The ‘mantouching’ trend needs to stop.
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By Nico Lang
When I started college, one of my first jobs was working the front desk at my university’s admissions office. I shared a desk with my boss, a voluptuous chatterbox who was bright, perky, and personable. She was the kind of woman whose cheeks you’d always want to pinch.
Unfortunately, our department director, a squirrelly little man with comically large glasses, often did just that. When she did something he liked, he would grab her face to show his approval, as if she were a child or a beloved pet.
The first time he did it, she was in front of students. The second time, she was in front of colleagues. When I recently asked her about it, she told me, “I can remember who was there. I can remember exactly how uncomfortable it made me. It didn’t actually hurt or anything. It was this moment where I simultaneously felt like an object and also like there was nothing I could do about it, so I should just let it happen.”
When she would do something he liked, he would grab her cheeks to show his approval, as if she were a child or a beloved pet.
Other friends recalled similar stories from work colleagues, acquaintances, family members, and strangers, in which men touched them without prior consent or approval. One example came from a former coworker who remembered “walking in a grocery store parking lot, wearing a skirt, and a man walked up to me, put his hand up my skirt, grabbed my ass, and then walked off.” A writer I know reported a bizarre incident in which she was “standing at a bus stop [when] a guy rushed [her] and proceeded to kiss [her] foot before hopping on his bus and escaping.”
While these encounters happened between strangers, most women who told me they had experienced unwanted touching from a man said it had happened in a public place, such as a bar or the workplace. The perpetrator was usually someone they knew.
In an office environment, such unwanted touching constitutes sexual harassment (although a great number of women decline to report it, due to factors like social pressure or fear of workplace retaliation.) However, if you’re a woman at a bus stop, or if you’re picking up hummus at a grocery store, there aren’t the same protections in place. If you’re on stage presenting at the Oscars and a well-known celebrity starts petting your face, there’s no obvious chain of command or boss to report it to.
For the audience, such moments could appear to be humorous. This man is harmless, they all laugh, and the Internet laughs right along with them. It’s a shared inside joke that everyone is in on. He’s just a “creepy uncle.” He’s not hurting anyone.
♦◊♦
Of course, the celebrity in question is John Travolta, who doubled down on becoming an Internet meme this week after he felt up Idina Menzel’s face onstage at the Academy Awards. Menzel and Travolta appeared together to bury the hatchet over an incident last year, in which Travolta infamously flubbed the “Let It Go” singer’s name, calling her “Adele Dazeem.”
The Internet immediately made a small moment into a viral sensation. Someone created a John Travolta Name Generator, in which the Saturday Night Fever star could mangle your name, too. Adele Dazeem even got her own Twitter account.
So when Travolta awkwardly touched Menzel’s face at the Oscars this year, the Internet was bound to react as if the incident was intended to be comical. It was an indication that Travolta had become Hollywood’s “creepy uncle.” But no one saw the encounter for what it was: a moment of public sexual harassment.
In fact, the face-touching wasn’t even Travolta’s only transgression that evening. On the red carpet, the star also kissed the side of Scarlett Johansson’s face while he placed his hand around her waist. Photos show that Johansson was clearly uncomfortable with the gesture, her eyes glossing over as she stares into the distance. (Johansson, for her part, has been a good sport and defended him.) The moment should have been shocking and deeply troubling, but instead it got turned into a meme. You can find photos of John Travolta embracing Kanye West, the Statue of Liberty, and his own Hairspray character. How droll!
The lack of outcry beyond the requisite “Wow, what happened to John Travolta?” shouldn’t be surprising to anyone, especially in light of the recent coverage of Vice President Joe Biden embracing Stephanie Carter, the wife of the Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter, during his swearing-in ceremony.
As the Daily Dot’s own Miles Klee reported, “Biden all but demanded that Carter’s wife Stephanie stand near him so he could squeeze her shoulders, sniff her hair, and whisper in her ear.” Klee further reminds us:
It’s hardly the first time that Biden has breached a woman’s personal space. There was that time he got handsy with a White House correspondent. There was the pit stop where he put the moves on a leather-clad lady biker. He’s macked on Irish presidents, Olympic athletes, Hillary Clinton, and Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan. He got close with the daughter of Sen. Chris Coons,much to her annoyance.
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Biden’s behavior might be meme-worthy, but it’s more than an opportunity for clickbait. It’s actively predatory, repeatedly violating women’s personal space and boundaries. At best, his behavior is completely inappropriate; at worst, it’s a gross abuse of power. If the man rubbing your shoulders and creepily whispering into your ear is Vice President and former Parks and Rec guest star Joe Biden, would you speak up?
When you look at Stephanie Carter’s face, the look should be familiar to you. It’s the same one Scarlett Johansson had. It’s the look of a woman who knows what it’s like to put up with toxic masculinity.
You can call this behavior whatever you like. The Internet’s preferred euphemism is “handsy,” as if Joe Biden is manhandling a Christmas ham instead of a married female human. But I prefer the term “mantouching.” It’s a riff on the term “manspreading,” which is defined by the Collins Dictionary as a “male passenger in a bus or train splaying his legs and denying space to the passenger sitting next to him.”
In a post for Feministing, Mychal Denzel Smith explains that manspreading is a “performance of masculinity.” Smith writes, “It all plays out like an assertion of male dominance, in which every one of them feels as if they have to claim their territory and their manhood in this public space, even at the discomfort of all the other passengers. Who gives a fuck if you can’t sit, they are men.”
Mantouching operates in a similar way. It’s an assertion of one’s masculinity, at the expense of the personal comfort of those around you. When a man touches a woman without asking, he’s doing so because he feels entitled to access to her body. For him, it might feel like a meaningless or friendly gesture. After all, what’s the matter with touching the small of a woman’s back? It’s not like you’re sexually assaulting her.
But for women, it sends a different message. Nancy Qualls-Shehata of Patheos writes, “Your body is not your own, and any good ole boy can grab your butt and no one will stop him. Oh, and you have to pretend it’s OK even if you are seething inside. You have to smile and give him a friendly wag of the finger and hug him.”
When a man touches a woman without asking, he’s doing so out of feelings of being entitled access to her body.
While a recent Cosmo survey showed that an alarmingly high 1 in 3 women reported being sexually harassed in the workplace at some point in their lives, the prevalence of mantouching is likely much higher, simply because no one ever talks about it. Many of the women I talked to didn’t speak up for fear of being told that they’re overreacting or being hysterical. If they do speak up, the response is usually the same: Stop taking everything so seriously. It’s just a compliment.
The Internet has given a great deal of attention to fighting acts of street harassment, such as women being catcalled in public or told by strangers to “smile.” Campaigns like #StopTellingWomenToSmile have drawn particular attention to these daily micro-aggressions that women experience, the small-scale ways in which society reinforces female marginalization. Such micro-aggressions are consummate examples of everyday sexism.
While it’s crucial that we address the issue of street harassment, we need to recognize that it’s bigger than the street by discussing the ways in which performative masculinity creates a culture where behavior like that of Travolta and Biden is normalized. It might feel good to laugh off such demonstrative behavior as vestiges of a fading masculinity, but the problem with mantouching isn’t that it’s hilariously creepy or weird. The problem with mantouching is that it’s so common that some of the women who experience it might not think it’s a big deal. After all, it happens all the time.
You might not think a pinched cheek or a shoulder caress is something to lose sleep over. But the next time you see a man put his hand on the small of a woman’s back, look at her eyes. Look at her smile. If you’re looking closely enough, I bet you can see her faking it. I bet you can see how painful it really is.
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This article originally appeared on The Daily Dot
Photo via the White House/YouTube
@jack: So you’d take it upon yourself to question whether a woman should go out at all because she sees through your disingenuous whining, huh? Speaking of male privilege, it was kind of you to give us an example of it. You obviously lack the self awareness to conduct an exchange on a message board without behaving as if you think that you’re someone’s daddy, and have no business whatever trying to direct someone else’s time for them. And as to manspreading: All men have balls. Only exhibitionistic jerks use them as an excuse to take up three seats in… Read more »
Great article.
Totally stunned by a lot of the responses.
Demian – you freaking rock. Thank you for getting it.
Wow! These comments are wild! Apparently men do feel some kind of way about man touching — they don’t want to be touched and yet still cannot see why women might not want to be. Very interesting. More research– let’s tie this better to privilege. I know the point was made in the article but it’s tough for filks who don’t see their privilege as privilege. Big blind spot.
Bring on the mental gymnastics – I can’t wait!
Honestly Leia, I’d question if you should ever go out at all. It seems like you’ll always find the micro sexism you’re clearly searching so hard for to expose. Things that other, socially balanced people, would simply not notice.
Jack
“Performative masculinity normalizes behavior like that of Biden and Travolta…” I was riding the subway to work the other day and I was looking for a seat as I had two big bags to carry….there was an open seat next to a guy in the two seater….he was kinda cute, but I am married and I just kept standing…then he got up to get off at the next stop…as the doors opened behind me, I took his seat relieved to put my bags down…all of a sudden, he turns around and says, ” Oh, actually it’s the next stop…” and… Read more »
Yeah. What Jack said. Although it’s possible to be harassed in such a manner, isn’t possible that people can be hypersensitive about such things? And, in particular, women. Yes, that seems sexist, and perhaps it is, but I say it because I believe the larger feminist movement is guilty of creating a lot of vindictive righteousness and overly negative analysis in male action/attention. Masculists can also be guilty of hypersensitivity, but their numbers are so low and their cause too unknown that it’s a much rarer phenomenon. (Note: traditionally, men tend to be hypersensitive about things that challenge their traditional… Read more »
I invite you and your daughters, granddaughters, or nieces to ride the subways in NYC…you will soon find out what I mean….I just had a discussion with a mom who says that she has to watch her 9 yo daughter on the train like a hawk…men try to grab at her daughter all the time…
I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I NEVER touch women or anyone else that I do not have an existing trust relationship with. Gaining trust over time (maybe an hour, maybe a year) is the crucial step that comes before touching another human being. It’s pretty damn simple. Yes, the author is going off the rails some here, making assumptions about women, but not making the same assumptions about men when THEY don’t want to be touched, but the central point is valid, if gender biased. Don’t assume ANYONE is free to be touched until they… Read more »
Im not so sure, whilst I am adverse to physical contact I also realise that my aversion isn’t normal. Human interaction is being vilified here. In Europe touch and kissing relative strangers is standard interaction. To impose that on them would not only kill potential relationships but kill culture. But this article isn’t gender biased – its sexist. In fact the fool managed to be sexist towards both men and women.
Well said.
You said it all.
It as simple at that.
If it’s “as simple as that” why wasn’t that the article being written, I wonder? I’ve quite frankly had enough of this bull where one takes a behavior engaged in by both genders slaps the prefix “man” onto it and acts like it is completely the failing of one gender. I’m quite sick of female offenses being swept under the rug as if they do not matter.
“her eyes glossing over as she stares into the distance.” If you think Scarlett was uncomfortable by his kiss then you really need to work on your body language reading skills. Go watch the video, The reason they were glossing over was because she was staring at the plethora of cameras around her. That photo was taken before her brain really had the time to register his presence, he kissed her and was moving away within a second or two. Within half a second she has a huge, genuine smile and CLEARLY was fine with it. He was walking past… Read more »
Wonder what word triggered the mo d squa d
My comment is still in m oder a tion
I am soooo confused!?!?! How many articles are written where men are being asked to open up? Why are men afraid of hugging and touching or being touched by other men? They’re homophobes!!! Let me get this straight. If a guy doesn’t like another guy to touch him, there is something wrong because the male recipient has walls built where he has been taught to feel uncomfortable when other men may touch him. So men should change. Could it be that women feel uncomfortable because they have been trained to feel that way? Or could it be in both male… Read more »
I think the article adresses a number of crucial points, but leaves out a few scenarios, which probably leads to the confusion in some of these statements in the comment section. 1) What makes these situations especially problematic is obviously the power balance that is often involved, especially in professional settings. The problem here is therefore not just the physical contact alone, but the added potential feeling of being at someone’s mercy, that is, not feeling able to voice disapprovement without the expectations of negative consequences (e.g. embarassing the boss/higher ranking officials, getting fired, getting socially isolated). So for all… Read more »
@ Demian First there is a lot more to power than just physical strength. I’ve been in many situations and spoken with many men who have been in situations where they felt that they couldn’t do anything about the harassment. If I was grabbed by a man, I know how I’d respond. Most likely violently. Respond that way with a women and you’ll end up in prison, not her. Second, you’re wrong about men feeling that they can respond more readily to harassment in the work place than women. There was an uptick in sexual harassment complaints filed by men… Read more »
@John Gottman I think I pointed out that these cases exist and have to be taken more seriously. Domestic abuse of men, for instance, is definitely a neglected issue. Second, it is definitely the case that men can sometimes feel powerless in the presence of women, especially when they feel uncertain about how to resolve a conflict or voice their frustration in a non-physical level. This obviously includes situations at work, especially during a recession with few job alternatives (Still, while cases of harrassement against men have been neglected, that doesn’t automatically imply that it is statistically/culturally as prevalent as… Read more »
I was more replying to the yes is yes standard that many women have insisted on for themselves, but the he didn’t say no standard being good enough for men. I would disagree that men don’t care as much as women. I suspect their conditioned to believe that they shouldn’t (not the same thing). Still, unless it’s welcomed or it’s accidental, it’s wrong. Simply saying that he isn’t objecting is insufficient.
Thank you @Demian for your comments. I think you make a lot of good points. I wish more men were as aware of these issues as you.
1) I find it staggering that SJW types can only ever think of power and power structures. Thats all that matters to them – POWER. They can’t see anything for what it is. There has to be some power play involve, someone leveraging someone else, someone oppressing someone else. No humanity just power. 2) You know John Travolta and Idina Mendez? You Know Joe Biden and his associates? Unless you do you have no way of knowing what relationships they do or don’t have. Rather you are grasping at straws to create you fantasy of power imbalance. 3) And you… Read more »
I dislike the dishonesty of the OP writer in his classifying of the incident between Johansson and Travolta – manipulating the narrative. Johansson’s take on it, from the link provided, does not support the author’s argument, so he skirts around the mismatch by calling her a “good sport” about it – insidiously dishonest high school writing.
Bingo. The writer is projecting onto that situation and ASSUMING what is going on. At best she was surprised but when she realized who it was, she was totally fine with it. If you look for sexism everywhere, you will find it. Innocent actions will be swept up with legit creepy stuff.
The other day I was hugged by a friend and another friend assumed I looked uncomfy, I was fine with it but I also have a pretty good poker face and don’t really show a lot of emotion at times.
I will agree for the most part on all those things but what’s so hard to understand about “man spreading” why does every little bit of masculinity have to be criminalized. It’s just how men sit regardless of public transport or not…why coz we have balls and an extended period of time keeping our legs together creates pressure on our testicles and it’s incredibly uncomfortable….why can’t women get that FFS! Why is it so hard for them to put up with this. is it ideal no but it’s a quirk of being a man. There are million things us men… Read more »
If you need to spread your legs wide to accommodate your balls, there’s something wrong with your balls. Stop what you’re doing and go to a doctor.
“Manspreading” clearly isn’t referring to simply sitting with your legs open – it’s sitting with your legs spread so widely that the person next to you has to adjust their seating position to avoid rubbing knees with you. And it’s not just women that find it tedious.
Oh please Doug. Go actually look at the creepshots these people are using as examples of “manspreading” Half the time the person is sitting with no one around them, a good portion of the rest they are clearly within the bounds of “their seat”
Meanwhile, women with purses the size of schoolbuses go completely unremarked when they take up two, sometimes even three seats.
I have never manspread on a public bus, but I can see how it could be annoying to other people. I will add it to the list of 837 disrespectful, annoying things people do on buses and subways.
I’ll make everyone a deal. I will never ever manspread in public, and in return, other people stop using gigantic, SUV-sized double-wide strollers for their kids. THAT is a sense of entitlement to other people’s space.
I am one of those “bitter bit*hes” who actually say, please keep your distance. I do not care if the touching was friendly or “innocent” if it made me uncomfortable, I will let them know. Ha and gay guys, and other women sometimes can get too close for comfort too. In some cases it may be sexual and in others it just people who can’t keep off.
How about the “ownership” touches I’ve gotten from assorted women over the years….. just straightening a collar, tucking in a shirt tail, adjusting my hair, shirt etc… Most of the time from women I knew, who felt it was ok because they “just” were helping and marking their territory publicly. However I’ve had it done by women I’ve never met before also….. Or the trainer who leans her chest onto my shoulder to “point” something out.
Wonder what my partner would think of this. I agree and disagree at the same time cause as men. This happens more often than most women think.
So touching someone’s shoulder or face is sexual harassment now?
Guess I’m a sexual harassment victim now, then. Er, wait, maybe not. Can women “mantouch” too? I’m a little confused on the rules here…
Was it “mantouching” when McCarthy slobbered all over A young-enough-to-be-her-son Justin Bieber on National Television?
I’m digging all this man-verb BS though. It’s making you all look ridiculous and you don’t even realize it.
Good lord, you extraverts are out of control sometimes. Who gropes strangers in front of a camera and in front of an audience?
“When a man touches a woman without asking, he’s doing so out of feelings of being entitled access to her body.” In many cases, yes, but that’s not a full explanation all by itself. Not every obnoxious thing done by men flows from a sense of entitlement. “Entitlement” is the new buzzword used to describe everything wrong in the world of masculinity, even when that explanation doesn’t quite fit. Some people have terribly unhealthy personal boundaries. That may come from a feeling of entitlement, or it may derive from something else. It’s no excuse either way, of course. The horrible… Read more »
Yeah, that was my biggest problem with the article. I think this quote a sign of misandric feminism, that presumes a need for dominance in the action of touching. I mean, I guess that COULD be a reason for over-touching, but I don’t suppose some people are simply more expressive, or were brought up to be so, and they touch as a gesture of universal goodwill and connection? And maybe these men touch other men less because homophobia is rampant and they’re quite aware of that? And aren’t some women just as handsy? I don’t particularly care to be touched,… Read more »
Message recieved. Men need to show more intimacy and humanity because masculinity is broken. *Disclamer* – Men, only show intimacy when it is convenient to women. Man touching – you have to be kidding… In a mention of fairness on the topic, how often do women touch men without asking? I know myself, I get touched a lot. I am particularly sensitive to it because I don’t like being touched full stop. What would others think? And is it somehow different when a woman does it? Is it one of these acceptable double standards because men only ever do things… Read more »
@ Josh
But you see Josh that’s all platonic touch. The woman at work who grabbed my thigh. That was platonic. The woman on the street who grabbed my crotch. That was platonic. Women touch men all the time. Some of it could be considered platonic which I still don’t appreciate and you know how you’d know? Because I would move and these same women will still put the hand lightly on my arm or back or shoulder. So what would that be womantouching? I don’t think you can just call that handsy.
Yep.