Jordan Gray says that there is an easy way to be respectful and sexy at the same time.
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Throughout the majority of my sex life, I have been utterly baffled.
I’ve been baffled because I have consistently received the feedback from my lovers that I make them feel supremely comfortable very quickly. And after the first few times of hearing this feedback, I had to investigate.
“You’re not the first person to tell me that… so I’m guessing it means that other men have not made you feel this comfortable. Is that safe to assume?”
Since I started asking this question, the answer has been a confident “Yes” from every sexual partner I have engaged with.
To continue my research, I started asking them what they meant by that, and what exactly it was that I did to make them feel so comfortable.
The following is a real conversation that I had with my last long-term partner, recorded and transcribed with her permission.
Me: “So, what is it that other men do that makes you feel less safe when you first start engaging with them sexually?”
Her: “I’m not sure if it’s anything that they’re actively doing as much as… it’s a fairly consistent and, I think, largely subconscious process on my end. Basically, I send out small signals to see if the guy will respect my boundaries.”
Me: “Can you give me some examples of what those signals would be?”
Her: “Sure. Keep in mind this is with guys that I already felt comfortable enough to be alone in my house with to begin with. I do little things like I’ll shift my weight underneath him in a way that kind of shows that I’m a little uncomfortable… nothing big. Just move my hips to the side and make a little bit of a tense face. It’s hard to explain… but I just show some subtle discomfort. And if he notices it, or asks me if I’m alright, then I feel safer. I’ve tested his sensitivity and awareness to me. And if he doesn’t seem to notice or react to my discomfort then I’ll send out an even bigger signal. Like scrunching up my face a bit, or pulling my body away from his. The more I tense up and the less he notices, the more my trust in him dissipates. Usually by this point, if he hasn’t reacted to my signals, then I’ll ask him if we can slow down or stop. I need to feel him being aware of me at all times, otherwise I find it nearly impossible to really give in to the moment.”
Me: “That makes absolute sense to me, thank you for putting it so eloquently. How do the guys respond when you verbalize that you want to slow things down?”
Her: “It goes one of two ways… and I can generally predict which way it will go before they even respond to it based on intuition. They would either freak out and try and guilt me into sex… hinting at things that alluded to me being responsible for getting them off since we had come that far-“
Me: “What?! That’s really a thing?”
Her: “Oh that’s totally a thing. Needless to say those guys don’t get invited back… ever. Anyways, and this is a massive oversimplification but whatever… the other portion of the guys are very respectful… they back off, usually not having realized that they were pushing me and. after being reminded, they are super aware of me for the rest of our cuddling, lovemaking, whatever else happens. I find that those guys are generally just more used to women being less assertive than I am. So when I remind them that they’re dealing with a woman who knows what she wants they kind of snap into being more present and are really good about it.”
Me: “That’s good. What percentage of guys do you say are in the former camp versus the latter?”
Her: “Mmm… it seems like at least 80-90% of guys are in the respectful camp. But I also screen pretty heavily on dates so most guys that fail my tests don’t make it to the bedroom with me to begin with. Most of the weeding out has happened before we’ve lain down together.”
Me: “So, if 80-90% of guys you’ve been with are relatively respectful and aware of you – at least after a quick nudge from you – what was it about me that made you feel more comfortable with me, compared to the majority of men you’ve been with?”
Five Things to Remember
What can you do to proactively make sure that you have sexual consent, and that your partner is thoroughly comfortable going into your first sexual encounter?
The following five tips are the advice that I gathered from my conversation with the woman above, and the collective wisdom I received from similar conversations with different intelligent, self-aware women through the years.
1. Go Slow
The first time (or first several times) that you engage with a new sexual partner, you don’t yet know each other’s rhythms. No matter how much you may have discussed your sexual turn-ons/kinks/unique perversions, there’s still something wholly different about two people meeting each other’s sexual selves for the first time.
To really become aware of the person across from you (or under you, above you, or otherwise), you need to take it slow.
Through foreplay, in the way that you touch and kiss them, or when you first penetrate your partner, progressing slowly is essential to picking up on your partner’s cues. And besides, slow is sexy.
2. Be Aware Of Her
Nearly everyone has some level of performance anxiety when they are sexually engaging with someone for the first time. Because of this, many men are overly concerned with keeping their erection standing at full attention, often to the detriment of their partner’s experience.
My recommendation? Pay attention to her and her experience – even to the detriment of your internally perceived sexual performance.
Does she seem comfortable? Is she holding eye contact with you? Are her eyebrows furrowed? Is her mouth tense, or relaxed? Is her breath shallow and choppy, or lengthy and full?
Be aware of her throughout the entirety of your collective sexual experience, and the trust and connection that you will create will pay dividends throughout your relationship.
3. Verbally Check In With Her
As much as your partner’s non-verbal cues can tell you, you can take the comfort level a step further by checking in with her occasionally with your words.
Sex is fun, and messy, and laughably awkward at times.
If you accidentally put your hand down on her hair, or bite her shoulder a bit too hard, you’re allowed to apologize.
If you are worried that you’re putting too much weight on her, you can ask her.
If you’re not certain that she wants to be sexually escalating as quickly as you are together, you can ask her if she’s feeling pressured or rushed.
Consent can be sexy, especially when you’re engaging with someone new that you don’t know as well.
4. Your Boner, Your Problem
I’ve heard from many women that their past sexual partners have tried to guilt them into thinking that it was their duty to help their guy achieve orgasm because he was aroused.
There are so many things wrong with this on so many levels so I’m going to keep this simple…
Nobody ever owes you an orgasm. Your arousal is your responsibility.
5. Your No Is Just As Valid As Hers
It doesn’t get talked about enough, but you are also allowed to slow things down (or stop them entirely) if you aren’t feeling comfortable.
There’s no need to succumb to the societal/sexual dogma that states that men are always ready and willing to go with any partner. Men feel sexual anxiety and need some level of emotional connection as well.
Why Proactive Sexual Consent Is Sexy
In talking about my writing of this article to one of my clients they stated that they would love to follow these tips, but on some level they would worry that the person they were sexually engaging with would see them as unable to lead and therefore become less attracted to them. And I fully understand this. There’s a lot of deeply ingrained social stigma that says that a “real man” (as if that exists) is a steadfast leader who charges forwards. To verbally check in and go slowly, you might worry that she will think you lack confidence in your actions. But guess what? I’d rather be seen as potentially passive and unconfident (by checking in with her frequently) in our earliest sexual encounters, than push her into anything that she wasn’t completely comfortable with.
Consent is sexy. Restraint is sexy. Exercising control and showing self-awareness is sexy.
So take it slowly. You’ll both be glad you did.
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If you enjoyed this post, you might also love reading:
7 Things All Women Need In A Relationship
10 Questions To Ask To Go Deep In Your Relationship
The One Thing To Remember When You’re Dealing With Any Person, Ever
3 Insanely Powerful Sex Exercises For Men
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Jordan Gray is the relationship coach for entrepreneurs. You can see mow of his writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos.com
These are some great points. #1 and 2 alone (going slow and being aware of her) are enough to totally transform your interactions with women. The problem is a lot of guys are just starved for sexual experience. So when they finally get some girl in private, it’s an explosion of pent-up desire. Usually guys with more experience with women are able to enjoy all the little moments of romance and foreplay that build up to intercourse much more. The right way to become more aware of her is not to treat it as work (a “working” vibe kills the… Read more »
Justin, I loved when you said: “…. if we look at consent as just this obstacle we need to deal with to get to what we “really want” (her vagina), then it’s not fun.” A woman, especially as she matures and gains more experience, can feel when a man treats consent as an obstacle to get past vs being engaged with her, to make the experience about something they do together, not just something he does to her body so he can get off. Sometimes, getting sex “from” me as been a bigger priority with some men I’ve dated then… Read more »
Thank you for sharing that story Erin. I’m very glad you were able to learn that lesson.
Thanks Jordon, me too. I will always appreciate what I learned while in that relationship with him. Some boyfriends after that weren’t always happy with that, but that too was a learning experience to see if a man was more motivated by his own interests or our interests as a couple. Of course, it’s natural for a guy to feel somewhat frustrated if he wants to have sex and his partner doesn’t. But it’s how he handles it that makes the difference.
Wow. Can you just email this every guy! There’s a reason why I’ve only ever felt comfortable to have sex with one guy. He’s patient, understanding and doesn’t expect. I had to wait until I was 23 but it was worth it. His understanding and observations on how I react mean so much. Enough he’s now my hubby!
Thanks Sara! Glad to hear you found a quality guy who cherishes you for who you are and doesn’t feel the need to push anything. You deserve it! 🙂
The world needs a LOT more men like you, Jordan! I really wish more men would emulate your way of relating to women. The ways they have been taught are so incredibly damaging, to women, to their ability to trust and to love, and ultimately, to themselves, in the long run.
Thank you so much Sam. That means a lot and I appreciate you saying so.
And I agree! There are a lot of damaging myths/social constructs out there that are holding love back in intimate relationships.
Thank you for your comment.
@Jordan Gray, I congratulate you on having been (vastly) more successful with this approach than I have been. But in the unlikely event that I’ve ever close enough to a woman, I will probably employ the same again. But it never cease to amaze (or baffle?) me that people seemingly quite effortlessly are collecting enough sexual partners in their life that they are actually forming statistics for them… Anyway. As for Joanna’s comment about No’s going both ways, I think that would also be emphasized for the part in rule #4 “Nobody ever owes you an orgasm.” Especially if we… Read more »
Jordan, I have to say how grateful I am that you included the last point – YES your “no” is as valid as hers!
This is something I’m going to be teaching my boys as soon as we start talking about sex and dating (we already talk about bodily autonomy and consent in other ways). I think if we teach our boys that they deserve the right to give consent, as well as teaching them that they have to get consent, we can change the world!
It is something very near and dear to my heart. I appreciate the recognition Joanna. Thanks for the comment 🙂