Every challenge you face in life is an opportunity to learn how to become a better man.
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Masculinity was something I knew little about as a child. I grew up with a single mother and an absent father. The closest person in my family that embodied masculinity to me was my older brother. The issue with my brother being my perspective of masculinity was that he was an angry, aggressive jerk. I told myself that I would never want to be like him. In my black or white thinking this meant that, I would need to be the exact opposite of him.
It is my belief that many of men tend to choose the path of a passive man that allows others to use them as doormats, or men may choose to become the aggressive male that pushes back, with or without a reason. According to the psychological theory and cognitive behavioral therapy, this comes from a cognitive distortion and “all or nothing thinking.” All or nothing thinking refers to a thought process that centers on absolutes.
In my case, my thought was that in order to be nothing like my brother I need to be the polar opposite of him. My thinking was distorted because I was unable to see that the need was to truly find a balance between both the aggressive and passive man. My thought was that there is no middle ground. I would either need to be one or the other. Not a mixture of both.
At the age of 18, still working to stay that nice, passive guy, I was faced with a number of challenges and obstacles in my life. Such as financially supporting myself, getting into my first romantic relationship, and gaining responsibility through new freedoms. Through these challenges, I was able to see what was missing from my passive pattern of living. From that point in my life up to present day, I have been learning and challenging my distorted ideas of what it means to be a man.
In no particular order, below are five characteristics and skills I learned about masculinity through my challenges and obstacles.
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Part of masculinity is having strong male relationships.
Some of you may be thinking I have good guy friends that I can grab a beer with and hang out. Although I do believe having male friends to hang out with are wonderful, a lacking depth in this type of relationship may be present.
Having my own place at a young age meant that my friends and I had a place to go. That is what we did, yet when everyone went home, I would feel empty. The relationships I had with my male friends went no further than hanging out. They did not want to hear of my struggles or the insecurities I faced. I craved to have that deeper, more intimate connection with my guy friends.
It was not until later in my life that I found a solid male friend I could connect with, and be vulnerable and honest with about what I was experiencing. Now it is eight years later, and we are still strong within our friendship. Once I experienced this, I understood even more how important strong male relationships are. I still continue to seek and create bonds of brotherhood.
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Allowing myself to be intimate and vulnerable with others.
Society has pushed the agenda that men who are vulnerable are weak. Many may think that the most masculine man is the man that is stoic, silent, and who shows little to no emotion. I was influenced by this image throughout my childhood. To me this is how a “real” man behaved.
I now realize that most men who behave in this way are fearful. They are fearful of intimacy, judgment from others, being rejected, being disappointed by others, not getting their needs met, these among many more fears that drive a man to stay silent and prevent vulnerability with others.
As I faced this distorted thinking by allowing myself to be vulnerable, I learned that being vulnerable is a huge part of life. It helps to create stronger bonds, deeper connections and long lasting relationships. It seems to me that one cannot have solid relationships, with both men and women, without being vulnerable to build intimacy and connection with others.
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Being healthy through diet and exercise is a requirement, not a choice.
As a child, I was not the fittest or healthiest teenager. I hated to exercise and enjoyed eating food that provided comfort and stimulated my body in some way, like sugar. When high school ended, I was a large man. I thought of myself in such a negative way because of my weight, so I took action. I began to eat better and exercise regularly. I dropped the weight and gained a completely new confidence in myself I had never had before. I felt good about myself.
I have gained and lost a lot of weight over the years. I can say from my experience that when I was in my optimal zone of weight, exercise and diet, I felt in my most masculine mindset: strong, confident, energized, and sexual.
I discovered that vigorous exercise five days a week, eating a variety of vegetables and fruits, drinking green smoothies every morning and limiting caffeine and sugar intake are essential to bring you into a confident, sexual, energized frame of being.
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Stand firm in your convictions.
I have found throughout my life that there is a strong need to stand firm with your convictions about life and yourself. On so many occasions, I was willing to give up my beliefs or opinions to keep someone else happy. I would also do this with the thought that if I agreed with the other person they would like me more.
Agreeableness is a strong quality, but not in excess. Being that highly-agreeable person makes you appear to others as someone that can be easily manipulated to do what others want. I was this way throughout most of my childhood.
There came a point when I could not handle it anymore, so I became a man that stood up for his convictions no matter what. Well, that did not work either.
Every man needs to affect a balancing act between agreeableness and disagreeableness. Which brings me to my final point.
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Live with kindness and assertiveness.
Throughout my experiences of becoming the man I want to be, living with kindness and assertiveness has been an overall theme.
Finding the medium between being kind, being overly nice and agreeable as well as learning assertiveness is an important part of being a man. This has been one of the toughest aspects of masculinity for me to work at achieving.
Growing up as a people pleaser, showing assertiveness was challenging because my mind assumed I was being aggressive. It was also a challenge to be kind rather than being nice, but is a difference does exist between these two things. Being overly nice tends to be linked to a need for approval or validation. In truth, it is a manipulation to make yourself feel better.
After some experiences, both negative and positive, I am able to see that part of being a man is to live a life of showing kindness and assertiveness towards others.
These are five characteristic traits and skills I have learned while striving to be the best version of myself. Each of them have been challenging for me to grasp and to apply.
As I stated earlier, I had no father to guide or direct me on what it means to be a man. I am sure many men can relate to this experience. Without positive guidance to bring us through our rite of passage from boyhood to manhood, we have to learn, generally through the hard way, what it means to be a man. I have come to understand my own definition of manhood through good/bad relationships, rich/poor friendships, successful/failed attempts at being successful at work, and many other experiences, and likely, you will, too.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Great Article John! I can relate to this article is so many ways. I too grew up being raised by a single mother and two older sisters. Living with kindness and assertiveness, this is a big one. I think that is a great balance that men and women should both live. Strong male relationships are very important, most men do not have deep connected relationships with other men cause they think it is weird. All men should be vulnerable and connect with their male counterparts in new deeper ways.
Thank you for the kind words. It is great to know that we are not alone in our struggles. Living with kindness and assertiveness, that is a tough one at times. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Bravo! This is life! You can live a reactionary life, positive or negative. Or you can learn that you train other people on how to treat you by the way you treat you. Learn—study, get a book, read, journal yourself, practice, get in a mirror, talk to yourself, pray if you believe, read, study, get a book, get a mentor/adviser/counselor. Learn your triggers and then learn how to treat yourself with respect, dignity, kindness and assertiveness, and more likely that’s how you’ll be treated. Not foolproof or guarantee that the world will always offer goodness, but a guarantee that no… Read more »
I love it! Enjoy seeing the passion to improve and be that best version of yourself. Keep at it.