Nobody’s Perfect

“I don’t want a relationship, I just want us to have an understanding…” The phrase that ended it all. The phrase I didn’t see coming. The phrase that made me realize…nobody’s perfect, and no one can get it right every time. Not even the experts.

What I Do

I am tagged as a “dating and relationship expert.” I write articles on it, do podcast interviews, I even wrote a book on the subject. Day in, day out I help other people navigate the confusing realm of the dating world. I help couples find their love languages and work through their attachment styles. I talk about compassion in dating, creating our own closure, and the art of letting it go, of writing our own apologies.

All of these concepts come from many, many years of experience, study, and education. I have read every book on the topic, heard every podcast, know every running dating theory out there. I can listen to a couple speak for 20 minutes and identify several areas where they could improve, maybe even save, their floundering relationship. And yet…somehow I found myself in a dating scenario straight out of one of my own books…

What He Did

We got together over a shared interest in yoga, spirituality, and healthy relationships. We bonded over coffee and talks of ending toxic masculinity to enhance a healthy dating culture that could be open and supportive to all. He talked about creating space for a woman in a relationship, to allow her to feel safe and expansive, and to feel comfortable enough to grow and thrive. On and on and on he went about healthy masculinity, positive relationships, spirituality, all the things I am deeply interested in.

We became intimate very quickly(too quickly, I now see) and he talked about how sacred intimacy is, how important it is to have an emotional connection to form a physical one, and on and on and on.

Then without warning, he decides to tell me that he is not interested in a relationship, but wants us to have an “understanding”. The understanding was this: he would have complete emotional and physical freedom. He could see and sleep with other people if the mood struck, and he would not be held to any standards by me. He did want to have to “worry about how someone else’s day was going” or even “anyone else’s well-being.” So what would I get out of this little arrangement? Oh well, I would get to occasionally see him and sleep with him, completely on his terms. Wow. What a deal. It was like being fed a nothing sandwich and then being asked if I was full.

Understandably I did not respond positively and left.

Unfortunately, that is not where I left things.

Where I Went Wrong

Don’t get me wrong. I had reason to be angry. He hid his true intentions and continued with something that he knew from day one I would not be okay with. He hid the reality of his situation, to further his own agenda. These are valid reasons for concern and for anger.

However, it does not give me a pass to unleash all that is my Aries fire on him, which is basically what I did, I reached out to him the next day, and zinged him. I was nasty and abrupt, I was harsh and judgemental. It was not reflective of who I am on my deepest level and ultimately…it did no good. He didn’t see what he had done wrong, and all it did was make him say I was the toxic one. Which at that moment, was not untrue. It furthered nothing. He didn’t understand, it didn’t make him change his ways, and it didn’t undo the hurt he caused me. All it did do was make me feel worse about myself and the situation while ultimately, resolving nothing. I had a very human moment, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, and I did a very human thing..I lashed out at someone who had hurt me.

What I Could Have Done Differently

There is no use crying over spilled milk. It is done. We are human, we make mistakes, we take missteps and sometimes we let emotions run the show, even when we know better. But that is life. That is love. That is everything. So what are the actionable things I could have done differently in this scenario?

1.Give It Time

If I had given the relationship(or “understanding”) more time, I would have most likely seen more occasions where his actions and words weren’t matching up. I would have been able to see more warning signs and I would have been able to give the situation more space and honest observation. As my friend always says:

“Remember, it takes seeing someone in a wide variety of situations and settings, to get a true picture of who they are.”

I did not give the relationship, or the person, time to show their true nature. I assumed because we had so many conversations about healthy dating and masculinity, that he would be aligned with practicing those values in his daily life. But spirituality is just like anything else. People can talk the talk without truly walking the walk. I should have given it more time to develop naturally, before assuming that he was, all that he spoke. Especially since he spoke about it SO much. It was almost like “Me Thinketh Thou Dost Protest Too Much.” People who truly embody and believe something, don’t have to constantly repeat it, because they are it. The repeated conversations should have in reality, been a giveaway that he wasn’t who or what he portrayed himself to be.

2. Take It Slow

Adding the element of physical intimacy too quickly, escalated my connection, not to mention my emotions, to a whole different level. A level the situation could not sustain because there wasn’t enough of the other levels of connection. As much as I had wanted to be close with him at that moment, a step back, and maybe a glass of wine less, might have slowed the situation down and allowed me to view it without the lens of emotions. Physical intimacy too soon muddies the water. I know this. Yet, I believed he, and this situation was different. But it wasn’t. It’s not about playing games or playing hard to get, or not being labeled as sexually promiscuous. Not sleeping with someone too soon, allows the emotions to take a backseat until the logic is satisfied that the person is a good match. I knew that, and yet I made an exception. Plenty of people do that, and nothing bad happens at all, some people do it and get slammed. I got slammed. It was luck of the draw, but I could have decreased its potential greatly, by simply waiting a few more weeks, to be physically intimate with him.

3. Use my Coping Mechanisms

I have many. I know of many. I could have used them. When I felt the shock begin to wear off and the anger rise, I should have called up my therapist, a friend, or my Personal Trainer. That is when it is time to throw oneself headfirst into the healthy coping mechanisms we know and practice. It’s not a one size fits all, sometimes different ones are more effective for specific situations. When I’m sad, sometimes a good cry and a hot bath are all it takes to turn me right side up. When I am burning up with anger, it usually takes a sweaty workout and maybe a good therapy session. It depends on the situation, so it’s good to have a variety at the ready. A combination can sometimes be necessary too, maybe a heavy workout followed by a long meditation session, for example. The last thing I should have done in that moment of anger was to reach out to him. Nothing good was going to come of that conversation, it was all too raw and I was too angry. It got us nowhere. So why bother? Why stir up emotions and karma, all to end with the same result. We aren’t together. We aren’t going to be together. There was no resolution, no clearing of pain, it was simply harsh words and regret.

It Happens To All Of Us

So, the moral of the story folks is that we are all human and we are all learning. I did reach out and apologize for my phrasing, but beyond that, I did not give it any more time or energy. We are all doing our best and the realm of relationships is a very difficult one. It deals with our deepest sense of self-worth, value, and intimacy. It deals with primal aspects of love, hate, abandonment, betrayal, all the big life themes. Relationships are truly emotional minefields, and we aren’t always prepared where one might be hiding. Even with all the self-work I’ve done, all the therapy, all the research, all the knowledge of dating and relationship dynamics, I still messed up. Because we all do. We make exceptions where we shouldn’t, we give in too quickly, we want to see the best in others so sometimes we see it, even when it isn’t truly there. We all make mistakes, and that’s okay. It’s all part of the journey.

So be patient with yourself and others, even the ones who make you so angry you react out of a place of pain and emotion. If you slip up, learn from that experience and try to do better the next time around. That’s all we can do, and all we can ask of ourselves and each other. A little better every day. As for me, I learned some valuable lessons, I got closer to practicing what I preach, and I learned how to be even more in alignment, with the values I hold close to my heart.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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