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I’ve always prided myself on being open. I’ll try any new therapy or modality or New Age idea—and, believe me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve done the self-work. I’ve “found myself.” I’ve even practiced my affirmations. I knew who I was, without a doubt.
That’s why I found myself in unfamiliar territory when I—the open guy, the “figured out” guy, the unquestionably straight guy—realized that I was in love with my best friend, a man. A man I had known for seven years. A man I had never before even thought of in a romantic way. But, there I was, in love.
Only it didn’t start out as love. See, two summers ago, I came down with a mysterious illness. Not the common cold kind. Not even the achy back kind. This was the kind where you vomit massive amounts of blood throughout the day. The kind where doctors pass you from specialist to specialist. The kind where you’re bent over in pain with tears in your eyes.
And my roommate, Garrett, one of my best friends at the time, took pity on me. He took care of me. He picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. He cooked me dinner. He stayed in on Friday nights to watch movies. He’d even rub my back when I was in pain.
Each day, I waited anxiously until he came home from work. My face lit up when he surprised me with my favorite dinner. I replayed conversations we had when I was alone. I missed him when he was gone.
Two months into this routine, I had a thought—a tiny, little thought—that I loved him. It seemed preposterous. It seemed laughable. I shooed it away immediately. But that thought started creeping into my mind whenever he was away. That thought sneaked in whenever he did something nice or made me laugh.
And it all came down to this moment—one moment when he was cooking me dinner, and he looked over and smiled at me. I knew this was it. This was the moment where I had to decide if I could allow myself to love a man against everything I had previously known about myself. This was the moment when I had to decide if I was going to take a step forward into this crazy idea of telling my best friend that I loved him.
There’s a certain freedom in a life-threatening sickness. There’s a certain liberation in staring down death in the face. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you unafraid to tear down the only identity you’ve ever known for a gamble. It makes you walk right up to your best friend and tell him that you love him.
So I approached him cautiously. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Again, I tried, and all I could say was, “Garrett, I have something to tell you.”
He looked at me earnestly.
“Garrett, I think I’m in love with you.”
His expression changed to that of confusion.
“Well, you’ve been so great and taken care of me, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, if I’ve ever felt love, this is it. And, well — I think I’m in love with you.”
He stopped and thought for a moment. It was a long moment. Then he opened his mouth again and asked, “Do you miss me when I’m away?”
I nodded my head slowly — uneasily.
“Do you get excited to see me?”
I nodded again, this time with a hint of uncertainty.
He looked back timidly. “Well, then I think I might love you too.”
Read the entire story on MindBodyGreen.com, where this was originally published.
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The question you’ve been asking of Mike and his partner: How a Straight Man in a Gay Relationship Made It Work
What Mike learned after he shared his story: What Love Is & What Love Isn’t
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Previously published on MindBodyGreen.com.
Image ID: 1405879289
I am a gay man that dates straight men. I cn/have walked into the currentlyhottest gay ba in town, Saturday night, and leave with the straight guy who is out with a group of mixed friends. The percentage of str8 guys whohave gotten a bj when either horney enough or high enough is more than 50%. A bj certainly is not love but can and does lead to friendship. I met my first longtern over the night he he was served separation papers from his soon to be ex wife.not the simplest life style choice on my part but it… Read more »
There is a term for this sort of thing. It’s called pansexuality.
There are 3 men in my life who I can honestly say I love beyond just friendship. We are all heterosexual and married. Intimacy is not an issue. Two of the men enjoy a full bodied tight hug. The third man and I are completely comfortable exchanging kisses on the lips and we always do upon greeting or departing from each other.
From a man who feels the deep emptiness of modern male friendships and has been trying for years to find what it seems you have: tell us how this came about, and what you look for in a friend, if you would. Thanks and blessings.
The people on here presuming they have the right to correct the author on their sexuality is ludicrous! How could any of you possibly know his mind, his sexuality? If he says he is straight, but in love with a man – then he is straight in love with a man. It is not impossible. Love changes things.
So Rob S. You are bi sexual? Right cause you are having sex with both a man and a woman.
Here is another straight man to tell you it happens. Before you all say “he is really Bi” before this I made love with 9 girls and no boys. Then ,y live changed. Listen, the same thing happen to me and my best friend, John, 30 years ago, when we were each 22 and engaged. Sure we had both had gay fantasies in our lives but no sex with any male. Then one night it happen, or I kind of made it happen. We made love all night. We had been buddies 5 years and it would have never happened… Read more »
“But we have each other.. To share our hope, dreams and fears that you can’t share with a woman.” — Thank you for sharing your story, but can you please clarify this statement? A spouse, whether same sex or not, should be the person you could share those things with. I’m confused.
This kind of scenario might be plausible for a woman but I highly doubt that this would be the case for a man, let alone a straight man. Female sexuality is more fluid and it’s possible for a heterosexual woman to fall in love with another female and vice versa-a homosexual woman may fall in love with a straight man. Men are not like that…it seems that their sexuality is pulled towards one direction over the other. I don’t even think male bisexuality actually exists for that matter, it might just be that their sexuality is closer to one gender… Read more »
I really don’t know how I ended up here but am so glad I did. While reading I felt genuinely happy for you, a person I haven’t and probabily will never meet. And at the same time, I was proud of you for taking such a risk. You are a very strong and courageous man. I wish I had your strenght to fight for the man I love, but you sure have inspired me. So thank you !
I currently have sex with another man once a month who’s straight and married. We’ve been friends for 17 year but he started going with me to gay bars for dancing and drinks here in Long Beach, CA. We started having sex about 4 years ago but identifies as straight.
Labels are useful for communication but they’re also reductive. I think this is a wonderful love story between two humans. To wonder if they’re gay, straight, or bi doesn’t add any useful information. Are these men less worthy of respect (or more worthy) because of the labels they use or don’t use? Nor does it matter if they’ve always felt attracted to other men or only in their situation – they’re two adults who choose to love each other. I do wonder, and not for prurient reasons, why there’s no mention about sex, because certainly that’s an element in most… Read more »
He replied to comments on the original article that the relationship is sexual and that he hopes to marry him someday.
Hi there. There are two more articles now: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/love-love-isnt-jvinc/, https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/straight-man-gay-relationship-works-jvinc/.
-Editor
Man, I am not a sappy person but this got me right in the feels! Got all teary eyed and everything. I hope you guys are happy – and stay that way.
So, Mike, if you read these comments, can you please (pardon the pun) straighten out the issue of sexuality within your relationship? Everyone one commenting seems to assume that along with the acknowledgement of your love for each other, you are having sexual relations with each other. Did that follow or are the assumptions what most assumptions turn out to be?
He commented on the original article, that the relationship is sexual and that he hopes to marry him someday.
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14997/im-an-otherwise-straight-man-who-fell-in-love-with-his-best-friend.html
Such love. Thanks for sharing this. You don’t know how much it means to me for reading this. Thank you. You get well soon.
I can believe this happening because love and sex are two different things. People often confuse the two especially with the whole argument on sexuality. You can be emotionally in love with someone and yet still be sexually attracted to someone else. That can either be, in love with someone of the same sex, but also physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex. I think it just depends on the person. It’s not about labels or sexual orientation. We fall in love with the person not the gender/sex.
‘m not against to any kind of human interaction to each human being, women are created for men, but love is too powerful to against with, try once to against your heart desire but, you’ll end up lying to yourself,(Lies is Sin) you may force yourself to fight against your feelings but, you’ll just end up hurting yourself.(Hurting is Sin) you tried to erase things that might makes you happy but, you’ll just end up killing yourself.(Killing is Sin) so never try to against your “HEART” because the heart is the only way you can feel the “LOVE” and “GOD”… Read more »
I am a gay male and I have never loved a man just because he was a man, or a certain “type”. The only 2 times I haver ever been in love was because of WHO they were, not because they had a penis and fit into a certain type that I liked. Love is universal and has nothing to do with penis, vagina, or skin color.
Love (the romantic kind) has a lot to do with genitals or I should say the package. But it kind does because if love was just about the person you would have as much chance of falling in love with a woman. But you don’t
My my aren’t you bitter Tiffany??? So you as a woman know more about male sexuality than these men explaining to you their life stories. I told you before that you are threatened by the idea of male sexual fluidity so you try to fit them into a box. You cannot deal with your insecurity that a man who falls in love with women also has the ability to fall in love with another man. So much woman’splaining coming from you. You’re just exposing yourself with your bitterness. Many women write about falling in love with women after having identified… Read more »
I am honest about my insecurities Amy Glass. I have had an insightful conversation with a person on this board who is somewhat like the author which has thankfully not devolved into the screech fest that you seem to enjoy.
As to lesbians, I am not a lesbian. I don’t sleep with women. They are not on my radar. But my feelings regarding the author would extend to them as well.
Well Amy, don’t you sound bitter here now. Being bitter is not a sin, though. Assuming she is only talking about men when she is clearly not, that she is threatened and that she even feels like she has sexual power over men… are you some kind of PUA dude in disguise or something? And yes, she admited she has problems. So that is how you want to tell someone to deal with their problems, shaming them? She wasnt even offending anyone. Many straight men have no problems with heteroflexible or bisexual women (who are mostly the same thing, just… Read more »
Thank you so much Denis. I really find these discussions helpful but it really shows the limitations of commenters who have to screech at others because we don’t reflexively get “it.” I think what people forget is that in order to be tolerant/accepting you have to at least have some understanding. That is all I am trying to gain in this forum. This who non-labeling thing gets at my very core. So I am working on my understanding .
Crikey, there was nothing bitter in that comment – just an observation that is 99% true for most people. Why are you so bitter, Amy Glass, that you feel the need to jump all over someone trying to learn? Your lectures are tedious, and not as informed as you think they are. Humility is the beginning of wisdom. Start practicing now and someday you might actually be wise enough to help others learn and understand. Nothing you have written to/about Tiffany G was wise, because arrogant, strident, and full of assumptions.
I find it completely appalling that people in the LGBTQ community are talking down from high pedestals, claiming that this isn’t possible. Seriously? We are immensely and infinitely complex beings and you’re claiming that it’s not possible? This is what was said about men loving men and women loving women not so long ago. Anyone who claims this isn’t possible is narrow-minded. Perhaps this is a form of pansexuality, him seeing past gender to love someone. Maybe it’s not. All I can say is good for him, I’m glad that he found love. Open your minds.
Dean,
I’m very skeptical of someone who’s logic is base on religion. It just confirms how much they don’t know, or want to know, and how set in their ways they are.
i can understand this story very much… because i am passing with something very similar.. and it is strange how humans want to have labels for everything.. and as a read the comments in here, i can see that people have prejudice with EVERYTHING that is different. i never looked at a woman in a sexual way.. but i am now in love with a friend and with her, and thats what matters.. about attraction and sex? is a work in progress, but i have to say i can get horny just with her.. i dont look at women like… Read more »
Reading the story carefully, you’ll notice that it has taken them both years to define what they have. For them, this is a relationship. Whether it is a coming out story or not, it’s a way a person found love. That was the point of this story. Whether gay, straight or bi, it’s about love. In a real relationship, it’s not about a role but what two people can do together for one another. I’m glad you found love sir, regardless of who it is with.
I think it all has to do with people’s definition of love… in my point of view: love and sexual attraction are very different things… Mothers love their children and that doesn’t involve sexual attraction (she would give her own life if it’s necessary to save his), so a man loving another man is something that people shouldn’t really take in a bad way. Yet a man feeling sexual attraction towards another man, is something that threatens the very own principles of love and the nature of men itself. I’ll explain this in a moment… love seeks the best for… Read more »
You’re fundamental understanding of what being gay is makes your whole comment nonsense. The whole world is not going to turn gay. It didn’t in those cultures where being gay was not considered anything other than a characteristic, and it won’t now. Being gay means that I am attracted to men for love, sex, romance and family. Just because I am gay doesn’t mean that I don’t value children and family. What ion earth do you think all of the battles over marriage and adoption are about? If being gay EVER becomes the norm, we might get our population under… Read more »
The problem with most of these comments is that people want to say love is love and this is gay people. If love is love gay men would have as much of a chance of falling in love with a women as a man but that is not the case. People are attracted to genitals/the package first and then love is allowed. I will only believe love is love when a person who is wholly superficial falls in love with an ugg mugg. But what I see of this author is an polished man who probably had some attraction with… Read more »
TiffanyG, your opinion gives every appearance of being based in self-centred ignorance. You are not entitled to issue these high-handed prognostications of yours. You just simply aren’t. Please go forth and shut up.
Tiffany is simply one of those arrogant women who think they can dictate male attraction and sexual behavior. You know, like Queen Victoria who decided to criminalize gay/bisexual men. Notice she never criminalized female homosexuality!!!
She is talking about ALL sexual behavior, not only men’s, though. The focus is on men in this article and that is why you are seeing it that way.
And yes, she is JUST like Queen Victoria and wants to criminalize gay/bisexual men. Indeed.
Poor Queen Victoria. So misunderstood. Sorry, guys and gals, but her edict was not about some Terrible Mother desire to control men’s lusts but let women’s run rampant. No indeed. Poor Vicky simply could not wrap her head around the concept of lesbian sexuality, and as it did not exist, there was no need to criminalize it. Vicky liked her man’s sexuality very, very much – so she probably could understand male-male attraction. Still criminalized it as a terrible danger to all that is good in society – but she was by no means consciously giving women a break in… Read more »
I want to hear her mind. Who are you to tell someone to shut up and why would you believe they will obey? You are just another self-centered ignorant person.
She is questioning in a not prejudiced way. She might have her limitations, but has been civilized all the way. Come on.
1. What is it with you anti-gay wackos, i’m seriously you always take time to comment on gay article etc. Do you not value your time? I’m no fan of bigamy, so I don’t waste my time commenting on it. 2. “every man turns into gay people” You don’t turn gay or straight or bisexual etc it’s an inborn trait. Sciences has shown that it is unchangeable, so it’s a non issue. Also women are gay as well. 3. You assume that gay men and women do not want children, many do. 4. We know how to create children with… Read more »
Drum some sense into that homophobe!!! Great job!
Dean I understand you. You can control or figure out things for those who don’t want to. Its just the way it is. Just know that for those who have chosen to broaden their horizons on the subjects of sexuality and identity, we know better. Those who use their beliefs to find answers, it is what it is for them and you will never be able to change that. So you can only live your life for you and what’s important to you.
im surprised you didnt take this tone with tiffany too, she really is no different
She is a homophobic bigot in disguise. They are the most dangerous kinds because they outwardly profess to not being homophobic.
You have got some lesbophobia going on Ms. Glass since we are passing around uninformed judgments here.
Why am I no different. I think gay, bi and straight people are great. I am not threated by males getting together in a sexual way. I am not worried about the population. You don’t read just like Amy.
It’s a very beautiful and romantic story. Though I should have liked to know if the protagonist of this story achieved heal fully. Also, I would like to say a important thing, I have the impression that this man clings to his former sexual identity. And I think that it is crucial that he assumes the new reality as soon as possible. He is no longer a heterosexual man; he is a bisexual man in a gay relationship (no matter the past). I have known people in a similar situation (a straight person who fell in love with a same-sex… Read more »
Agreed, but given the fact it sounds they have been dating for a while now, perhaps they have dealt with it in their own way
Agreed, I was trying to understand why I have such a problem with this article. I finally landed on the fact that it is convenient for him to be against labels now. But instead of saying bi which seems to be the fit he insists on saying otherwise straight. I guess as a racial minority it just hits me the wrong way.
I can’t speak for him but perhaps it’s not a matter of convenience for him to not use a label but a matter of not feeling a label that fits. As i’ve said I don’t try to label my self and that is because I don’t feel a fit or connection to a label. Perhaps he feels the same way. Bisexual is the closets fit but for someone who is only attracted to one man(myself) it doesn’t feel like a fit because in my mind a bisexual man is/has been attracted to multiple people of both genders. Straight doesn’t fit… Read more »
Dean you seem to be in the glow of the moment with your partner. So while I value your feedback I also take it with a grain of salt. Right now your boyfriend/fiance seems to be all you see which is great. But as I have had said before the test is not in the now when you are in lovey gaga stage. The test is when the flush is gone. The test is if you ever break up. You said your boyfriend is gay so you are probably dealing with a lot more gay men. The longer that relationship… Read more »
I’m not in a glow of the moment, we’ve been together for five years and in those years through a lot. We’ve been trough distance, sickness and family death. Breaking up while I can’t say it’s never going to happen, I can say I doubt it will. I plan on spending my life with him, starting a family with him. Actually i’m not dealing with more gay men, yes some of our friends are gay but most are straight. I had gay friends long before I met him, in fact my high school best friend was gay. So gay men… Read more »
No I am not open to dating a monogamous bisexual man. It has to do with my own issues. Even though my tone may come across as a know it all. I don’t know jack about much except for me. Being involved with a bisexual man would bring out a bunch issues that result from my own past or non-existent past with my father. I know it sounds cliché but that stuff is real. This is going to sounds judgy so forgive me. I would always see the bisexual person as wishy washy. I would always wonder if we would… Read more »
That doesn’t come off as judgy, it comes off as forgive me but stereotyping. Most of your fears are things the bisexuality community has to deal with as stereotypes. Yes some are tools who think they are entitled to date everyone but most are very monogamous and happy with who they are with. Those that want a third etc it’s not their sexuality it’s them as a person(think sister wives, straight but a tool). As far as the whole wishy washy thing, all the bisexuals I have met prefer one gender to the other. In some cases that is the… Read more »
I am over this discussion because for some it has devolved into a screech fest. I am always open to learning so thank you for sharing your time with me and to be honest it has made me think a little differently. My boundaries are mine but I definitely get that for some people they are fluid. I will have to get past my label issue at some point but for me right now the world is changing so much that I will hang on as long as I can. I wish you and your guy luck and love. I… Read more »
Thank you, I wish you the best as well. Also thank you for being respectful, which online is rare. Have a good day.
Hey TiffanyG, I’m curious how issues with your father affect your views on being with a bisexual man. I really want to know if you’ve read a correlation somewhere about it.
I would not want to personalize the debate. But, in response to your observations, I would like to say that, anyway, an external analysis could be more accurate and more objective. In many cases, the path of the self-acceptance is very hard (I refer specifically to the full acceptance of its gay feelings), it can be like climbing a high and steep mountain. And, in this situation, willpower and determination are necessary to start and continue that path. I completely understand that for bisexual men is harder this path (of the full acceptance of their gay feelings). In fact, in… Read more »
TiffanyG says: I was trying to understand why I have such a problem with this article Well. At least you’re now admitting the problem is on your end. I suppose that’s progress. Not enough, but it’s a start. instead of saying bi which seems to be the fit Excuse you: you don’t get a vote on what label, if any, is “the fit”. It’s none of your business. The only votes that count are those of the people in the relationship. he insists on saying otherwise straight Oh, the nerve! Insisting on self-identifying! I guess as a racial minority it… Read more »
Daniel, It is about me. Just like it is about you and you show me that you know it is about me and other who feel the need to label when you respond to my comments so thanks. Writers write for themselves and for others. My experience with this author’s story is biased but that’s okay. My race has a lot to do with how I view it. I can’t choose to be black…that is the label assigned to me by society at large. I can rail against it but that would be fruitless.
I think labels are just used for communication… The author actually mentions that he understands the need to use labels, but also that they can be limiting… That said, I believe that sexuality is a choice, yet it is VERY HARD to just decide to change it. Unconscious choices made at a very young age are hard to change, and sometimes genetics plays a large factor as well. If you combine dietary factors with unconscious choices and genetics, you can get results that are nearly impossible to change… Yet if you really WANT to change badly, then seeing a hypnotist,… Read more »
Why should he identify as bi or gay? Clearly, his attractions are fluid and he could swing back in the opposite direction and start dating a woman again! Stop trying to fit him into a box. People are just uncomfortable acknowledging male sexual fluidity. If this was a woman, you probably wouldn’t be saying the same thing!
I would. Women can be just a fickle as men.
I absolutely agree with Amy. People are always willing to categorize to fit their moral values or standards and expect the “in their heads” for the person to conform to that. I have studied sexual fluidity in males for years and identity. If Dean does not identify with bi is because he isn’t. For those of you who have never been exposed to the type of situation (most havent) Dean is dealing with, it is pretty common among men. Straight Men falling in love (romantically or sexually) with other straight men or gay men or vice versa. There is also…hang… Read more »
Thankfully Dean is more compassionate and willing to listen and explain than either you or Amy which makes it easier to hear him (not necessarily agree with him).
I don’t identify as straight either, and while I can’t say my relationship will never end I can say that I’m doubt full it will. My boyfriend for me is the one, I want to spend my life with him and start a family with him. So for me he is it.
My above reply is to Albert.
Hi there. There are two more articles now: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/love-love-isnt-jvinc/, and he has healed fully. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/straight-man-gay-relationship-works-jvinc/.
-Editor
It is possible to be straight and fall in love with someone of the same sex! People in prison forced to live with the same sex for decades will often have a same sex love affair. If you separate love from sex, one could fall in love without sexual attraction being the cornerstone. I mean we can stimulate ourselves sexually so why not someone we love and trust? And in turn we can be sexually attracted to someone without loving them. We should avoid assuming sex and love are the same thing.
I love your perspective on the dynamics of our nature; excellent article and story, thanks for sharing.
I love this column Mr. Iamele! Love is freedom; not interested in anything else and I love and am loved…thanks for sharing your beautiful story!
Amazing, is it not, what men can feel and be open to when not hemmed in by socialized norms of masculinity? Love and sex are more fluid than we know, but we’re locked into identifying roles at an early age. That’s not a bad thing, either, that’s fine for society, we definitely need that, but a lot of people can get lost along the way, and this is a story of finding yourselves again. Vomiting blood all day long is one way, as evidenced here. As odd as that is. But the big question for me is: will this relationship… Read more »
He commented on the original article, that the relationship is sexual and that he hopes to marry him someday.