Why Don’t Women Like Nice Guys?

A self-proclaimed “nice guy” wonders why women seem to get bored of drama-free love and start looking for trouble.

Originally appeared at She Said He Said

Dear Sexes: Why do women not know how to handle a nice guy, or a guy who always shows a lot of love, and doesn’t disrespect them?  In the beginning, they like all that, but then they start disrespecting you and they take advantage of such niceness. Nice guys ended up feeling frustrated because they don’t receive the same love that they give. Is it really true that what women like is drama, and bad guys who disrespect them, don’t call, and don’t show much love, or who they are?

She Said: Whoa, slow your roll there, partner. First, not all women dismiss nice guys. Here’s the crazy thing: I think “nice guys” are often attracted to drama-junkies.

We all go through times in our lives when we live for the drama. And there’s something so appealing about the fighting-fucking-fighting-mellow for three minutes-fighting-fucking cycle. But for too many of us (men and women alike) we fall into a trap of craving intensity as a replacement for true intimacy.

That cycle is really damaging, and it’s really tricky. The fighting and making up feels so intimate, but it’s not true intimacy if it’s so unstable and you’re always unsure of whether there’s going to be a big blow-up or not.

If you keep ending up with woman after woman who seems to crave drama, then it’s time to look at yourself. Sit down and make a list of  the top 5 features that have attracted you to the top 5 women in your life. This is your 5 of 5. Feel free to repeat the same words over again in describing them. What you’re looking for are trends.

To look for the warning signs, figure out how each initially-attractive trait eventually turns bad. For instance, I think sometimes “nice guys” (and “caretaker women”) really love helping a woman and sort of crave that sense of being needed. Therefore, they tend to (subconsciously) drift toward women who need more help – as in, women who have a lot of drama (real or created).

And why do we love being with people who need more help? Then we feel indispensable. We feel important. We feel secure. But is it real security? No.

Take a look over that list of 25 traits and see what you can avoid in the future, as well as what you can heal in yourself.

He Said: Okay, are we talking about ALL nice guys, or one particular nice guy? Never mind, that doesn’t matter. Here’s the deal: women do like nice guys, but they also like a little mystery and excitement.  So it’s better to be an adventurous nice guy, rather than a boring one. And regardless of how good a communicator you are, don’t share all your life stories in the very beginning. Be a good listener (though don’t be anyone’s therapist), and leave something to the imagination, when it comes her getting to know you.  As a guy, it’s more important to have the ability and desire to communicate, rather than actually communicating everything all the time.

Occasionally women get confused with the whole bad boy thing.  Some of them think that mystery, excitement, passion, and adventure can only come from a jerk.  In reality, sometimes a jerk is just a jerk, and a boring jerk at that! But don’t worry about those neanderthals.  You, just be your evolved, sharing, giving, communicative self.  Eventually you’ll find an amazing woman, with enough intelligence and healthy self-esteem to realize she wants a rewarding relationship – with a good guy. Just remember my pointers and you’ll do fine!

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here.
About She Said He Said

Eli and Josie, friends since college, realized how lucky they were to have one another—an honest friend of the opposite sex who tells it like it is. They wanted to share that with the world and so www.shesaidhesaid.me was born.


  1. Because you have to be a challenge to women, in other words you can’t talk to them everyday or every other day, you have to let them miss you a lot, they always have to be second place to work, career, sports, etc… women aren’t very logical, they want a love story. That story includes you always being out with friends and other women, you never ever txting them. In other words its not about her, its about you, your just being nice enough to let her tag along sometimes…. also on dates, keep it light, keep it funny. No serious talk at all, and do not ever conversate on the phone. The phone is only used to set up appointmens. And never see them more than twice in one week, and every other week, only contact her once that week… do this, I promise you’ll never have a girl problem again….

    • I disagree Jay. I don’t need a challenge. I am busy enough. I don’t want a love story or a fairy tale. That’s terribly unrealistic. I throughly expect anyone who likes me to call me. If all you do is text and then it’s only on occasion, then obviously you don’t like me enough and I haven’t the time for someone who isn’t going to put me first when it’s important. That’s a great way to keep a lot of girlfriends, sexual partners and friends, but not good for a serious long term relationship.

  2. It’s not that women like the bad boys or seek them out. We end up with them sometimes.

    But ask yourself, are you a nice guy? I can’t tell you how many self proclaimed nice guys I have dated(and ask any friend, I have never dated a man for his looks…brains are my thing). In fact, if you are calling yourself a nice guy and wonder why you aren’t banging a supermodel, you might want to return your nice guy card.

    Lets assume for right now you are a nice guy. Do you really want to be dating half the women today? With feminism trying to turn the female populous into men, you really probably don’t. Women are trying to prove their empowerment by sleeping with lots of men so STDs are on the rise.

    If we date bad boys it’s for several reasons.

    1)Confidence: Jerks, Douchbags, and A**holes have a great deal of confidence. We (women) know they won’t be pining at home wondering where we are and if we have run off with the hot guy next door. That goes a long way. That guy who is standing up straight garnering attention ala a true alpha is really sexy.

    2)No Whining: We hate men who whine. That’s almost as great a turn off as pulling your little friend out of your pants in a museum(yes it has happened to me). “Aww, poor me. Why can’t I get a hot girlfriend?” Women want someone to have a baby with, not a man who covers both roles.

    3)Predictability: We know what we are getting into with bad boys.

    • @Lilly..

      I do not regard myself as Mr. Nice. However, I am no bad boy either. I think most men are somewhere in between. Bad boys are probably 20% of men. But, maybe the 80/20 rules applies? They (bad boys) certainly get a disproportionate amount of the action. I think we can all agree on that.

      You said, “We (women) know they won’t be pining at home wondering where we are and if we have run off with the hot guy next door. ”

      Of course!!!! You really don’t care either way. Most bad boys are shtupping you and several other women as well. Most women know this. The guy has lots of options. Since most women are only interested in these kinds of men for short-term sexual relationships or someone to fill a void, him not pining over you is a red herring. Come on Lilly, let’s be honest here.

      As for women having lots of partners, it is their own biz. I have zero interest in such women. I am a very low partner man (less than 7) and I am only interested in similar.

      The bad boys might have the confidence, the c**ks, the swagger blah blah blah. But, we have the $$$$. In America, money talks and bullshit talks!!! Men have gotten wise and simply are no longer interested in long term relationships. There just isn’t much there for us.

      We are never going to enjoy the sex that most women served up to their bad boy lover. So, why enter into marriage or LTRs if she is going to treat you in a manner inferior to her bad boy lover. Thanks but “No Thanks!”

      • Mike Drew says:

        Well said Bro. Women today just don’t know how to treat a men and then complains that they don’t have a good guy. Excuse my french but F*** them. I was treated like crap while growing up because I wasn’t cool enough. Now I drive nice rides and have nice cars. I pick who I want. Ladies if you don’t like what I am saying that is your problem start treating men the way they deserve and maybe one day men will treat you like a women that you should be. Stop trying to be competitive with the men. There is no competition. Men are men and women are women. Know your place. This goes to that 90 percent of women, the other don’t need to worry about it. I apoligize to the real women, this is not toward you only towrd the ones that will respond because they are hurt by the words that I speak.

    • lunacatd says:

      First I appreciate the article, Eli and Josie. The issue though not simple, is well covered here. Maybe part of the problem is that we continue to reduce people to the simplest terms (nice guy, bad boy, drama queen etc) When we life is far more complex.

      “With feminism trying to turn the female populous into men, you really probably don’t. Women are trying to prove their empowerment by sleeping with lots of men so STDs are on the rise.” – Lilly

      Wow, I must have missed that in my weekly Feminist agenda meetings. And I really try hard to pay attention. Will have to go back and check my notes. But seriously, there’s so much wrong with that sentence I had to at least make light of it.

      Lilly, I really wish you took a better look at your sources of information on the topic of Feminism, to say nothing about whether STDs are on the rise or not (which still would have nothing to do with a movement that seeks at it’s most basic point equality for all). A good place to start is http://www.feminism101.com/

      Wishing you all the best

    • @ Lilly:

      “feminism trying to turn the female populous into men”. Um, really? I thought feminism was about equality, justice and empowerment. I see that I’m not the only man reading this article that is calling you out on this rather ridiculous assertion. Check your history. Talk to your mother (or grandmother) and find out what feminism actually is.

    • McCall Jones says:

      Great Stuff, Lilly!

  3. Im gonna say this…WOMEN DON’T REALLY LIKE BAD BOYS. Disagree? Let’s make a comparison. If there is a nice guy who is good at sports, and knows how to dance, takes care of his health, and a bad guy who has the same traits, who do you think wins? The nice guy of course. Oh, but they’re boring and they’re not a challenge. Well ladies, when you date a bad boy, you already know you will get your feelings hurt. Yawnnnnnnn. This means that bad guys are just as boring, if not more! Which one is more than likely to have a good job, the nice guy! I will say this, there are “nice guys” who act nice only to you just to get in your pants, or try to, idk. THOSE AREN’T NICE GUYS
    Look, I am a nice guy who happens to be good at sports,and I treat EVERYBODY with respect, even the ones I don’t care for. That’s the way God wants us all to be. Yeah I was bad up until about 8th grade, when my parents decided that I needed a change. I have girls always talking to me. Too bad I have to tell them I’ve been with the same beautiful woman for 3 YEARS! I think that most girls are talking about “nice guys” who are fat, lazy, or smell bad, because obviously their personalities are good. Nice guys, get out of the house, start taking care of your health, pick up sports, because I seriously doubt that a girl can say no to a nice guy who is athletic! NEVER change to a bad guy! Peace out..

  4. when did they ever?, but many of these type of women are such losers anyway.

  5. Instead of just going for any woman – including the drama queens, and let’s be honest, the hottest hotties you think you can get – why don’t YOU try going for The Nice Girl?

    Because I can assure you, for every Nice Guy who has been overlooked for a Bad Boy, there are just as many Nice Girls that are sick to death of being passed over for their ‘hotter’/more exciting/more dramatic girlfriends …

    • OirishM says:

      The difference being, there is no Nice Girl Syndrome meme.

      It is only men getting unsympathetically slammed for a problem that exists across the board.

  6. Larry Jones says:

    I have a theory as to why women are not into nice guys. (Actually, one could write several pages worth on this, but here is the short of it.) I think the logic goes something like this:
    If you come across as too nice, then she senses that you’re trying too hard to win her approval. And if you’re trying to hard to win her approval, it’s because you’re desperate. And if you are desperate, then it’s because you don’t have much “success”, for lack of a better term, at attracting attractive women. And if you don’t have much success with attractive women, then it’s because you’re either a weirdo, a creep, a stalker or a needy, clingy suffocating loser. And if you are any of those, then she doesn’t want to date you; she only wants to run.

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