I was asked to sign the Terms of Surrender without being given the full story of custody and child support.
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Under the terms of my surrender, I gave up a good portion of my time with my kids. I was under the impression that this was the path that “was best for the kids.” In fact, it was the path that was best for my ex-wife, the person in the marriage who decided she wanted out. So wait, under the terms of my surrender I am giving her the kids, the house, and a good stipend of my income for the next 11 years? Just a minute, I need to reconsider.
I’m defeated a bit at the moment. But I’ll get back up, I always do.
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Of course, reconsideration was not an option. When one person decides they are done, the marriage is done. Sure, you could counsel or work things out, for a bit, but once the door has been smashed open, their exit is always a possibility. And now a threat. And in the case of divorce, just a matter of fact, please sign on the dotted line and be done with this business.
Wait.
We chose an uncontested divorce. I stubbornly agreed to her request for a divorce, because fighting would be expensive, might damage our children, and would echo the hurt still in my young-boy mind from my parents brutal divorce struggle. So I went with the path of least resistance, I bowed my head at the correct time, and allowed the head of my shining promise to be sliced off with little drama or prior bloodshed. That’s the way it was supposed to be, right? That’s what we were after.
But something along the way was not quite explained to me until a few months ago. I was on a date with a woman who had just given up primary custody, she was saying how much better her ex had become once he had to actually do 50% of the parenting rather than complaining about a check and doing nothing. I remember distinctly my reaction, “Wait, what? He doesn’t pay you any child support?”
So if I get this straight, my high-priced divorce counsellor who advised me to just take the deal and get on with the divorce, forgot to mention that the non-custodial parent (man or woman) was the one who pays child support. And why didn’t she listen or fight for my request to go for 50/50? Why didn’t she support the discussion about 50/50 parenting? She didn’t. Why didn’t she?
I guess I ultimately need to ask her. But in reconnecting with my attorney (the one who I contacted re: my wife’s new-found righteousness on turning me over to the Attorney General’s office) he said this.
I wish our counselor would’ve supported both of our requests with the same integrity. I wish my 50/50 parenting plans and 50/50 schedules had been taken seriously while negotiating our peace treaty.
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“In 2010 when you guys divorced, she was probably right. Your wife would’ve probably gotten exactly what she wanted. Not that you couldn’t have gone for 50/50.” And he continued, “But today, things are a little different. Even in Texas. The judges today are listening when the parents want 50/50 custody. And more often than not, my dad clients are getting it, if they fight for it.”
Well, that is good news for today’s dads. Not so good for yesterday’s dads, or me.
What are my options today. Reopen the fight, go prove I’m a worthy dad, and ask the judges and the court to readjust my kids custody to 50/50. Is that what I want?
Here are the potential consequences:
- It will cost us both a lot of money. Money that we tried not to spend in divorce, by consulting a wonderful Ph.D divorce counsellor.
- It might damage my wife’s ability to continue to afford the house we bought together.
- My kids might get the impression I am fighting their mom, or saying she’s doing something wrong.
- It will cause drama and hardship on all sides.
Here are the benefits of doing it:
- The $150,000+ would still be going to my kids.
- I would be able to afford housing and perhaps not be forced to work two jobs or give my life back up to the big corporate job.
- We could parent 50/50 just like we are doing now, but I would also be able to help with some of the clothes and supplies shopping.
- My kids will know that I wanted them 50/50 from the beginning and was asked to take less.
As of this writing I don’t have the money to pursue the court’s resolution of my 50/50 desires. I wish our counselor would’ve supported both of our requests with the same integrity. I wish my 50/50 parenting plans and 50/50 schedules had been taken seriously while we were negotiating our peace treaty. They were not. I was given the patronizing approval, “that’s nice” but “that’s not how it’s going to work out.” And then I was told to accept what’s “in the best interest of the children.”
Bullshit.
I was sold a bill of goods by my then-wife, who had been consulting with her attorney, and our counselor who was found and selected by my wife. And then I was asked to sign the Terms of Surrender without being given the full story of custody and child support. My bad. I should have paid for my own attorney at this point, rather than stumble along blindly with the hope of good will, good intentions, and honesty.
I got none of the above. What I got was a temporary peace treaty that lasted until I was late on my second child support payment to my ex-wife. Then the courts of the great state of Texas were warmed up against me. And today, according to my attorney, I could be arrested at any time, by the AG’s office. That is certainly part of the Terms of Surrender that I signed, but it’s not in line with the honest and caring approach we took to setting up our peaceful retreat from the marriage.
I’m defeated a bit at the moment. But I’ll get back up, I always do.
Sincerely,
The Off Parent
@theoffparent
and the story continues…
We welcome your comments and ideas. See the rest of The Off Parent on GMP.
Please visit The Off Parent site for more of this man’s four-year rant and recovery from divorce.
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related posts:
- 7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship
- Divorce is Not About What’s Fair, Let’s Get That Straight
- Waiting for the Other Person to Change – The Path Towards Divorce
- Deadbeat Dad Doesn’t Strike Back
image: freefall, gabrriela pinto, creative commons usage
Off Parenting I feel you pain. I have gone through a similar situation in Massachusetts. My ex contacted me via email (while we still lived in the same home) that our marriage was not working and it was starting the affect the children. She suggested that we seek a mediator to assist with the proceedings. Then before I could even respond she had spoken to an attorney and file in the courts. Off to court we go. We have 3 boys, at the time of this all began they where 12, 9, and 4. Before the proceeding began she stated… Read more »
Ken, what a heartbreaking story. I hope it gets better for you. It’s not fair, it’s awful, and we must do better. The courts must do better. The women must do better not to hammer the men into the ground. That’s part of what The Good Men Project is about. Equal and balanced rights. Good luck.
I’m so sorry. The one thing I absolutely did right in my divorce was to not move out until she signed the 50/50 parenting plan we had both agreed to months before. That plan is now the final Court ordered parenting plan. We’ve generally done pretty well with issues relating to the kids, thank god! I did suffer through 3 years of temporary support order child support, though the final judgment made that zero either way. Fortunately I filed first, and shortly before I might have had to pay alimony (@ 20 years). Four years after separation, we have had… Read more »
AB-SURD! Well, good luck to you. Thanks for the scoop about your experience.
Yes, I could’ve done better had I realised I was being given the slip. But I was sad, I was recovering, I was trying to get done.
I know better. But hopefully I won’t ever go through another divorce.
Several things happen. First, possession is nine tenths of the law. So when mom and dad break up, usually who leaves the family home is dad. Thus mom is the one who “possesses” the house and the children. So dad has to overcome the fact that mom already has the kids almost 100% of the time. Second, the person who files first is the first to tell the story. I say “the” story and not “their” story because by getting to go first, they establish all the facts and foundation. The other person can really only refute or rebut that… Read more »
Well, thank you for coming out from behind the secret negotiations to let us know. “I don’t know what that means,” is an awful statement. I hear things are changing in my state, Texas, for the better. But we’ll see. I don’t have the money to go for 50/50 yet, but I might soon. (grin) Thanks again for giving part of the inside story. And you sound like a kickass girlfriend.
I divorced in 2009 (my idea) and was happy to give my now-ex 50% physical custody when he asked for it because I knew my kids needed an equal and meaningful relationship with their father. He still pays child support because he makes 3x more than I do, but the amount is modified by the percentage of time he has the kids (per state guidelines). I waived spousal support because my now-ex paid off a good chunk of my student loans, and it seemed only fair. I’m stunned (as a lawyer) that your lawyer didn’t negotiate more strongly on your… Read more »
Kathleen,
YAY, a success story. My ex and I worked very hard to have a peaceful divorce as well. But I was not given a fair shot at negotiating 50/50. It sounds like your arrangement is great. Perhaps she’s ready to negotiate now. I doubt it, but I’m hopeful nonetheless. Thanks for your comment.
Wow! She did a number on you and I apologize for her behaviour. I hear of similar situations frequently and it breaks my heart. I don’t know how old your children are, OffParent, but may I suggest having a conversation with them…explain certain important things to them (like your desire to spend more time with them and the fact that pursuing that goal will cost money and add stress to everyone’s lives) in age appropriate language and listen to them. My children are 18,17, 14 and 7 we have had a lot of tough conversations over the years and their… Read more »
Thanks Blackberry. No apology necessary. She’s going her own way, in the best she knows how. I have to keep clinging to that idea. Like a mantra, “she’s doing the best she can, she’s doing the best she can…” But I know that’s no the case. And even knowing that’s not the case, I have to keep repeating it, so I don’t get really pissed off. I like the idea of talking to the kids. Mine are about to be 12 and 14, both heading into middle school this year. Perhaps the discussion to have with my ex at our… Read more »
But Off Parent, didn’t you hear what Ben Stich said? https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/marriage-divorce-marketing-to-men-bmartin/ All these concerns and misgivings about divorce must simply be the product of paranoid lawyer advertising and hateful Men’s Rights groups. If you just nod your head and obey the “wonderful Ph.D divorce counselor” or some other smiling, sniveling mediator/counselor with initials after his name, then everything will be fine. Actually worrying about how much you want to see your kids and how much alimony you have to pay would just create discord and upset your children. Just sign what is given to you, pay out everything which is… Read more »
It is an unhappy state of affairs. And unfortunately Ben’s post doesn’t help our cause any. The cause? Just getting equal rights, fair split of parenting after divorce with the same integrity we had going into the divorce. I know, good luck, right? Well, we have to start somewhere.