women not so long ago. Anyone who claims this isn’t possible is narrow-minded. Perhaps this is a form of pansexuality, him seeing past gender to love someone. Maybe it’s not. All I can say is good for him, I’m glad that he found love. Open your minds.

    • Dean,
      I’m very skeptical of someone who’s logic is base on religion. It just confirms how much they don’t know, or want to know, and how set in their ways they are.

  11. Michael Mohajer says:

    I am a gay male and I have never loved a man just because he was a man, or a certain “type”. The only 2 times I haver ever been in love was because of WHO they were, not because they had a penis and fit into a certain type that I liked. Love is universal and has nothing to do with penis, vagina, or skin color.

    • Love (the romantic kind) has a lot to do with genitals or I should say the package. But it kind does because if love was just about the person you would have as much chance of falling in love with a woman. But you don’t

      • My my aren’t you bitter Tiffany??? So you as a woman know more about male sexuality than these men explaining to you their life stories. I told you before that you are threatened by the idea of male sexual fluidity so you try to fit them into a box. You cannot deal with your insecurity that a man who falls in love with women also has the ability to fall in love with another man. So much woman’splaining coming from you. You’re just exposing yourself with your bitterness. Many women write about falling in love with women after having identified as heterosexual their whole lives. In fact, read all the comments and you’ll see some acknowledging that! Why are you not expressing the same bitter sentiments towards them? Because you need to police male sexuality in order to assuage your own insecurity and fears that a man that you’re with might leave you for another man. You’re not the only woman like this by the way. That’s why so many heterosexual as well as bisexual women tend to be biphobic and unaccepting of bisexual men or hetero flexible men. It threatens your female sexual power that you think you have over men. Notice that many straight men have no problem accepting bisexual and hetero flexible women. Deal with your insecurity and double standards. It will do you wonders.

        • I am honest about my insecurities Amy Glass. I have had an insightful conversation with a person on this board who is somewhat like the author which has thankfully not devolved into the screech fest that you seem to enjoy.

          As to lesbians, I am not a lesbian. I don’t sleep with women. They are not on my radar. But my feelings regarding the author would extend to them as well.

        • Denis Stone says:

          Well Amy, don’t you sound bitter here now. Being bitter is not a sin, though. Assuming she is only talking about men when she is clearly not, that she is threatened and that she even feels like she has sexual power over men… are you some kind of PUA dude in disguise or something?
          And yes, she admited she has problems. So that is how you want to tell someone to deal with their problems, shaming them? She wasnt even offending anyone.

          Many straight men have no problems with heteroflexible or bisexual women (who are mostly the same thing, just different names for the same orientation) because 1. they love that their women could even talk about other women’s gorgeousness with them, oh so exciting. 2. they want their dream threesome with another woman to happen. The rest is all about the machismo still existing in our society – and that includes these very same men, who accept bi women, hating on bi men.

          • Thank you so much Denis. I really find these discussions helpful but it really shows the limitations of commenters who have to screech at others because we don’t reflexively get “it.” I think what people forget is that in order to be tolerant/accepting you have to at least have some understanding. That is all I am trying to gain in this forum. This who non-labeling thing gets at my very core. So I am working on my understanding .

  12. ‘m not against to any kind of human interaction to each human being,
    women are created for men, but love is too powerful to against with,
    try once to against your heart desire but, you’ll end up lying to yourself,(Lies is Sin)
    you may force yourself to fight against your feelings but, you’ll just end up hurting yourself.(Hurting is Sin)
    you tried to erase things that might makes you happy but, you’ll just end up killing yourself.(Killing is Sin)

    so never try to against your “HEART” because the heart is the only way you can feel the “LOVE”
    and “GOD” creates “LOVE” has no limitation of it.

  13. WonderWoman says:

    I can believe this happening because love and sex are two different things. People often confuse the two especially with the whole argument on sexuality. You can be emotionally in love with someone and yet still be sexually attracted to someone else. That can either be, in love with someone of the same sex, but also physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex. I think it just depends on the person. It’s not about labels or sexual orientation. We fall in love with the person not the gender/sex.

  14. Such love. Thanks for sharing this. You don’t know how much it means to me for reading this. Thank you. You get well soon.

  15. So, Mike, if you read these comments, can you please (pardon the pun) straighten out the issue of sexuality within your relationship? Everyone one commenting seems to assume that along with the acknowledgement of your love for each other, you are having sexual relations with each other. Did that follow or are the assumptions what most assumptions turn out to be?

  16. Man, I am not a sappy person but this got me right in the feels! Got all teary eyed and everything. I hope you guys are happy – and stay that way.

  17. skeptic888 says:

    Labels are useful for communication but they’re also reductive. I think this is a wonderful love story between two humans. To wonder if they’re gay, straight, or bi doesn’t add any useful information. Are these men less worthy of respect (or more worthy) because of the labels they use or don’t use? Nor does it matter if they’ve always felt attracted to other men or only in their situation – they’re two adults who choose to love each other. I do wonder, and not for prurient reasons, why there’s no mention about sex, because certainly that’s an element in most love relationships and might be different territory for two straight men in love than for two gay/bi men in love. Is their’s a love but not sexual relationship? Did they find a way to accommodate sex along with their emotional connection? I think it’s worthy of a Part 2 article.

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