Dr. Bill Cloke explores how pornography may affect the intimacy of a relationship.
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Janet and Ben came in for couples’ therapy because she had caught him watching internet porn. He was looking at cheerleaders videos, with girls who barely looked 18. To her it was a betrayal. Ben, for his part, was unrepentant, describing it as his curiosity and nothing more. He was only doing it because she was withholding sex from him. Her trust was shattered and he was angry.
After the birth of their three children, Janet was understandably exhausted. They had argued about the children and along with Ben’s career stress, they had become estranged. But instead of talking about it, they both went into their own worlds. Ben became career-driven and disappeared into the privacy of his porn while Janet became Super Mom. Herein lies one of the thorny issues about porn: easy accessibility.
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At this point, I set about researching the consequences of porn addiction on marriage and families. It was an interesting ride and was much more serious than I initially realized. Like any form of addiction, the internal effects seem to be very powerful and the parts of the brain that porn gains access to are unconscious and rather insidious. Let me say as well that with porn — when it becomes addictive for its users — the difficulty lies in how much one uses it and the extent that it shuts down sexual activity with one’s mate. Couples who participate in porn together can experience excitement and even greater intimacy. However, for those who participate in secret, to the degree that it constitutes an addiction, that is where the primary trouble occurs. The manner and intensity of their involvement is the critical element, as to the degree of damage it could possibly cause in the shutting down of the sex life in a marriage.
Some of the conclusions I came to were these: the internet provides not only photos and videos but online “relationships” that cater to specific sexual proclivities. Porn is a very elastic business. The entrepreneurs produce every variety of sexual interest that exists in people’s brains. They understand that online sex stimulates the release of dopamine, which interestingly enough is the addiction-maker in the brain, but also it is what makes men monogamous. So the very thing that creates a homebody can intensify the need for excitement through porn. Also, with porn addiction, continued porn use tends to increase, and the need for new stimulation and the desire to find more intense stimulation lead to more provocative porn sites. For an addicted user, porn use can create more and more progressively exciting images so that the person using it finds himself (or herself) immersed in a fantasy world, which makes the real world pale in comparative intensity.
In the most profound sense, a loving relationship will always trump mere stimulation. The challenge is to create a loving and connected relationship that stimulates sexuality.
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Porn is not inherently bad, but porn addiction is ultimately isolating: it can mean a turning away from one’s partner, towards a hyper-exciting newness that stimulates dopamine, which both heightens stimulation and creates addiction. A percentage of men and women may become addicted, which may lead them to prefer online sexual relationships over complicated real ones. The once-attractive wife (or husband) can become mundane and uninteresting, especially if they had been having other relationship difficulties. In contrast, there is a constant parade of new attractive porn actors and actresses who are designed to make porn users’ brains turn cartwheels in excitatory transformative intensity. The images are then further reinforced by orgasm. Look out, Pavlov, the computer beckons and the sexual bell rings.
Some signs of porn addiction include:
- Increasing porn use despite negative consequences
- denial of the problem
- irritability toward spouse regarding internet porn
- using it to escape from relationship issues
- lying to others about the importance of cybersex or engaging in illegal acts
- the preoccupation with internet sex and loss of intimacy with their mate (Carnes 2001).
The addictive use of internet porn is frequently a symptom of larger relationship issues that have not been worked through. In the case of Janet and Ben, there were many issues that had lain dormant in their relationship. They both failed to bring out the things that bothered them and instead turned away from each other in different ways. As their distance increased, so did Ben’s interest in pornography. Once she discovered the porn, it only intensified her anger and resentment toward him, until they were no longer able to sustain their relationship. They were both responsible for waiting way too long to address their differences, which opened the door for his porn addiction to put the cap on the emotional and sexual divide.
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Porn addiction affects entire families and causes a myriad of internal issues. The non-porn-using partner may feel unwanted, unable to compete with online images, degraded, stupid or weak. They are also liable to see their partner as a bad and selfish partner, like they are “living a lie.” Porn addicts are often up late viewing images, they become more moody, and may tend to neglect family, spouse, job and friends. They are often more distant and care less about the feelings of their spouses and children. As we can see, the problems with porn addiction are always the secrecy and overuse (not the porn itself). With relationships, the more things we don’t talk about, the more they will affect the overall sense of intimacy.
So how do couples work through this issue? First off, suspend the addictive overuse of internet porn. Second, try to find the stimulation with your partner. If s/he becomes the go-to person for sex, then it’s more likely that both of you will do some groundwork to create a satisfying sex life. Clear away the deadwood in your relationship. Don’t run from your problems: face them and work them out. If all else fails, get some therapy. Find things to do together that work for both of you, like play and fun. In the most profound sense, a loving relationship will always trump mere stimulation. The challenge is to create a loving and connected relationship that stimulates sexuality. Be willing to roll up your sleeves and get to a place where you can be on your own island, where the world goes away and you can be sexually close.
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Photo credit: Daniel Incandela/flickr
Ah, the insidious stereotypes, how they creep into our language:
In other words, she was suffering and victimized, while he was aggressive and victimizing.
In a later paragraph you write, “it only intensified her anger and resentment toward him”, but at that point it is too late. The stage has been already set in the first paragraph. If I ever need a couples therapist I hope I can find one who does not make it clear right from the start who is to blame (the man, of course).
FlyingKal, I think I see what your saying and I agree. In my relationship I did (and do) have to fight to be his go-to for sex because he was already heavily entrenched in porn when I met him. It’s like he adores me to death, but sex with me, no matter how I dress up, pose, initiate, entice, suggest, implore, withdraw, cry, etc. cannot compete with what he gets on screen. When we DO have sex (2-3 Times/month) it’s very staged and porn-like and all about him, unless he’s having a rare moment of ‘okay I want you to… Read more »
Thank you, SweetDee, for sharing your perspective. (And please forgive me if this comes out the wrong way…) I really feel for you and your situation. And I find it most difficult to understand a man turning away from a real woman in favour of porn, much as I imagine you find it difficult to understand a woman turning away a man who wants nothing but to do his best to give her the utmost pleasure. But I think I can understand the feeling of being on a stage, putting on a “performance” and being judged and scrutinized whenever it… Read more »
“First off, suspend the addictive overuse of internet porn. Second, try to find the stimulation with your partner. If s/he becomes the go-to person for sex, then it’s more likely that both of you will do some groundwork to create a satisfying sex life.” That seems like putting the cart before the horse to me. Trying to build a solid house, with the foundation in the rubble of the previous house that was torn down, maybe stop and ask why the previous house was torn down to begin with. In a committed relationship, your partner shouldn’t (need to) become the… Read more »
FlyingKal it sounds like you say one partner in the relationship causes the other to turn to porn?
The impotent man is the cause of women sex addicts or woman porn addicts?
We know enough to know this is not the reason for addiction.
Or am I wrong?
“FlyingKal it sounds like you say one partner in the relationship causes the other to turn to porn?”
No Silke.
I’m saying that your partner should not (at least rarely) need to become your go-to person for sex, after several years in a committed relationship. Not for emotional connection and intimacy either for that matter.
Regaring your second question, I think you need to read some of the works by a man here with the name Michael J. Russer, regarding erectile dysfunctions,intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
FlyinKal I think we all should be educated before me marry, or settle down and lcohabitate. Periods of dry spell, periods without sex must be expected. If you do not want to share your life with this person if he or she have long periods that sex is impossible then I question if this is the great love of your life? This article is about addiction. Take this test: Designed by Universty in Norway. All addicts have one thing in common. They have less empathy than non addicts. Emphatic persons do not become addicted because they know how that harm… Read more »
http://www.vg.no/forbruker/helse/helse-og-medisin/sjekk-hva-du-kan-bli-avhengig-av/a/23274898/
Silke, Read my response again, and/or any article by Mr Russer. Ex. https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/know-your-partners-sexual-response-profile-for-great-sex-mjr/ or https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/slow-way-way-down-for-extraordinary-intimacy-mjr/ I’m not talking about dry spells regarding sex. I’m talking about dry spells regarding emotional connection and intimacy! I ended the only real long-term relationship I’ve ever had over this, and it also played a part in some of the others falling apart. NOT that we rarely had “regular in-and-out” sex. But her being totally adamant about it being nothing but the course of nature, and therefore by default irretrievable. Her lacking any acknowledgment that “a dry spell” should in any way affect me, or… Read more »