I’m an Otherwise Straight Man (Who Fell in Love with His Best Friend)


It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my identity. It didn’t matter if it didn’t fit my sexuality. It just mattered if it brought me love.


I’ve always prided myself on being open. I’ll try any new therapy or modality or New Age idea—and, believe me, I’ve tried them all. I’ve done the self-work. I’ve “found myself.” I’ve even practiced my affirmations. I knew who I was, without a doubt.

That’s why I found myself in unfamiliar territory when I—the open guy, the “figured out” guy, the unquestionably straight guy—realized that I was in love with my best friend, a man. A man I had known for seven years. A man I had never before even thought of in a romantic way. But, there I was, in love.

Only it didn’t start out as love. See, two summers ago, I came down with a mysterious illness. Not the common cold kind. Not even the achy back kind. This was the kind where you vomit massive amounts of blood throughout the day. The kind where doctors pass you from specialist to specialist. The kind where you’re bent over in pain with tears in your eyes.

And my roommate, Garrett, one of my best friends at the time, took pity on me. He took care of me. He picked up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. He cooked me dinner. He stayed in on Friday nights to watch movies. He’d even rub my back when I was in pain.

Each day, I waited anxiously until he came home from work. My face lit up when he surprised me with my favorite dinner. I replayed conversations we had when I was alone. I missed him when he was gone.

Two months into this routine, I had a thought—a tiny, little thought—that I loved him. It seemed preposterous. It seemed laughable. I shooed it away immediately. But that thought started creeping into my mind whenever he was away. That thought sneaked in whenever he did something nice or made me laugh.

And it all came down to this moment—one moment when he was cooking me dinner, and he looked over and smiled at me. I knew this was it. This was the moment where I had to decide if I could allow myself to love a man against everything I had previously known about myself. This was the moment when I had to decide if I was going to take a step forward into this crazy idea of telling my best friend that I loved him.

There’s a certain freedom in a life-threatening sickness. There’s a certain liberation in staring down death in the face. It makes you do crazy things. It makes you unafraid to tear down the only identity you’ve ever known for a gamble. It makes you walk right up to your best friend and tell him that you love him.

So I approached him cautiously. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I opened my mouth and no words came out. Again, I tried, and all I could say was, “Garrett, I have something to tell you.”

He looked at me earnestly.

“Garrett, I think I’m in love with you.”

His expression changed to that of confusion.

“Well, you’ve been so great and taken care of me, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. But, if I’ve ever felt love, this is it. And, well — I think I’m in love with you.”

He stopped and thought for a moment. It was a long moment. Then he opened his mouth again and asked, “Do you miss me when I’m away?”

I nodded my head slowly — uneasily.

“Do you get excited to see me?”

I nodded again, this time with a hint of uncertainty.

He looked back timidly. “Well, then I think I might love you too.”

Read the entire story on MindBodyGreen.com, where this was originally published.

The question you’ve been asking of Mike and his partner:  How a Straight Man in a Gay Relationship Made It Work

What Mike learned after he shared his story: What Love Is & What Love Isn’t

Previously published on MindBodyGreen.com.

Photo: Giulio Zannol/Flickr


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About Mike Iamele

Mike Iamele is author of the provocative new book Enough Already: Create Success on Your Own Terms (Conari Press 2015), which takes a critical look at the dysfunctional pressures of modern success and leads readers through a powerful journey to create a new kind of success on their own terms. After recovering from a debilitating illness, Mike gave up his high-powered public relations career to find his own version of love, success, and happiness. As a regular contributor to national publications, as well as through his popular weekday success blog, Mike has encouraged millions of people to reject society’s blanket definition and create success for themselves. Get your copy of Enough Already on Amazon today.


  1. Kangarus says:

    There is a term for this sort of thing. It’s called pansexuality.

  2. There are 3 men in my life who I can honestly say I love beyond just friendship. We are all heterosexual and married. Intimacy is not an issue. Two of the men enjoy a full bodied tight hug. The third man and I are completely comfortable exchanging kisses on the lips and we always do upon greeting or departing from each other.

  3. The people on here presuming they have the right to correct the author on their sexuality is ludicrous! How could any of you possibly know his mind, his sexuality? If he says he is straight, but in love with a man – then he is straight in love with a man. It is not impossible. Love changes things.

  4. So Rob S. You are bi sexual? Right cause you are having sex with both a man and a woman.

  5. Here is another straight man to tell you it happens. Before you all say “he is really Bi” before this I made love with 9 girls and no boys. Then ,y live changed.

    Listen, the same thing happen to me and my best friend, John, 30 years ago, when we were each 22 and engaged. Sure we had both had gay fantasies in our lives but no sex with any male.

    Then one night it happen, or I kind of made it happen. We made love all night. We had been buddies 5 years and it would have never happened if we did not like, trust, respect, er, love each other. It took us 2 or 3 years to admit we loved each other, heck it took us a year to kiss each other on the lips.

    We both felt so guilty over of that it was hard to bear. But two nights later (in between we were with our girlfriends)we were back in bed together. We grew closer and I was the one who finally had to say the “L” word. We loved our wives to be also.

    We were “Best Man” at each others’ weddings, which took place about 6 months after we first slept together.

    We truly have been in love with each other and lovers now for 30 years. We both are married with 3 great, well adjusted kids each.. Our families are best friends, go on vacations together, in fact I would give up my life for him, his kids or his wife.

    We are both “normal” looking, never have been to a gay bar, never had sex with another man or woman (since we hooked up) except each other and our wives. I went to a therapist once (John was having guilt issues about 10 years ago) and he said as long as our wives knew, it was fine. Right, that easy to say, in a smaller size city.

    I know it is weird, perverted, etc. to you all (and would have been to me if I wasn’t living it) but to me and John, it has been a blessing and I don’t feel guilty at all. We both take care of our wives and families and don’t go off whoring around or gambling. But we have each other.. To share our hope, dreams and fears that you can;t share with a woman.

    For the dirty details, we probably spend the night with each other once a month, usually a weekender and in between we make love by having a lunchtime quickie once or twice in between. And we both make love to our wives as much as or more than to each other. Whatever it is, it has kept me sane all these years and I will be 53 in April.

    As for the future, we all plan to grow old together. As I told John, when our penises’ don’t work anymore, I will be fine with just snuggling with him for the night because it is not about sex, it about love and intimacy.

    • “But we have each other.. To share our hope, dreams and fears that you can’t share with a woman.” — Thank you for sharing your story, but can you please clarify this statement? A spouse, whether same sex or not, should be the person you could share those things with. I’m confused.

  6. Anonymous says:

    This kind of scenario might be plausible for a woman but I highly doubt that this would be the case for a man, let alone a straight man. Female sexuality is more fluid and it’s possible for a heterosexual woman to fall in love with another female and vice versa-a homosexual woman may fall in love with a straight man. Men are not like that…it seems that their sexuality is pulled towards one direction over the other. I don’t even think male bisexuality actually exists for that matter, it might just be that their sexuality is closer to one gender but with some sexual attraction towards the other.
    Either this guy lived in denial his whole life or completely fabricated either way the story is a hodgepodge of fallacies and it seems that gay men are Enamored by straight men based on some kind of Freudian logic or simply they want what they cannot have. Straight men might experiment with other guys when they are young but they are likely to stay with women. Biology exerts a powerful influence on male sexuality and I hate to sound superficial but physical features specific to either gender are associated with attraction. Why would a straight man give up the ability to have children for a gay man? It’s very counterintuitive.

  7. I really don’t know how I ended up here but am so glad I did. While reading I felt genuinely happy for you, a person I haven’t and probabily will never meet. And at the same time, I was proud of you for taking such a risk. You are a very strong and courageous man. I wish I had your strenght to fight for the man I love, but you sure have inspired me. So thank you !

  8. I currently have sex with another man once a month who’s straight and married. We’ve been friends for 17 year but he started going with me to gay bars for dancing and drinks here in Long Beach, CA. We started having sex about 4 years ago but identifies as straight.

  9. skeptic888 says:

    Labels are useful for communication but they’re also reductive. I think this is a wonderful love story between two humans. To wonder if they’re gay, straight, or bi doesn’t add any useful information. Are these men less worthy of respect (or more worthy) because of the labels they use or don’t use? Nor does it matter if they’ve always felt attracted to other men or only in their situation – they’re two adults who choose to love each other. I do wonder, and not for prurient reasons, why there’s no mention about sex, because certainly that’s an element in most love relationships and might be different territory for two straight men in love than for two gay/bi men in love. Is their’s a love but not sexual relationship? Did they find a way to accommodate sex along with their emotional connection? I think it’s worthy of a Part 2 article.

  10. Man, I am not a sappy person but this got me right in the feels! Got all teary eyed and everything. I hope you guys are happy – and stay that way.

  11. So, Mike, if you read these comments, can you please (pardon the pun) straighten out the issue of sexuality within your relationship? Everyone one commenting seems to assume that along with the acknowledgement of your love for each other, you are having sexual relations with each other. Did that follow or are the assumptions what most assumptions turn out to be?

  12. Such love. Thanks for sharing this. You don’t know how much it means to me for reading this. Thank you. You get well soon.

  13. WonderWoman says:

    I can believe this happening because love and sex are two different things. People often confuse the two especially with the whole argument on sexuality. You can be emotionally in love with someone and yet still be sexually attracted to someone else. That can either be, in love with someone of the same sex, but also physically attracted to someone of the opposite sex. I think it just depends on the person. It’s not about labels or sexual orientation. We fall in love with the person not the gender/sex.

  14. ‘m not against to any kind of human interaction to each human being,
    women are created for men, but love is too powerful to against with,
    try once to against your heart desire but, you’ll end up lying to yourself,(Lies is Sin)
    you may force yourself to fight against your feelings but, you’ll just end up hurting yourself.(Hurting is Sin)
    you tried to erase things that might makes you happy but, you’ll just end up killing yourself.(Killing is Sin)

    so never try to against your “HEART” because the heart is the only way you can feel the “LOVE”
    and “GOD” creates “LOVE” has no limitation of it.

  15. Michael Mohajer says:

    I am a gay male and I have never loved a man just because he was a man, or a certain “type”. The only 2 times I haver ever been in love was because of WHO they were, not because they had a penis and fit into a certain type that I liked. Love is universal and has nothing to do with penis, vagina, or skin color.

    • Love (the romantic kind) has a lot to do with genitals or I should say the package. But it kind does because if love was just about the person you would have as much chance of falling in love with a woman. But you don’t

      • My my aren’t you bitter Tiffany??? So you as a woman know more about male sexuality than these men explaining to you their life stories. I told you before that you are threatened by the idea of male sexual fluidity so you try to fit them into a box. You cannot deal with your insecurity that a man who falls in love with women also has the ability to fall in love with another man. So much woman’splaining coming from you. You’re just exposing yourself with your bitterness. Many women write about falling in love with women after having identified as heterosexual their whole lives. In fact, read all the comments and you’ll see some acknowledging that! Why are you not expressing the same bitter sentiments towards them? Because you need to police male sexuality in order to assuage your own insecurity and fears that a man that you’re with might leave you for another man. You’re not the only woman like this by the way. That’s why so many heterosexual as well as bisexual women tend to be biphobic and unaccepting of bisexual men or hetero flexible men. It threatens your female sexual power that you think you have over men. Notice that many straight men have no problem accepting bisexual and hetero flexible women. Deal with your insecurity and double standards. It will do you wonders.

        • I am honest about my insecurities Amy Glass. I have had an insightful conversation with a person on this board who is somewhat like the author which has thankfully not devolved into the screech fest that you seem to enjoy.

          As to lesbians, I am not a lesbian. I don’t sleep with women. They are not on my radar. But my feelings regarding the author would extend to them as well.

        • Denis Stone says:

          Well Amy, don’t you sound bitter here now. Being bitter is not a sin, though. Assuming she is only talking about men when she is clearly not, that she is threatened and that she even feels like she has sexual power over men… are you some kind of PUA dude in disguise or something?
          And yes, she admited she has problems. So that is how you want to tell someone to deal with their problems, shaming them? She wasnt even offending anyone.

          Many straight men have no problems with heteroflexible or bisexual women (who are mostly the same thing, just different names for the same orientation) because 1. they love that their women could even talk about other women’s gorgeousness with them, oh so exciting. 2. they want their dream threesome with another woman to happen. The rest is all about the machismo still existing in our society – and that includes these very same men, who accept bi women, hating on bi men.

          • Thank you so much Denis. I really find these discussions helpful but it really shows the limitations of commenters who have to screech at others because we don’t reflexively get “it.” I think what people forget is that in order to be tolerant/accepting you have to at least have some understanding. That is all I am trying to gain in this forum. This who non-labeling thing gets at my very core. So I am working on my understanding .

        • Crikey, there was nothing bitter in that comment – just an observation that is 99% true for most people. Why are you so bitter, Amy Glass, that you feel the need to jump all over someone trying to learn? Your lectures are tedious, and not as informed as you think they are. Humility is the beginning of wisdom. Start practicing now and someday you might actually be wise enough to help others learn and understand. Nothing you have written to/about Tiffany G was wise, because arrogant, strident, and full of assumptions.

  16. I find it completely appalling that people in the LGBTQ community are talking down from high pedestals, claiming that this isn’t possible. Seriously? We are immensely and infinitely complex beings and you’re claiming that it’s not possible? This is what was said about men loving men and women loving women not so long ago. Anyone who claims this isn’t possible is narrow-minded. Perhaps this is a form of pansexuality, him seeing past gender to love someone. Maybe it’s not. All I can say is good for him, I’m glad that he found love. Open your minds.

    • Dean,
      I’m very skeptical of someone who’s logic is base on religion. It just confirms how much they don’t know, or want to know, and how set in their ways they are.

  17. i can understand this story very much… because i am passing with something very similar.. and it is strange how humans want to have labels for everything.. and as a read the comments in here, i can see that people have prejudice with EVERYTHING that is different.
    i never looked at a woman in a sexual way.. but i am now in love with a friend and with her, and thats what matters.. about attraction and sex? is a work in progress, but i have to say i can get horny just with her.. i dont look at women like that.. and i still get aroused at looking at man.
    So.. it is not impossible! and i believe that we must have more cases like that all over the world.

  18. Reading the story carefully, you’ll notice that it has taken them both years to define what they have. For them, this is a relationship. Whether it is a coming out story or not, it’s a way a person found love. That was the point of this story. Whether gay, straight or bi, it’s about love. In a real relationship, it’s not about a role but what two people can do together for one another. I’m glad you found love sir, regardless of who it is with.

  19. Andreina Gamboa says:

    I think it all has to do with people’s definition of love… in my point of view: love and sexual attraction are very different things…
    Mothers love their children and that doesn’t involve sexual attraction (she would give her own life if it’s necessary to save his), so a man loving another man is something that people shouldn’t really take in a bad way.

    Yet a man feeling sexual attraction towards another man, is something that threatens the very own principles of love and the nature of men itself. I’ll explain this in a moment… love seeks the best for the people around us (it’s not whimsical or temperamental because it’s not a feeling, to use the same example, moms do not love their children one day and discard them the next day… it is a day by day decision), so, if we love life and consider the well-being of the people around us (using reason and not the heart), human race could be extinct if every man turns into gay people. No men, no continuity, no opportunity to love future generations, in other words, is something that in a large proportion or small proportion (if we talk about islands) could slowly destroy human race. It may sound hard, but it’s true…
    I know that many people probably wouldn’t want to listen, but believe me, God loves men and what he tells them not to do has a reason and is for their own good. We really really should stop questioning.


    Check the birth rate in Germany and Spain after you check this page; then look up at what those countries have had to do because the majority of the people in their countries is old or even larger than the proportion of children in their countries. I know in Germany the government helps you pay the costs of the birth (many young people do not want to have babies becuase of the costs and there are the other big amount of people that can’t have babies because of their sexual tendency)
    So… I repeat… it’s something that in large proportions could destroy human race… blessings.

    • ben in oakland says:

      You’re fundamental understanding of what being gay is makes your whole comment nonsense. The whole world is not going to turn gay. It didn’t in those cultures where being gay was not considered anything other than a characteristic, and it won’t now.

      Being gay means that I am attracted to men for love, sex, romance and family. Just because I am gay doesn’t mean that I don’t value children and family. What ion earth do you think all of the battles over marriage and adoption are about?

      If being gay EVER becomes the norm, we might get our population under control, instead of strangling ourselves with too many people. Every child will be a wanted child, not just an accidental by-product of heterosexual lust. We might even find that abortion becomes as rare as it should be.

      • The problem with most of these comments is that people want to say love is love and this is gay people. If love is love gay men would have as much of a chance of falling in love with a women as a man but that is not the case. People are attracted to genitals/the package first and then love is allowed. I will only believe love is love when a person who is wholly superficial falls in love with an ugg mugg. But what I see of this author is an polished man who probably had some attraction with men just not as a heightened as that with women and who probably fell in love with another polished man. At the beginning of the article he talks about his sense of adventure so I think he was kinda searching for it or at least always open to it. Talk to me when someone who truly is hetero falls in love with another hetero guy. If I could fall in love in a romantic way with another woman that would be true love or aspirational or something. His story is just a coming out story. He was a guy who dated women and then realized he was bi.

        • TiffanyG, your opinion gives every appearance of being based in self-centred ignorance. You are not entitled to issue these high-handed prognostications of yours. You just simply aren’t. Please go forth and shut up.

          • Tiffany is simply one of those arrogant women who think they can dictate male attraction and sexual behavior. You know, like Queen Victoria who decided to criminalize gay/bisexual men. Notice she never criminalized female homosexuality!!!

            • Denis Stone says:

              She is talking about ALL sexual behavior, not only men’s, though. The focus is on men in this article and that is why you are seeing it that way.

              And yes, she is JUST like Queen Victoria and wants to criminalize gay/bisexual men. Indeed.

            • Poor Queen Victoria. So misunderstood. Sorry, guys and gals, but her edict was not about some Terrible Mother desire to control men’s lusts but let women’s run rampant. No indeed. Poor Vicky simply could not wrap her head around the concept of lesbian sexuality, and as it did not exist, there was no need to criminalize it. Vicky liked her man’s sexuality very, very much – so she probably could understand male-male attraction. Still criminalized it as a terrible danger to all that is good in society – but she was by no means consciously giving women a break in order to solely oppress men.

          • Denis Stone says:

            I want to hear her mind. Who are you to tell someone to shut up and why would you believe they will obey? You are just another self-centered ignorant person.

            She is questioning in a not prejudiced way. She might have her limitations, but has been civilized all the way. Come on.

    • 1. What is it with you anti-gay wackos, i’m seriously you always take time to comment on gay article etc. Do you not value your time? I’m no fan of bigamy, so I don’t waste my time commenting on it.
      2. “every man turns into gay people” You don’t turn gay or straight or bisexual etc it’s an inborn trait. Sciences has shown that it is unchangeable, so it’s a non issue. Also women are gay as well.
      3. You assume that gay men and women do not want children, many do.
      4. We know how to create children with out sex, so once again the population is not at risk.
      5. The earth as a whole has a serious over population problem so once again no population risk.
      6. “God loves men and what he tells them not to do has a reason and is for their own good. We really really should stop questioning.” You speak to a logical issue yet speak of religion, the two do not mix.
      Many people do not fallow your religion so why should yours govern their lives? Further you religion also says that we shouldn’t wear mixed fabric, eat sea food and should stone disobedient children. Do you believe in all that to? Guessing no, so either let the gay thing go or start practicing all the bible not some.
      7. Just because a place is a gay friendly tourist spot does not mean it has a large number of gay residents.
      8. “know in Germany the government helps you pay the costs of the birth (many young people do not want to have babies becuase of the costs”
      Exactly the cost is the deterrent for couples not having children, it has nothing to do with gays. In fact a large number of the gay residents in Germany are same sex parents.
      9. Natural is defined as occurring in nature, well guess what same sex attraction/relations occurs in nature so by definition it’s natural. Perhaps it’s natural population control.
      10. You seem to think population is an issue, perhaps you should visit orphanages in Germany, China, and Mexico.

      • Drum some sense into that homophobe!!! Great job!

      • Dean I understand you. You can control or figure out things for those who don’t want to. Its just the way it is. Just know that for those who have chosen to broaden their horizons on the subjects of sexuality and identity, we know better. Those who use their beliefs to find answers, it is what it is for them and you will never be able to change that. So you can only live your life for you and what’s important to you.

      • im surprised you didnt take this tone with tiffany too, she really is no different

        • She is a homophobic bigot in disguise. They are the most dangerous kinds because they outwardly profess to not being homophobic.

        • Why am I no different. I think gay, bi and straight people are great. I am not threated by males getting together in a sexual way. I am not worried about the population. You don’t read just like Amy.

  20. It’s a very beautiful and romantic story. Though I should have liked to know if the protagonist of this story achieved heal fully.

    Also, I would like to say a important thing, I have the impression that this man clings to his former sexual identity. And I think that it is crucial that he assumes the new reality as soon as possible. He is no longer a heterosexual man; he is a bisexual man in a gay relationship (no matter the past).
    I have known people in a similar situation (a straight person who fell in love with a same-sex person) and the most of them used to say that: they were still heterosexual; they did not feel same-sex attractions; And they only feel same-sex attractions to their partners. Obviously, those relationships ended up wrong. That was mainly because they didn’t totally accept their gay feelings.

    I wish you good luck. Thank for sharing this story.

    • Agreed, but given the fact it sounds they have been dating for a while now, perhaps they have dealt with it in their own way

    • Agreed, I was trying to understand why I have such a problem with this article. I finally landed on the fact that it is convenient for him to be against labels now. But instead of saying bi which seems to be the fit he insists on saying otherwise straight. I guess as a racial minority it just hits me the wrong way.

      • I can’t speak for him but perhaps it’s not a matter of convenience for him to not use a label but a matter of not feeling a label that fits.

        As i’ve said I don’t try to label my self and that is because I don’t feel a fit or connection to a label. Perhaps he feels the same way. Bisexual is the closets fit but for someone who is only attracted to one man(myself) it doesn’t feel like a fit because in my mind a bisexual man is/has been attracted to multiple people of both genders. Straight doesn’t fit because of said attraction and neither does gay. I toyed with pansexual but I was attracted to my boyfriend sexually before emotionally so once again not a real fit.

        All that said if some presses or i’m say not in the mood to explain myself I do go with the bisexual label.

        But as i’ve said I can’t speak for him, perhaps he simply not secure in his sexuality.

        • Dean you seem to be in the glow of the moment with your partner. So while I value your feedback I also take it with a grain of salt. Right now your boyfriend/fiance seems to be all you see which is great. But as I have had said before the test is not in the now when you are in lovey gaga stage. The test is when the flush is gone. The test is if you ever break up. You said your boyfriend is gay so you are probably dealing with a lot more gay men. The longer that relationship lasts the longer that will be your reality. So if you break up where will you be comfortable. Plus the paradigm has shifted. You kinda mocked me but you now realize you can have an emotional and physical connection with a guy.that kinda changes how you will interact with other men. It was like at certain point I realized that I got a certain charge from interacting with older men. Before they had never been on my radar but of all of sudden I am looking at wider range. So I guess the but for this guy does not work out for me. How many guys do you have to be attracted to before you are bi? Is two sufficient. Realize I am having this conversation with myself as much as with you because I find it all fascinating and from semi-personal experience. I was on this dating website. This guy contacts me. Now his profile says straight but it also talks about being sexually adventurous. So I just ask him what does that mean: BDSM, bisexuality. He cops to all of the above. He says he is open to physical stuff with a guy but he could never have a relationship. I politely told him that while I appreciate everyone’s journey I am not interested in that and perhaps he should be open to putting in his profile that he is bisexual because that is a part of his package and it seems a bit like a bait and switch to not be upfront with this. Curious where does your boyfriend land when you say otherwise straight? I mean it would be an ego booster to think that off all the guys in the world he is the only one you would be attracted to but I am wondering if buys into the otherwise straight movement.

          • I’m not in a glow of the moment, we’ve been together for five years and in those years through a lot. We’ve been trough distance, sickness and family death. Breaking up while I can’t say it’s never going to happen, I can say I doubt it will. I plan on spending my life with him, starting a family with him.

            Actually i’m not dealing with more gay men, yes some of our friends are gay but most are straight. I had gay friends long before I met him, in fact my high school best friend was gay. So gay men have always been in my life.

            I did not intend to mock you, if I did I am sorry. The thing is though nothing has shifted, the way I interact with men is the exact same it was five years ago. Yes I can be physical with a man but the only man i’m aroused by and want to be physical with is my boyfriend. When I first saw my boyfriend I was physically aroused by him, no other man has ever gotten that reaction.

            I can’t speak for him, for me it comes down to how I view bisexuality. In my mind a bisexual has been/is attracted to multiple member of both genders. If I had ever been aroused by another man outside of my boyfriend i’d probably identify as bisexual.

            So you won’t date a bisexual guy? A monogamous one of course.

            I don’t label my self as otherwise straight or even straight, if I did my boyfriend would not be ok with it. When we first started dating I did and he was not ok with it and was worried I would leave him. If I have to go with/say a label I do say bisexual, personally though I don’t identify with it or any label.

            • No I am not open to dating a monogamous bisexual man. It has to do with my own issues. Even though my tone may come across as a know it all. I don’t know jack about much except for me. Being involved with a bisexual man would bring out a bunch issues that result from my own past or non-existent past with my father. I know it sounds cliché but that stuff is real. This is going to sounds judgy so forgive me. I would always see the bisexual person as wishy washy. I would always wonder if we would have to have the dreaded conversation of adding a third or opening up our relationship. If the relationship ended and he went to a dude that probably would be something that I would obsess about. A lot of this has to do with growing up in a world where men are kind of exulted so like men I have my own misogynistic thoughts. You know the classic am I enough. I am very black and white when it comes to things so I can deal with labels. Labels really comfort me. Your denial of a label challenges me. In a good way but it still challenges me. So if a gay says he is straight to me he is dateable, if bi or gay he could be my very best friend.

              I also wonder if we did a poll how many straight women would date a bisexual man.
              Women crave safety.

            • That doesn’t come off as judgy, it comes off as forgive me but stereotyping. Most of your fears are things the bisexuality community has to deal with as stereotypes. Yes some are tools who think they are entitled to date everyone but most are very monogamous and happy with who they are with. Those that want a third etc it’s not their sexuality it’s them as a person(think sister wives, straight but a tool).

              As far as the whole wishy washy thing, all the bisexuals I have met prefer one gender to the other. In some cases that is the same and others the opposite. I think i’ve only ever met one that really didn’t have a preferred gender.

              For me it’s not so much a denial of labels, logically I know that I must be some level of bisexual. It’s just that I don’t feel a connection to/identify with it. For a while I was pretty obsessed with figuring it out and finding a label that truly fit and that real stressed me. So final I stopped trying to find that fit.

              It would be interesting to do a poll, most of the straight women I know would. My sister is actually married to a bisexual man.

              It comes down to personal preference and of course if your not comfortable with it you shouldn’t do it.

            • I am over this discussion because for some it has devolved into a screech fest. I am always open to learning so thank you for sharing your time with me and to be honest it has made me think a little differently. My boundaries are mine but I definitely get that for some people they are fluid. I will have to get past my label issue at some point but for me right now the world is changing so much that I will hang on as long as I can. I wish you and your guy luck and love. I am all for love believe it or not. I am raising my niece and nephew and trying to raise them in a way where they feel comfortable loving who they want to. So as I bat it out (nicely) with you on the net it helps in some ways for me to be open to whatever they may bring to the kitchen table. Have a good day.

            • Thank you, I wish you the best as well. Also thank you for being respectful, which online is rare. Have a good day.

          • Hey TiffanyG, I’m curious how issues with your father affect your views on being with a bisexual man. I really want to know if you’ve read a correlation somewhere about it.

        • I would not want to personalize the debate. But, in response to your observations, I would like to say that, anyway, an external analysis could be more accurate and more objective.

          In many cases, the path of the self-acceptance is very hard (I refer specifically to the full acceptance of its gay feelings), it can be like climbing a high and steep mountain. And, in this situation, willpower and determination are necessary to start and continue that path.
          I completely understand that for bisexual men is harder this path (of the full acceptance of their gay feelings). In fact, in this group the success rate (on this issue) is very low compared to gay men (monosexual). Really, there are two possibilities: self-acceptance or self-rejection. Unfortunately, the most of them opt for the self-rejection.

          Just as a person cannot be a little hetero or a little gay, so too a person cannot be a little bisexual. Therefore, a bisexual person is entirely bisexual though he doesn’t feel it like that or he is not conscious about that. The intermediate stages are simply levels of self-acceptance (or self-rejection, depending on how one interprets it), because the reality is that there are only three sexual orientations: hetero-bi-gay.

      • TiffanyG says:
        I was trying to understand why I have such a problem with this article

        Well. At least you’re now admitting the problem is on your end. I suppose that’s progress. Not enough, but it’s a start.

        instead of saying bi which seems to be the fit

        Excuse you: you don’t get a vote on what label, if any, is “the fit”. It’s none of your business. The only votes that count are those of the people in the relationship.

        he insists on saying otherwise straight

        Oh, the nerve! Insisting on self-identifying!

        I guess as a racial minority it just hits me the wrong way.

        Your race is irrelevant to this story. For that matter, you are irrelevant to this story. It’s not about you.

        • Daniel, It is about me. Just like it is about you and you show me that you know it is about me and other who feel the need to label when you respond to my comments so thanks. Writers write for themselves and for others. My experience with this author’s story is biased but that’s okay. My race has a lot to do with how I view it. I can’t choose to be black…that is the label assigned to me by society at large. I can rail against it but that would be fruitless.

      • I think labels are just used for communication… The author actually mentions that he understands the need to use labels, but also that they can be limiting…

        That said, I believe that sexuality is a choice, yet it is VERY HARD to just decide to change it. Unconscious choices made at a very young age are hard to change, and sometimes genetics plays a large factor as well. If you combine dietary factors with unconscious choices and genetics, you can get results that are nearly impossible to change… Yet if you really WANT to change badly, then seeing a hypnotist, or a neuro-linguistic practitioner may just be your ticket to making a new unconscious choice. (This applies to many, many things besides which gender you’re more attracted to.)

        So yes, you can choose your sexuality, and over your lifetime, you have chosen it. But that doesn’t mean that gay people are diseased, or even that they made a bad choice. They didn’t consciously decide, “oh I’m going to like people of the same gender.” (And even if they did, so what?) And for some, genetics play such a large role that hypnosis won’t change it. There would need to be other large changes as well. Yet, some gay people who really didn’t want to be gay anymore have found themselves “cured” through hypnosis.

        There are plenty of people on the planet, and we don’t all need to procreate, and we don’t even need to be attracted to the opposite sex to procreate. Therefor, since being gay doesn’t block someone’s ability to be compassionate, logical or ethical, I see no reason whatsoever to have a problem with gay people.

        It would make more sense to have something against people who drink or smoke, since that alters perception, judgement and ability to be ethical.

        That said, I find someone’s choices about smoking and drinking to be MUCH more important than their choices on who to be sexual with.

        And so, to mean, whether this man is straight, gay or bi is irrelevant. The point is that he found love, and that he is sharing his experience with us. That’s just my take on it. 🙂

    • Why should he identify as bi or gay? Clearly, his attractions are fluid and he could swing back in the opposite direction and start dating a woman again! Stop trying to fit him into a box. People are just uncomfortable acknowledging male sexual fluidity. If this was a woman, you probably wouldn’t be saying the same thing!

      • I would. Women can be just a fickle as men.

      • I absolutely agree with Amy. People are always willing to categorize to fit their moral values or standards and expect the “in their heads” for the person to conform to that. I have studied sexual fluidity in males for years and identity. If Dean does not identify with bi is because he isn’t. For those of you who have never been exposed to the type of situation (most havent) Dean is dealing with, it is pretty common among men. Straight Men falling in love (romantically or sexually) with other straight men or gay men or vice versa. There is also…hang on to your seats because it coming and no one can stop this…. SEXUAL FLUIDS… yes it actually does exist and it pertains to people like Dean who doe not feel the need to box himself for anyone other than himself and the upcoming generations understand that. So please quit trying to box someone to fit your standards because you NEVER know the full story but the person who is living it. And as amy say, who knows, he may very well return to women should this five year relationship end… no one knows. There is also SMSM (Straight Men who have sex with Men) and that can include romantic feelings or can be lack it and it is very prevalent and no one can stop that cause it happens all the time. Need more information on what I am saying. Look up these links. I for one understand Dean, if he identifies as straight, he probably is. Who are we to tell this man who he is. He probably has studied what most still dont know about straight men. There is much to know and men who are open minded to take the time to study what’s out there will always be a stop closer to figuring things out without having to label themselves for anyone. People want to label you…let them. Its all about who you are and how you feel and being authentic with yourself. Everything else, it’s all noise. Want more information on what I’m talking about. see these links. This is happening and its real because I’m a walking breathing example of it.d I’m sexually fluid and very proud of it. And that is not saying I’m bisexual. I, nor anyone on this panel needs to make a case for Dean or the person who wrote this story. But for those who don’t understand and need a more clinical understanding of what I’m talking about. I hope this helps you. Its not for you to understand or judge, but for your information only. You may get it, you may not… and that’s OK.





        • Thankfully Dean is more compassionate and willing to listen and explain than either you or Amy which makes it easier to hear him (not necessarily agree with him).

        • I don’t identify as straight either, and while I can’t say my relationship will never end I can say that I’m doubt full it will. My boyfriend for me is the one, I want to spend my life with him and start a family with him. So for me he is it.

    • JJ Vincent says:
  21. It is possible to be straight and fall in love with someone of the same sex! People in prison forced to live with the same sex for decades will often have a same sex love affair. If you separate love from sex, one could fall in love without sexual attraction being the cornerstone. I mean we can stimulate ourselves sexually so why not someone we love and trust? And in turn we can be sexually attracted to someone without loving them. We should avoid assuming sex and love are the same thing.

  22. I love your perspective on the dynamics of our nature; excellent article and story, thanks for sharing.

  23. I love this column Mr. Iamele! Love is freedom; not interested in anything else and I love and am loved…thanks for sharing your beautiful story!

  24. Amazing, is it not, what men can feel and be open to when not hemmed in by socialized norms of masculinity? Love and sex are more fluid than we know, but we’re locked into identifying roles at an early age. That’s not a bad thing, either, that’s fine for society, we definitely need that, but a lot of people can get lost along the way, and this is a story of finding yourselves again. Vomiting blood all day long is one way, as evidenced here. As odd as that is. But the big question for me is: will this relationship be a lasting one? Is it just a bromance?

  25. To the idea of being gay or straight in terms of sexual attraction, yet being able to fall in love with the other than your sexual attraction …
    For me personally it doesn’t work this way, I’ve never in any way felt the same way romantically towards a woman as I’ve felt towards a man, yet majority of my closest best friends in my past were all females, I could simply not imagine feeling that way towards them.

    I’m not beating down the fact that this story (and the people mentioning the disassociation between sexual and romantic attraction) could be true, because in the end everyone is different, but it definitely has never worked this way for me personally and it’s admittedly difficult to imagine/understand.

    And to people going on about how the sexual questions are irrelevant … I personally don’t think they are, I think it would actually be very interesting to know how exactly someone in this situation experiences their “love making” part, because this would also help us understand the whole gender and sexuality thing a lot better in the long run.
    Because for all we know they have a platonic relationship (since we can’t know at all based on this story, it only has mention of romance, not a word on sex at all) or they might be an open platonic relationship where they still date with women?
    Yeah, from human interests view of point I’m very curious about this part as well.

    But all in all, this is a beautiful story and I do hope, that regardless the circumstances and details, the 2 of you can work it out and be happy and feel the joy of love, the most beautiful feeling in the world. 🙂

    • Apparently this is a just another coming out story that he wanted to make super salacious by hanging on to the straight moniker. He is either gay or bi but he is not straight and heteroflexible is not gonna cut it. I guess you gotta make that money or get exposure and making this story more than it was was his way of doing that.

      • Why do you feel the need to categorize it? You know all you need to know.

      • I’ve noticed that many women are threatened by the idea that men’s attractions could be fluid so for their own peace of mind, they like to fit men in boxes!!!

        • Denis Stone says:

          Of course many people are unfamiliar or uncomfortable (or even threatened, who knows) with new ideas about sex and sexuality. That happen with women and men, about women or men. That woman you are replying did not show any signs of it, though.
          In fact, if you research about it, it is indeed straight men who feel desperate when facing the truth about people’s, and mostly men’s (their own) sexual fluidity.

          • Not true. Many women display homophobia and absolutely refuse to date bisexual men or any man who admits to have experimented earlier in his life. They are absolutely threatened by male sexual fluidity. Men (gay or straight or bisexual) are less prejudiced about dating bisexual men and bisexual women or heterofelexible women. Even some bisexual women display biphobia against bisexual men.

      • Nowhere in the article was there a mention of having sex with each other. Once again, the reader’s hang-ups are what is being commented on instead of what was actually in the article.

      • You have no idea Tiffany… You’re looking at this from a very Labeled and uneducated type of societal “norm” we have to realize that we are capable of love in ALL forms! It might not fit into your mold of whats normal but I commend him for sharing this story and knowing that his sexual preference is different from whom he loves!!! GOOD for him!

      • I agree Anonymous. When will let go of the need to categorise and divide. Who cares the label, who cares the category or bath number or stereotype. What matters are the issues of the heart. The rest is created and we have a world so divided that I fear we will never all just live together happily.
        This guys fell in love. That’s what we need in this world. These two guys will sort the rest if we just leave them alone.

      • Lady, you are so closed minded, I feel very sad for you. The point he is getting across is that love has NO gender. It has nothing to do with being heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual. Can’t you just take it as that?

        • virussella says:

          …this is love between friends of same gender…i don’t think it would develop as a straight man to woman relationship…maybe the two of them happen to be latent homosexuals…

      • Basic etiquette in the queer community: As you define your sexuality for yourself, so do you not define others’ sexuality for them. If the author says his identity is mostly-straight-with-an-iota-of-gay; bisexual; a 1 on the Kinsey scale; or even turquoise unicorn with vanilla-mint swirls, then that is HIS IDENTITY. Far be it for you or anyone else to gainsay it. Far be it for the author, or me, or anyone else to gainsay your own self-proclaimed identity in kind.

        Get it?

      • I couldn’t agree with you more, and it’s no disrespect to the guy. You are latent gay or you are bi, and okay! But this story I am sooo straight hits me as either serious denial or just plan disingenuous.

    • I’m happy to see love whereever we allow ourselves to find it.

      Nick, I have to agree that my experiences match your own. Too often the “sexuality” part of the word “homosexuality” is the focus and most people can’t seem to get past that to understand that the attraction is more than just wanting and being able to enjoy sexual encounters but includes the emotional connection, just like the emotional connection between most opposite -sex couples.

    • Barry Hingley says:

      Well done excellent article!Glad your happy &please with loving &partner!31yrs with same man &they said our kind don’t last!Still cooks my fav meals! &took care of moi in long recovery process!After major heart attack!Couldn;t ask for better life partner &lover &best friend!

    • Nick, on a reply to this story, while not going into too much detail, Mike did respond to that question (wish he would answer questions here) about the fact their relationship is physical (which includes sex as well as emotional and hope he hopes to be married soon.
      He wouldn’t go beyond that but it is a relationship in every sense of the word.

  26. Willem Sterrenberg-Breedt says:

    Oh this made may day! Thank you for sharing this very insprirational story. My faith in true love has been restored!

    • Really, this story of a guy realizing he was bisexual is what restored your faith in true love… you really didn’t have far to go.

  27. carlos s. says:

    I found the story beautiful. I did not have to look for details, e.g. sex, intimacy, who’s top, bottom, etc. Love does NOT have to equate to physical intimacy, and I think the emotional connection between two people, regardless of gender, can be sufficient. Those who are left hanging by the lack of sexual details are only looking for tabloid material to read.

    • every gay man’s fantasy this seems in the erotic sense unlikely unless the guy is a closet homosexual, which to me seems to be the case,

      • Don’t every gay mans fantasy, sure some but most actual want a man who is turned on by them.

      • Thank you. Let the straight moniker go it’s okay.

        • I’m not clinging to straight.

          • Dean that was not really directed at you. But…your current relationship notwithstanding are you still attracted to women and how does that work? Is your partner bi too? I am sorry I am pretty boring in my heterosexuality so this is all fascinating to me.

            • Sorry, thought it was.

              Yes I’m still attracted to women, it’s pretty simple i’m turned by/attracted to my boyfriend(hopefully soon to be fiancé) and turned on by women. I’d say attracted to but i’m not interested in pursing someone outside my relationship. I’m very monogamous that way.

              My boyfriend is gay.

          • Denis Stone says:

            You don’t have to answer. But that is just too curious.

            Do you feel attracted to his body, his male, manly body? As in, visually aroused? And his penis? Are you attracted to it as well? Do you engage in oral sex (giving)? If yes to all of that… I find it so, but so interesting that you would not feel attracted to other males or other penises. Very peculiar.
            Hope you guys have a great life!

    • No we are trying to see what makes this different from a really deep friendship. Sex is important.

  28. As a gay man, I could love a woman, but it’s the sex part that defines my sexual orientation. Emotional intimacy is something we all do everyday without limit to gender. It’s the physical intimacy that changes things.

    • Amy glass says:

      So all the men who married women and had sex and kids with them, and then came out of the closet as gay, you are saying that they are not really gay since they are able to perform with a woman? Are they bisexual then? If that’s the case, then gay men are a tinier minority of the population than we even think. There are not a lot of “gold star” gays- those who have never slept with women. Actually, I’ve always believed that since men are not allowed to be sexually fluid as their female counterparts by both the straight and gay community, many men who identify as gay are really bisexual but they identify as gay for convenience sake. You might be onto something!!!

  29. When I was 19 I had a straight male buddy who always wanted to hang with me. He knew I was gay and always felt he needed to protect me. He was very masculine and was a body builder. I started to get feelings for him and I pushed him away for fear of rejection to the point of saying I had met someone. He didn’t take the news well and cried. I felt like crap for lying to him and knowing he had feelings for me. Could not turn back. Regretted it ever since.

  30. Hey I have an idea!! Lets judge everyone about their curiosity!!! Please… why would I give a crap about anyone’s opinion on my wondering if they are having sex? If I have to read all the stuffy comments about how love is love and that’s all that matters then ya’ll can stand to read our questionings of their sexuality. To be gay yes.. it means falling in love with the same sex and unlike what the religious wrong & the conservative narrow minded uptights think, it doesn’t always mean everyone’s having sex or all we are in it for is JUST lots of sex. I always say if you can’t have sex anymore at some point in your life with the person you “love” would you still really be interested? If you can have a relationship without sex and still be there.. congrats. That’s a powerful thing. However… men are very sexual in nature so to be in a relationship for the most part it means taking things to a sexual level as soon as possible… or in my case as soon as a connection is made. Even someone like me who is 41 and can count the amounts of times I’ve had sex on 2 hands (I have to be in love or have a connection or its a waste of time so I’ve been mostly celibate by choice) I wouldn’t want a relationship without sex because for me its about the intimacy and sharing yourself with the one you love. I can think of nothing more beautiful than being in love and making love to the person you’re in love with. It’s part of the whole story in my opinion. To just be in love is not enough for me is missing something. That’s not me judging him either. To each his own really. It just makes me all the more curious if they are that intimate because I feel it would be even better and really bring them together as a couple. Its a cute and sweet story though. Something I wish I had. I don’t think its falling in love with your caretaker either. They were roommates & friends before his illness struck so there was a foundation already for them to build upon. I just can’t see them moving very far forward without at least being intimate like kissing or cuddling or at least sleeping in the same bed. Sometimes… those things can be enough. After 2 years tho… I’d say there IS at least some level of intimacy. You can see it all over whats been written. If not you missed it big time.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Talk about twisting a narrative to make it fit your pre determined conclusion.
    You can love someone without being physically attracted to them. You can be intimate without having sex; but if you have sex with him, then you are not “straight”.
    Many people “fall in love” with their care taker, or their psychiatrist, or anyone who they achieve a sense of intimacy with.
    Sexual orientation is not something that “happens”. You are primarily attracted to men or women or both. Having one experience doesn’t make you gay anymore than most gay people who have had heterosexual sex are straight because of it.

  32. I have two questions or issues with this story. One, he falls in love with his caregiver during a major illness, isn’t this common among healthcare workers in such circumstances. I would like to know if they had ever considered this or been counseled about it. Two, unless their love has become sexuallized, what’s the big deal in loving a male friend. I miss my male friends when they are gone and I’m excited to see them return. We smile and hug one another, and truly love one another. He does not say more than this in his story. Is it odd for straight men and to love one another? Did he not love his friend before the illness? What does he mean by “I fell in love with my friend”?

  33. Nicole haney says:

    Beautiful an thats how love happens.Everyone. says your born this way that way noo love is born.It stars as a slow glow or a instant spark but its not planned an cant be pinpointed.Im a female a mother of four sins Ive been married 16 years an im in love with a friend a female she has no clue an if asked im sure all our mutual. Friends. Would pick the wrong girl thats how far off the mark this is .I feel strange an go out of my way for other females in the circle to take any attention to my true feelings for my real love away so im very inspired. By your story an honestly know that moment when its not a question. In your mind but a acknowledgement. In your heart I hope i can find the courage. You did.BEST WISHES AWESOME AWESOME. STORY .THANK YOU.

  34. I think this story was very touching! I just was unclear if you two are a couple or two best friends that love each other ?

    • Exactly. I had was only child and when I got to college I met a girl (I’m a girl) who I really liked. She mentored me in makeup and cooked for me because my parents didn’t teach me to cook. I got happy when I saw her. We ate breakfast lunch and dinner together. I never felt like I wanted to kiss her or do anything sexual and it not clear that this author felt that with his friend. And although I felt very close to her I never would have said I was in love with her. Taking at face value he is describing his ability to feel safe with someone outside his family as “being in love.” Which sounds like a lot of close female friendships and everyone here so protective over his ability to just spout a story with huge gaps but really what is he risking. Because loving someone in the way he describes is not taboo to anyone but him.

  35. George VanWinkle says:

    So many of the comments seem to focus on sex, while completely missing the most important truth in the entire article. You found someone to love who loves you right back. .

  36. That’s the thing sexuality for some is fluid, I like this man was straight my entire life until around 25. Meaning I was/had only been attracted to women, until I met this incredible guy who I found my self very attracted to. As we became friends that attraction grew and I fell in love with him. Those feelings for him confused me for a while because outside of him I wasn’t attracted to men. I started dating him and like this man I still said I was straight with him as the one exception. Five years later we’re still together and i’ve stopped caring about labeling myself, what matter is that I’m in love with him.

    So my point is if he is happy and so is his boyfriend then screw labeling him self.

    • But you answered the question and I hope your relationship continues to work. But I always question the whole but for him I am straight. To be honest once you shift the paradigms of sexuality you kinda obliterate the straight moniker. Hence you are now open to kissing a guy and having sex with him. So let’s say you break up with your current fellow the new male friendships you have are no longer black and white. You now know you can kiss a guy and like it and those friendships have the flexibility to deepen into something more and that is okay. I guess my problem is not with sexual fluidity it is with the need to hang on to the moniker of straight. You are now bi and that is okay but straight no longer applies.

      • “Hence you are now open to kissing a guy and having sex with him. So let’s say you break up with your current fellow the new male friendships you have are no longer black and white.”

        Yes I can kiss a guy and even have sex with one except outside of my boyfriend I have zero interest in doing either with another guy. My friendships are still black and white as I’m not attracted to them, where as my boyfriend I am attracted to. He was and still is the only man i’ve ever been sexually attracted to.

        You may see it as bisexual and maybe it is, as I said at this point I’ve stopped trying to label it. If someone ask I tell them i’m in love with a guy so check into what ever box you need me in.

        • Here’s the thing. Labels do matter to some degree. I am straight. You are not. Nothing wrong with that. But the non-labeling brigade needs to stop. If you thought you were straight and now are having a sexual/romantic relationship with a dude. You are not straight anymore. If you still are attracted to women and could see yourself having an erection in relationship to a woman you are not gay. We created the term bisexual for this. The otherwise straight thing is cop-out. I hope you and he stay together for ever and every. But you might not. So if you breakup. I can almost guarantee that you will be with a dude. See your paradigm has shifted.

          • Bisexual is a term used to describe someone is attracted to men and women, I am attracted to women and this one man. I am turned on by him completely, no other man. If I look at other guys or put on gay porn I remain soft, if I think about him i’m anything but soft. If we did break up, I doubt i’d be with another man. If I met one who I was attracted to then sure i’d go there but considering in 30 years i’ve only met one man i’m attracted id’ say the chance of that are slim.

            It’s fine that you see me as non straight/ bisexual, I don’t care and for me a label doesn’t matter. I’m not clinging to any label, I don’t bother. I love him and plan on spending my life with him and that is what matters.

            • I agree no need to defend your current relationship I am really not attacking that relationship. But seriously if you break up you really think that you are going back to women? I would love to fast forward.

            • I know your not attacking it and I plan on marrying him and spending my life with him. If something happens It’s not a matter of I think i’m going back to women, it’s simple matter of outside of him that is what i’m attracted to. I’m attracted to women.

              You call me bisexual yet say go back to women like it’s impossible for a man to date both(at different times).

            • I’m in a similar relationship with my husband and at the end of the day, he loves me and I love him and all that goes with it.

            • Amy glass says:

              The fact that she says if you break up with your current guy, you will never go back to women says it all. I told you that TiffanyG is one of those women who are threatened by and insecure about male sexual fluidity. They want to keep the man box alive and constantly conflate/equate masculinity with heterosexuality. So, for their own sense of stability, safety and peace of mind, they label any man who has ever been attracted to/had sex with another man even once as gay for life. They will brand you as gay for life even if you’ve fallen in love with 100 women and only one guy. It is the same reason they refuse to date any man who identifies as bisexual or who has had a history of experimentation with another/other males because they think, behind it all, he is really gay and only pretending to be attracted to women. She was pretending for a second that she believed in male bisexuality but she doesn’t even believe in that let alone in your situation (heterosexual guy who falls in love with that one guy who is the only guy that does it for him). I know her type and have come across them. They are a dime a dozen. As you explained, you are attracted both sexually as well as romantically to WOMEN in general but only attracted to ONE man- your current boyfriend. Yet she still persistently insists that once you break up with your current boyfriend, you will continue dating men and that you’re only kidding yourself if you think you’ll ever date women again. She is simply couching her “arguments” a little more nicely so you might think she is different from the more honest and outright bigots but she is in the same boat as them. She has made it abundantly clear in her numerous comments that she doesn’t believe in male sexual fluidity and that any man who has sex with another man even once is tainted for life with “da ghey.” She managed to fool you but she cannot fool me. She is a wolf in sheep clothing. I know her type and have come across them. She, along with many others, revel in maintaining the strict masculinity barometer that keeps many men in strait jackets and prevents them from exploring both emotionally and sexually. People like her will claim that they are not homophobic and they might indeed not have any problems with men who strictly identify as gay, but they wreak havoc by policing the lives of men who are anything else other than strictly gay. By branding a bisexual man, heteroflexible man or men in your situation as simply gay men in denial, they are trying to police male sexuality and keep you guys in line by wielding the threat of homophobia over a straight-identified man’s head: “if you dare experiment or get too close with another man, I will call and label you for the rest of your life going forward as the worst thing one can call a man- gay.” Basically, that’s their motto. This is part of the reason why women are far more likely and feel freer to identify as bisexual, heteroflexible, or simply straight women in love with another woman because nobody uses the threat of homophobia to police their sexuality. It boils down to this: women are slut-shamed and men are fag-shamed. Of course, there are crossovers, intersections, and exceptions.

  37. I think the questions of physicality are the fluff. The “otherwise straight” opening statement I feel was the point only that there was an emotionally awakening moment that a guy could openly express love to another fellow outside of the boundaries of sexual labels. I don’t believe in strict sexual boundaries. I have never been attracted to another man but I am also not saying there would never be a time where I might be. That opportunity just simply never happened nor did it occur to me to actively seek it out.

    So I am at this moment a straight man and probably based on results continue to be one. The physical intimacy I experience with another person cannot in itself change my viewpoint of my sexuality so that I must choose a suddenly new label and self identity for the sake of making others feel comfortable with seeing me as one thing or another. Good for you guys.

    I also agree with Tom. I love my dogs but am not into bestiality. I love my best friend a guy whom we’ve been like brothers since we were 13. But there has never been a moment where we expressed that in any other way except the love means we know each of us always has each other’s backs.

  38. Jack Colwell says:

    Yes, but some of us still want to know: has it or has it not become sexual… since it happened two summers ago? Are you two still in love with one another – platonically or otherwise? I don’t think it’s that uncommon for two men – or two women, for that matter – to truly, deeply love one another… as in, being deeply bonded closest of friends – perhaps even for life. And in fact, I’m pretty sure you can even have that kind of a relationship with more than one man, or one woman, at a time. But when you say that you are “in love” with someone, or that you have “fallen in love” with someone, generally speaking it is understood that there is a sexual component to that kind of relationship… or, at least, that you are perhaps desirous of a sexual relationship with th
    e person you are in love with, otherwise isn’t it really just deeply loving another person… albeit maybe for the first time in your life? Maybe that is a first for this writer, and that’s great. But that is not that unusual, or transformative, for millions of other people who have these kinds of relationships all the time.

    So Mr. Iamele, can you tell us: what has happened in the past two years?
    And thanks for sharing this obviously deeply-felt epiphany.

  39. Straight, gay, bi… whatever. You’ve found someone who you love and who loves you. Sexual, asexual… which ever way you find to express your love for each other, I hope you both get fulfillment from it. I’m delighted for you both.

  40. Scott Mellon says:

    What if a straight woman had written this about her best friend? Would it even be noteworthy? What is it about straight men that this is seen as unusual?

    • Exactly! And if it was a straight woman, none of the commenters would be relentlessly inquiring about whether they are having physical sex because sex between two women is not stigmatized or seen as disgusting! The only reason they are pestering him about that question is because they think sex between 2 men is a high bar to overcome for a straight or heteroflexible or even bisexual man. But they all claim to not be homophobic or have double standards. I, however, have my doubts and like you, I firmly believe this wouldn’t have been a big deal had a woman written it. Women are allowed more latitude in their sexuality in this homophobic society!!!

      • Amy Glass you are a sexist. Go talk to some hardcore butch dykes about their lives. Yeah, women are never raped, murdered, imprisoned, etc., for violating gender norms. Life is just a free-for-all party for women every day of the week. Wow.

  41. Tom Brechlin says:

    I’m presuming that given the “otherwise straight” he took it to an sexual level? If he hadn’t included the “straight” aspect, it would have simply been a story about the great affection two men have with one another. Was it the intent of elude to their becoming sexual?

    I have male friends whom I love but never gave it a thought to take it to a sexual level. In my circle of men,it’s not uncommon to tell one another “I love ya man.”

    We have two new Golden Retriever puppies that I have “fallen in love” with. So what does “fall in love” mean? Doesn’t have to have anything to do with sex, does it?

  42. This is a heartwarming piece, but absent details about whether this relationship has become physically intimate, it’s meaningless fluff.

    Why? And why can’t I just be thrilled with a great love story?

    Because of this part of the title: “I’m an otherwise straight man…”

    Okay, so what does that mean? If he identifies as “straight,” I assume he believes he falls on the spectrum of sexual desire more toward the opposite sex. That’s fine, as would be any other point he might fall on. But since he made a point in the [attention grabbing] title to point out that he’s “otherwise straight,” why aren’t we hearing about how that worked out? Is his love interest also “straight,” or flexible somehow, or whatever?

    GMP claims to be having the conversation no one else is having. If so, then have it. I’m sorry, but this story is not worthy of the good work this site does without going much deeper than this fluff piece- again, based on the title. The title suggests a conflict of some sort. Either play that out, or leave this be. It is a very nice story. But it’s meaningless without attempting to describe the inherent conflict that might be afoot in a relationship like this- yeah, the one the title sells you on.

    • Apart from it being a heartwarming and beautiful story, isn’t it worthy of being on The Good Men Project because it shows another side, one not often mentioned or encountered, to the male psyche?

      • To me it just sounds like another gay dude’s coming out story. Lovely but the straight moniker was misleading. Tons of gay dudes had sex with females before coming to terms with their identity.

  43. I find that people who have these stories are just people who are in dysfunctional relationships and situations but need to turn it into something that makes it all okay.

    The fact of the matter is, the details do need to be shared. Is shame the root of this dynamic? Are you able to be intimate? Affectionate? You’ve just turned love, something so simple, into this oblique concept.

    • Could you clarify a bit? I don’t know what you mean….

    • My my, how bitter! I hope you find the same kind of love to make up for that bitterness!

      • Now you have correctly identified bitterness and responded with appropriate compassion. You could not do likewise for Tiffany – who has been immensely more respectful and self-aware than JP. Interesting – it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with Tiffany being a woman and JP a man, could it? Naw!!

  44. Dennis Wagester says:

    A heart warming love story. I’ve never heard love explained any better. The best for you always.

  45. Shawn Allen says:

    Maybe it’s time to expand our rather limited ideas about relationships and intimacy. This is really only a problem (for some people) if you equate Love and Sex.
    Real Love doesn’t see gender. It’s about a connection. We tend to get hung up in words like Love or “In Love” – meaningless arguments except for the people in the relationship. Only they know what they mean and how they feel.

  46. Awesome story! I thought that I was alone (besides the guy I love) in this circumstance. We’ve been friends for a few years when it hit us both. I had lost my wife a few years back and was a bit out of the dating game so I just spent the time doing all of the things I enjoyed. In my relationship for the first time ever I’m able to be and do exactly what makes me the happiest. It’s working out great! Thanks for sharing this.

  47. Have a Beautiful and Successful relationship, and your story was wonderful. Best Wishes…

  48. Noone can judge you! Whatever the reason, I wish you both happiness and a long enjoyable life together!

  49. Beautiful story. I wonder how many never had the nerve to say “I love you”. I wonder how many more would be happy, if they just followed their heart.

  50. Thank you.

  51. I Think This Is A Great Story! I Would Not Even Question It One Bit. All That Matters Is That They R In Love An Can Make This Work! 🙂

  52. The problem with these stories is that there a ton of questions but if you ask them then you are wrong. Couldn’t you just be bi and how do you know that with this new discovery you might not be open to other same-sex relationships? And if you have never been in love before maybe you are gay? To be honest if you are not having sex your relationship with him sounds like one I have with my very best girl friend. Also gender kinda does matter that is why gay dudes are gay and straight people are straight.

    • Anonymous says:

      Ever hear that romantic and sexual attraction are independent? Didn’t think so

    • TiffanyG-
      You wrote: “The problem with these stories is that there a ton of questions but if you ask them then you are wrong.”
      Wrong, because their lives are None of your business.
      You’ve obviously missed the “love” in this story to add your judgements to the conversation.

      ‘All The Best’ works really well. Sheesh!

      • No. Lack of clarity about a published story does. When you publish a story and leave gaps questions are going to arise. If I was a stranger who saw him and his “boyfriend” on the street I would have no write to question them. But he made it everyone’s business by publishing it and the site invites people to comment. I assume he is big boy and when he decided to write this flawed piece he knew he would be inviting questions. I am not attacking him and unless you are Garret or Mike butt out.

        • Anonymous says:

          Thank you, Tiffany! Sincere curiosity is not the same as judgment. I am a straight white woman and I’m very interested in other ways of being and living. I take any chance I can to ask questions to dispel my ignorance not to “judge” someone’s difference. Maybe it’s a habit born from previous negative experiences to roll your eyes at innocent ignorance of another’s experience.

    • Amy Glass says:

      Does male sexual fluidity threaten you?

      • No. Lack of clarity about a published story does.

        • I agree – the headline is misleading and the story is incomplete. By leaving so many unanswered questions it just feels uninsightful. Were they both “straight” and happened to go through the exact same experience? Are they physically attracted to the opposite sex but felt confused by this uncharacteristic feeling of romantic love between each other? Did they suddenly feel physically attracted to each other also? Has he ever felt this way before? His conclusion is that “preferences change” — and obviously for 99% of the population they don’t. This sounds like a simple story of movement along the Kinsey scale, except that the author never discloses where he ends up on it. I do think there is a distinction to be made between sexual attraction and feelings of romantic love – it would be interesting if he felt romantic love without the sexual attraction. But if he suddenly felt both it sounds like yet another story of a closeted guy who finally realizes he is gay. Either way, it’s a sweet story but as a readers we shouldn’t have to be asking these questions – That’s the writers job.

          • I agree Paul. I am a gay man and would have to ask those questions also.The writers job is to tell us about this love not leave us asking the same questions. i appreciate that he found this love and was reciprocated and that his life journey is changing. But then again some clarity here would help.

          • Thank you Paul H.

      • Very well said. I think it’s a sweet story, but in the end, it didn’t really tell us much.

    • As a woman who, until I met my wife, also believed myself to be straight, I can empathise. Past decisions do have a way of interfering, aliasing to have more relevance in current decisions than they need to. I renege her telling me that there were two reasons that nothing could happen between us; I was much younger than her, and I was straight. And I remember looking her in the eye and saying “only one of those statements is a fact.” We traveled over 8 counties together, over 6 months, after that conversation, and by the time we parted’hey back to the USA, and me back to the UK, we knew we weren’t done. Now it’s a year on from that separation and we got married 4 months ago and I’m emigrating to the States. Sexual decisions are not set in stone and sometimes when you meet that person they’re everything you were looking for in a totally unexpected package. Enjoy the ride! Thank you for sharing your story!

      • I love your response!! The story above was beautiful because it showed no bias!!For me it showed unconditional love! Something I have experienced and will never forget!! I have dated men and women I do not label myself . I am a free spirit and I believe love is love no matter what!! If I fall in love with you I am committed to you 110%!! To each their own!! Everyone has my blessing!!!

  53. Beautiful story. It brought me to tears. I am so glad you two were able to find joy in this world with each other.

  54. Beautiful story. Your personal life is none of my business, but I am curious about intimacy. Are the two of you affectionate with each other, in a cuddling, kissing sort of way? Do you sleep together at night or have you tried sexual intimacy. I am wonder if either of you are sexually active with others outside of his relationship.

    • I love this story…thank you for sharing it I have read it 3 times today already! I too wonder the things user “matthew” posted. Beyond the love that you have found which brings so much inner peace and obviously makes you both so happy how do you fulfill the aspect intimacy and affection with each other? Best of luck to you both!

      • Basically these people are asking if you have gay sex. Honestly I’m hoping that you don’t answer this question. That’s nobody’s business but your own. All that matters is that you are happy as you are. Nothing is more precious, and the tawdry details are better left to the imagination! Mazeltov!

        • I think that these questions reveal a lot more information about the stigmas surrounding homosexuality than any answer could possibly provide. Maybe a good thing for those who are curious to consider would be why it is so important to know?

          As a bi woman I have to admit that I got a bit prickly when I read those two questions, because they’re missing the point: that it’s possible, at least for some people, that love transcends gender-and that if we’re open to life’s experiences, we may find unexpected treasures. But after I thought a bit, I realized that I could at least offer this in response: that in my experience, two women can have the same types of sex (gentle, sensual, rough, healing, exploratory, rushed, languid to name a few) and achieve the same levels of intimacy and satisfaction that a woman and a man can. I’d imagine it’s the same between two men. Some methods and activities may look different, but the end result is (if everything goes the way you hope) intimacy between two people.

        • Anonymous says:

          Love your post!

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