Rather than admit to the fragility of being human, far too many men have self-medicated with alcohol or been lost to suicide.
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Over the last few weeks an internet meme mocking ‘safe spaces’ has been making the rounds on social media. There are a few variations, but the general theme attempts to draw comparisons between 18 year old males (because, of course, males) in World War II storming the beach at Normandy while this generation of 18 year old males need ‘safe spaces’, because a coddling society has made them weak. The social changes experienced over the last few decades, including the breakdown of traditional gender roles, has caused a knee-jerk reaction from those who wax nostalgic for a time that never really existed for most of us.
The perspective of this meme also perpetuates the myth that “safe spaces” are some type of softly lit, lemon scented rooms where kids go to avoid the world and eat graham crackers while talking about all the feels.
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This is damaging in a couple of ways. First, it continues to bind men into a limited range of expression. In the world of this meme, needing a safe space as a child or young adult to avoid bullying or harassment means you won’t be viewed as being manly enough. Limiting the types of emotions and experiences available to men is not only harmful, it can become dangerous over time. More on that later.
The perspective of this meme also perpetuates the myth that “safe spaces” are some type of softly lit, lemon scented rooms where kids go to avoid the world and eat graham crackers while talking about all the feels. Actually, that sounds pretty cool, but I digress.
Safe spaces actually emerged as designated areas in schools where kids, primarily LGBTQ kids, could rely on as being bully and harassment free zones. Stickers and other symbols became visible indicators of places where kids could go to be themselves, without fear of being beaten up. If a queer kid was being hassled in the hallway, they could easily identify people and places that were “safe”. More like a shelter in the storm for kids who were targets of bullying by peers, parents, teachers, principals, etc. Safe. It’s a big word for kids growing up in environments that are unsupportive or openly hostile toward them.
When men attempt suicide they are not only more likely to succeed than women, they more frequently chose a violent and explosive death.
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Another aspect that this specific meme misses entirely is that providing safe spaces to children or young adults, and having courageous soldiers defend our country without thought of their own demise, are not mutually exclusive. It assumes that giving kids a place to go when they feel unsafe somehow prevents them from growing into complete adults. Quite the opposite, when children are allowed to express themselves in a supportive environment, everyone benefits. Society ends up with more fully developed people who are capable of empathy and acceptance.
Positioning World War II soldiers against a safe space background is especially (likely unintentionally) ironic, since Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was largely dismissed or misunderstood as trying to avoid duty by the previous generation of World War I veterans. The devastating condition of PTSD was referred to as ‘shell shock’ and soldiers reporting symptoms were often viewed as being weak instead or suffering a very real psychological response to the horrors they experienced.
Because of the stigma associated with depression and PTSD, many individuals did not seek treatment. Rather than admit to the fragility of being human, far too many self-medicated with alcohol or were lost to suicide. Men are allowed to express anger and rage, but not sadness. When men attempt suicide they are not only more likely to succeed than women, they more frequently chose a violent and explosive death. Almost as though a more passive method would be viewed as less manly. So much compartmentalization in the name of preserving a limited definition of masculinity. So much wasted in an attempt to conform to society’s expectation of your gender.
We’ve also deepened our understanding about the fragility of being human and that bullying or abuse is not a rite of passage.
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We love the myth of either or designations. It’s easy and lets us blithely walk through life without much consideration of nuance. Men are either brave soldiers charging into battle or delicate flowers incapable of contributing and therefor unworthy of the title “man”. The reality is that human emotions are dynamic and fluid; crying is a moment in time, not a lifetime commitment. That emotion you’re tamping down is going to come out somewhere, and odds are that somewhere isn’t going to be good.
As a society, we’ve progressed and learned. We’ve realized that people shouldn’t own other people. We’ve realized that husbands shouldn’t beat their wives. We’ve also deepened our understanding about the fragility of being human and that bullying or abuse is not a rite of passage. It doesn’t build character, it breaks people. And when we people have been broken, they need help, not toughening up. We’ve also realized that our capacity for emotional expression is huge, regardless of gender. Men, embrace your humanity and continue to encourage others to join you. Don’t let a meme generator dictate your expression as you walk through the world.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
That meme is saying the same thing women and feminists have been saying for years, just from the opposite direction. Women and feminists insist that men don’t need their own safe spaces but rather they need spaces that are dominated by women and feminists or at least they must be the arbiters of what men need (if you don’t believe me look at who is protesting against nearly every attempt at establishing men’s groups on college campuses). They have deemed male spaces misogynistic by default and design as if they have decided that without their lead men can and will… Read more »
Jax, students *protested* at Emory against the graffiti. Let’s accept that these students do not like Trump very much and consider him very dangerous. So, they protested. There is no issue in that. You stated these students were “traumatized” and that is false. (See http://www.snopes.com/emory-students-trump-graffiti/) No one went to emergency counseling over this issue. Even if they did, what is the issue in that? Their experiences have caused them to be traumatized and that is exactly what trauma is. What your argument has demonstrated is how close the safe space backlash is related to the stigma around mental health in… Read more »
You don’t deal with trauma by wrapping yourself in bubble wrap and demanding the world censor itself for your benefit. Any competent therapist will tell you that.
What you’re advocating is the exact opposite of healthy.
If you are talking about men only safe spaces. Sorry. Men only spaces are misogynistic and sexist.
The only safe place I need, is away from the delicate flowers offended by chalk. Luckily, I live in the real world, where electricity is not so common, tv is rare and internet is only downtown by the university – this kind of life is not supportive to those that need coddled and coo’d.
Well, the smallest man often carries the biggest gun…or mouth. Right? The first question that I have is to ask who these people are that are in contention. Did they serve in those wars? Was their dad a veteran of one? Mine was, wounded first on June the 6th, 1944, off Omaha beach. Do they even know one of them? Have they sat and listened to a veteran’s group? Have they ever had one open up to them and see the truth of these “tough men?” Did they ever sit and see one of them cry his eyes out some… Read more »
Well, the smallest man often carries the biggest gun…or mouth. Right? The first question that I have is to ask who these people are that are in contention. Did they serve in those wars? Was their dad a veteran of one? Mine was, wounded first on June the 6th, 1944, off Omaha beach. Do they even know one of them? Have they sat and listened to a veteran’s group? Have they ever had one open up to them and see the truth of these “tough men?” Did they ever sit and see one of them cry his eyes out some… Read more »
Thank you for the very heartfelt response, I appreciate the courage it takes to share personal stories like this. We are closely aligned on both the need for supporting each other’s humanity, while also finding a balance that allows kids to develop much needed resiliency and coping skills. I would challenge that we need to encourage all of our children to be strong, and not focus these traits more on one gender. All people do better when empowered, supported, and able to express their complete selves.
Very welcome. I felt that you were.
I am working diligently on not seeming so spirited in my responses, but I just could not pull it off when reading about individuals utilizing our war veterans as a hammer to beat our young boys back into that box, especially when realizing that our veterans were those boys, once upon a time, before said war…then left with the assumption that they will be fine, just as we assume with our boys today.
No, Jax, it is on the right in general who don’t what to listen to what other people have to say and tried to shut them down. When Bush, Jr., was in office, and when to speaking events, people were corralled and put in zones far away from where Bush was attending because right wing guys like Bush don’t want to see them or heard them and now you are protestors at Trump’s rallies being beaten in two cases by members of the US military.
Jenifer, Can you please give me details on the meme you’re talking about so I can contact the authors if I find it particularly worrisome.
if you google WW2 and safe space, there are a few variations on the theme. Although, i can’t justify giving them the click-throughs here.
I absolutely need my safe place. For me it’s my therapists office and in my blogging in my home. Most importantly though it’s definitely in the office each week talking about my past and my healing journey. When I walk in that door to her office I immediately breath a sigh of relief and I know I can be myself, say anything, and not be judged. We work through my thoughts and fears and it helps immensely. I don’t know where I’d be without that.
Jennifer, you’re drawing too broad a conclusion about why people are dismissive of the “safe space” idea. It’s no longer (or, at least, not just) a place to avoid bullies. Look at how the concept is being used on college campuses. Students are demanding a place to hide away- not from bullies or oppressors- but from people who are saying things that they disagree with. Not too long ago, students at Emory College said they felt traumatized by some graffiti on school property. Was it a Swastika? Some racial slur? A death threat? No. the words “Trump 2016” were enough… Read more »