From Gratitude Walks to Masculinity Convictions

One of the new habits I have started with my wife is taking daily gratitude walks after the children leave for school. We live about a mile from the Pacific Ocean, in a part of Mexico where every season offers opportunities to feel the warm embrace of the sun.

Our morning exercise time not only serves as a healthy activity we can do together, but it also provides an opportunity for us to share about the life we are blessed to live.

We often have conversations about our business responsibilities, the kids, our marriage, and whatever else comes to mind.

On Monday, I decided to bring up the topics of Bill Cosby, sexual assault, the #metoo movement, and masculinity. After last week’s post about the Cosby incident, I received an influx of messages and comments.

Much of the feedback I received was in agreement with my perspectives on Cosby and his abuse of power and wealth. Others asked me to also consider the implications that his race played in the case. I shared with my wife that while no one disagreed with my assessment of Cosby’s actions, some questioned why I did not discuss how other celebrities—including Harvey Weinstein, Steve Wynn, Kevin Spacey, and Kevin Franco—have avoided criminal charges despite accusations of similar offenses.

My readers claimed that Cosby’s race, coupled with his atrocious behaviors, influenced the charges and verdict.

Although I did not explicitly discuss the impact of race in the criminal accusations and Cosby’s conviction, it was a part of how I assessed the case. Cosby was charged because he has committed countless acts of sexual assault against women, and because he is a Black man.

Weinstein, Wynn, Spacey, and Franco have yet to see criminal charges because having access to White identity is often accompanied with privileges denied people of color. My focus in last week’s piece was the analysis of how his public persona severely contradicted his private affairs. I shared these thoughts with my wife, and more.

We drifted into the concept of masculinity and how it informs boys to learn the acceptable behaviors to perform “like men.” I told her Cosby’s practices are a byproduct of how some boys learn to transition to men who sexually objectify women. Regardless of the variety of positive teachings in our lives, our environments—including friends, families, media outlets and other influences—often possess a potent force over how heterosexual men identify the opposite sex.

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One of the worst insults a boy can receive as a child is “you throw like a girl.”

Being compared to a girl is problematic because the misguided assumption is that girls are not as strong or capable as boys. My wife and I continued to share our perspectives on masculinity and the potential challenges we face ahead with our children throughout our entire 90-minute walk.

At some point, I attempted to explain how we need to punish individuals and indict masculinity, alongside structural sexism. I tried to make sense of Cosby’s actions as reflective of learned behaviors. In no way was I attempting to excuse his decisions to assault women; I wanted to help give my wife some insight into the likely influences of his environment.

Then my wife turned to me and said, “You know, you really are not qualified to discuss this.”

I looked at her with bewilderment. “You will never know what it is like to be a woman,” she said. I listened.

“Only a woman can understand what it is like to be reduced to a sexual object.”

She continued talking about some of her experiences in Chicago and when she went to LA for grad school. I listened. She explained the extra precautions taken out of fear that some sexual perpetrator might follow her home. Some of the stories she shared I had heard before, others were new.

At the end, I was in awe of the additional thoughts and actions some women assume due to concerns about sexual assault. When we made it home, I decided to write about our walk and share at least one takeaway.

It’s time for men to start listening more to women and following them in their efforts to address sexual assault. Due to the way masculinity has misinformed so many men to believe it’s their birthright to lead women, a shift to follow and serve them will be difficult.

However, with any measurable challenge, the rewards are great!

To understand how gratitude, positive self-awareness and leadership can correspond with abundance in your life and opportunities to make meaningful relationships, check out my course.

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This post is republished on Medium.

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