13 Relationship Truths I Want You To Know as an Abuse Survivor

Author’s Note: If you have experienced abuse and/or feel triggered, resources are at the bottom of this article. Please check them out!

Growing up, I experienced emotional and sexual abuse from family members and peers. This continued some into college, in which I was also r*ped and assaulted repeatedly. After these instances of violence and mistreatment, my self-worth plummeted. I felt like my worth equated to the ways people treated me, which weren’t great. I’ve needed a lot of therapy and loved ones’ support to help me get to a much better place now with myself and with others.

If you’ve experienced abuse or something similar, I want you to know you’re not alone and your life can get better too. Below are 13 truths I wish I knew much earlier on in my life and my relationships.

1. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve you.

Staying in a relationship — even an unhealthy one — can tempt us sometimes. If you’re like me, you may worry no one will ever love you again, that you’ll never find a way out, that you’re being dramatic, or that you need the other person to be okay. However, it’s okay to realize you deserve better people and better relationships. You will find someone who treats you right. Abusive situations can be hard to escape, but please know you’re worth it.

2. Your struggles to get independence from your abuser are valid; I know it’s harder than people realize or want to believe.

When you talk to others about the control your abuser has over you, and they act like saying “no” to your abuser is easy, remember I know your struggle is valid. Being able to get away and say “no” and have your abuser respect that can be next to impossible, even if others don’t want to believe that. Do what you can to take care of and validate yourself. You’re dealing with something incredibly hard that not everyone can or wants to understand, and I have so much respect and empathy for you.

3. People’s statements may align better with what they need to be true rather than the actual truth.

People often victim-blame to feel some sense of safety and security in the world. They don’t want to accept the fact that violence can happen to anyone and even in seemingly safe situations, so they blame you. This doesn’t make their belief true or their statements acceptable — they’re only trying to save themselves, and they aren’t giving the truth the attention it deserves. You deserve people who validate what you’re going through and speak truths that support you.

4. You are not the unkind words your abuser called you.

Your abuser may have called you many harsh words or insinuated awful things about you. Please know these aren’t accurate words, but abuse and control tactics. You aren’t bad; your abuser is. I know their cruel words hurt — I’m still dealing with the ramifications — but please know they aren’t true. You are so good and you are so much more than they say.

5. Better love is coming, and you deserve it.

When you’re in an abusive situation, feeling hopeful about future relationships seems impossible. However, as someone who’s come out of the depths and darkness, I want you to know that better love is coming your way, and you fully deserve it. Hold on to hope and take care of yourself. Embrace goodness and try not to question it.

6. Your emotions and obstacles are valid.

Your abuser may invalidate your emotions, saying you’re ridiculous for feeling a certain way or that you need to quit feeling that way immediately. However, they’re wrong. Your emotions are valid simply because you feel them. Similarly, your obstacles are valid. When people try to act like leaving or stopping the abuse is easy, know that it’s not. Your experience is valid, no matter what anyone says, what kind of abuse you’ve endured, or what anyone else has gone through. Learning this has taken me years, but it’s so true.

7. The abuse isn’t your fault and it never will be.

Many people will try to convince you the abuse was your fault, but that’s far from true. The person at fault is your abuser, who asserts power over you and hurts you. You aren’t doing anything wrong, and you deserve to live a safe, happy life. You may experience revictimization like I did at some point, but again, that is an effect of trauma you simply can’t blame yourself over.

8. Justice will play out in one way or another, and at the same time, it’s okay to feel frustrated if you don’t see it happen.

Out of every 1,000 instances of assault and battery, only 74 perpetrators will be convicted or incarcerated. Out of every 1,000 sexual assaults, less than 10 perpetrators will be convicted or incarcerated. And these statistics don’t even account for other forms of abuse and violence as well as all of those perpetrators who walk free. The “justice” system has a lot of work to do. Feeling frustrated or upset by this is totally understandable; you have every right to feel that way. Validate those feelings. And at the same time, consider having hope.

As a Christian and as someone whose r*pists and abusers walked free, I can say these two Bible verses helped me:

“Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed… The righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.” — Psalm 37:28–29

“Do not fret — it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.” — Psalm 37:8–9

9. You are not destined for unsafe situations and mistreatment forever.

After being r*ped the second time, my self-worth was shot. I believed I was destined for unsafe situations and mistreatment forever, in which the abuse of my body was just “in the cards” for me. But as someone who now has a respectful, loving girlfriend, I can say we aren’t doomed to dark experiences and cruel people forever. You can make it out of this valley.

10. Trust your gut instinct.

When a touch or a statement feels wrong in your gut, trust that instinct. Your body was created to help keep you safe, healthy, and alive. Do what you can to seek safety and take care of yourself. Validate yourself every single second. Others may gaslight and question you, but that’s only to hurt you, not to tell you the truth or help you.

11. Don’t be afraid to reach out to and lean on loved ones — it may help you get through the worst.

I couldn’t be more thankful for the family and friends who’ve stayed with me and supported me when I needed them most. When I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and came to grips with the sexual grooming abuse I experienced, they gave me empathy and compassionate attention. I encourage you to think of helpful loved ones or resources that can help you get through this incredibly difficult time.

12. Know you are worthy of good things and good people.

I can personally understand how a multitude of unsafe situations and hurt can make you feel inadequate, as if you’re not good enough for goodness to come your way. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. You are worthy of good things and good people; you are a good person and you deserve love. Remind yourself of this at least daily.

13. Go to therapy if you can and be honest about what you need.

Having a therapist who could validate what I was going through and help me get through tough situations was so helpful. I began to rediscover myself in a more positive, helpful way and navigate the trickiness of relationships and trauma. For support, this database contains a variety of mental health professionals and this article provides more options if therapy isn’t accessible to you. Do your best to be honest about what you’re going through, what does and doesn’t help, and how the therapist can help you most.

All of this information may be a lot to take in, and I encourage you to take time processing it. I also encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Recovery from trauma is hard work that takes time. You will slip up and have hard days. You may struggle with the mental illness voice in your head. I struggle often, and I’m still working on getting better. Recovery is a process, and it’s not a linear one.

Please don’t beat yourself up when you slip. Remember, none of us is perfect and you’re doing your best, which is more than enough. Remind yourself of these affirmations and take care of yourself. I’m here for you every step of the way.
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Previously published on medium

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