Jackie Summers, on technique.
“Technique is noticed most markedly in the case of those who have not mastered it.” ~ Leon Trotsky
A brief recap:
In The Exquisite Lover part 1 we established three key elements for great sex: passion, technique and resonance, and extolled passion as that elusive component than can be neither learned nor faked.
Sadly, in and of itself, passion is insufficient. There is no amount of passion that can absolve the sin of clumsy ineptitude. Technique is the mechanism by which passion finds expression. Without technical mastery there can be no artistry, as expertise transforms desire into ability.
Unlike passion, the great thing about technique is that anyone can learn it. Unfortunately there is no formal institute for the Study of Carnal Knowledge. How does one satisfy the search for sexual sapience?
You learn from the masters.
Sex has been around for a long time, and many ancient cultures dedicated themselves to its study. Ancient Taoists saw coitus as a spiritual practice, believing the life of a body was in the fluids. This meant every time a man ejaculated he diminished his limited supply of “qi,” (氣) or life energy, thereby shortening his life, whereas creation and exchange of bodily fluids via orgasm greatly increased a woman’s vitality. Based on this, sexual techniques were developed to allow a man to separate his orgasm from ejaculation, postpone ejaculation indefinitely, significantly decrease–or eliminate entirely–his refractory period, have multiple orgasms, and artfully give as many orgasms to his partner as she could stand. Having as much sex possible rejuvenated your jing (精) restored vitality and lengthened life.
Interestingly, the greatest periods of strife in Ancient China came when Confucianism (puritanical) replaced Taoism (sexually liberal) as the dominant system of belief. During the Han Dynasty when the sexual arts reached their peak (pun intended) China enjoyed a prolonged period of peace. When Confucianism became the dominant religious system during the Qing dynasty, public discussion of sex became taboo. Shortly thereafter they entered a period known as “The Warring States,” two-and-a-half centuries of continual warfare.
Has a better case ever been made for World Peace?
East Indian sexual compendiums such as the Ananga Ranga, Koka Shastra and the Perfumed Garden were written for aristocracy and focused on the physiological differences between men and women. Despite the well-meaning claims of our founding fathers, not all men are created equal. Modern medicine has mastered making dicks harder, but they’re still fervently working on how to make them bigger. If–metaphysically speaking–you were a horse and your woman was a deer, there was a position that provided the most stimulation for both partners. Conversely, ideal positions if a woman was an “elephant” (an actual term from the Kama Sutra) and her partner was only a bull.
Let’s face it, size matters, but even a mack truck looks small driving through the Holland Tunnel.
The acquisition of knowledge however, is only meant to be the beginning. Mastery is the ability to put information into practice; the difference between knowing and doing, between capacity (quantitative) and ability (qualitative). Technical proficiency is meant to put as many arrows in your sexual quiver as possible but cannot teach you how to aim.
Once skills have been mastered it’s important to resist the temptation to become mechanistic. Dependence on technique denotes lack of imagination, and as Einstein said, “imagination is more important than knowledge.” Nowhere is this more important than in the boudoir. The hardest part of mastery is making it appear effortless. In the words of Pablo Casals, “the most perfect technique is that which is not noticed at all.”
Passionate virtuosity achieved is still not without limits. Devoid of emotional content, even the best unconnected sex will ultimately leave you bereft. Why does resonance add so much depth and dimension to sex?
***
Read The Exquisite Lover, Part One, here.
Read The Exquisite Lover, Part Three, here.
© J Summers 2012
photo of couple dramatic image by Shutterstock
About Jackie Summers
I liked the article but the claim that Taoism v. Confucianism was the reason for war and strife in the empire is actually hilarious. Good way to start off the morning though hahaha.
Not a claim; merely an observation of coincidence. Glad you cloud humor in it.
JFB
*found*
Well that is some fascinating stuff! I wish we were having more of these kind of conversations about sex instead of the sensationlism of sex that I am even endangered of being drawn to, too much. Great series Jackie. I love the conversation you are openning up here.
On the topic of technique, I find that the softess of touches that are fine tuned and given with a lot of passion and heart are the ones that make my heart beat the fastest. Sadly, sometimes they are left to the side in favor of more obvious forms of technique and passion. Even when I’ve been with men and told them I liked when they touched me a certain way, sometimes the way my guy wanted to touch me vs how I wanted to be touched overtook his own passion. I’m not saying that accusatory. It’s easy to get wrapped up in it all. But it was just one problem I encountered in this department.
I think there is a lot of confusion that the harder and rougher the sex is, the hotter it’s always going to be. Certainly rough and hard sex has it’s place but there seems to be such a focus on this now-a-days, that other elements seem to be taking a backseat. There is something to be said for technique that is fine tuned and gentle. I use to have one ex that would simply pet/stroke just my hair and head like you would a cat. He’s rub his finger tips behind my ears and sometimes that would get me going so much more then more obvious methods.
It’s cool to talk about technique but where’s the step by step? Do you have a link to a step by step technique guide or some suggestions?
You know, there’s a surprising amount of information available in rather straightforward places. Wikimedia has amazing picture of vaginas fully labeled. Get your terms down, and do some science. I don’t think there’s an obvious step by step (what works on one woman won’t work on all), but we all have the same parts. I can’t believe how many men I’ve slept with who can’t really find a clitoris.
One of the hardest things about sex as a woman is what I call ‘the Race’ which is the idea that if I don’t orgasm before my partner, I won’t get the opportunity: too often sex ends when a man loses his erection. If I bring this up, they’ll say ‘Well, what else is there?’.
It’s not realistic to believe you’ll always outlast your partner. Mutual satisfaction means sex can’t be defined from male erection to ejaculation. I can’t tell you how to work that out, but I wish men were more creative about it. If sex ends with ejaculation, it encourages fakery from women: she knows it’s about to end, and she doesn’t want him to feel bad that she didn’t orgasm! I think the only way around this is to actually ask a woman explicitly whether she had an orgasm. Not ‘was it good’, but ‘did you have an orgasm?’. Then figure something out, even if it’s a raincheck or whatever: let her know you are keeping score. Don’t make assumptions. As a woman, when I bring it up, I sound like I’m complaining. But I do it anyway. Faking doesn’t do anyone a favor. The attitude is prevalent that women are difficult to please, or don’t enjoy sex as much as men, but with the Race in place, a woman is bound to lose out frequently.
A good lover, such a hard thing to find. I sincerely dont even know if its that the man is a good lover or if the chemistry between the couple makes the good lover. Ive had two good lovers and its an intoxicating, liberating feeling. It makes a woman feel beautiful, powerful and confident to no end. Whats funny its atleast in my experience those men are not good in a relationship. They are terrible with commitment and are great liars. I describe them as beautiful birds that you cannot cage but are so fortunate if they perch in your life. All women should be lucky enough to experience a good lover, the memories will be with you for life.
One note: I still don’t understand the emphasis on size. BIGGER IS NOT BETTER. At least not in my experience.
The Kama Sutra actually makes a point of this – the ‘hare’ man is best with a ‘deer’ woman, the ‘bull’ with ‘mare,’ etc.. Matching genital size (where possible) usually makes for more pleasurable sex.
Also, kindness always for me enhances the experience. – and its manifestation is often gentleness …