Learning to Wait Better When Things Are Outside My Control

“A life, Jimmy, you know what that is? It’s what happens while you’re waiting for moments that never come.” — Lester Freamon, “The Wire”

There is one thing I’m pretty bad at — waiting. I’m bad at waiting for big events at work as a lawyer, for big deadlines to come, for big assignments to pass. As a runner, I’m bad at waiting for the big races and seeing them come.

Basically, I am bad at waiting on many elements of life outside of my control, and I wish I weren’t. I wish I could just move on with my life and not do so.

I don’t just sit still in anticipation, but with a big meeting with a boss or reviews, I anticipate worst-case scenarios sometimes. I think about all the terrible things that could happen, the catastrophic ways I could just get fired. The actual chances of that each time are close to .0001%, but my mind does race, and it’s unreasonable to always think about the worst thing that can happen.

Part of that, I think, is a trauma response based on past experiences of having to be hypervigilant and very aware of worst-case scenarios. Of course, there were times the worst-case scenario happened in my life, so I think my mind is just prepared.

I think it is also a way of calibrating happiness — if the worst-case scenario does not happen, then of course I am happy. I could have a very mediocre or below-average result, but just be happy it wasn’t a disaster.

I think you could call this catastrophizing and a form of self-sabotage. Right now, I am waiting for the major next steps in my career. I am also waiting to see if I am capable of running a 2:25 marathon in the fall.

. . .

The biggest thing that helps me wait is staying in the current moment. This moment, right now, where I am doing dishes, writing, folding clothes, or doing a much smaller task, is just as important as that big meeting. I would say part of this is being distracted, but part of it is also staying present in the moment, loving the journey instead of the ending.

The sun still rises the next day, and there is still a life to be lived. It helps when there are other people, like nights and weekends, when my wife and I spend time together to watch TV or go on adventures.

I think there is a difference between waiting on something I can versus something I cannot control. I am currently waiting on getting in better shape after running five weeks of 100 or more miles per week, and although I have done all the right things, I don’t know if that fitness will actually come.

I think needing to embrace uncertainty and not knowing is essential too. I never know what’s going to happen or how a meeting is going to go. I never knew going to happen in any event, and someone like me, prone to anxiety, can easily catastrophize on all the ways things can go wrong, all the ways I could have wasted my time.

I think just having fun and staying is very important too, and for me, not being in isolation and trying to be social is also very important. I think I’m someone who does not do well with that isolation, so I just don’t know. I can relitigate every mistake I’ve made, but I know that’s not helpful either. I need to only think about things I can control, and leave the rest to God’s will.

. . .

Waiting to see if I passed the bar exam was a nerve racking time. My mind often ran through some worse case scenarios. I thought about how I might not maintain my legal job and not be a lawyer at the place I worked so hard for the last eight months. The hardest part was the three months between the test and getting the results. I had no control over the outcome at that point, and I didn’t want to jinx the result.

To distract myself from work, in the past four weeks, I have run 100 miles a week. These 100 miles have helped me take the next step in my training as a marathon runner, as I try to qualify for the Olympic Trials in 2028 or 2032. Having multiple, concurrent things going on in my life has been pretty essential, but focusing on the journey rather than the destination. It’s not about running 100 miles a week, but the experience of each run, the ability to enjoy new routes and experiences.

I want to return to the quote at the beginning of this article. A life is what happens when you’re waiting for the moments that never come. The truth is I may never run a 2:25 marathon. I may never get the career move I want.

And even if both of these happen in the next year, I will not be satisfied at the end of the day. I will be happy for a week, and then move on to the next thing. The happiness these things will bring me will only be temporary. I just know that’s the way I am and have always been. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep swinging, giving a ton of effort, and hoping and dreaming for the best, but there’s just a lot more out there than just chasing ambitions.

In this scene from The Wire, two police officers, Jimmy McNulty and Lester Freamon, are discussing Jimmy’s obsessive connection to the case, willing to work every weekend, sacrifice his personal life, and give in to his worst tendencies of alcoholism and womanizing. Lester tells Jimmy that he needs a life outside of work because the case ends, and at the end of it, there is a sense of emptiness Jimmy will feel.

Thus, the best solution is to have a life. I don’t know what that means sometimes, outside my ambitions in a professional and personal way. I do know where I get the most out of life — connections. It’s spending time with my wife on an adventure, going on a run with a friend, or just chatting in the office with a colleague. For me, a life is not one meant to be lived in isolation, but in community. I think that’s something I can do better instead of going on my solo runs or working in the office.

In the past, I was too reliant on others for my happiness or to be able to get through runs. I have tried and succeeded at getting better at solitude, and now I do most of my runs alone and sit for a long time with my thoughts. But maybe I got too good.

And in this season of waiting, I don’t know if I will stop obsessing and getting nervous. But I know it needs to be spent in connection with others.

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This post was previously published on The Partnered Pen.

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